audible--silence

[audible--silence]

[audible--silence]

Words

When people say to me “what about your future?” I tell them thats exactly who im doing all this for

“All of the best things in my life have occurred when things in my life didn’t go to plan”

“Only thing that changed in eight years is haircuts and excuses”

I want everyone to ask and care but i dont want to talk about it either

Failed with flying colors

Home feels like lame familiarity

“You’ve gotta be my stability!”

“I cant cos im on a BAR STOOL”

The years are passing me by faster than I care to admit.

Turns out making good use of your 20s doesn’t do an awful lot to slow them down.

I’m living a life I thought I wanted and still I feel a divide between what I thought I wanted and how I thought I would feel. Maybe this isn’t all that I hoped it would be. Maybe im not alive enough to make it feel good enough. Maybe just prioritizing fun isnt gonna cut it. But definitely prioritizing stability wont.

Maybe we just don’t have enough years on this earth and space in our brains to feel like we can really live anything to completion.

All I know right now is that on this warm, still summers evening, with a beautiful light in the sky, on a night I should be thoroughly captivated by, i feel unamused and alone.

I’ve seen this before.

I’m stuck with myself in a place i know all too well and not a great many people left to meet

“I have one foot in the door and the other going in a direction i dont quite know yet”

“If you can read this, i hope you have health insurance”

Never have i ever been in a rush to go to sñeep before

19 year old w 5 years practice

I dont believe in being nice i believe in being kind

“Well, money where your mouth is? I liked you.”

“Yeah but I’ve changed since i said that”

Well where too from here

Still tiptoeing around and dancing away

Trying to see where we stand in each other’s lives

Am i all wrong?

Did i read too far into all the songs in the playlist?

Or all the stories we told each other?

All the memories we shared?

And all the fun we made.

How about all the time we spent on each other or all the thoughts spent?

All the dreams made and all the hopes held.

All that you said that i read into, cannot be a mistake. You’re too clever for that. Did you want me to say it? Were you waiting for it? Did you want it? You sure werent surprised by it.

God i hope i didnt ruin it.

Maybe youre right

Maybe finding your person is long term task

Maybe all those journal entries, nights drinking together and nights thinking of you were to hit a realization.

Maybe the realization is that i need therapy

Maybe its that we’re not compatible

Maybe we need more time.

Either way, i know im here for it

Way too much love for the woman who raosed me and her never ending kindness and innocence despite the shit she’s had to deal with. Somehow coupled with a complete lack pf jealousy.

Im quite sick of the world

Im not very fond of myself in it either

I think every minute of every day what am i doing here? Why am i here?

I dont feel comfortable in myself

I dont feel confident in myself

I dont like the state of the world when i observe it

I feel powerless to change it

I feel like a fool for never having tried

I tell myself all the things my dear sweet friends would tell me in this situation

I know that im giving myself too much grace

Im not a dipshit

But i made myself into one

And ill die that way. Whenever I get too sick of it

What a damn shame it is to know a good moments passed you.

To have only the half remembered memories because you didn’t realize at the time that this would be a moment you’d want to think about forever.

I’ve left little pieces of my heart across the globe. From Oaxaca to West Aus to New York to Ningaloo, traces of my soul can be found sprinkled in pockets around taco stands, strangers vans and gorgeous country under shining stars.

I can never get them back.

Nor do I want them.

But I fear ill never approach life in one place with the same zest and enthusiasm as I used to.

A wise man once said it’s important to know when you’re living in a moment you’ll want to remember. I think it’s important to know when you’re shaving a piece of your heart and leaving it somewhere with someone as well

I don’t tend to think of it as “learning about myself” anymore. I think after a few seasons worth of reinventing myself, it feels a little bit more like reinventing the next iteration of myself. A both tiring and exciting endeavor indeed.

“Do you miss NY”

“Mmmmm sometimes “

What a fkn lie. Every day, most hours, in truth

I dont feel like myself

The aussie accent

The blokey chat

The blending in

None of its me, really.

I need stress to stay awake despite wht its doing to me

Do i want to look at the city on my drive in and think “hell yeah” or”ahhhhhh fuck”

Either is an investment of time n energy and i have to pick

You can observe in many colonized countries today what i see in myself.

When you take away peoples connection to identity, language, customs and place, they will frequently stumble around somewhat aimlessly with a penchant for extra curriculars

“Its only racist if im not funny”

“Theres something to be said about a life well fucked around “

[audible--silence]

[audible--silence]

[audible--silence]

They’re probably racist but like at least u know

Its america dude

“You buy my ticket n ill go”

“You buy my uber n i’ll go”

The methods i use in my mind to make sense of the world get more and more complex and harder and harder to find people who relate to them

The decision not to care is a luxury afforded only to the fortunate and the fools.

Existence is a crime in that house

The wheels of society would move much slower if men like you were behind the wheel

“Man i think life will stop throwing you curveballs when you stop hitting them out of the park. Cos yaknow, evidence suggests you can fkn handle one”

“What are you drinking?”

“Water”

“Why is it yellow with a chilli salt rim?”

“He was the coolest motherfucker you ever met. Even in a wheelchair.”

“You idle at 100 in NY”

I will let sleeping dogs lie. But if the dog is awake and coming for me, you bet i will be swinging at it

Haha the only difference between god, magic and science is what you choose to believe in

Dunbassery n essex st stn

“People are delusional, and im kinda jealous”

Every day ends in y. Out here, most of them end with “why?”

New York is a city just big enough and just diverse enough to convince people it is the world. And to some, it is.

Ima bout to dragonball z this boy

“I like large parties. There isnt any privacy at small parties”

Just saw a kid duck the turnstiles to enter the subway and open the emergency exit gate for their mum. These two are goin places.

People are more alive here

When you gotta fight and hustle to survive, you dont wind up with a bunch of whining drones whinging of this and that, and feeling discontent. You end up with a hungry, eager mob. Keen to get out of the grind

“Let me know when you’re back and we’ll paint the town gin, vermouth and campari red”

“We have a fuckin dog in a backpack do ya think were jewish?”

I got a taste of it, but not enough to satiate the taste I got.

The flavor and character of this place have me wanting to dive in and devour and figure it out.

I love perth but theres no mood. No vibe when you walk outside.

Here, anything can happen, every day.

There, you have to try hard as hell to make anything happen at all

New yorkers take no shit, believe no bullshit and waste no time. The stereotype is they’re a bunch of cunts. I disagree. The picture i have of these people now is that they are a population of veterans. Lifes veterans.

Living in this city ages you a week where other people live a day. You get pretty sick of people taking their time to find their wallet in line when you’re trying to make your next dollar to pay rent. Time is valuable to these folks.

They simultaneously understand that the secret to survival and to not going insane is to be kind.

People open doors for each other, give money to buskers, pay the homeless, tip more, use manners, hold open doors, let people go first, hold up a train for a stranger, let someone else have the seat and all the rest.

They know this gets other’s through the days and they appreciate when others do it for them.

So what you end up with is a city of good cunts who take no shit.

My type of city.

The rich cunts though still got nothing better to talk about than sex and capitalism

“Listo para lucha?”

Peer pressures only a bad thing if you’re a weak willed idiot with bad friends

Well, aint one of us miserably broke optimistic pricks ever had the better half of a clue what was goin on with this circus of an existence so i guess we’ll all just keep getting out of bed and deciding to find and follow our old faithful ways of keeping it all together

To be human is to lack

I may be thinking about that song for a while. The sound an NYC train makes when grinding up against the tracks as it starts to move. The whistle that starts low then moves high then meets an equilibrium somewhere in the middle.

The deal sealed as the J train sped by me at Kosciuszco st stn and as i stared at it in a moment of reflection, realizing this may be one of the last times i ever see the sight, as it passes me, on the back, is a man. Holding on. Streched wide like a starfish, arms out holding on. Hangin in. Getting where he’s going.

And as i walk off the stairs and stand in front of the smoke shop, the little caesers, the taco truck, 99c store, deli and the gourmet grocer, i think back on how i felt when I first got off this train, with my bags on me and scared. Nervous about this new place, thoughts in my head of Mexico and my dry as wallet.

Turns out after nine months away, three of them here, im a little less forgiving, a little more direct and a lot more seasoned. Ready for whatever i put myself to next. I’m just not allowed to forget that I am responsible for what that will be and NO GOOD THING COMES WITHOUT EFFORT.

As the lil blue dot on the map finally approaches the city I’ve shown to so many people on the same map this year, I get a glimpse of yellow land. Dust and dirt and trees and blue blue skys.

The nose tilts down the gears come out.

Im home.

After nine months. Whether it feels like it or not.

Time to reshape home.

[audible--silence]

Nine months of new places

Nine months of something new

Nine months of adventure

Nine months of discovery

Nine months of uncertainty

Nine months of unpredictability

Nine months of uncomfortability

Nine months of intense overstimulation

Nine months of grounding myself

Nine months of fucking around

A lifetime of finding out

Nine months of meeting new people

Nine months of growth

Nine months of chaos

Nine months of feeling alone

Nine months of making instant connections

Nine months of likeminded people

Nine months of total difference

Nine months of not knowing what is going on

Nine months of not fitting in

Nine months of making myself at home anywhere

Nine months of observing

Nine months of learning

Nine months of culinary experiences every single day, three times a day

Nine months of drinking way too much

Nine months of normalizing it all

Nine months of wanting to go surfing

Nine months of “where are my headphones?”

Nine months of navigating public transport

Nine months of the kind of lifestyle they warn you not to partake in as a kid

Nine months of being on high alert

Nine months of wearing the same outfits

Nine months of carrying around a backpack

Nine months with holes in my socks

Nine months with the wrong shoes

Nine months of carrying a busted up camera in a tote bag

Nine months of questioning my decisions

Nine months of feeling irresponsible

Nine months of convincing myself i was doing whats best for me

Nine months of wishing everyone back home would do it too

Nine months of wishing i could see my friends again

Nine months of agonizingly awful connection on phone calls

Nine months of trying to explain it

Nine months of very few ever getting it

Nine months of watching my friends lives go by without me

Nine months of watching mine fly by in front of me

Nine months of being aware of my mortality

Nine months of pretending im invincible

Nine months of going first

Nine months of not thinking enough

Nine months of thinking too much

Nine months of questionable decisions

Nine months of stories made

Nine months of mayhem

Nine months well spent.

[audible--silence]

I found a quote in my phone that my Nan said to me while talking about relationships a few years ago.

“It takes a lot of work to settle down”

I thought it was a paradoxical little nugget of wisdom and wrote it down.

We were talking about relationships at the time and how it takes a constant effort to remain committed and stable and together however I thought it applied to life during covid.

Forced to stop.

Forced to stay still.

Forced to be with yourself.

When I read it back now, on the tail end of nearly a year away from home, it comes to me with a different meaning.

It is hard to settle down. To invest in your people and your community and to thrive in one place without life getting stale. Thats not everyones cup of tea.

Certainly this far, it’s not been mine.

But what I’m realizing this year is that its also hard to leave, and make new, fast, short term friends, to never sleep in the same bed for more than a week, to never feel truly comfortable somewhere.

Both are hard and I guess you choose your hard.

What I’m learning is that the choice of one only really benefits your experience when you inevitably decide to opt for the other

[audible--silence]

when the universe created cyrus todd, it said

“ok… put chaos on legs

and give him a camera”

[audible--silence]

Its exactly what you expect but it hits different when you see it first hand and live it.

Its a lot more vivid, obviously. Its just easy to forget that like, it’s real???

Then all of a sudden u catch the same train Jay Z got his name from every day and live where biggie smalls’ did and see the fkn Manhattan skyline every day and walk down streets and scenes you only ever see in the movies and music!

Theres buskers and performers and crackheads and street vendors and oversized food and immigrants and rich people and poor people and more

idk i fuck with it

But its fucked

—

It takes a certain amount of tenacity just to live here. Just to scrape by. To tolerate the people on top of people who somehow make up this monstrosity of a city

-

The New York Special: hustle, booze and existential crisis all wrapped up in a bagel and sold for too much money

[audible--silence]

Words

Its easy to understand how people lose their minds out here

the illusion of permanece is a seductive mistress

On humidity: it feels like the world is giving you s hug

Am i reading right the look in your eye?

A cautioning glimmer of uncertainty shadows your soul as i tell you a dream. How much to extract and how much to surrender.

Raised not to feel comfortable and furthermore, raised to try to make the other better rather than accept them for who they are

- On brothers

And while sitting here in a taco shop with a tarp for a roof and a menu in two languages, I realize how much i long for the way life was. Out of a backpack and with no fixed address.

Nobody expecting you and an army of people willing to help you.

The reality is, spotify probably knows me better than anything with a pulse. Which is damn sad considering all I crave is to be known by someone who cares. And as good as Spotify is at suggesting my favorite songs, it doesn’t quite cut it.

Clearly I crave connection. I want it enough to download an app I previously and still do despise. Yet I am too scared of commitment to do any damn thing to build it.

Im damn near sure that most of y’all are technically better photographers than me. The only thing ive got that gets me anywhere is instinct, nerve and a slight lack of fear of consequences.

All ive got is the ability to stare the bad idea in the face and run to it with a smile

Say yes to everything

Be ok with living uncomfortably and doing risky, stupid shit because in my experience, 90% of getting good photos happens before you even pull the camera out.

Have a chat. If you can, have a drink

For every travel buddy thats ever uttered an “oh fuck it” or yelled a “oh fuck yeah” with me.

“ur gonna be so good. bullshit is ur native language it’s better than your English

It takes so much to be cool here that once you fit in here you stand out everywhere else

It takes two to tango and we each have two left feet and a lot of bad timing

Its good to pause once in a while for an occasional reminder of whatever comes to mind

Exist at your own risk

Edgar Allen Poe taste

“Awh mannnnn i need a flower foh me muddah”

- Kid in a park

The napkin with my phone number scribbled down is burning a hole in my pocket.

Because its no supposed to be there. It should be in the bag of the beautiful girl in all black dressed to kill. Or in the trash. Or on the seat next to her on the subway. The one place it shouldn’t be, is in my pocket. Because that puts me up against an uncomfortable truth. A flaw of my own character that I always thought id have conquered by now. Im nervous as hell when it comes to talking to people I’m attracted to.

I simply dont know how to do it.

I can talk to anybody except those who I find cute

Im

[audible--silence]

[audible--silence]

Everyone I’ve ever dated or been with has been an outlier from my social scenes and friends groups because I know it will go sideways and end sour and I’m not down for the complication

[audible--silence]

“You order anything?”

“Shall I charge them again?”

[audible--silence]

I’ve always been been very good at adjusting to places and people. Not very much ever makes me feel super out of my depth or super invested because i know it will end and i know i will move on and i know i will be ok again.

This leaves me in a fear of never truly appreciating anything and never really feeling it all either. Certainly it helps to not feel the bad bit, but i feel like it’s taken some of the joy from the good bits too.

When you put your emotions into a box, you put all of them in, including the positive ones.

When you restrict what you feel, you put a lid on the good parts as well as the bad

[audible--silence]

Heard abroad…

Whatever the question, the market is the answer

“Too many white people not enough markets”

“I mean i still didn’t understand any of it but i understood it was nice”

Pedophile and a dead aunt. You love to see it!

I exist to do the dumb thing and subsequently encourage everyone else to also do the dumb thing

“At least it isn’t Kevin”

“Home is the place where you keep ending up and you don’t really know why”

“Home is where you keep going back to your abuser”

Death is good business but without the repeat customers

As long as you have enough to buy linch on your first day, you have enough to figure it out

“Fucking cyrus man…” on cocktails and cacao ceremonies

It feels like im looking at the relic of a golden age that doesn’t know its past its best before date

Lots of people breeds competition in both capitalism and creativity. Capitalism also breeds racism.

Nobody gives one fuck about you here which is both amazing and kinda isolating

Its like if every city ive ever been to merged into one and did a bunch of drugs

I have fewer ideas but i have a lot of resolution so when i want one to work i just throw everything at it till it does

luck favors those who need it/rely on it in good faith

I was busy being sad and shit so I wasn’t in the mood for a heart attack

How lucky we are, to know that as long as we have charge on our phone or an internet connection, we’ll never go without

Going nowhere the long way

“Fuck you”

“What?”

“I was talking to the aircon”

Calories dont work on Mondays

Chicken is made by man, duck is made by god

Thats why i pay the rent

The only case there is is a quesadilla

It’s strangely captivating.

A city of nine million perfect strangers and nine million deranged fucking maniacs.

Everyone fits in. Because theres no such thing as “too different” out here.

Milk that mfer for every lil drop of lactation in it’s scary asymmetrical titty

Everybody be skipping to the calm down phase of life without ever experiencing the youthful fuckaround stage

The lifeline on my hand seems to doing fine.

The other two, I cant quite remember what they’re supposed to mean. Something about happiness or love.

They’re looking a little worse for wear lately.

“Look Ill extend him an olive branch but only so i can whack him over the head with it”

“After all, the universe continues to surprise, bewilder, and enchant, irrespective of our inquiries. As the tale concludes, may it inspire a subtle nod toward the dance of untamed contemplations—a dance best performed with an enigmatic grin.”

Thinking is for Jerry's (2023) - Professor Longwang

I feel glad to have an end date but miserable to end it

Scared of old reality but excited to confirm or deny it

Confused about my choices here and whether my feelings were made from genuine feelings

“How was the quality of your call?” Asks the messenger app.

To which I cannot reply.

Because to reply honestly would not do justice to the quality of the app, and instead be a comment on my experience of it.

The feeling in my gut when she said she met someone.

The thoughts back to all the times where I wanted to tell you i was yours.

All at once.

With a vengeance

Stabbing in the chest

What am i doing here

Accidentally drunk off a Manhattan i didnt want and a quarter pint of Guinness

In New York

In the rain

Trying desperately to find a job

In a field im hardly good at

It seems to me that it boils down.

When you look at the root of it all

What do you want

What do i want

How you utilize the two to make a life that brings you joy

Kill me, im french

Traveling is honestly comparable to hard drugs at this point: intense, euphoric, lands you in sketchy circumstances and often leads to living in very questionable scenarios. It also has a tendency to leave you broke as fuck and wondering where the last six months went

It do be a lil comedic,

A city of 12 million mother fuckers buzzing around packed in like a hive, and I’ve hardly made a friend.

[audible--silence]

[audible--silence]

5.8.23

From a point of loneliness, insecurity and uncertainty.