arlenepayingitforward

[arlenepayingitforward]

In the Darkness

As I hold back tears

From streaming

Down my face,

I take deep

Cleansing breaths

With my eyes closed

Count to 10

In and out

In and out

In and out...

I scan my body

Slowly listening

To her suffering

And feeling

Her pain

Giving myself

Permission to feel

To feel this torture

This torment.

Questions ruminate

Within my brain

Why? I demand.

"How could you NOT know?"

I feel my Dark place

She has returned

"She's a living hell,"

I whisper.

She feels lonely

And deathly dark

And wreaks of desperation

She feels jealous

And insecure and anger

And she's running on empty.

She believes...

In nothing or no one

Not even love

Because love...

Failed her.

The Darkness...

Overtakes me and

Descends upon me

Degrading my entire being.

I allow my Darkness

To overwhelm me

I sit in her ugliness

Contemplating

Her truths

And her lies

I must cope with

My Darkness

Before I can...

return to my Light.

Copyright by Arlene L. Perez on April 2, 2024

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Anxiety

A thief in the night

Stealing my joy

Robbing my rest

Waking me from sleep

Anxiety

A well-oiled machine

Churning my brain

On constant repeat

Continuously spinning

Anxiety

[arlenepayingitforward]

My Gentle Giant

Dedicated to my son Jonathan with love

I watch him

As he lays here

In his hospital bed

Sound asleep

The rhythms

Of his chest

Rising and falling

Rising and falling

Rising and falling

A reassuring sight

A testiment to life

So vulnerable

Yet so strong

His strong hand

Reaches out to mine

Holding it softly

As he did

When he was yet

Still a small child

I caress his hand

As I hold it in mine

He begins to weep

At the terrors

His body has endured

At the realization

He's been given

A second chance

I hold him

My Gentle giant

My cuddle buddy

As he whimpers

Into my chest

I whisper,

"You are loved!

You are important!

You are ALIVE!"

Copyright by Arlene L. Perez on March 14, 2024

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My Gentle Giant

Dedicated to my son Jonathan with love

I watch him

As he lays here

In his hospital bed

Sound asleep

The rhythms

Of his chest

Rising and falling

Rising and falling

Rising and falling

A reassuring sight

A testiment to life

So vulnerable

Yet so strong

His strong hand

Reaches out to mine

Holding it softly

As he did

When he was yet

Still a small child

I caress his hand

As I hold it in mine

He begins to weep

At the terrors

His body has endured

At the realization

He's been given

A second chance

I hold him

My Gentle giant

My cuddle buddy

As he whimpers

Into my chest

I whisper,

"You are loved!

You are important!

You are ALIVE!"

Copyright by Arlene L. Perez on March 14, 2024

[arlenepayingitforward]

tender

nest me now soft into the day ease the morning light the fresh

opens my hands  palm up releases that which is not mine wasnt mine lets it go

sinks into that which i love and that which loves me

[arlenepayingitforward]

I wanted you to use your words on me

to let them slowly slip down my skin

to let them fall off of me

to let them puddle between my thighs

to let them caress me until my breath

was so barely able to breathe

to take me to the edges of time

I wanted you to use your words on me

and no, they didn’t have to be

as pretty as poetry

maybe I just wanted them to collide

with my mouth, hungrily

[arlenepayingitforward]

Liquid Courage

You're never as honest when sober

That liquid gold loosens your tongue and opens your mind

You wax poetry of my beauty and strength

Of how I am built of iron and diamond

Yet, without liquid courage, you rarely utter what I truly long for

Intimacy without touch

Words that cascade down my body straight to my core

The raw truth that you need and love me just as much as I love and need you

Honesty and a peek into your ever dark mind

Can you love me with your words even when you aren't drowning?

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My Favorite Flavor

Thirsty lips

Grow quenched

At the taste

Of you

My hungry soul

Feels full

On you...

My favorite flavor

Is you!

Copyright by Arlene L. Perez on February 6, 2025

[arlenepayingitforward]

sometimes

at night

i reach out

to touch you

but like the stars

you’re too far away…:

[arlenepayingitforward]

for

a brief moment

his words

seemed

different

like fresh

out of the oven

homemade buttered biscuits

though

once they had cooled

they became

stale

rancid

like some

moldy loaf of bread…:

it’s just

me and my

self conversations…:

[arlenepayingitforward]

All Things Comforting

The sweet smell of lilacs

Drifting in through my window

Echinacea and peppermint oil

Soaking in my bath water

Mint or cinnamon tea

Steeping steam in my face

Cold milk covering my tongue

Slipping down my throat

Chocolate candy

Covering the inside of my mouth

Ice cream and milkshakes

Melting down my throat.

The smiles and laughter

Of my grandchildren

Their excitement when they see me

Joy encapsulated in their being

Tiny arms hugging me

With little lips

Kissing mine and saying,

"Nanny, I love you!"

Playing pretend

In an enormous

World of wonder

And our own creation

Painting and coloring masterpieces

With small, tiny hands

Molding playdough

Into sculptures works of art

Singing, dancing, and clapping

Drumming, playing guitar,

Piano and maracas

Creating our own musical

Laughing and learning

Playing games and house

Mommy, daddy, baby, and family

Cooking dinner in our play kitchen.

Cars and tiny soldiers

Always on the go

Having tea parties and picnics

Building houses out of blocks

Blowing bubbles

While popping them

Building sand castles

Hide and seek

Being cuddled and heard

Connecting with my partner

His arms around me

his breath on the back of my neck

My adult children

Calling to say hello

Telling me about their day

Or asking for advice or help

Seeing them grown

As wonderful parents

Or partners with their loves

Or finding their happiness, their passions

Asking and making plans

To spend time with me

Playing games, making music

Hugging and kissing me.

My words on this page

Creating meaning

Teaching and writing

Bringing words to life

My weighted blanket

Holding my body

Candles and diffuser

Calming my thoughts

Reaching out

To my best friend

Her rooting for me

Taking my side

Watching the tide

Meet the shoreline

Hearing the waves

Crashing and roaring

Thunderstorms pouring

Lighting up the sky

Letting their voices be heard

And showering upon the earth

The sound of silence

My willow tree

Flowing majestically in the wind

All things comforting.

Copyright by Arlene L. Perez on May 29, 2021

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Gifts?

Gifts...

He showered me with gifts

After our first argument

Perfume (Beautiful and Anais Anais)

Luxurious Godiva chocolates

A new dress hand picked by him

Lilies of the valley

A golden James Avery butterfly necklace

Tokens of his love?

Tokens of his guilt

Tokens of his infidelity

He needed to shed off his guilt

Laying it at my ignorant feet

"Forgive 70 x 7"

He showered me with gifts

After he raped me for the first time

After our third child's birth

During my vaginisimus

A baby pink negligee

Luxurious Lindell chocolates

12 dozen of yellow roses

Beautiful bras

Lacy g-string panties

Tokens of his love?

Tokens of his power

Tokens of my violation

Last night..."You are just meat to me"

Today..."That was just foreplay"

"Forgive 70 x 7"

He showered me with gifts

After each rape

Perfumes

Jewelry

Fancy chocolates

Flowers upon flowers

More unwanted negligees

Dresses I dreaded wearing to church

Symbols of my shame

Tokens of his hate

Tokens of his misogyny

Tokens of control

Ripping into my body

Terrifying my soul

I wouldn't outlive 490 times of forgiveness

Already dead inside

A murdered soul

Yet the gifts kept coming

A constant reminder of my oppression

...Chains...

Copyrighted by Arlene L. Perez on September 2, 2022

[arlenepayingitforward]

Mixed Messages

You demand respect

Yet respect no one

You want deep connections

But never open up

You say, "Your feelings are valid"

Then dismiss them

You command the truth

Yet speak lies yourself

You act differently "irl"

Than on Social media

You create "boundaries" for yourself

But then, break mine.

You desire forgiveness

Without extending it

You expect our attendance

While disregarding your own

You require responses to your messages

Then, ignore ours in return

You need approval

Yet disapprove of everyone

You set high standards for all

Save yourself

You want unconditional love

While placing conditions on yours

You seek adoration

But send out humiliation

You preach "the Golden rule"

Then ignore it.

You say you want peace

But always start war.

Copyright by Arlene L. Perez on February 1, 2024

[arlenepayingitforward]

To January

I am four hours of sleep meets, uncounted cups of coffee meets, my fascination with the rain dripping from the roof I have finally given in to January with its thirty one small surrenders and its thousand shades of overcast bartered, from the sun

[arlenepayingitforward]

Imprisoned

We are all...

Products

Of our environment

Products

Of our DNA.

Nature vs nurture

No true winners

Or losers

Just playing

This game.

This game...

Called life.

Hoping

To come out

Alive.

Knowing

The finish line

Ends.

Ends at

our tombstone

We are NOT

Getting out

Of this

Alive.

We all...

End up

In the same place.

Running

Towards

the same mark.

Who?

Who set the mark?

Why?

Why do we

Run towards

A mark

Set by

Others?

We all...

Swim in a pool...

A pool of

Expectations

Set before us

Set for us

Even set

By us.

Are we all...

Drowning?

Drowning

In this

Pool of

Expectations?

Trapped?

Trapped and imprisoned.

Chained?

Chained by those

Those who came

Before us.

A whirlwind?

No....

More like...

A chain reaction

The domino effect

Knocking

Knocking others down

Who come

After us

A cascade effect

Of traumas

Of expectations

Of condemnation

How?

How can WE

Step outside

Outside of this

Chain of events?

How can we

Stop

The domino effect?

Copyright by Arlene L. Perez on February 2, 2024

[arlenepayingitforward]

love

i’ve searched

for it

i heard some say it’s more precious

than gold

i’ve turned stones end to end

watching as they fell over the ledge

deep depths

i’ve tried

to reach

tryin my best to hold my breath

love

there’s

some that say it’s precious

more precious than

gold

me

i’ve searched for it

kissing lips and turning stones

watching them as they tumble end over end

love

some say it’s

precious

more precious

than gold…:

[arlenepayingitforward]

soul dance

sometimes

music

lets me feel

something

something

that’s real

in me

i guess

it makes my soul dance…: