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ardwynna · 3 months

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ardwynna · 3 months

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ardwynna · 3 months

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Gather 'round, kiddies, your Uncle Vance is about to rant like a geezer for a minute.

Several times now I've seen posts go around with queer people patting ourselves on the back because queer people *never* get into bad marriages, whereas heteros always do... or some weird shit like that.

And man, I just have to be sad. Because that lack of empathy isn't helpful to anyone and the "it won't happen to me" shit is exactly how it happens to you.

Oh, I'll never be as unhappy as my parents, divorce is legal now.

I'll never be as unhappy as my parents, I went to college.

I'll never be as unhappy as my parents, women have rights now.

I'll never be as unhappy as my parents, I'm queer. I'm smart. I'm hard-working.

I know how to be happy.

I, unlike anyone in any previous generation before me, actually love the person I'm with.

I, unlike Those People, actually like my partner.

I, unlike The Enemy, am neither blisteringly stupid nor simply unlucky.

I truly hope this isn't news and that I'm just misreading the room (again), but heteros/hetero-passing couples? They don't marry people they don't like. They marry people they love (in some cultures, anyway, we're not talking about arrangements or forced marriages or the like where people don't know each other extremely well before marriage -- I'm talking specifically contemporary love marriages here). It's just that when you go into things thinking love and identity are enough, you are going to be catastrophically wrong.

And as much as it sucks, gender is a culture and cross-cultural marriages are harder. There's so much more you have to negotiate about. There's so much more you have to be empathetic and compassionate about. There's so much more that the other person is going to do in completely good faith that is going to hurt like fucking hell or be hair-pullingly obnoxious or just baffle the shit out of you. Not because they're evil and not because heteros/hetero-passing couples are stupid or hateful, but because that's humanity. We're primates, y'know? We as a species get bent out of shape about the smallest possible differences (TP: over or under?) because that's how primate brains work. When two people from two different households get together they've got to meld those two household cultures. Every additional layer of difference makes it a little tougher: personality, gender roles/expectations, religion/sect, SES/caste, language(s), region/country, age group, education level, life experiences, jobs, skin tone, biospychosocial states, etc etc etc etc. Every difference makes it either a little or a lot more likely that you're going to bump heads. And yeah, not having the genderculture differences to bump about is an advantage, but it's not the The Secret Cheatcode or whatever.

So going into a relationship telling yourself that you're Better than everyone who ever came before... you're gonna be less likely to work on things when those little differences start to pile up. Being queer and already flexible about gender culture is great. That's an advantage because gender expectations/roles shape how a person thinks and acts and the more you're on the same page the less likely you are to make harmful assumptions. But it doesn't mean that people who are in heteroesque relationships are somehow all running out in a rush to marry and stay with people they hate. That's just... why would anyone do that?

As for why people stay married to people they've grown to hate?

Because it sucks less: gender/orientation notwithstanding.

It sucks less to stay in an unhappy marriage than it does to start all over with no money/home/family/built-in support. When weighing an unhappy-but-stable home against stigma, loneliness, homelessness/unsafe housing, losing one's children, losing one's friends, losing money/time/property/good will to divorce proceedings, etc, it's not necessarily unreasonable to say well, this sucks and I'm unhappy but I recognize I'd be a hell of a lot unhappier living with three strungout dingdongs from Criagslist.

Get divorced? In this economy??

Said another way: Aunt Diane and Uncle Jack aren't miserable because they're hetero and therefore married already hating each other -- they're miserable because they thought their love was gonna see them through all obstacles. They're not still married because they're too stupid to separate -- they're still together because Aunt Diane wouldn't be able to afford insurance on her shitty salary and Uncle Jack doesn't want to miss out on time with his kids. Is it the right choice? That's not for anyone but Diane and Jack to decide. It's certainly not for anyone else to go feeling smug about.

So, my queer darlings, beware the trap of hubris, eh? Being overconfident that your specific circumstances will save you from a great marriage rotting out from under you is exactly where the rot starts. Be willing and ready and humble enough to work on it when the tough times hit.

If they don't, great. But don't bank on it, okay? You deserve to reap the benefits of humility. Be ready for life to go on, and all that.

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ardwynna · 6 months

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Neither. Admin posted it on a physical bulletin board and we all had to go copy our own class schedule down.

wait important survey question how old are you and did you get your high school class schedules on paper or electronically?? because i’m 26 and facebook just reminded me that i used to get a physical letter with my high school class schedule on it and it made me feel ancient and decrepit

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ardwynna · 6 months

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