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apriltwentythree · 5 years

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on politics:

none of us in our right minds would refer to an afro american as ‘nigger’. but afro-americans do not have the same obligation to be careful regarding that word or act sacred about it, unless they wish to. they can laugh while calling each other ‘niggah’. I feel something similar about the word ‘comrade’. it’s my inheritance, and can laugh about it if I so wish, there is no obligation to go around being reverent about it, and by extension, it can surely never sound patronizing when I say it.

i equate niggah and comrade only because both words did not start out as words referring to the ruling or protected classes, and were even used derisively by them then! but now, both words are not really tied to their historical connotations, at least not in their entireties, also not in every context. it can be cool to be a nigger(ask Dave Chapelle), it can be cool to be a comrade(ask Dulquer Salman). naturally, to pretend that it can sound patronizing any longer, is at worst lazy ignorant or at best a lazy lie….esp. when the accused is someone who mostly sits in a room staring out of the window by herself, and have no real party politics to speak of! meaning, when you are equally pissed off as your accuser, you don’t think that you owe them any explanation.

anyways, because it’s my inheritance, i value the word just as much as the average comrade does. say, if i find an election manifesto on a celebrity feed, it’s tough to get too excited, instantly! so i try to look for a connecting link— healthcare, medicine, disability. there! that I truly care about. and when i read and learn about just that, it helps me to retain some integrity regarding the comrade inheritance. guess this is more to do with people’s personalities, i don’t think this is how most people prefer to approach their politics or, feel the need to, I am just saying this is how I look at it. something of a personal nature really, nothing more to it!

what made me wish to be like eeda_Leela who is slightly more familiar with the politics of everything happening around her than eeda_Aishwarya, is the year-long hackathon that brought me up-close to society and the politics of the everyday, than ever before! everyday politics is mostly always about feeling than thinking, ask Brexit voters or Trump supporters. I’m not even referring to ideologies per se, I’m just saying, it’s mostly about influencing people, enough to make them ‘feel’ something. so, if i say I am now a comrade just like all my friends are, and wish to join the election festival alongside everyone, it’s bcoz now i am starting to ‘feel’ something; the ‘KL wave effect’ is influential clearly ha ha! BK, who has always been the poster boy of elite hipster-hood, now aspires to reach the entirety of his troll soul depth and party with the proletariat through the night. that says it all for me! Advaid(AD) says he came to Kerala at the age of 18. soon, in 2015 —was he 24 then? i was 31— I saw him shrug off all his hipster English and start to dappankoothu his way into Malayalam. If I’m remembering right, there were quite a few civic-conscious Facebook posts by him, in all-Malayalam. i don’t know who influenced him in particular, may be he self-influenced, having stayed long enough in Kerala!

I had some time to myself these past couple of weeks, and realized that I’m naturally-inclined to be eeda_Aishwarya when it comes to Kerala politics, and that I cannot self-influence regarding the politics of the everyday, unlike eeda_Leela who easily can. and I’m eeda_Aishwarya in Boston too, I cannot naturally-invest in party politics here either. i don’t even know what is the Mueller Report! I don’t know who are the Senators from Boston after the 2018 November elections. occasionally, I try to read up on some Healthcare-Medicine-Disability, but it has been a while I did that too.

on the other hand, i always had a thing for ‘World Politics’, it has always been my political weed. i can self-influence, and read all kinds of shit on that, enlightening or otherwise! maybe it’s because it’s more humankind-drama, and less humanperson-drama. even if you are not invested in the politics of the immediate, everyday surrounding for any reason, still it encompasses all. reader you, writer me, all of everyone —together, over a lengthy period of time. and I recently discovered this academic-historian, Yuval Noah Harrari. his critics call him ‘pet historian’ of the liberal elite bcoz Obama, Bill Gates, Zuckerberg…everybody is his fanboi! apparently, he is a best selling phenomenon, and I got a copy of his latest book from the local library. from reading so far, it looks as if the book is a bunch of op-Eds put together to meet some rushed-deadline. meaning, the book is good only in parts, not as a whole! some passages seem mind numbingly rhetoric, and even the title of the book feels cliched — 21 lessons for the 21st century. if your politics is quite evolved and up-to-date, the book may not do much for you. but it did give my half-baked politics, some nice perspective; my politics is far from evolved.

say, he talks about the tidal wave of disillusionment that has touched the liberal elite in a sad Trump world. Harrari says ‘’this is not the first time the liberal story has faced a crisis of confidence. the first era of liberalism ended with WW-I, with imperial powers cutting short the global march of progress. when Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Sarajevo was murdered, it looked as if all the great powers believed more in imperialism, but liberalism survived the Ferdinand moment. it was short lived though, as Hitler came on the scene and made fascism look cool in the 1930s40s. next when 50s70s saw Che revolutionizing minds everywhere, it seemed communism was the true solution, and that liberalism was on it last legs. but then, it was communism that collapsed first, as everyone liked the supermarkets better! so, it seemed like liberalism was the most dynamic and the most solid story through times, and it soon adopted best ideas and practices from others. say, it learnt from communism to expand the circle of empathy, and value the concept of equality alongside liberty (communist welfare programs).’’

‘’as liberalism mostly catered to the middle classes and upper there, western liberals had a hard time applying their universal values to the non-Westerns. say, even when the Dutch finally got out of Nazi occupation, they were still adamant about colonizing Indonesia. liberalism didn’t become everyone’s favorite, many nationalist movements throughout the world felt like placing their hopes on Moscow or Beijing, rather than champions of liberty from the West! Harrari says that over time, liberalism survived it all — the Ferdinand moment, Hitler moment, Che moment— but now it cannot easily survive the Trump moment, which is far more nihilstic. bcoz all the other movements of the twentieth century offered a vision for the entire human species—global domination, revolution, liberation— Trump offers nothing global for all! he just says Nammude America. and he still mostly likes the liberal package — democracy, free markets, human rights, social responsibility — except all the fine ideas stop at the border. just like the Brexiters who still like all the liberal values, but only for natives of Nammude Britain. Like Xi Jinping who advocates Nammude China and still adores liberalism: their domestic politics is not so liberalized, but their international cooperative-politics is quite Obama-like-liberal. I was watching some Anthony Bourdain the other day, i didn’t even know that Oman is still a Sultanate, and not yet a liberal democracy. but the people seem contented, and in no rush to fuel a democratic government like the rest of the progressive world, and it felt like Nammude Oman there too’’.

all that made me think of how growing up across small-towns-Kerala in the era of Doordarshan, the middle-middle class aspiration extended only up to that of the nation’s cool and confident —be it Northies or Tamils or Bangaloreans or Goans. Hindi was my second language in school, used to write lengthy literary essays. but bcoz I never conversed in Hindi back then, haven’t retained anything from it at all! now when a colleague at work or someone at the desi grocery shop here tries to engage with me in Hindi, i speak in English back. my Tamil is relatively better than my Hindi. I still listen to both Hindi and Tamil music though, and care about following the lyrical meanings. but the aspirations of that Doordarshan watcher have changed, it’s less of, caring for validation from the Hindi speakers and the Tamil speakers surely. it seems more of, staying local and caring for validation from Nammude Boston at random— Mandarin speakers and Spanish speakers maybe or, going the other kind of local and caring for validation from Nammude Keralam at random— Vaikkom dialect speakers and Kasargod dialect speakers maybe!

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apriltwentythree · 5 years

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on music:

I was recently introduced to Metallica. Two weeks ago, I started listening to their various tracks, and so far, these are my favorites…

1. Orion – I’m hooked that I loop-listen to it at work now. I think it’s one of the finest pieces of music written, not just in the Metal genre, but music in general. For someone new to Metal music like me, this is a great start! It really has an effect on the brain, I smile wide every time I listen to it as if I’m on weed, and have the urge to get up from my corner cubicle seat at work, and dance. I also have a crush on Cliff Burton, bass guitarist. I was googling like crazy on him; had to devote a separate blog post on what people close to him has to say about his music and him. Read it here.

2. Fade to Black

3. St.Anger

4. Nothing Else Matters

5. Whiskey in the Jar – I love this track mainly because of its Irish folk roots, and like listening to Celtic music in general. The way the line ‘Musha rain dum a doo, dum a da’ goes, reminded me of another Irish-like song ‘I’m Shipping up to Boston’, and since Boston is a hyper sports town, every time we win a game, you will see a lot of Bostonians pumping up to this song. I like the Thin Lizzy version of ‘Whiskey in the Jar’ too.

Thank you for introducing me to Metallica :)

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I have never really sat and listened to Heavy Metal before, though I have heard of bands like Deep Purple or Iron Maiden or Aerosmith etc. Most of the Rock music that I am familiar with are relatively on the softer side – Beatles, Freddie Mercury, Bryan Adams, Led Zeppelin….. All these years, if anyone had asked me what I thought of Metal, I would have replied that the music felt a little too uninspiring, techno-sounding or that the lyrics all seemed filled with male existential angst. All the famed high energy, macho head banging at Heavy Metal concerts was quite contradictory to my idea of how anything music related must be!

So, I and my ignorance were quite surprised to learn that Ai Wei Wei, one of my favorite artists of today, and whom I would have never thought to associate with the Metal genre, has released a heavy metal album last year as a way of venting out the trauma he experienced while held in detention by the state- “It’s about my condition and China’s condition”. That made me read up some on the politics of Heavy Metal, and it’s seemingly in vogue as an expression against patriarchy, a swag currency of female agency for Women Metal Heads in Lebanon, Indonesia, Botswana and pretty much everywhere actually. Check them out!

Anyways, what really blew my mind was the idea that Heavy Metal music “HMM” is the closest genre to Classical music “CLM”. I definitely did not know that earlier! Apparently, many HMM bands take influence—a few literally copy! -- from Beethoven, Bach, Mahler (Mozart not all that much). Music in both is obsessively detailed and layered than in any other genre, they say. Both HMM and CLM fetish technical virtuosity, work with serious themes, complex arrangements and sonic variations, I learnt. CLM manipulates musical tension and mood; some songs really suck you in. HMM too feels genuinely inclusive, esp. ones that are heavily aggressive + packed with melody, and lyrically perfect to boot.

When you think about it, it does make sense. Much of dark CLM were written in despair, anger, suicidal moods and is harmonious with HMM as regards doom, rebellion, rage etc. Altogether, Hard Rock is hammy in tone and performance, just like Classical is. Science too adds its two cents by proposing that the personalities of both CLM and HMM aficionados are comparable! Apparently, a study of more than 36000 people worldwide showed that apart from the age differences, they were virtually identical. Fans of both CLM and HMM who participated were labelled as “gentle, creative, introverted oriented, and quite at ease with themselves. It's almost as if the two musical types transcend national boundaries.”

More googling and I learnt that there is a sub-genre of Heavy Metal called Neo-classical HMM that specializes in Classical + Heavy Metal. So, I have bookmarked this Neo-classical band called Apocalyptica, which is a group of cellists that started off playing Metallica covers exclusively. In fact, I like their version of ‘Master of Puppet’s more than the original ‘Master of Puppets’ from Metallica. Ideally, as a music lover, I must be open-minded and be able to appreciate any genre of music, as is! But I’m helplessly biased when it comes to musical preferences, and learning that HMM and CLM genres are alike, helps me make an easier connection with HMM as a beginner-listener.

When on the road, I habitually tune into 99.5 FM Radio, which plays Classical 24x7. When there is company, I am a little self-conscious to do that, because I’d be the only person among peers to be listening to *this channel all the time*. Also, when we go for (mostly free) Classical music concerts at the music schools in Boston, the spouse and I are usually the only non-white, under-60 music lovers there, except at times, a few Asian parents too, who are primarily there videoing their genius achiever-children. The kind Mr.spouse attends these classical concerts only because I plead with, and drag him along. And, now that I am exposed to HMM, next time I crave for some old-fashioned Classical when there are people around, I intend to tune into some Metal instead, get the same exact nirvana that I get from CLM, and feel oh-so-hip for a change!

P.S. About Limp Bizkit… so far, I don’t care much about them! Couldn’t really enjoy ‘Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water’. A fun fact made me smile though--- The first part of the track’s title is a scatological reference to the appearance of the human bum (chocolate starfish).

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apriltwentythree · 5 years

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Cliff Burton (1962-1986)

Cliff was something of a prodigy, and is said to have deeply influenced Metallica during the two years he was with them, before passing away in a fateful bus accident while on music tour, at the age of 24. After listening to ‘Orion’, which is often considered his best, I googled mad, found him interesting, have a musical crush on him. People always have a lot to say about posthumous-everyone, most of us will be well-loved in death than when we are alive. Still like any crazed out fan, I set about and compiled the following thoughts that people close to him had to share. Here goes!

“You have to remember that this was 1986 and they were breaking new ground. When I listen to a song now, with 30 years of experience, it’s easy to see what they did. But in 1986, it was E=mc2. It was unfathomable, and I haven’t even gotten to their masterpiece ‘Orion’ yet. Seriously, did they find a bottle of Beethoven pills? How did they have the maturity to write an eight-and-a-half-minute instrumental that works? ‘Orion’ is moving, it’s cohesive and exciting, and it is dynamic. My ears never even had a chance to get bored because Metallica made me wonder what was coming next.”

“His contributions to the songwriting and his mere presence as this positive, was a leveling force within the band, not to mention his willingness to put the work in, helped propel Metallica to levels of success around the world that were unheard of at the time.”

“He had a great sense of humor and was absolutely the most original human I had ever met. They were all so different as people but in the context of a band, they were as one. Their souls were on display in every riff. Cliff was the most musical, he spoke with his ideas. He had an aloof, laconic attitude and style, not antisocial at all, just his own vision of things that was un-compromisable”

"We’d talk about chords and playing melodies, and how the chord progressions fit together. He studied classical music and he could sit down and talk with you about Bach and Beethoven. In 1981, James Hetfield and I didn't sit there and talk a lot about classical endeavors, you know? [Laughs] We had a little more narrow-minded outlook. “

“So Cliff—he loved the energy, he loved the aggression about metal music, but I don’t think he was a big fan of like, Iron Maiden. I remember early on when we started traveling on the tour bus, I'd put on some Maiden or something—he didn't get out of his seat to start banging up and down. One band he loved was the Police; he'd always play the Police. His whole net was just really wide and really unencumbered by how it was supposed to be if you were in a metal band, which obviously James and I hadn't quite graduated to at that time.”

“Weed was like oxygen to him, although he wasn’t a burned-out stoner, it just gave him an extra dimension. I don’t think there was much of a difference between Cliff stoned and Cliff not stoned! He was a pretty relaxed guy, but you couldn’t mess with him, he wasn’t a pushover. He was a strange mix of opposites; he would work on his car while listening to punk, and then he’d play chess and write poems while listening to Bach. He was a really late sleeper, it drove me crazy. He’d wake up in the afternoon; you couldn’t rouse him before that. Cliff was just happy when I knew him. He had a great group of friends and his band was going places.”

“Cliff was a treasure to have in my home. He was great, he was respectful. He was warm. He would help me out with our daughter Rikki, because she was so little and I would be busy. It would be time for her to go to bed and so he’d read her a story or sing her a song. Cliff was not involved in the managing aspects of the band like others. He was a musician, pure. He was really a hippy in a heavy metal band, with his bell-bottoms and his whole persona, just a beautiful, beautiful human being.”

Okay, now go Listen to Cliff Burton ‘Bass Only’ versions of :

🎵Orion & Anesthesia & Call of Ktulu & To live is to die & For whom the bell tolls🎵

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apriltwentythree · 6 years

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hello Hacker. your all-time-cricket-man Rahul Dravid has random-mentioned that this is going to be a high-scoring World Cup and that teams having wicket takers in the middle order have the best chance at checking the opposition. apparently, he had toured England last year and experienced conditions, so maybe he has the best advice.

I last-watched cricket in 2015. with BK mostly. also sort of, with BN and SH too. back then in February/March, I was still healing from exacting mental ill-health episodes in my life. and the tournament was what made me stop from crying all day all night, and the one thing that made me feel that maybe-things-could-get-better.

Here’s to sports in general!

fast forward to 2019 and zero-cricket-watching of any format of the game, in between then and now, it’s safe to say that I don’t really have anything to do with cricket anymore, and I should be the last person to spill expert-opinions around. so, I won’t. :)

but i will still say this--- it will always be nice if India wins. think Team India are hot favorites, right?

hey Hacker, if I’m right, you don’t mind anyone winning except England/ Bangladesh…yes? no?

I assert my New Zealand fangirl-ing. it breaks my heart that McCullum is not around this time. i was skimming headlines, and learnt that Eoin Morgan mentioned that England’s current form has a lot to do with the NZ season of 2015.

well, Blackcaps are always the “dark horses” at every world cup. maybe Williamson can take it from where McCullum left off. i would be among the happiest on the planet if NZ finally wins it this time. Womens-NZ has already won once, you know. in the year 2000.

win or no-win, i wish that Williamson, Guptill, Taylor, Ferguson, Southee, Santner, Sodhi, Munro and the rest of the squad have a beautiful tournament. especially you, Trent Boult. i know, from skimming headlines, that you are all raring to go after the warm-up match win against India. so, here’s a big no-jinx your way.

and if we go by what Hacker’s all-time-cricket-man Dravid says, bowling attacks are going to be it. guess everyone may be looking to Jaspreet Bumrah, Adil Rashid, Jofra Archer, Rashid Khan etc then.

i simply hope that Trent Boult gets to play good cricket, just like last time.

but if there’s one thing I wish to “pressurize” Trent on, it is this--- please do try to take more wickets than Mitchell Starc, for sake of what he did to McCullum at the MCG finals. also because, BK had the-last-laugh that day.

:) enough cricket-talk from a cricket-non-watcher. good luck Trent, go Baby. i may watch NZ highlights.

p.s. here’s a good-read from the Hacker’s all-time-cricket-man Rahul Dravid, which made me write all these words here today.

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apriltwentythree · 6 years

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do you want to know what my favorite neurotransmitter is…? Acetylcholine.

the other day I was at the local book store, and ended up browsing the sports section. i noticed this book ‘the performance cortex’ ; there was a chapter in it titled ’motor hunter’ focussing on Steph Curry. I am a Curry fangirl and can consume almost anything about him, even this silly Water filter Ad! anyways, i stood there for 20 minutes reading about his brain, and about how he does what he does on the playing court! the book in general attempts to speak about how Sports-Scouting is increasingly relying on neuroscience. and personally, i felt it may be an even better approach than the Moneyball-like Sabermetrics. (Moneyball btw, is one of my all-time favorite sports movies.)

later, i walked out with the realization that i am now officially a Neuro-junkie!

it is after being a part of the Brain-Gut-MentalHealth group project, that I started to obsess over the Vagal Nerve, for starters.

real quick, it goes like this….Cranial nerves are those that emerge directly from the brain, rather than from the spinal cord. there are 12 pairs, responsible for carrying sensory info to the brain, and motor signals to muscles and organs. Vagus nerve— sometimes referred to as Vagal nerve—is the 10th and the longest one, originating in the medulla oblongata and is named for its wandering path through the body. it is like a superhighway that handles sensing the internal environment of the body and regulating it, like lowering heart rate, constricting the bronchi of the lungs, reducing blood pressure, to name just a few. one of the easiest bio-hacks they say, in order to keep the Vagus nerve in tip-top-shape, is to take cold showers in the morning.

now, if you are a neuroscientist or neurologist or, a superior-Neuro-junkie reading this blog and say hey, some of your understanding here is not exactly right, i would just say i’m sure you’d know better! and will agree with you happily. on the other hand, if you are someone who thinks you are decently-smart but usually take your brain for granted, and cannot self-influence, ever, to read up on generic brain stuff unless you get Alzheimers some day, then this blog is decently-sufficient for your lukewarm-curiosity!

anyways, the Vagal nerve has been extensively studied; there is this dork-geek-nerd-joke that only dorks-geeks-nerds will find funny ‘what happens in Vagus doesn’t stay in Vagus but affects many aspects of emotionality and neurobiology, ha ha’!

to say more…lets say, you are hungry, the gut sends a hormonal trigger to the brain (Ghrelin) and when you are feeling full, it sends another (Leptin). but, now they say there is a neural circuit from the gut cells—dubbed Neuropods— that have nerve endings, which can directly communicate to the brain through Vagal neural synapses. and this overturns many ideas around appetite and satiety! say, you are into serious-dieting. taking appetite suppressants may not work as they usually target the slow-acting hormonal route to the brain, which can take up minutes to hours. but, as the instant-connection Vagal neural circuit takes about 100 milliseconds or less, targeting the Vagus may work better at losing all those unhealthy, add-on pounds!

the Vagal gives legitimacy to the idea of ‘gut feeling’ as a sixth sense, and I doubt if any of the other nerves can beat the magic!

all my Vagalmania led me to Acetylcholine and, made me think about it in context with Epinephrine, the rollercoaster neurotransmitter. now, the story there is….um, independent of the Central Nervous System, the Autonomic Nervous system houses two subsystems — Sympathetic and Parasympathetic—speaking really simplified!

Sympathetic translates to “Adrinergic”. Neurotransmitters — Epinephrine, Norepinephrine— are behind your high heart rate in both super-pumped-up situations and heart-in-the-mouth situations. and on March 31st, guess it was Sympathetic pathways that totally ran the show! This system does have a say in most Akhlat Latifa feelings that knock us over, be it beauty-weed mode or fighter-jet mode. Parasympathetic translates to “Cholinergic”. Neurotransmitter — Acetylcholine— slows down your heart rate and makes you stay in calm, comfortable situations. It’s Parasympathetic pathways that make you want to socializie and say hello. like today May 10th, which also happens to be my mother’s birthday. somewhere I read, it’s the myelinated Vagus B-fibers emerging from the Nucleus Ambiguus inside the Medulla O, that takes care of all the cholinergic responsibilities.

anyways, reading up on the lovely Acetylcholine made me think about the month of April which was like a hangover-recharge month for me, with my Parasympathetic totally working up the scene. Lot of peace, lot of beauty. Zero rollercoaster rides, zero adrenaline rushes. Thank you vagal B-fibers.

but, guess I also slightly miss my adrenergic lifestyle of the past one year, with all the nonstop-gaming, and what not….

the whole world must be engaged in all kinds of interesting things happening around. but while THIS socmedia-window-to-the-world stays super-inactive, I keep on staying in some kind of cozy, mental time-warp that I have taken quite a liking to. it’s always good to need less, I guess. and to feel oh-so-minimalistic.

Anita Desai popped up inside my head the other day, and I was reminded of one of her fiction works. in the story, all her protagonists play games at twilight, and one of them goes into a time-warp of a few hours, as he stays inside a shed next to the garage, while the others keep being engaged in all kinds of interesting games happening on the lawn around the house.

aside from being a neuro-junkie, I have always been a creative-junkie. so taking cue from Desai’s writerly imagination, I felt like “playing derivative” at her work, and go inside the head of her time-warped protagonist. and to see what I can pick up from that last weekend of March, what I can pick up from what’s on there, at this socmedia-window-to-the-world!

and there’s scope for gaming...

but let me write a quick disclaimer: bcos of KL’s celebrity clout, all the lovely colors were color-gamed by all the world more so than ever, and as imagination-inventor, AK always thinks this is immensely cool and it gives her an inception-orgasm. but, since the colors were also endorsed to crazy-overkill on this socmedia-window-to-the-world ---a lot of times in intolerance and with spite and hatred even--- AK had given away all colors sometime back in February, as part of “The Curse of Raghu”, thus making a statement of protest against the misappropriation of disability-imagination in a happily-ableist world. AK truly remains in a BnW world.

okay then, game-time!

Reference Tweets from Mar 30th:

https://twitter.com/CarDroidusMax/status/1112035121916493826

https://twitter.com/CarDroidusMax/status/1112034751521665029

#lawpoint1 -- back in August sometime, when AK/KL had first begun sparring on SM, AK had shared this Malayalam film clip and KL had shared back this ICICI Bank Ad. in both, the color is predominantly red. it is quite implicit that it is only blue in a red-disguise; there wasn’t any doubts whatsoever back then. this fact is significant as this was the first time AK/KL had ever faced-off. so if she so wishes, AK can re-possess any color. example, the red and yellow on the KSRTC bus in the above reference photo, KSRTC bus and the green in the twitter profile Cover image, the sort-of-purple on the shirt of the guy on the road in same Cover image, and the colors on Capt. Cavey DP, even! Winner takes all.

#lawpoint2 --- there was supreme court judgment sometime in September that since Karthiyayini had 2 ‘Y’s in her name, any Y in Kerala could be used to AK’s requirement. back then, as a hat-tip to this landmark judgement, the aYYappan-sabarimala ruckus had followed. so, since we already have a precedence regarding settlement of Y disputes, all 26 alphabet can be monopolized by AK just like in the board game. to say explicitly, AK can call Monopoly on the lovely district of waYanad or kottaYam or any other place for that matter. this rule is especially valid on this socmedia-window-to-the-world as the AK/KL combat had initially also begun by involving the lovely malayalam actor parvathY thiruvothu.

In clear conclusion, about the two reference tweets from KL on Mar 30, AK would like to say -- അതേ, വളരെ ഭംഗിയുണ്ട് :)

this out-of-sync and strenuous “comeback” above is the equivalent of how in her fiction, Desai writes: Ravi bawled, shaking his head so that big tears flew. “Raghu didn’t find me. I won, I won…”

all ക്രിയേറ്റിവ് മണ്ണാങ്കട്ട gaming aside, it’s also some Desai appreciation…her way of writing… sensitive imagery about gamer protagonists and their gaming worlds! It’s good how sensitivity is not just romantic fiction-feature anymore, at least for me! growing up, my mother used to sometimes romanticize my ‘differences’ using the word apoorvaraagam, and that was that! Most of us are like her I guess, rarely ever intuitively-acknowledging the many differences in how different people navigate the same world.

the Neuro-junkie in me thinks that Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS) seems to be what Desai’s timewarp-ed protagonist is going through; temperamental personality trait involving increased sensitivity and deeper cognitive processing of social and emotional stimuli. apparently, people with a high measure of SPS make up about 15-20% of the population. they say it is the gene variants of ADRA2b and 5-HTTLPR that lead to the emotionally enhanced vividness in perception.

It’s good that making sense of these will influence how we raise our children; help make lives, more tolerant and relaxed for them!

hey KL, what is your son like? does he still prefer football to cricket despite his sub-continental genes? is he old enough to have a favorite football team? someday, will you be teaching him to hack-stalk women? :) .…. my son is right now in a freezer, probably waiting for his uterus implantation by year-end! Johan is expected to default-love soccer thanks to namesake Johan Cruyff.... let’s see how that sports inheritance goes!

p.s. In this Malayalam film scene, Nanda (Revathy) tries to humor her hard-stalker Naren (identical twin no.1 Lalettan). He somehow has all the A-Z on her, while she knows next to nothing about him and just keeps going in circles trying to figure out.....

I have always loved this song from Mayamayooram. Janakiamma singing ഇതളടർന്ന വഴിയിലൂടെ വരുമോ വസന്തം....? is easily among her best! Also, I will never really know why Shobhana is not superstar-Shobhana; she is effortless in everything…. ഒടുക്കത്തെ പേട്രിയാർക്കി തന്നെ, അല്ലാതെന്താ?!

#CLASSYwomen

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apriltwentythree · 6 years

Text

so i learnt something that made me smile.

all these while, whenever you would endorse the ‘noble’ profession of medical-nursing, i would automatically think of it as micro-Patronising. not many people in the social circles I’m familiar with, ever think of it as a desirable choice of making a living, similar to many jobs in service industries. and when the people in the social circles I’m familiar with, engage in such endorsements, I mostly just feel tempted to dismiss it with half-an-eyeroll.

say, during WomenInNeuro week some time back in March, I remember you getting ‘overly-excited’ when I twitter-clicked on a photo that a brainMD—one of the women-neurologists that I follow—had shared. it was a picture of female nursing staff aka her fellow-women-brain-homies. since i am also slightly wary of anyone who get overly-excited in general, that day I had assumed that you were indeed a micro-Patroniser.

...and when i discovered that your Grandma used to work in the Healthcare sector as a nurse, I found myself getting ‘overly-excited’ and thought that I definitely deserve a Nobel Prize in Medicine for this discovery. ha ha!

i realized that your excitement that day must have been for truly personal reasons bcoz of your grandma, just as much as it must have been about endorsing the ‘noble’ profession, in general. :)

anyways, that made me wish to dedicate the below post to your grandma which I had once written— my first ever medical writing of sorts and, in Malayalam—thanks again to the KL ‘wave’ effect.

12/12/2018

ഇന്നലെ രാത്രി വൈകും വരെ അടുത്തുള്ള ഒരാസ്പത്രിയിലെ Emergency Room -ഇൽ ആയിരുന്നു. മിന്താനേതി രാത്രിയിൽ കലശലായ ശ്വാസംമുട്ടൽ വന്ന്, ഒട്ടും തന്നെ ഉറങ്ങുവാൻ കഴിഞ്ഞിരുന്നില്ല!ഇന്നലെ ഉച്ചയായിട്ടും അത് കുറയാതിരുന്നതിനാൽ പെട്ടെന്ന് paranoid ആയി. രാണ്ടാഴ്ച മുൻപ് ഒരു രാത്രി dinner കഴിഞ്ഞിട്ട് ടീവി കണ്ടുകൊണ്ടിരുന്നപ്പോൾ, ശ്വാസതടസ്സം കലശലായി, കുറച്ചു നന്നേ കഷ്ടപ്പെട്ടിരുന്നൂ. പക്ഷെ, അടുത്ത ദിവസം രാവിലെ തന്നെ അത് താനെ പോയതിനാൽ അത്ര കാര്യമായി എടുത്തിരുന്നില്ല.

ഇന്നലെ രണ്ടാമതും breathlessness അനുഭവപ്പെട്ടപ്പോൾ ഒരു മാസം മുൻപ് നടത്തിയ ഒരു ചെറിയ IVF സർജറിയെ കുറിച്ച് ഓര്മ വന്നു. അന്ന് specialist പറഞ്ഞിരുന്നൂ : സർജറിയുടെ ഒരു risk, lung-ഇൽ blood clot വന്ന് Pulmonary Embolism വരാൻ സാധ്യതയുള്ളതാണെന്ന്. പക്ഷെ, ചുരുക്കം ചിലർക്കേ അത് വരാറുള്ളൂ എന്നും, എൻ്റെ profile പരിശോധിച്ചിട്ട് അതിനുള്ള chance negligible ആണെന്നും അവർ assure ചെയ്തിരുന്നു. അന്ന് google-ഇൽ ചില studies കണ്ടിരുന്നു : 1st trimester-ഇൽ pulmonary embolism വരുന്ന സ്ത്രീകൾ അധികവും IVF treatment നടത്തി ഗര്ഭിണികളായവരാണ് എന്ന്. IVF -ഉം PE -ഉം തമ്മിൽ നല്ല കണക്ഷൻ ഉണ്ടെന്നും, ഇത് IVF-ൻറെ ഒരു increased risk ആണെന്നും അറിയുവാൻ കഴിഞ്ഞിരുന്നു.

അത് കൊണ്ട് ഇന്നലെ ഉച്ച തിരിഞ്ഞു പെട്ടെന്ന് paranoid ആയി ഫോണിൽ 911 press ചെയ്ത് emergency services വിളിച്ചു വരുത്തിയാലോ എന്ന് വരെ ഒരു നിമിഷം ആലോചിച്ചു; പിന്നെ ധൈര്യം കരുതിയിരുന്ന്, ഓഫീസ് മീറ്റിംഗ്‌സെല്ലാം കഴിഞ് ഭർത്താവ് തിരിച്ചു വന്നതിന് ശേഷം, ഞങ്ങളുടെ ടൗണിലെ തന്നെയുള്ള ഒരു express care facility-യിൽ പോയി. ഒരു ഒന്നര മണിക്കൂർ അവിടെ കാത്തിരുന്നത്തിന്റെ അവസാനം, എന്നെ പരിശോധിക്കാൻ വന്ന physician ‘sudden shortness of breath’, 'IVF surgery’ എന്നതെല്ലാം കൂട്ടിയോജിപ്പിച് ’ അയ്യോ നിങ്ങൾ നേരം കളയാതെ കുറച്ചു കൂടി വലിയ ഏതെങ്കിലും ആശുപത്രിയിലേക്ക് പോകൂ’ എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു ഭയപ്പെടുത്തി, പിന്നെ ഉടനെ തന്നെ 'നിങ്ങളെ ഞാനിങ്ങനെ ഭയപ്പെടുത്താൻ പാടില്ല’ എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു apologize ചെയ്തു, ഒരു നല്ല ആശുപത്രി refer ചെയ്തു തന്ന് യാത്രയയച്ചു.

അടുത്തത് പോയത് ഞങ്ങളുടെ ടൗണായ Andover-ൻറെ അടുത്തുള്ള Lawrence എന്ന ഒരു ടൗണിലെ ജനറൽ ആശുപത്രിയിലായിരുന്നു. കഴിഞ്ഞ സെപ്റ്റംബറിൽ നടന്ന gas explosion & fire accident ഏറ്റവും കൂടുതൽ ബാധിച് ഏറ്റവും കൂടുതൽ ആളുകളെ displace ചെയ്യേണ്ടി വന്ന, Andover- നേക്കാൾ hispanic immigrant population തങ്ങുന്ന ടൗണാണ് Lawrence. എല്ലാവരും English-നേക്കാൾ Espanol-ഇൽ ആയിരുന്നു സംസാരിച്ചിരുന്നത്. Uncle Muhammad കഴിഞ്ഞ കൊല്ലം Acton എന്ന ടൗണിലെ അവരുടെ വാടക വീട്ടിൽ നിന്നും Andover-ഇലുള്ള ഒരു apartment complexഇൽ താമസം മാറി വന്നതിനാൽ മാത്രമാണ് ഞങ്ങളും ഇവിടേയ്ക്ക് വീട് മാറിയത്. ഒരു impulse buy ആയിരുന്നതിനാൽ, ഞങ്ങളുടെ 1100 sq ft , roughly ~450k വില മതിക്കുന്ന വീട് ഒഴിച്ച് ബാക്കിയുള്ള എല്ലാ വീടുകളും മിനിമം 1 million ഡോളർ വീടുകളാണെന്നു Andover-ഇൽ കുടിയേറി താമസിച്ചതിനു ശേഷമാണ് മനസ്സിലായത്. Uncle Muhammad-ഇൻറെ സാമീപ്യവും, പിന്നെ Andover ടൗണിനുള്ളിലെ തന്നെ, ഞാൻ ട്രെയിൻ ഏറിയിറങ്ങു്ന്ന Ballardvale എന്ന old world charm ഉള്ള കൊച്ചു ഗ്രാമമും മാറ്റി കഴിഞ്ഞാൽ Andover-ഇൽ തന്നെ താമസിക്കേണ്ട കാര്യമില്ല.

ആശുപത്രിയിലെത്തി പേര് രജിസ്റ്റർ ചെയ്തു വീണ്ടും ഒന്നര മണിക്കൂറോളം കാത്തിരിക്കേണ്ടി വന്നു. അത്ര ആൾകൂട്ടമായിരുന്നു അവിടുള്ള emergency care center-ഇൽ. പിന്നെയെപ്പഴോ ഒരു അറ്റൻഡർ വന്നു 'Anna’ എന്ന് വിളിച്ചപ്പോൾ, മിക്കപോഴും സംഭവിക്കാറുള്ളത് പോലെ, എന്നെയാണ് വിളിച്ചതെന്ന് മനസ്സിലാക്കി ഞാൻ preliminary vitals എടുക്കുന്ന ഇടത്തു പോയിരുന്നു. അവിടെ എല്ലാം പൂർത്തീകരിച്ചു, അടുത്തത് ECG room- ലേക്ക് പോയി. എക്‌സാമിനേഷൻ കഴിഞ്, അതെടുത്ത ടെക്‌നിഷ്യൻ പറഞ്ഞറിഞ്ഞൂ Dysnpnea(shortness ഓഫ് breath) വന്നത് എൻറെ left atrium-ഇൽ possible enlargement ഉള്ളത് കാരണമായിരിക്കാം എന്ന്. എന്നിട്ടു bloodwork നടത്തുന്നതിനായി അയച്ചു. 'CBC with D-Dimer test’ blood clot ഉണ്ടോ എന്ന് പരിശോധിക്കാനായി reliable ആയ മാർഗമാണത്രെ! Pulmonary Embolism ഉണ്ടെങ്കിൽ, blood clot ശരീരത്തിലുണ്ടെങ്കിൽ, D-Dimer എന്ന protein fragment രക്തത്തിൽ float ചെയ്യും. ഉദാഹരണത്തിന്‌, ഒരു മുറിവുണങ്ങുമ്പോൾ, over time, ഈ fragments താനേ dissolve ആകും. പക്ഷെ, PE patients-ഇൽ, clot/thrombus ഉള്ളതിനാൽ, ഇത് high levels-ഇൽ കാണപ്പെടുമത്രേ! ഈ ടെസ്റ്റ് negative ആണെങ്കിൽ blood clot ഉം ഉണ്ടാകില്ല, വേഗം വീട്ടിലേക്ക് പോകാം എന്ന് അറിയുവാൻ കഴിഞ്ഞു.

Blood Hematocrit/CBC % levels അറിയുവാനായി പിന്നെയും ഒന്നര മണിക്കൂർ കാത്തിരിക്കേണ്ടി വന്നു. വീട്ടിൽ Leica തന്നെ തനിച്ചിരുത്തിപോയതിൽ പരിഭവിച്, കഴിഞ്ഞ 4 മണിക്കൂറായി കുരച്ചുകൊണ്ടേയിരിക്കുന്നൂ എന്നറിയിച് ഫോണിലുള്ള Furbo app-ഇൽ നിന്നും notifications വന്നു കൊണ്ടേയിരുന്നു. സാധാരണ ഞങ്ങൾ Leica-യെ അധിക നേരം തനിച്ചു വിടാത്തതിനാൽ, ഭർത്താവ് വീട്ടിലേക്കു പോയി അവൾക്കു ഭക്ഷണമൊക്കെ കൊടുത്തു ഒന്ന് reassure ചെയ്തു വരുവാൻ വേണ്ടി പോയി. സ്വന്തം നായ കുടുംബത്തെയൊക്കെ ഉപേക്ഷിക്കേണ്ടി വന്നു, വേറെ വഴിയില്ലാതെ, കുറച്ചു തല്ലുകൊള്ളിയാണെങ്കിലും, മനുഷ്യരെയൊക്കെ സ്നേഹിച്ചു കാലം കഴിച്ചുകൂട്ടുന്ന ഒരു പാവം ജീവനല്ലേ?

Emergency Room-ഇൽ wait ചെയ്തിരിക്കുമ്പോൾ അറ്റെൻഡിങ് നേഴ്സ് വന്നു വാ തോരാതെ സംസാരിക്കുവാൻ തുടങ്ങി. അദ്ദേഹം കണ്ണട ധരിച്ചിരുന്നതിനാലും, കണ്ണട ധരിക്കുന്നവരോട് എപ്പോഴും എനിക്കൊരു പ്രത്യേക affection തോന്നുന്നതിനാലും ഞാൻ തിരിച്ചു engage ചെയ്തു. dork/nerd/geek subculture ഇപ്പോഴത്തെ കാലത്തു quite well- loved ആയി മാറുന്നതിനു മുൻപു, കണ്ണട ധരിച്ചിരുന്ന എല്ലാ പേരും അവരവരുടെ തന്നെ തലകൾക്കുള്ളിൽ persecuted ആയി ജീവിച്ചിരുന്ന ഒരു നീണ്ട, ഒരിക്കലും തീരാത്ത, ഒരു കാലം ഉണ്ടായിരുന്നുവെന്ന്, വെറുതെയെങ്കിലും, ഞാൻ വിശ്വസിക്കുവാൻ ആഗ്രഹിക്കുന്നു.

'നമ്മുടെ രണ്ടു പേരുടെയും കൈത്തണ്ടകൾ ഒരേ പോലെ മെലിഞ്ഞിരിക്കുന്നു’ —ഈ കഴിഞ്ഞ കുറച്ചു മാസങ്ങളായി loss of appetite കാരണം എനിക്ക് 30 പൗണ്ട് കുറഞ്ഞിരുന്നു, zero exercise I swear ! സോഷ്യൽ മീഡിയ engagement ആണ് super introverted ആയി ഉള്ളവർക്ക് പലതരം രോഗങ്ങൾ വരുവാൻ കാരണമാകുന്ന അമിതതടിയൊക്കെ കുറച്ചു, പകരം ആരോഗ്യവതിയായി ജീവിക്കുവാൻ ഏറ്റവും നന്ന് എന്നു എനിക്ക് തോന്നുന്നു. 120 പൗണ്ടിൽ നിന്നും ഇപ്പോൾ 90 പൗണ്ട് ! — എന്ന് അദ്ദേഹം ചിരിച്ചു കൊണ്ട് observation ഒക്കെ നടത്തി, എൻറെ കൈയിൽ IV Fluids ക്ലിപ്പ് ചെയ്യുന്നതിനിടയിൽ, കുറച്ചു vein ശാസ്ത്രവും പഠിപ്പിച്ചു തന്നു. അദ്ദേഹം ഒരു travelling nurse ആണെന്നും, അടുത്ത മാസം സേവനം Newyork-ഇൽ ഉള്ള ഒരു ആശുപത്രിയിൽ ആണെന്നും അറിയുവാൻ കഴിഞ്ഞു. അങ്ങനെ ഞങ്ങൾ കണ്ണടസൗഹൃദം പങ്കു വെച്ചുകൊണ്ടിരിക്കുമ്പോൾ ward-ലെ പ്രധാന Physician ആദ്യമായി അവതരിച്, അദ്ദേഹത്തെ സ്വയം-പരിചയപ്പെടുത്തി തന്നു.

എൻറെ chart എക്സാമിന് ചെയ്തിട്ട്, വിമ്മിഷ്ടവിശേഷങ്ങങ്ങളുടെ ചരിത്രമൊക്കെ ദീർഘമായി ചോദിച്ചന്വേഷിച്ചിട്ട്, ലാബറട്ടറിയിൽ ചെന്ന് blood test നോക്കി ഇപ്പൊ തന്നെ തിരിച്ചു വരാമെന്ന് പറഞ്ഞിട്ട് അദ്ദേഹം room-ഇൽ നിന്നും പോയി. എന്നിട്ടു മടങ്ങി വന്ന് PE mildly positive ആണെന്നും, ഒരു pregnancy test നടത്തിയിട്ടു, CT Scan ചെയ്താലേ കൂടുതൽ എന്തെങ്കിലും അറിയുവാൻ സാധിക്കുകയുമുള്ളൂ എന്നും പറഞ്ഞു മനസ്സിലാക്കി തന്നു. CT Scan രണ്ടു തരത്തിൽ helpful ആകും. ചിലപ്പോൾ bloodwork-ഇൽ positive കാട്ടിയാലും, സത്യത്തിൽ blood clot ഇല്ലാതെയിരിക്കുവാൻ സാധ്യതയുണ്ട്. പിന്നെ ഇനി അഥവാ clot ഉണ്ടെങ്കിൽ തന്നെ അതിന്റെ ലൊക്കേഷൻ വിവരങ്ങളൊന്നും CBC with D-Dimer Test -ഇൽ നിന്നും അറിയുവാൻ കഴിയാത്തതിനാൽ CT Scan അനിവാര്യം.

Blood Test details വിശദീകരിച്ചു തരുവാനായുള്ള english fluency മുഴുവനായില്ലാതിരുന്ന അദ്ദേഹം espanol-ഇലും english-ഇലുമായി കാര്യങ്ങൾ വിശദീകരിച്ചു തരുവാൻ ശ്രമിച്ചുവെങ്കിലും, അത് വേഗത്തിൽ ഗ്രഹിക്കുവാനുള്ള medical language fluency എനിക്കില്ലാത്തതിനാലും, അദ്ദേഹത്തോട് ഞാൻ printed clinical notes ആവശ്യപ്പെട്ടു. emergency care -ഇൽ നല്ല തിരക്കുള്ള സമയമായിരുന്നിട്ടും ആവശ്യം അംഗീകരിച്ചു തരാമെന്ന് അദ്ദേഹമേൽക്കുകയും ചെയ്തു. Report കയ്യിൽ കിട്ടി ഞാൻ read ചെയ്തപ്പോൾ Hematocrit, Absolute Monocyte Count, Absolute Eosinophil Count തുടങ്ങിയവ അക്‌സെപ്റ്റബ്ൾ-നേക്കാൾ higher levels -ഇൽ കാണപ്പെടുന്നതു കൊണ്ടാണ് clot suspect ചെയ്യുന്നതെന്ന് മനസ്സിലായി. CT Scan കഴിഞ്ഞാലേ if it’s okay bad OR if it’s real bad എന്ന് തീർത്തു പറയുവാൻ കഴിയുകയുള്ളൂ എന്നും, ഭയപ്പെടേണ്ട കാര്യമില്ലെന്നും കണ്ണടസുഹൃത്ത് ഓർമപ്പെടുത്തി തന്നു.

CT Angiogram ഒരു PERC(Pulmonary Embolism Rule Out Criteria) ആണ്. Blood Clot ഉണ്ടോ എന്നറിയുവാൻ വേണ്ടി, blood vessels highlight ചെയ്യുവാൻ വേണ്ടി ഉപയോഗിക്കുന്ന IV Contrast Dye മൂലം ചിലപ്പോൾ kidney damage, iodine allergic reaction എന്നിവ വന്നേക്കാമെന്നു പറഞ്ഞു CT Technician ആവശ്യമില്ലാതെ പേടി പെടുത്താൻ നോക്കി. ഇതൊക്കെ ഞാനെത്രകണ്ടിരിക്കുന്നൂ, നിങ്ങൾ വേഗം CT Scan നടത്തിയാൽ എനിക്ക് തിരിച്ചെന്റെ room-ഇൽ പോകുവാൻ കഴിയും എന്നര്ത്ഥമാകും വിധം എൻ്റെ മനസിൻറെയുള്ളിൽ, അദ്ദേഹം അറിയാത്ത വിധം, eyeroll ചെയ്തു ഞാനും സമയം കഴിച് നീക്കി. Scan കഴിഞ്ഞു തിരിച്ചു room-ഇൽ എത്തിയപ്പോൾ കണ്ണടസുഹൃത് എൻറെ കയ്യിൽ IV Fluids തിരിച്ചു ക്ലിപ്പ് ചെയ്തു തന്ന്, double blanket വെച്ച് പുതപ്പിച്ചിട്ട് 'ഉറങ്ങിക്കോളൂ, Scan result വരാൻ 1-2 മണിക്കൂർ ആകു’മെന്ന് പറഞ്ഞിട്ട്, light dim ചെയ്തു തന്നിട്ട്, പോയി.

വളരെ പ്രായം ചെന്നവരുടെയും ചെറിയ കുട്ടികളുടെയും circadian clock എൻറെ ശരീരത്തിനുള്ളിലുള്ളതിനാൽ വൈകുന്നേരം 7 മണിക്ക് ഉറങ്ങുവാനും 3 മണിക്ക് എഴുന്നേറ്റു ഉറങ്ങുന്നവരെ ശല്യപ്പെടുത്താനും എനിക്ക് അനായാസമായി കഴിയുന്നതാണ്. അത് കൊണ്ട് സമയം 9:30 pm ആയതിനാലും Leica-യെ പരിചരിക്കാൻ പോയ ഭർത്താവ് തിരികെ വരാൻ വൈകുന്നതിനാലും ഞാൻ ഉറങ്ങുവാൻ തീരുമാനിച്ചു. പക്ഷെ,unsurprisingly, ഉറക്കം വന്നില്ല. മരണത്തെ എനിക്ക് ഭയം തന്നെയാണ്‌. child birth -ലോ rail accident-ലോ ഒരു fine day ഞാൻ മരിച്ചുപോകും എന്നെനിക്കു എപ്പോഴും തോന്നാറുണ്ട്. അല്ലെങ്കിൽ ഏതെങ്കിലും ഒരു വെടിവെപ്പിൽ! കേരളം ദൈവത്തിൻറെ സ്വന്തം നാടെന്ന പോലെ അമേരിക്ക മാസ്സ് ഷൂട്ടിങ്ങിന്റെ സ്വന്തം നാട് തന്നെയാണ്. ഇനി pulmonary embolism ആകുമോ എൻറെ മരണകാരണം?

വളരെ ചെറുപ്പത്തിൽ ജീവിതത്തെ പറ്റിയും, മരണത്തെ പറ്റിയുമൊക്കെ ആലോചിച്ചു തുടങ്ങിയിരുന്ന കാലത്തു ഞാൻ തീർച്ചപ്പെടുത്തിയിരുന്നു 30-35 വയസ്സ് കഴിഞ്ഞു ജീവിക്കുന്നതിൽ അർത്ഥമില്ല എന്ന്. എനിക്ക് ചുറ്റും എനിക്ക് പരിചയമുള്ള adults ഒക്കെ ജീവിതം കഷ്ടം നിറഞ്ഞതു പോലെയും, പ്രായത്തിൽ കുറഞ്ഞവർ ജീവിതം ആഹ്ലാദിച്ചു ജീവിക്കുന്നതും കണ്ടു, natural causes-ഇൽ മരിച്ചില്ലെങ്കിൽ തീർച്ചയായും ആത്‍മഹത്യ ചെയ്തു ജീവനൊടുക്കണമെന്നു ഞാൻ തീർച്ച പെടുത്തിയിരുന്നു. suicide എൻറെയൊരു ജീവിതാഭിലാഷമായിരുന്നു എന്ന് പറയുന്നതിൽ വലിയ തെറ്റില്ല!

പിന്നീട് രാമവിരഹം പറ്റിയ,നല്ല ഒരു കാരണമാക്കി ഞാൻ 30-ആം വയസ്സിൽ ആത്‌മഹത്യക്കു തുനിഞ്ഞപ്പോൾ hey life, you and i had a pretty decent run, now it’s time to take leave എന്ന് മനസ്സിലോർത്തു ഇനി മരിച്ചേക്കാം എന്ന് വളരെ കാര്യമായും തന്നെ കരുതിയതാണ്. Immolation, Hanging, Poisoning, Self-strangulation എന്നിവ വളരെ violent-ഉം gory-ഉം ആയി തോന്നിയതിനാലാണ് കുറച്ചു peaceful സ്വഭാവമുള്ള drowning ഞാൻ ആത്‌മഹത്യക്കു പറ്റിയ medium ആയി തിരഞ്ഞെടുത്തത്. അതിന്, എൻറെ octogenarian friend ആയ Dan-നിൻറെ കൂടെ മുൻപൊരിക്കൽ സന്ദർശിച്ചിരുന്ന Walden Pond എന്ന hipster തടാകമാണ് ഉചിതമെന്നെനിക്കന്നു തോന്നി.

അമേരിക്കൻ ചരിത്രത്തിൽ Walden Pond-നു നല്ല പ്രാധാന്യമുണ്ട്. ഇത് one of my all-time favorite poems ആണ്. Walden Pond-നെ എല്ലാവരും എഴുത്തുകാരനും Transcendentalist philosopher-ഉം ആയ Henry David Thoreau വുമായി എപ്പോഴും associate ചെയ്യാറുണ്ട്. “A core belief of transcendentalism is in the inherent goodness of people and nature. Adherents believe that society and its institutions have corrupted the purity of the individual, and they have faith that people are at their best when truly "self-reliant” and independent.Early in the movement’s history, the term “Transcendentalists” was used as a pejorative term by critics, who were suggesting their position was beyond sanity and reason.“

Walden pond commercialized tourist spot അല്ല, ചരിത്രമൊക്കെ അറിയുവാൻ താൽപര്യമുള്ള ചുരുക്കം ചിലരും health conscious trail runners-ഉം മാത്രമേ സാധാരണ അവിടം സന്ദർശിക്കാറുള്ളൂ. പ്രത്യേകിച്ച് ഞാൻ ആത്‌മഹത്യക്ക്‌ ശ്രമിച്ച തണുത്ത നവംബർ മാസത്തിൽ. അന്ന് അവിടെ പോയി ഒരു bench-ഇൽ ഇരിക്കുമ്പോൾ ഞാനുൾപ്പെടെ നാലോ അഞ്ചോ പേർ മാത്രമേ അവിടെ ഉണ്ടായിരുന്നുള്ളൂ.അവരൊക്കെ സ്ഥലം കാലിയാക്കുവാൻ കാത്തു, എൻ്റെ ബാഗിലുണ്ടായിരുന്ന ഏതോ brochure വായിച്ചുകൊണ്ടു, ഞാൻ ക്ഷമയോടെ ഇരുന്നു. സമയം വൈകുന്നേരം മൂന്നോ നാലോ മണിയെ ആയിരുന്നിട്ടുണ്ടായിരുന്നെങ്കിലും, ഇരുട്ടി തുടങ്ങിയിരുന്നു. അവസാനം എല്ലാ പേരും പോയി എന്നുറപ്പാക്കി ഒരു 15 മിനിറ്റ് കൂടി കാത്തു, ബാഗിലുണ്ടായിരുന്ന wine bottle കാലിയാക്കി ഞാൻ വെള്ളത്തിലേക്ക് നടന്നു. താണ് മുങ്ങി അബോധാവസ്ഥയിലേക്ക് പോകുന്നത് എനിക്കിപ്പോഴും അന്നത്തേത് പോലെ തന്നെ sense ചെയ്യുവാൻ കഴിയും.

എനിക്കറിയില്ലായിരുന്നു ബാക്കി എല്ലാവരും മടങ്ങാൻ തുടങ്ങുന്ന ശേഷവും നവംബർ തണുപ്പിൽ park benchഇൽ തനിച്ചിരിക്കുന്ന ഒരു brown woman-ൻറെ picture frame ഏതോ ഒരു ബ്രിട്ടീഷ് ടൂറിസ്റ്റിൽ alarm bells ഓൺ ആക്കിയിരുന്നു എന്ന്. അദ്ദേഹം മരങ്ങളുടെ ഇടയിൽ നിന്ന് എന്നെ observe ചെയ്തു, പിന്നെ ഞാൻ ആഴങ്ങളിലേക്ക് താഴ്ന്നു പോകുന്നതിന് മുൻപേ വലിച്ചിഴച്ചു കരയിലാക്കി 911 emergency services വിളിച്ചു വരുത്തി ആശുപത്രിയിൽ എത്തിച്ചത് കാരണമാണ് respiratory failure അന്നെന്റെ മരണകാരണം ആകാതെയിരുന്നത്.

ഇന്നിപ്പോൾ വേറെയൊരു respiratory ailment-ഉമായി ഞാൻ ആശുപത്രിയിലിരിക്കുമ്പോൾ എൻ്റെ lungs-ന്റെ functioning mechanism-ത്തെ പറ്റി മുൻപില്ലാത്ത വിധം ഞാൻ ശ്രദ്ധാലുവായി. lung എന്ന body organ -നെ പറ്റി എന്തൊക്കെ കാര്യങ്ങൾ എനിക്ക്‌ detailed ആയി അറിയാമെന്നു ഒന്നൊന്നായി ഞാൻ ഓർത്തെടുക്കാൻ നോക്കി. മനുഷ്യരുടെ lung-നേക്കാൾ എനിക്ക് കൂടുതലും അറിയാവുന്നതു ഒരു നായകുട്ടിയുടെ lung-നെ കുറിച്ചാണ് എന്ന് ഞാൻ ചിരിച്ചു കൊണ്ടോർമിച്ചു. ഇതിനു കാരണം – കഴിഞ്ഞ ഫെബ്രുവരിയിൽ Leica-യ്ക്ക് രണ്ടു മാസം Pneumonia ആയിരുന്നപ്പോൾ, ആ കൊച്ചു നായക്കുട്ടി കുറെ കഷ്ടപ്പെടുന്നത് കണ്ടു ഞാൻ dog lung-നെ കുറിച്ച് കുറേ വായിച്ചിരുന്നു. Leica-യ്ക്ക് അന്ന് Neutrophil Count critically low ആയിരുന്നെങ്കിൽ ഇന്നെനിക്കു Monocyte Count-ഉം Hematocrit-ഉം ഒക്കെ കുറച്ചു elevated ആയിരിക്കുന്നു. എൻ്റെ Neutrophil-to-Lymphocyte ratio ഒക്കെ വളരെ normal ആണെന്ന് report-il ഞാൻ കണ്ടിരുന്നു.

Leica-യ്ക്ക് ഭക്ഷണമൊക്കെ കൊടുത്ത്, ചെറിയ walk-ന് ഒക്കെ കൂട്ടി കൊണ്ട് പോയി സന്തോഷിപ്പിച്ചതിന് ശേഷം ഭർത്താവ് CT Scan result അറിയുവാനുള്ള ആകാംഷയുമായി room-ഇൽ എന്നെ join ചെയ്തു വന്നിരുന്നു. പിന്നെയും ഒരു അര മണിക്കൂർ കഴിഞ്ഞു, Physician MD വന്നു എൻ്റെ ശരീരത്തിൽ blood clot ഇല്ലായെന്നും, PE ഇല്ലായെന്നും അറിയിച് findings ഒക്കെ കാട്ടി തന്നു : എന്തോ ഒരു aberrant right subclavian artery origin variant മാത്രമേയുള്ളൂ എന്നും അത് സാരമാക്കേണ്ടതില്ലെന്നാണ് തൻ്റെ അഭിപ്രായമെന്നും, അദ്ദേഹത്തിന് സമാധാനമായി എന്നും,PE can be life changing എന്നുമഭിപ്രായപെട്ടു animated ആയി, relieved ആയി എൻ്റെ തോളിൽ തട്ടി അഭിനന്ദിച്ചു. IV Fluids -ൻറെ knob high-ലേക്ക് turn ചെയ്തു ഒരു മുപ്പതു മിനിറ്റിൽ തിരിച്ചു വീട്ടിൽ പോകാമെന്നും, നാളെ ഒരു ദിവസം ഓഫീസിൽ പോകാതെ വീട്ടിലിരുന്നു rest എടുക്കാനും ഉപദേശിച്ചു യാത്ര പറഞ്ഞു.

Pulmonary Embolism ബാധിച്ചു ഞാൻ മരിക്കാനിടയില്ല എന്നത് എന്നെ തത്കാലത്തേക്ക് സന്തോഷവതിയാക്കി. അങ്ങനെ ഒരു long, claustrophobic day മുടിച്ചു ഞങ്ങൾ അർധരാത്രിയോട് ചേർന്ന് തിരിച്ചു വീടെത്തി. 9 മണിക്കൂറോളം ആദ്യമായി വീട്ടിൽ തനിച്ചിരുന്നു record സൃഷ്‌ടിച്ച Leica-യെ ഞാനും animated ആയി, relieved ആയി തോളിൽ തട്ടി അഭിനന്ദിച്ചു. മൂന്ന് ജീവനുകൾ മരിച്ചൊന്നും പോകാതെ, തളർന്നു കിടന്നു, മൂടിപ്പുതച്ചു, കൂർക്കം വലിച്ചുറങ്ങി.

Findings:

Vascular: There is adequate opacification of the pulmonary arteries with no evidence of filling defects to suggest Pulmonary Embolism. The aorta and pulmonary artery are normal in caliber. Aberrant right subclavian artery.

Mediastinum: The cardiomediastinal structures are unremarkable.

Lungs: No consolidation or mass. No significant interstitial abnormality.

Pleura: No pleural effusion or pneumothorax.

Lymph Nodes: There is no significant mediastinal, hilar or axillary lymphadenopathy.

Soft Tissues/Osseous : Unremarkable.

Upper Abdomen: Unremarkable

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apriltwentythree · 7 years

Text

good morning Hacker, i have a question for you.

will everything about me have to some day end up being ‘just collateral damage along the way of your life pursuits’…?

late last year, Boston Medical Center the hospital place that I work at, and all its satellite wings, were brought together to be on the same umbrella administration. from our team — Business Systems IT-- a couple of people were let-go. our team basically deals with the business side of Hospital Administration. in very simplified terms, we work on a HealthCare software that manages BMC’s ‘Hospital Contracts’ with various participants in the healthcare avenue, primarily in the state of Massachussets. we software-manage contracts with other Hospitals, Providers, Patients, Insurance Models, Government programs like Medicare/Medicaid etc. and configure how different health services are paid and billed for patients in all different kinds of Healthcare plans. internally, our team has two sub-teams: NetworX group and Benefits group. I am in the NetworX group. but, because one of the real-expert-guys in the Benefits area was among those that were let-go, some of us in the NetworX group are now made to work on Benefits queue, and so far it has worked out well for the team!

i say this here as I actually don’t know what exact information from my world is “hack-broadcasted around”. I keep trying to trace back everything I did over the past week, and figure out what it is, that has been read out of context by the Hacker just so he feels that everyone may need to have a field day on Facebook. because i had just written a blog post on May 10th about neuro stuff, creative stuff, things i love, people i love, my mother, ‘son’, peace etc. whilst finding myself in a nice, warm headspace. and the last thing i would have wished to do then was to turn around and go about engaging in silly remarks, supposedly oh-so-sexual, the following day! because, that blog writing meant something to me, my writings always mean something to me. it was just by chance i figured that may be some of my work emails or laptop usage or phone usage or whatever the heck it is, is taken out of context and being hack-broadcasted, to supersede everything that i write on my blog?!

don’t take me wrong, I am not playing at being Kulasthree-oh-so-prude. i can very well indulge in sex humor on-demand. say, i remember this one day in March. after attempting to end Truman Show for the umpteenth time, I had phone-browsed SH’s profile page to find a fun read on ‘ErectileDysfunction(ED) and new solution’, which was meant for me as a funny supportive gesture amidst all the hard hackathon. at the time, the Hacker had hack-broadcasted this incident to shame me(not SH). after which, he had retweeted a picture of some scenic locale captioned “here’s a slice of Kumbalangi for you” or something of that sort, I can’t remember exactly. no one had shamed the Hacker then either.

there is something that I have never really told anyone. because of my biracial-parentage inheritance, because of both black and white parentage, my vagina is magical. one half appears milk-white in color, and the other half appears kohl-black in color. what is the percentage of dual-racial-marriages in our country? about 15 percent…i’m not really sure? out of all people born out of dual-racial-marriages….how many are men, how many are women? what is the sex-ratio in our nation….51:49 percent??? so do the math. out of all the vaginas in our country, currently how many vaginas on this socmedia-sphere right now, are exotic-rare like mine… one half being milk-white and the other half being kohl-black? it won’t be a very large number, definitely. so I’m not bragging when i say that my vagina is quite rare in its being.

let’s say, there is a black penis and a white penis here….say hypothetically, of the genre ‘ED-resolved’ and of the genre ‘Kumbalangi’. now, my vagina can sense this information on its own—in an AI-like-smart manner— and, it then acts like a shape-shifter to conjure up two independent pathways, one each for each penis, and like a standalone dual-vagina, it may handle both the genres together. i will leave it to the reader’s imagination on how that may work. but here’s the real, cool part: let’s say the triangle encounter is to result in pregnancy, my vagina has the technical know-how to merge the sperm from both sources, and this ‘merger-sperm’ is what is utilized toward the process of baby-making. and that child born would LITERALLY be ‘പല തന്തക്ക് പിറന്നവൻ/ൾ/ർ’. next, in case there’s only one penis in the vicinity, either black or white. my vagina senses this information too on its own— again in an AI-like-smart manner—and the two pathways magically transform back into a single pathway, and operate like a regular vagina. bcoz otherwise it will be weird, and that poor single penis—black or white— will really be confused. to wrap, my vagina is a magic vagina. #whenYourWorldisColorlessYetSoColorfulOMG

this above humble attempt at sex humor is dedicated to any-inflated-sense-of-self-importance that people-with-penis may generally be prone to have!

look, all I’m really trying to say is, it was upsetting to learn that what i wrote here before about disability and SPS and other things that hold value to me was only to be watered off the next day, through random hack-broadcasting.

do i have a choice in saying that i wish the hacking be ended…? that i wish to stay in silence and go off the grid for a while…?

yesterday i happened to read a random comment that the Hacker made on his page: വഴിയേ പോയ എന്റെ നെഞ്ചത്തോട്ട് തന്നെ കേറ്റിക്കോ...

i was left wondering, if may be that is how the Hacker feels about stuff in general, may be this is how I feel about stuff in general: വഴിയേ കൂടി പോലും പോകാതെ, വീട്ടിനകത്തെ അടുക്കളയ്ക്കുള്ളിൽ സ്വസ്ഥമായിരിക്കുന്ന എന്നെ, ഇടയ്ക്കിടക്ക് വഴിയിലേക്ക് വലിച്ചിഴച്ചിട്ടിട്ടു, എന്റെ നെഞ്ചത്തോട്ട് തന്നെ കേറ്റിക്കോ...

:) hello Hacker. will everything about me have to some day end up being ‘just collateral damage along the way of your life pursuits’…?

anyways, editing this previous piece to read: “i wish to dedicate my first medical writing of sorts to your grandma whoozz nurse just like me” …..there’s an uncle from my mother’s side of the family who used to work as a Physician and he had ended up marrying a ‘christian woman’ who used to work as a Nurse alongside him at their hospital. my mum used to sort of dislike her, and so hanging out with her to annoy my mum was something that i had always looked forward to. i have interesting memories. then, through the past few years, making reference to nursing was one of socmedia-misogyny’s favorite ways of ‘showing me my place’, and at times I would find this generic senseless-ness a little unsettling. so when i discovered that your grandma was into nursing, it was a lovely #MakeNursingGreatAgain moment inside my head, and everything seemed back at being cool, like how it always was for me. :)

the concept of hospital-Informatics, which is pretty big in the healthCare sector these days is some times credited to inventor Flo Nightingale, all-time favorite nurse of the world. after discovering the-grandma-trivia, that day i had ended up reading about clinical informatics in the context of personalized medicine and patient driven information economy. i had also stumbled upon the Obama-started Precision Medicine Initiative whose core concept is to harness measurements of multiple modalities — not just clinical and generic evaluations, but environmental exposures, daily activities, and many others-- to get a comprehensive view of the patient’s state and its trajectory over time. and also, about the creation of a patient-driven Information Commons whose focus is the alignment of all available biomedical data per individual.

….in general, the-grandma-trivia discovery day was filled with some good ideas to think about, healthcare-wise, thank you!

p.s. this song is among the Hacker’s all-time favorite playlist. hey world, do you want to listen in….? :)

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