avannadelulu

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i can’t believe not one but two characters said “i know what you are” to ronan in the dream thieves and somehow neither of them were referring to his homosexual tendencies

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I think my favorite part of TSC is that we get the counterpoint of Jeremy's POV.

Not only because it's funny (it is) or because I love Jeremy (I do), but because it drives home the themes of AFTG in a way that Neil or even Jean's POVs cannot.

With Neil, we get the upperclassmen, but for the most part everyone he interacts with is so steeped in the mafia plot and the ravens, but also just so much abuse that we as the readers get kind of stewed into seeing things from Neil's perspective. It's why we have to remember that Neil is an unreliable narrator. (It's not a bug, it's a feature btw; I love Neil's batshit view of the world)

But with Jeremy, it gets thrown into stark relief that it does not have to be like this.The Trojans practice, and they go home. Exy is not a metaphor to them, or a lifeline, or an obligation; it is an activity. They have lives. They have friends outside of Exy, something Neil does not have.

So, I watch a lot of college gymnastics. I love the sport, but (like all sports), there is the looming specter of abuse. Every year, it seems like another coach is discovered to have abused their athletes. Weight tracking, emotional abuse, physical abuse and intimidation. Its something you weigh when you're a college sports fan, knowing on some level that this thing you enjoy on some level enables this. 

And it makes me think of the line in TSC:

“What we don’t understand is how a grown-ass man took a bunch of kids and turned them into monsters for sport.”

Because this is what Neil's POV can't give us. Neil, and Kevin and Jean, the stakes are higher because of the mafia plot, it's true. But SO MANY OTHER ravens were just normal kids who got destroyed so some adults could make money and have a little bit of glory. 

And, to be clear, this isn't a place to be like “and this is why I don't watch sports” because it's EVERYWHERE. In music, TV, school theater and choir- anywhere there is a power dynamic, there is the potential for abuse. 

And by providing the counterpoint from the Trojans, it becomes even more apparent how unnecessary it all is.

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Jean Moreau

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Promises

The King’s Men // The Sunshine Court

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jeremy's sister blaming him for destroying their family vs. jean telling him "in no universe could you be anyone's villain"... i am unwell

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thinking about Neil going across the country on his own and the foxes saying PLEASE be good behave yourself do NOT be a shithead and he says “okay❤️🫶” but immediately does murder for hire within an hour of arriving in California

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all tsc neil knows is show up, orchestrate murder, be sexy, wear orange, and lie

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jean: traumatised, in denial, trying to get through each day, terrified of his future-

jeremy: this is my cardboard dog barkbark von barkenstein

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Important rules/tips I've learned as an adult that helped with anxiety

If people are mad at you, it's their responsibility to tell you, not your responsibility to guess

If they're mad at you in secret anyways, they're the ones in the wrong, not you

If people don't like what you're doing, it's their responsibility to tell you

If they say it's fine when it's really not, they're the ones in the wrong, not you

People are allowed to be wrong about you

If they are wrong about you, wait for them to bring it up, because if you try to, you will inevitably overcorrect

Some people are committed to misunderstanding you. You will not win arguments against them. Yes, even if you explain your point of view. They do not care. Drop it

The worst thing that will happen from a first-time offense is being told not to do it again. Maybe with a replacement if you broke something

You can improve relationships and gauge willingness to talk to you by giving compliments. It's like a daily log-in bonus and nobody thinks twice about it

Most things are better after you sleep on them

Most things are better after you have a meal

Most things are better after you shower

Your brain makes up consequences that are irrational. If the worst DOES come to pass and someone acts like they do in your head, they are overreacting, and you are entitled to say "what the fuck"

If your chest hurts after you feel like you've made a social error, that's called rejection-sensitive dysphoria. It means your anxiety is so bad that it's causing you physical pain, which is a good indicator that you're overreacting. Tense yourself, hold it for 20 seconds, let it go, then find a distraction

If you're suddenly angry at someone after you feel like you made a social error, that's also rejection-sensitive dysphoria. You are going to feel annoyed about it for awhile, but being genuinely pissed off is your anxiety trying to find something to blame to take the responsibility off your shoulders, and getting scared because it can't justify itself. Deep breaths, ask yourself how much you ACTUALLY want to be angry at that person, then find a distraction

"Sour grapes" is more healthy for you than stewing. Deciding you don't like someone who's perpetually annoyed with you, won't talk to you, etc. makes letting go of anxiety over them easier

If people don't like you, they will find reasons to be annoyed with you when they otherwise wouldn't. If people do like you, they will find reasons NOT to be annoyed with you when they otherwise would. People do not ping-pong between the two

You DO have to make a conscious choice not to think about something. If you're having trouble circling back to it, say out loud that you're done thinking about it and why. Then find a distraction

When you're upset, part of you is going to want to make false bids for attention (suddenly texting differently, heavy sighs, etc. but when someone asks you about it, you tell them it's nothing). Do not listen to it. You gain nothing from it except more misery

People like to help people they care about. It makes them feel good about themselves

If you think you're insufferable for needing help, see above. Yes, really. They get a serotonin kick from it

If you think you're insufferable for mannerisms you have, you either have to consciously choose not to do them, or accept that they're part of the package that comes with you. Being apologetic about existing does nothing except make you more miserable

If you do things you don't like when you feel meh about it, it makes it easier to do them when you hate it

If you avoid things you don't like when you feel meh about it, it reinforces and magnifies how bad it feels when you hate it

Seriously. Read those last two points again. If you can make yourself make a phone call when you've got nothing to lose, you will slowly lose that panic you get when you have to make a phone call you haven't prepared for. You do have to CONSCIOUSLY take that step

Hobbies that make you care for something get rid of that nagging feeling that you're not doing enough. Go grow some rosemary

If you don't engage with your hobbies regularly, you will feel miserable, and anxiety will spike

Hobbies are things that give you a bit of happiness. They do not have to be organized or named to do that. Go be creative in something. Play with coins. Make up lists. Start a new WIP

No one cares what you look like

If people point out things they don't like about how you look unprompted, they are being rude. You are entitled to say "what the fuck"

People who like you will find you pretty to some degree. Minor things about your appearance go completely unnoticed. Literally, scars and dots and blemishes do not register to someone who likes your company

You looking at yourself in the mirror is 10x more closely than anyone is going to look at you

If you're anxious about your body type, and you're creatively inclined, make/write an oc with that same shape. Give them nice things and make other characters love them. Put them on adventures. You'll start to see yourself in the mirror more kindly

You care about wording and perfect lines/colors way more than anyone who views your work ever will

Sometimes when you're upset, you're going to feel like not eating. Do not do that. Not eating makes you more miserable

Same with things you normally enjoy. Denying yourself helps no one. You are punishing yourself for being sad. Stop it

Both of these will take conscious decision to break the habit of. Make yourself do it anyways, and it will slowly get easier

And again, to reiterate: If someone is mad at you, it is THEIR responsibility to tell you, not your responsibility to guess

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The many faces of Neil Josten

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what do i do with this app omg

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I love the idea of everyone living and going back to high school with their new Scary Dog privileges in the form of Billy coming back with them.

Billy whose funeral half the women of Hawkins attended a year ago that now doesn’t speak to any of them. Billy who no longer has his loud Camaro but instead is dropped off and picked up everyday with his sister Max and Robin Buckley by Steve Harrington of all people.

Billy who gets into a bloody fistfight with Jason after Jason goes after Eddie for “stealing” Chrissy from him. It’s Eddie who pulls Billy off Jason even with his own busted lip from Jason’s first swing. But it’s Chrissy who stands over Jason and tells him if he tries that again they won’t stop Billy next time.

None of Lucas’s old basketball friends will go anywhere near him even though in their eyes he betrayed them for Eddie because they all know Lucas started dating Billy’s little sister again and they’re not sure if they’re more afraid of Billy coming to Lucas’s defense or Max. Lucas still plays though just to spite them all because the town now considers him a hero to the team. But the players don’t do anything because every game you can see all of Lucas’s friends plus Steve and Billy sitting next to the Sinclairs while Erica simultaneously rips apart every one of Lucas’s moves while cheering him on louder than anyone else does.

Someone trips Dustin in the hallway and somehow they end up on their ass on the tiled floor watching a blond mullet walk away while Dustin giggles and runs after him.

They find out he’s a much better tutor than Nancy or Robin despite those two being the smartest in the group and now he’s solely responsible for ensuring Eddie’s graduation and pulling up Eleven’s failing math scores.

Billy whose created his own game of flipping off Jonathan anytime he sees him just for fun but who is the only person who is able to talk to Will about his love life in a way that has Will actually feeling hopeful about what his future could hold.

Billy who “hates” everyone, who doesn’t want to listen to Dustin and Robin’s long winded conversations, who makes fun of both the Wheeler’s like it’s the last thing he’ll ever do, who gives Eddie shit about his musical taste and hits on Chrissy like he’s planning to swipe her out from under Eddie’s nose despite all of them knowing Billy’s spent more nights at Steve’s house since he got back than Max’s. But a Billy who doesn’t go anywhere. He can only give them that much shit because he sits with them at lunch, studies with them after school, and supervises El’s trips out of the house.

Just Billy whose presence alone protects all of them but who also subtly goes out of his way to keep all of them happy and healthy. He complains while the girls braid his hair, and calls everyone nerds while still sitting down with the D&D character created for him to play a game he doesn’t understand.

They know he’s not all bark and no bite, his bites are ruthless and brutal, and never aimed at them. Scary Dog privileges for all 😌

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Some very real Harringrove moments

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was skimming through sadie’s yahoo interview to get to the billy parts and she says sth along the lines of ‘billy was the greatest source of pain in max’s life’ and instinctively i was like. how about her abusive stepfather lol. but, like, that’s the thing? billy spent the entire time he knew max placing himself as a shield between her and the man he knew his father to be, so that max would never have to find out for herself.

billy’s last and only source of affection can be traced back to his mother, who, if we accept canon, left him alone with an irascible and violence-prone father at a very early age, so it’s not inconceivable to presume that billy’s idea of affection is, not an active display of tenderness, but the absence of violence. his love language is protecting the people he loves from what he knows is worse using the only method he’s familiar with, namely a watered-down version of neil’s abuse. billy uses intimidation and the threat of violence, hoping those’ll scare max into behaving in a way that doesn’t make her a target in neil’s eyes.

in a way, this is paralleled in billy’s ‘you were moving your feet. plant them next time’ at steve, which, taken into the context of the basketball scene, feels excessive, but. it’s actually a pretty solid piece of advice? billy shoves steve to the ground and then, instead of helping him up once, provides him with the tip he’ll need to never get beaten again. it’s billy’s way of saying ‘life is hard, and i’m here to prove it to you now so you’re not forced to realize it later.’ it’s his way of taking back some of the control he’s never had by teaching the people he cares about what he’s known from a very young age, and making them earn the lessons he’s had violently seared into him.

in max’s eyes, and in steve’s, billy’s behavior obviously translates to cruelty, because neither of them are as desensitized to violence the way billy’s been conditioned to. they don’t understand why they need to be exposed to it in the first place, and it’s natural to view billy as the primary source of it, when, in reality, billy’s trying, in his warped way, to shield them from a marginally worse display of cruelty.

billy’s willing to be the bad guy, both because he doesn’t know any other way of professing his affection for the people important to him, and because he knows, all too well, that, if he doesn’t teach them the lessons he’s been taught his whole life now, in his own mitigated terms, someone else, heartless and merciless, will do it later.

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I have a very specific image in my head of what Simon and Baz’s dorm looks like and it’s not logical but it’s also not changing

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dream: NOOO… my dog died :(

george, laughing: dream, i died

dream:

#bbbbbefsfhgfj

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karl and sapnap are being clingy on main

#bye i love them