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apartyinmymouth · 4 years

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NOVEMBER TWENTIETH

Questions, dancing around my mind frame like water in a hot frying pan.

What if.

What if I could say the things I really wanted to say?

What if I could share, in detail, what I really want to share?

That’s not to say what I’m sharing isn’t of my choosing, I write as It comes to me or as I recall an emotion so everything shared thus far is as true and accurate to the moment it happened.

What I’m attempting to say is, what if I could share the memories, many of you would never ever believe, or at the very least, you’d doubt, considerably, as human contempt has been normalized in our current culture and haters exist.

What if I could connect it for you or pie/venn diagram it all.

What if I could write the greatest love story ever told but never lived. What if I could tell you about the beginnings, the beginnings of so many things you read about or recant in glorious splendor at dinner parties.

What if I could tell you my inspiration for this entry (what inspired me to share this moment of vulnerability.

What if I didn’t care? Like really didn’t care about the greater perspective of things.

What if I didn’t compulsively bleed all over Facebook every other day about my outrage toward the hypocrisy we live in called America.

What if I, to the best of my ability, caught myself immediately in those moments and reflected on my blessings and remind myself that I could’ve been destined to chart a different course and mine has been a joy ride in comparison to other’s experiences.

What if I didn’t truly believe I was sent here for a purpose much greater than even I understand or can comprehend fully?

What if this is getting too lefty already. LOL

What if I (pregnant) pause right here and rewind a bit.

What if I shared a timeline of my Wonder Years dating back to the beginning. Would that be ok?!

It would go a little something like this,

What if I wasn’t JAMAICAN, First generation yes, but Jamaican, for real, nonetheless?

What if Eric and his daughters Audrey and Valerie didn’t alight in New York City in the early 70s?

What if another of Eric’s daughters, (my mother) Maxine, didn’t demand (nothing short of a then 15 year old girl having a temper tantrum) on being the next from the family to come to ‘farin.”

What if my family’s American Story began anywhere else other than The Bronx? What if Maxine didn’t attend Lehman College and meet a handsome dreaded young fella named Orville Williamson. What if they never fell in love. What if Maxine wasn’t chosen to bring me into this world.

What if I wasn’t Orville’s first daughter, dispelling his initial desire of wanting a boy. How could he not fall in love with this “beautiful little creature he’d created” On no, complete and total elation, he was overjoyed on sight. What if Maxine & Orville’s dynamic were different and their relationship lasted longer those few early tender years.

What if Maxine were less overprotective and more tolerant of her young impressionable daughter during those childhood years.

What if she hadn’t tried her best to “shield me” from the inevitable temptations of adolescence, keeping what felt like to me, locked in the house until she couldn’t any longer.

What if I was never allowed to go to Ayana’s 14th birthday basement party. What if I never met him…

What if I never loved him?

What if I never sang of him… a song.

What if I remained a virgin a bit longer.

What if I saved it for someone more deserving, kinder or at the very least, honest.

What If my naiveté towards the ways of boys/men remained prevailed. What if I hadn’t been in a rush to “grow up” so fast.

What if I wasn’t a hopeless romantic who despite a few harsh lessons continued to believe in true love.

What if I would’ve tried out to be a DJ on the air at my high school radio station. What if I majored in Broadcast Radio instead of “Journalism and blab blab blab “ and earned a degree in “it didn’t matter much in my career anyway” in College. What if during those undergrad days I didn’t meet a few nice fellas. Some good, some, eh but cherished memories still.

What if along the college way, I didn’t meet him my sophomore year. What if we didn’t love.

What if we didn’t…song.

What if we didn’t chaos.

What if we didn’t create…

What if we decided differently.

What if…

What if I, after 2 years of University and living in Philadelphia, hadn’t decided to change directions and move back to New York.

What if I never landed in “fashion”

What if I never took that first long journey to the Far East, Hong Kong to be exact. What if, upon returning to the states having completed my first real job/internship, I continued to work instead of taking the summer off to “chill” What if Aliyah didn’t die a few weeks after.

What if the Towers hadn’t fallen several days later.

What if I stayed at that shitty music PR job all the way out in bumble fuck middle a no ‘where New Jersey because that’s the only place I could find work after 9/11. NYC had flat lined.

What if out of desperation to get back into the city I never accepted the administrative position at that advertising agency on Park Ave South. What if, during that time on a lunch break some random Wednesday in July, I hadn’t craved something very specific (somethin’ sweet I’m sure but exactly what, fails me now) that only one deli on Lexington Avenue sold. And what if on the way back to the office from that deli I didn’t run into him. What if it hadn’t been about a year since we last saw each other. What if the attraction wasn’t as dynamic from the beginning as it was in that moment.

What if I wasn’t completely enraptured by his brilliance.

What if he hadn’t been in complete awe (his words not mine) of my entire being. He said it was my face he couldn’t get past. It was etched in his brain forever. What if his voice hadn’t gripped me like a magnet.

What if my “smarts” hadn’t mesmerized him.

What if during that time, we didn’t hear the world through a mirroring set of ears. What if we never fell in love?

What if we’d never come of age together.

What if we didn’t love.

What if we didn’t grow.

What if we never…song.

What if life didn’t happen.

What if things would’ve HAPPENED.

What if we weren’t kids.

What if I wasn’t afraid.

What if we didn’t chaos.

And what if things didn’t eventually and perhaps inevitably, fall apart. What if Tokio wasn’t taken from me… (I still tear up thinking about this… how could anyone do that)

What if my external life/career life had been more conventional. What if I had sought to be an educator or a veterinarian instead of traversing down the path of “creativity and/or artistic industries”

What if, when the opportunity presented itself, I accepted that job offer and

moved to Switzerland.

What if several months, perhaps a year or so later, my mother hadn’t run into one of my older cousins at some family function and insisted that he and I reconnect because we work in the same “business” (her words) as the other. What if the reunion with said cousin was less than desirable and he and I hadn’t ventured out together and gone on to build a successful media and branding agency.

What if somewhere along the “road to success”, I wasn’t introduced to him. What if our company’s travel agent wasn’t able to rectify the itinerary she screwed up and I missed my flight to Los Angeles that one Thursday in November.

What if at this posh Hollywood gathering, filled with folks you probably read about and assume they’re more fascinating than they actually ever are, there were more interesting people to converse with instead of our small insular group.

And what if the evening felt more like work and less like, “hmm, I might actually be enjoying this party.”

What if I wasn’t pleasantly surprised to be so surprised…intriguing as he was. What if we didn’t break bread together?

What if we didn’t…song.

And what if we didn’t hear the world through a similar set of ears. What if I wasn’t so oblivious.

What if back then I wasn’t so hard-nosed focused on work and reputations. What if once in a while I came up for air.

What if he didn’t shoot his shot.

What if I never responded in-kind.

What if it hadn’t caught me off guard.

And what if after hearing that one he played for me, I didn’t know what I knew the moment the beat dropped.

What if I had been prepared.

What if it weren’t complicated, so very complicated.

What if that hadn’t stopped us.

What if that one morning in February, an unexpected blizzard began just an hour earlier and my flight to Kingston wasn’t able to depart.

What if we had more time.

What if he wasn’t the man he was.

And what if I didn’t have karmic cycles, unbeknownst to me, I needed to go through.

What if later that same year sometime around late fall, I stayed home and enjoyed a cozy evening in the new apartment I worked so hard for. What if I didn’t ignore the voice in my head, going against my better judgment and skipped The Box nightclub and all that came with it. Yuck. What if I didn’t enter into stimulation over-drive from that moment forward. What if I hadn’t been a zombie for the 3 years following that Box

encounter. Uggghhhh.

What if I had overdosed at any point during those black out years. (True story) What if She succeeded in killing me or convincing me to kill myself. (Hard to believe and incredibly sad, I know but an even Truer Story :-( What if amid all the chaos, at my core didn’t exist a solid foundation that would eventually kick in and pull me out of despair.

What if I never woke up.

What if I never stopped. Stopped EVERYTHING.

What if I didn’t fall.

What if I wasn’t forced to change.

What if I HADN’T forced the change.

What if I didn’t fight through the pain of change.

What if I STAYED.

What if I remained the same.

What if I hadn’t removed the rose colored glasses I’d worn for longer than I can remember.

What if I didn’t shift perspectives.

What if I didn’t face fear.

What if I didn’t run from the fear.

What if I hadn’t stopped dead in my tracks, do an about face and confront fear head on.

And what if, at that moment, I didn't make the most important promise to 7 year old Mashariki. A promise I vowed to do my ABSOLUTE best to never EVER consciously or subconsciously break again.

What if she doubted me or didn’t believe me.

What if she never accepted my apology?

And what if she didn’t give me a second chance to make it right with her. What if I never came to the realization that she is the one I’m stuck with for life so I have to get right with her. There was no other way.

What if I didn’t realize that once I get right with her, ALL else would be right as rain.

What if Mashariki didn’t welcome me home.

What if she gave up on me?

What if she didn’t continue to push me each and every day since. What if she didn’t remind me to live in gratitude and remember that God is my homie for life.

What if she hadn’t continued to protect me all the years and thousands of miles traveled since.

What if along this new roadway, I didn’t meet him.

And what if we didn’t…song.

What if I shut the fuck up from time to time, LOL ;-)

Cheers to the last 10 years! Happy Holidays, Happy New Year but most of all… Happy Birthday, Daddy! You’ve been here the entire time and I know you’re pleased. November 20th :-) -APIMM

Soundtrack for this entry from my schizophrenic iTunes, Tidal and Spotify libraries.

“Trust” –Buju Banton “Omertá” –Drake “Oceans” -Jay Z feat. Frank Ocean “Half Manne Half Cocaine” –Freddie Gibbs & Madlib “Palmolive” –Freddie Gibbs & Madlib feat. Pusha T & Killa Mike “Listen” -Ghetts “Drug Dealer” -Slowthai “Cash Train” -Not3s & Blade Brown “Yes” –Fat Joe feat. Cardi B & Anuel AA “Cash Shit” – Megan Thee Stallion feat. DaBaby “Finesse & Style” -Kconeil “BOP” -DaBaby “My Strange Addiction” –Billie Eilish “Long Way 2 Go” –Cassie “High Hopes” –PARTYNEXTDOOR “Queen & Slim” -Coast Contra feat. BJ The Chicago Kid ”The Noose of Jah City” -King Krule “Midnight Blue” –Puma Blue “Soul Sista Remix” -Bilal feat. Raphael Sadiq “Really Love” -D’Angelo & The Vanguard ”A Dream” -Mary J. Blige “Butterflies (Demo Version)” –Floetry “Faded Pictures” –Case & Joe “Knocks Me Off My Feet” –Stevie Wonder “Angel” –Aretha Franklin “Your Smile” –Angela Winbush “Ohio/Machine Gun” –The Isley Brothers “Mr. Wrong” –Sade “Out Getting Out Ribs” –Zoo Kid/ King Krule ”The Shrine / An Argument” -Fleet Foxes “Katie Cruel” –Robin Pecknold “I Love You” –Billie Eilish “Blue Ridge Mountains” –Fleet Foxes ”Burgundy” -Warpaint “Ophelia” –Minks “Sooner or Later” –N.E.R.D. “Set It Off” –Strafe ”I Didn’t Mean To Turn You On” -Cherrelle “Lady (Hear Me Tonight)” –Modjo “Beam Me Up (Jacques Renault Remix) -Midnight Magic “You Know What” – N.E.R.D.

#APIMM

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apartyinmymouth · 5 years

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TUYO

Hard to believe we’re already five months into 2019. It was just 2009 eleven months ago. Time is moving faster than freight trains with no breaks on a downhill track. Since the year began, I’ve been to six countries in five months, and not because I’m a rock star, nope not at all, not in the literal sense at least, something better. I’m FREE. Free as a bird and I’ve managed to create a career and life path that’s allowed me to go anywhere I want, whenever I want, however I want, with whomever I want at any given moment on Any Given Sunday. This also allows for me to rarely be at a loss for content to share. Oftentimes having multiple situations swirling around my head in a linear time frame. Memories from 30 years ago remain as fresh as the ones from 30 hours prior; intricately weaving this quilt I call “Life” together. All the puzzle pieces start to fit together and my view of the forest is as clear as a cloudless day.

I don’t rush this stuff, when it comes. Stuff being my column, my stories, my chosen “shares.” This one began on a Sunday in late January while on a girls’ trip to Cartagena. I managed to break away from the group on our last day to savor a few precious solitary moments, settle into the experience and enjoy a charming lunch date for one. Cartagena, a historic coastal city in Colombia, feels like a mélange of New Orleans & Havana w/ touches of Mexico City and Florence. I’ll be honest it took a day or two to catch a vibe or The Vibe, mainly due to my traveling companions. I like small charming hotels, even smaller restaurants, and no plans – wake up in the morning and go where the day takes me. My girls are, the “full planned itineraries, a large hotel group, eat at restaurants in said hotel, spend-the-day shopping,” kind of gals. Absolutely nothing wrong with that and they have been my sisters for close to 20 years but we have very different travel styles. Nonetheless, when the opportunity for a little solo exploration presented itself, I ventured off and instead of Sex got “lost in the city” much in the way I typically do when I travel.

There’s an easy breezy relaxed rhythm during the day in Cartagena and the scenography is reminiscent of the NOLA Garden and French Quarter districts but the nighttime is when the city comes alive. It reminds me so much of Old Havana between the salsa blaring from every venue at every turn and young people spilling into the streets at all hours, sweaty from dancing, happily inebriated in search of the perfect Arepa to lessen the next day’s impending hangover. I kinda love Cartagena and look forward to returning one day with my love, falling deeper in love and getting “Sexed” in that city ;).

Like Cartagena, I love Sundays too! And every Sunday since that Sunday has been a mixed bag of events, cities and circumstances. As I conclude this entry on Sunday May 12th from a Palazzo in Treviso, Italy that dates back to 1562, ending an incredible week and my first experience at Biennale de Venezia, I reminisce over the joys and pains of this beautiful life and all the blessings and lessons it brings with it. The fourteen Sundays In between Cartagena and now, found me back in Marrakech laying the foundation to my next creative endeavor and the soft launch of a new artistic platform AFRƎE culture, returning to Paris in a serendipitous twist of fate and perhaps impending love, having a Sundae on Sunday with friends during a pit stop home in New York only to descend into the depths of despair a few hours later at the devastating news that one of our generation’s prophets, a master creative and rare soul had lost his life to cowardice. I’m still processing the loss of Ermias Joseph Asghedom, known to many as Nipsey Hussle The Great…We’re either living in hell on earth and all the great ones are being taken from us or their being called home because the work they’re needed for surpasses anything they're able to do while in this physical 3D space. Why did he have to go?

The outpouring of love, admiration and respect since the news of Nip’s passing I believe would shock even him! Nip was always respected amongst his peers but I don’t think any of us truly understood the impact he made on his community and the culture until we no longer had him. Which brings me to a point I addressed in my last entry- why do we wait until people are no longer here to celebrate them? Why does it take someone dying for us to fully appreciate life? We’ve lost so many irreplaceable souls over the last few years, when will we finally understand that life is not promised! This isn’t a practice run. When it’s over, it’s OVER and eventually All Men Must Die…Valar Morghulis. With that I’ll say it again, Give Them Their Flowers While They’re Still Here If you care for someone, tell him or her now. If you respect, admire, appreciate and are inspired by someone or something, say it now. If you Love someone, TELL HIM OR HER NOW! Last chances rarely come with warnings. – APIMM

Soundtrack to this entry from my schizophrenic iTunes x Tidal Libraries

“Tuyo” –Rodrigo Amarante “Noise Above Our Heads” –James Blake “Radio Silence” –James Blake “Transparency” –PARTYNEXTDOOR “Bad Guy” (2:30 mark) –Billie Ellish “Oceans” –Frank Oceans “Right Now” –PARTYNEXTDOOR “Please Me” –Cardi B & Bruno Mars “Yeah I Said It” –Rihanna “Forever” –The Dream “Don’t Be Cruel” –Bobby Brown “Binz” –Solange “King of the Dancehall” – Beenie Man “Only Man She Want” -Popcaan “Ghetto Story” – Baby Cham “Too Experienced” –Barrington Levy “I Was Born A Winner” =Freddie McGregor “Never Dis Di Man” -Sanchez “Night Nurse” –Gregory Isaacs “Ring the Alarm” –Tenor Saw “Not Nice” –PARTYNEXTDOOR “All For The Love” –Wizkid feat. Bucie “Song For Isabelle {Deep House Amsterdam Mix tape}” –Stimming “Float On Your Love” –The Isley Brothers feat. Angela Winbush, Lil Kim, Puff Daddy & 112 “I Want You” -Marvin Gaye “Come Live With Me” –Marvin Gaye “Cherry Pie” –Sade “Fear” –Sade “Double Up” –Nipsey Hussle feat. Belly & DOM KENNEDY “Top Off” –DJ Khaled feat. JAY Z, Future & Beyoncé “U See Us” –Nipsey Hussle “West Coast” –G Eazy feat. Blueface, ALLBLACK & YG “Throw Fits” – London on Da Track feat. Juvenile, City Girls & G-Eazy “Question #1” –Nipsey Hussle feat. Snoop Dog “Money Mitch 2” –Mitch “Drug Dealer” –Slowthai “FWA Boss” –Official SL “T N Biscuits” –Slowthai “Gorgeous” –Slowthai “Different” –Don Strapzy feat. Hache “Unemployed” –Tierra Whack “Clones” –Tierra Whack “Big Ole Freak” –Megan Thee Stallion “Juicy {Nite & Day} Remix” –Notorious BIG feat. Al B. Sure “Use Your Heart” –SWV “Have You Seen Her”-Donnell Jones” “Grown Woman” – PARTYNEXTDOOR “Beautiful” –Tweet “Falling Apart” –Charlotte Day Wilson “idontwannabeyouanymore” –Billie Ellish “Jolene” –Dolly Parton “Bell Bottom Blues” –Derek & The Dominos

#APIMM

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