autumnlivesagain

[autumnlivesagain]

this is a blog dedicated to healing, raging, and feeling. i will be posting some journal entries i’ve written, as well as the writings of others that speak to me. this is my story. my trauma. my day-to-day moments of suffering and joy. read at your own risk.

[autumnlivesagain]

[autumnlivesagain]

the trigger warnings in my bio apply:

on january 10th, 2022 around 5 am i was sexually assaulted by jose olalde. i was drunk and asleep. when i awoke, i was confused and didn’t understand what was happening to me. and then i did and it hit me like a fucking train. i’ll never be able to recover from the feeling of dread that hit me when i realized that someone i trusted was trying to have sex with me while i was unconscious. nothing can prepare you for it. there’s no real handbook about how to get away, or how to stop him. when the shock wore off, i panicked and tore his disgusting hands off of me and pulled my clothes back on and ran to the bathroom and locked myself inside. i was in the bathroom for about 5 hours, unable to sleep or do anything besides stare at the wall and convince myself that it didn’t really happen. that it was just a bad dream, that he wouldn’t do that. he wouldn’t risk his friend group like that, and on our friends’ couch no less, literally surrounded by our other friends who were also asleep in that living room. but he did, he even slid my phone under the door with a message on it apologizing for “making me uncomfortable.” if only. he didn’t just make me uncomfortable, he fucking traumatized me. for life. no take-backs, no jinxes, can’t knock this one off of wood. i’m fucked. i waited until late morning, when someone i trusted was able to get me out of there and into my car without having to see him.

the day after, i told all of our mutual friends about what happened and most of them believed me. a select few just believed me to my face and decided that since he didn’t molest them, he was still cool. in the following days (well, month really) i did everything in my power to not think about it and pretend i was strong. i drank and drank until it wasn’t in the front my mind, i barely ate but less than usual, and gave other men my body to try to get over it. i wanted their hands on me so maybe i wouldn’t feel his all the time. as you can probably imagine, it didn’t work. a week after what he did to me, i ended up at the same place where it happened and finally broke down and had a panic attack. which just led to me getting really drunk again.

in the first month of 2022 i was so traumatized that i couldn’t do anything but party until he wasn’t on my mind. i took a mental health sabbatical from my job, then lost it bc i was so busy going out that i didn’t go back. because i lost my job, and spent all of my money on drinking, as well as driving to san marcos to drink there, i was late on my car and insurance payments and my car was repossessed. and i couldn’t get it back. so now my credit is absolutely fucked, and it is my greatest shame. at this point, i didn’t want to be around anymore. i hit rock bottom. and i couldn’t even blame him. i blamed myself. i minimized what he did and told myself it was my fault that i couldn’t just move on and take care of myself. i catch myself still doing it sometimes.

this isn’t just something that goes away after a couple months. i’ve had more panic attacks since then, i’ve struggled with intimacy with my boyfriend (who i couldn’t even let cuddle me for the first couple of months of our relationship), i’ve frozen when i thought i’d seen him on the street, and i’ve had other micro freak outs for much less. after i burned out of drinking everyday i just became this homebody (that i still kind of am but i’m trying to get better), too anxious to leave my house. since not drinking every night, i started having night terrors again. and i still do. and sometimes they’re about him or a variation of the sexual trauma he put me through. i don’t trust any man besides my close friends and my boyfriend anymore. and i have trust issues in my friendships, due to the “friends” i lost. i can’t even go to san marcos. i know he goes out there because his friends live there, they allow him to feel safe showing his face and even victimize him because he’s a piece of shit and lost some good friends while being so.

i wrote this because i’m tired of his ability to be comfortable while i’ve been distraught. i’m tired of him being able to live his life while i am still stuck trying to pick up the pieces. i’m tired of taking it day by day and not only having to recover from this but the alcohol abuse that came from it as well as the eating disorder i’ve had for 2 years. i’m so fucking tired of men getting away with this shit. so, austin and san marcos residents beware of jose olalde.

this has easily been the worst period of my life and i’m just now able to take baby steps to get my life back on track. i’m not going to let what he did to me bring me down anymore. i’m going to write more and love more and make plans and live without this shadow of shame and grief following my every step. i’m not going to mourn who i was, i’m going to cherish who i am and hope for who i can be.

that being said, i’m not going to forgive you jose. ever. what you did to me was unforgivable. i wish nothing but the worst onto you. you fucking ruined my life. i hope yours is ruined too.