apri-cus

[apri-cus]

seems like i can’t do anything right. too much of something, too little of something, everyone always making me feel inferior, never enough, and i cant believe i feel this way with you too

[apri-cus]

the fact that i watched you do it so nonchalantly, so casually and i have to believe you when you say you’re trying? hahaha you really think im an idiot.

[apri-cus]

thanks for fucking nothing

you say u get it but your words dont seem like u do

[apri-cus]

feels so fucking great

“just let me be can” - yeah, sure do whatever you wanna do

say tired to don’t talk to me but talk to other ppl - yeah, ok

[apri-cus]

when will it stop being hard

to be you; doing whatever you want with only yourself in mind

[apri-cus]

what’s the point of saying sorry now when you’ve gotten what you wanted

all it does is just make me mad, just saying sorry everytime but still just doing what you want in the end

i dont want to feel like this why must i feel like this

[apri-cus]

i always feel like im in the backseat watching u live your life, doing whatever u want and im just here along for the ride, following whatever new road, new adventure you wanna chase. and the stupid (?) thing is that i’ll always still just follow you behind like a lapdog.

you always say i have a say in the decisions you make, but even when i dont want you to go down a specific road, im forced to go down it anyway.

and i dont know if this is how my life with you will forever be like - sitting in the backseat of your life, forced to go on trips i don’t want to and it makes me feel so awful and trapped.

[apri-cus]

im fking numb like whatever its always about you i’ll put aside everything just to give you what you want

must be so hard for you that you have to try to get with it, when im the one always doing it

so tired that i dont even wanna fight this. like ok still continue feeling shitty, unheard, like a pushover all just for you

wtv right as long as you dont hv to feel this way because clearly i prioritize u not feeling this way over myself

i fking trample on myself and wtv i feel and believe just for you

[apri-cus]

i give in at work to please clients, my bosses

i give in at home to please my family

i eventually give in to all that you want to please you

but what about me..why do i feel worse the more i give

[apri-cus]

every thought in my head is against me

hating how i look, feeling insecure and shitty

doubting, second-guessing if what you’re telling me is the truth or if you’re hiding certain things from me when you’re away from me

thinking abt work and everything piling up

its so tiring and idw to think and feel and feel my chest tighten and not being able to breathe

i thought growing up i would be happier or that my depression and anxiety would fade away but its just so strong still

[apri-cus]

I never thought I would love anyone the way I love you

[apri-cus]

if u want to be treated a certain way make sure it applies to how u treat me too

i know its hard to apologise but i still do it because i know i need to own up thatx im wrong but why is it that i always have to dig it out of u why cant u apologise for the things you’re at fault at how is that fair

when i self reflect you can continue to say me then ok its done but u dont hv anything to say for what you’ve done unless i ask for it - how does that work

sometimes i just wanna be riled up and not give a shit like u but i know that we will get nowhere so i try and try to understand and get u to talk but its so hard sometimes begging for communication begging for smth

i get that its hard for some ppl, its hard for u but hv u ever thought that its hard for me too? but i do it cause i care and actually want to get to the root? do u think i want to fight? i got shit to work on my own im flawed af too but this shit takes two and i need u to meet me halfway on your own i cant drag u everytime to meet me there

its also SO INCREDIBLY RUDE when i try to get u to meet me halfway and you’re just preoccupied w your phone like are u thinking are u understanding r u trying to meet me halfway? IDK BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT PRESENT W ME

[apri-cus]

it’s not tat i don’t trust u but i got some serious ptsd from the many times shit has happened

[apri-cus]

lol looking at my previous headaches and posts maybe i really am an idiot

[apri-cus]

i dont know what im feeling abt it anymore, i used to be so sad but now i just feel fleeting moments of anger and maybe slight disappointment, but i have to reign it in and trust your words

but its hard when you’ve been bitten more than once, to not fear or to trust

i dont know maybe it is overthinking maybe its just trust issues but im not going to be treated like an idiot

and now when i think abt it whats up with like removing stuff in front of me lol if u rlly meant it u would be doing it in the first place and not as smth to prove to me..

[apri-cus]

i dont know anymore i dont

im not even asking for anything big..why do u need to try..is it that hard, that big of an ask..

i dont know i only can take your word for it im so tired of doubt and fear

[apri-cus]

why would u do it again

the doubt creeps in and makes me so anxious..i wanna fking trust u w everything but everytime u lie my trust gets depleted

why would u follow back the acc/look at it again when it caused trust to break down betw us

you know what i can and cant take so whyyyy

how do i even ask u UGHHHH