autistichalsin

[autistichalsin]

Important takeaways from Dave's livestream signing chat yesterday:

- Dave, as always, is a massive sweetheart

- everyone wants Dave to come to DragonCon (afterparty at my place, bear hugs for everyone ❤️)

-we're all married now, Dribbles officiated it so it's official

- "Nature really outdid itself with ducks, my heart"

- Halsin's cat wildshape should probably be a Norwegian forest cat or a Maine Coone

- hug pile in the chat

I love this fandom, especially my fellow halsin enjoyers ❤️

[autistichalsin]

So a few things here:

I am going to address this in my fic too funnily enough!

It is very unfortunate that before patch 5, that was just where everything ended, isn't it?

"I do, trust me" and "don't be an ass, Halsin, I'll come with you right now" get you the "went to Reithwin with Halsin" ending if solo-romanced, or the "exactly the same as the platonic reunion but with the option to kiss him as well" ending if polymanced. "I'm a busy man/woman/adventurer" gets you the same polymanced ending, as does going with Lae'zel or Karlach, and of course breaking up with him removes him as a romantic partner.

I think it's a little more than his abandonment issues/wanting to reject you first; he also GENUINELY doesn't think you would even want to come with him. Remember, when solomanced, six months later at the epilogue, he STILL can't believe you chose him over everyone else. "You could have done anything, gone with anyone... yet you chose me." To him, the idea that you wouldn't want to join him on his journey, that you'd want to go literally anywhere else before joining him, is as natural an assumption that you'd be eating dinner later. It's all but guaranteed, calm and matter of fact. He's not just pushing you away so you can't push him away first- he thinks he's acting on a perfectly logical assumption. Hence his shock when you tell him you're coming, and him listing all the ways you'll be celebrated in the city before asking, with a wavering voice, "are you... truly sure?" He can't believe you would actually want to be with him instead of being celebrated.

the purpose of this post is for me to figure some stuff out so i'm open to feedback and discussion

disclaimer: i love Halsin, he's my precious bear man

but damn i am pissed

i started to really dig into the epilogue, specifically that last morning after the brain goodbye scene in the room at the inn where he says he has nine wagons of kids and he will aid the people in Thaniel's realm

sadly i can't find any footage of what he says when Tav goes "oh a community built with your own hands, i'd love to see that" (or something to that extent) bc i think that is the one option that nullifies the goodbye and i think? he just asks if Tav is sure and then happy end bells

but even so

the interaction practically starts with "why does this sound like you're saying goodbye?" - oh that's because he is. at least for now. but Tav can visit, he's very eager for them to visit - and then narrator is like a tenday later Tav went to the commune and then the party invite stuff, not important

and I'm like....

it just hit me how - yes, Halsin has abandonment issues and he wants to help those orphans and all the homeless refugees and all the great stuff but like…… HOW DARE YOU DECIDE FOR ME THAT I DON'T WANNA GO WITH YOU????

watching that on a loop three times seriously hit me hard and i don't like it (as in me, personally, not in the sense that it's bad writing or it makes no sense for him to do that, maybe it does - if somebody can help me wrap my head around that, I would be super grateful bc atm I'm stuck in my own emotional reaction to Halsin making decisions for me)

in my head Tav's response to that should be: fuck you, i don't want to visit - fuck that! i wanna go with you and move in with you bc I love you but i guess you don't really want that huh? oh you do? then I guess we are at an impasse, huh?

bottom line is - what do I want to do with it in my fic?

i could ignore it bc i kinda wanna, i don't want them fighting like that

on the other hand it would be great to have this devolve into a conflict, bc i already sprinkled a few tiny bits of them saying not the best things but then the other kinda steps past it or around it and they are fine, but it would add some realism for them to have a serious disagreement about their (joint) future and about communicating and making decisions and could be something to be revisited as a work in progress for them to grow into as their relationship keeps going

i don't mind exploring difficult shit in my fics, i already decided to commit and give Tav my trauma and it was very cathartic just drafting that bit, and this turning into a conflict could play into that I suppose, could work really well

I guess my problem is the dissonance between Halsin doing that unintentionally bc of his own issues and him generally being very considerate and respectful of others, especially Tav imo, he was perfectly happy to follow their decisions as a leader but now I guess they are no longer the leader and this is his thing, his commune, his new purpose in life and ofc he could never be selfishly happy when he could be doing good things for strangers but like.... i can't grasp that step how from that he goes into "therefore I shall not offer this as a choice for them but instead make that a foregone conclusion that this is goodbye, at least for now" - is it bc asking means risk of rejection and he'd rather reject himself to spare them both the interaction?

sorry this got rambly XD but anyway - thoughts?

[autistichalsin]

None of my classmates can find my professor's instructions for our final presentation to accompany our report.... maybe she'll respond to my classmate's email by giving us a one or two day extension? I would still try to get it done ASAP but man that breathing room would be nice

[autistichalsin]

Just the conclusion section and executive summary left for this report, then the accompanying Powerpoint, then an audio recording of me reading a different Powerpoint for a group project, then a reflection paper, then a literature review, and then I am done.....

....wooo.....

[autistichalsin]

Would I be dumb if I used my airline miles I have saved to buy a ticket to go visit my folks? I know I was just there but I really want to hug my dad right now.

[autistichalsin]

My dad had to be hospitalized because of a reaction to a new medication.

He's going to be okay, he should be released in the morning or afternoon, but I'm really shaken up. I was too far away to be able to do anything and it scared me.

I might not post much while I process this.

[autistichalsin]

I was playing with the camera and Halsin made this face and I fucking lost it 🤣

#my silly bear man

[autistichalsin]

'forge Fridays;

Halsin at the grymforge 5/?

[autistichalsin]

And it's such a real aspect of PTSD too; that feeling that happiness/calm just AREN'T going to last. If anything, they're even scarier than chaos. You know how to live in chaos and you know exactly what's happening, but how do you deal with calm? How do you deal with the knowledge that at any moment it's going to be taken away from you?

"I almost fear something must go wrong."

Because for him, it always has. He loses his family, then finds the Grove, only to lose most of them to the Shadow Curse. He finds a chance to solve it in Aradin, then gets locked up by goblins and nearly loses the Grove for it- and he DOES lose them in the sense that most of his Druids get radicalized against him. He breaks the Shadow Curse for real, only to learn the elder brain has evolved into a netherbrain (and possibly gets kidnapped by Orin too for good measure). He finally is able to feel romantic feelings again after 100 years of loneliness in the Shadow Curse, only to nearly ruin it by wildshaping uncontrollably. Every time something could go wrong for him, something HAS gone wrong.

Navigating chaos is easy. It's survival. It's almost instinctive. But navigating a calm, mundane life? That's thinking. That's living. How do you DO that when you're used to just survival?

Halsin has to figure that one out himself, and though having his commune and partner there helps a lot... it's still a terrifying thing to work through. He can, and will... but it sure is scary to do it.

One aspect of Halsin's epilogue dialogue with a solomanced player that sticks out to me is Halsin saying that he fears coming will turn out to be a mistake, before explaining that he took the player from a life of high adventure to one that can be described as anything but. And then after being reassured, he says that he still expects to stir from the dream, or that part of him fears something MUST go wrong, depending on the option the player chooses.

Meaning... he had thought about this before and had wondered if it as a good idea, and had concluded that it possibly wouldn't. That going would quite possibly- maybe even probably- make the player realize they weren't happy with him anymore, leave him, and return to their life of high adventure. That he'd "stir from the dream" and be alone once more, because surely no one would actually continue to choose him? Surely he's too happy, surely something in his life must go wrong eventually?

He literally fears that going to the party could result in the player leaving him, and he still does it anyway not only because he loved and missed their traveling companions that much, but because he knows if that is what the player chooses, he'll have to respect it, even if it will utterly gut him in the process.

"You could have done anything. Gone with anyone. Yet you chose me."

And in that is an unspoken question- why? Did you really mean it?

And then... the player reassures him. They promise him they're happy. That they never looked back, that they chose him for a reason.

And maybe he's still afraid of stirring from the dream, but he at least knows it's going to last a bit longer.

[autistichalsin]

One aspect of Halsin's epilogue dialogue with a solomanced player that sticks out to me is Halsin saying that he fears coming will turn out to be a mistake, before explaining that he took the player from a life of high adventure to one that can be described as anything but. And then after being reassured, he says that he still expects to stir from the dream, or that part of him fears something MUST go wrong, depending on the option the player chooses.

Meaning... he had thought about this before and had wondered if it as a good idea, and had concluded that it possibly wouldn't. That going would quite possibly- maybe even probably- make the player realize they weren't happy with him anymore, leave him, and return to their life of high adventure. That he'd "stir from the dream" and be alone once more, because surely no one would actually continue to choose him? Surely he's too happy, surely something in his life must go wrong eventually?

He literally fears that going to the party could result in the player leaving him, and he still does it anyway not only because he loved and missed their traveling companions that much, but because he knows if that is what the player chooses, he'll have to respect it, even if it will utterly gut him in the process.

"You could have done anything. Gone with anyone. Yet you chose me."

And in that is an unspoken question- why? Did you really mean it?

And then... the player reassures him. They promise him they're happy. That they never looked back, that they chose him for a reason.

And maybe he's still afraid of stirring from the dream, but he at least knows it's going to last a bit longer.

#halsin #halsin silverbough #bg3 #baldur's gate 3

[autistichalsin]

I chose you for a reason, and have never looked back.

(read this post for my thoughts on this dialogue)

[autistichalsin]

Halsin Silverbough

Oak father, he's so fiiiiine! Love his hazel eyes!

My PS5 screenshot with ps edits.

[autistichalsin]

Okay I gotta say, one of the things that bemuses me most is when people complain about act 3 Halsin, "he just eats my food and doesn't contribute anything!" (This is especially common on Reddit)

That is literally your fault, my guy!

If you don't put him in your party! He cannot! As a matter of fact! Help you! If you put him in your party, he would be helping you!

You can't exactly tell someone "I am handling all the cooking" and then yell at them for not ever cooking for you, ya know? What else is the man supposed to DO??

[autistichalsin]

[autistichalsin]

BALDUR'S GATE 3 (2023) — developed by larian studios.

[autistichalsin]

Zionism and Semitism are not, never have and never will be, synonymous

[autistichalsin]

Why can't I get paid to write Halsin meta instead of writing bullshit papers all day HUH