azucardemiel

[azucardemiel]

Repeated sexual abusers know exactly what they are doing when they demand “evidence” as if three separate women accusing the same man of the same type of behavior isn’t a kind of evidence in itself. They know that they are demanding the impossible– a woman who genuinely believes that a man has invited her to his home to speak as two peers will not record the conversation, and when she’s shocked by someone she holds in professional regard, who has more power over her, behaving like an ass she won’t complain for fear of retaliation. Something like that puts a woman in a weak position– especially in a profession that is already so biased against women. What I’m shocked by is this stupid reporting by NPR (and that’s saying something, as I have low expectations from the network in general.)

Just think about this for a second and see how gendered it is– would Tyson had said something like, “If I hug you I’ll just want more,” to a freaking male peer? This is admission of sexual harassment on Tyson’s part (in his statement he says that he did tell his assistant this) but NPR is writing about it as if that’s a normal thing for a man to say to someone he works with. Would Tyson invite a male peer up to wine and cheese? Would Tyson move the clothing (which, again, is something Tyson says he doesn’t remember the incident but admits it is something he would have done) of a male peer or fan “just to see a tattoo”?

The fact that the most serious accusation– that of an Ethiopian woman who says Tyson drugged and raped her back in graduate school is appended to the bottom of the reporting without any further investigation (despite her having made these claims in 2014, way before she could be accused of “#metoo witchhunting” or whatever terms the media uses to discredit women who come forward) and that the reporting says nothing about Tyson’s attempts to discredit her by accusing her of having “false memories implanted” and by attacking her spiritual beliefs says a lot about the biases of who is writing this. 

I kind of want to just outline the absurdity of his entire argument, which begins with a false statement– “Men accused of sexual impropiety in today’s metoo movement are presumed to be guilty.” This is absolutely false– every single man who was accused has been taken down by a preponderance of evidence indicating that he had behaved boorishly at best. It’s false, but truth isn’t the point– the point is to begin by making the audience feel sympathy by appearing to point out an unfair bias. (And anyway, what is “guilt”? With perhaps the exception of Bill Cosby and Weinstein, every other man who was accused of harassment and assault has, not even a year after the accusations, go one to stage “come backs.” What does guilt mean if there is no real punishment meted out against these offenses?)

Anyway, so we have a man admitting that he’d said inappropriate things and that he would have done inappropriate things to women, but because he’s a racist network’s token Black brainiac– A Good Black!– accusations against him (which, again, he’s already said he did or would probably do!) are dismissed or downgraded to eccentricity. Great.

[azucardemiel]

December 3, 2018

Okay so then the dream i had last night was...LOL.

So i’ve been thinking a lot about that high school reunion and the people n ish. In particular about Diego and Shamaal so they, of course, were featured in my dream.

I was working at p&p but like not exactly in the same building/rules. But during my break i was going out with Diego to a restaurant that he knew or something (now that i think about it reminded me of the vibe from Christmas with a View). Anyways we were having lunch or something and were seated towards the back at a single long table (gave me some Mason library vibes) and i had to go so i was like i can order one thing and then go. 

There were people sitting in front of us but they were on like couches so just chilling. But i knew that D wanted to do some ish so i was just like ughhhh plz dont pay attention to us. He went straight for the boobs and was like caressing my n*ps and looked surprised (like they all do) at the lil present there but obvs was into it. But then at somepoint he gets up and someone has to continue (??) and Samantha comes and is then playing with them and is also surprised and im like lol yeahhhh. 

Then we leave, and i see Sh and Ashad also eating there and im pretty sure they at least saw me leaving with D, who was suddenly talking about how Colin was drunk and he promised his mom that he would get him home safely so he leaves. 

But then i go to family meal at work and Sh like sneaks in (he seems to know someone else there) with a to go container and i wanna tell him he’s not allowed but like mehhh and someone gives him a glare and he’s just like I dont care im here for food to go. 

And yeah around there is when i woke up/all i remember

#Sam is pretty but id rather not with her #obvs i needa jock off #but really damn D over Sh

[azucardemiel]

Dreamssss

Oh yeah before i forget, Tuesday night was the weirdest by far. So every now and then I get scared of, I guess supernatural ~things~ following me around. Or not even following really, more that I see them. 

So all last week (it’s 12/3 now so do the math) I’d been like seeing things outta the corner of my eye right. Usually as I’m driving, catch a weird shadow or something. As i was walking to my car Monday night I swear it looked like someone was in my car (through the rearview mirror as i was walking behind it) but i always calm myself down bc its stupid, like I checked my car and obvs nothing. 

So then Tuesday night I go to work, am tired and ready to go to bed. But something just isnt...right. So I as Im trying to fall asleep I cant quite get comfortable and keep tossing. But then as Im finally feeling myself drift, my body completely paralyzes and I cant move. I think its bc i was so close to falling asleep my body couldnt quite keep up with my brain wanting it to move (??) but it felt like I HAD to move or this presence would win and i couldnt let that happen. So it happened like 2 more times where i was about to fall asleep, but my body hurt and was frozen (really my neck area) and I made myself wake up.

That feeling of being scared while awake isnt new. It happens every now and then (I should keep track of when to see if i can find a pattern). Like in my old room i used to hate the closet every now and then bc it felt...sinister. I’d sleep with my dog in the room with me bc that’s how i felt safe. But what is new is the sleeping thing. I didn’t see any sort of creature or monster, it was more of just the feeling that I wasnt safe going to sleep at that time. 

[azucardemiel]

This post is directly about Deena lmmaoooo. So when we were friends she  made it seem like she and Danny were super close and that she was almost bffs with Eddie. Yet i ran into eddie at a party thing and Danny got brought up and i mentioned that yeah he’s cool but that I had a falling out with her so didnt wanna put him in an awkward position. To which Eddie (who truly is bffs with Danny) was like “mehh they’re not that great of friends” and i asked if he still talked to her and he was like not since hs. 

Which was, again, intersting bc whenever they came up she always made it seem like they were all super tight, 

Interesting when people make it seem like they’re bffs with someone and then you actually talk to said people and they seem confused. I wonder where that disconnect occurs. Did one person truly believe they were better friends than they were or were they just tryna hype themselves up?

[azucardemiel]

Interesting when people make it seem like they’re bffs with someone and then you actually talk to said people and they seem confused. I wonder where that disconnect occurs. Did one person truly believe they were better friends than they were or were they just tryna hype themselves up?

[azucardemiel]

Idk every now and then I feel really low and I just want it all to be nothing, and there isn’t anything in the world that sounds more appealing but I just can’t. I can for myself but just how it would affect everyone around me, to think I could just stop being and most people would never know but the ones who would would just be...shocked I think and blame themselves. I can’t

[azucardemiel]

Uhhh fuckkkk my periods 8 days late but usually it’s like 3 days late so that means it’s 5days late (but I took plan b) soooo with all that math if it doesn’t come by next Saturday imma be freaking out

[azucardemiel]

So a 1bdr is $1500 a month and I’m like “wow not bad” bc honestly anything under $1800 is good imo and also it’s a bdr not studio.

#idk about utilities #i could swing that but jts wssentially be an entire check #fuckkkkk

[azucardemiel]

Wait I don’t get it

How are all of these amazing restaurants (like tasting) so cheap in Latin America. Like if I save 10k it seems like I should be Gucci there for a bit, well obvs still have to find a source of income but like it’s a good buffer

[azucardemiel]

Wow Chantal is a fake ass hoe bc she’s allegedly friends with Hanna from high school but she’s just agreeing with everyone talking shit

[azucardemiel]

I mean this is obvs all for show but if it were to be real or agree Hanna is lying. Please I know her type, Roby is a little too dumb to make up that lie (and into Colu or whatever)

[azucardemiel]

Lol why does Roby walk like that. Also he should’ve listened to Pepe and waited til after her bday to talk to her

Im hate watching made in Mexico and girl how is Hanna the most tone def of characters fjwjfnwkdns

[azucardemiel]

Also why do they all....look like that

Also in thinking about how to be middle class abroad, besides being a server/somme and teaching English, I should look into becoming like yoga certified

[azucardemiel]

Continuation of this I like dramatically (I thought obviously jokingly) told my grandma about the incident and how I couldn’t forgive my mom over it and she just texts me we need to talk and I’m like okayyyy (obvs I could guess about what. I’m mad at my grandma bc like really but also my mom handled it poorly) and I tell her what upset me and she doesn’t remember saying that but apologized (if she said it 🙄) and then mentioned I’ve been complaining about them not letting me go out. So I tell her I had complained about it but I don’t think I have recently and if I have I have no basis for it.

Then this bitch replies “sorry I’m not the mom you wanted but I can’t help but care for you” and girlllll. How do you manage to recenter the conversation around you and try to make me feel bad in the process when I thoughtttt we were discussing my feelings

So my mom texts me at 4am like que barbaridad a que horas vas a venir??!!

Which while annoying like did make me feel a little bad bc yeah she still doesn’t seem to grasp that I work a night schedule so my hours are just opposite of hers. But once I get home I’m like well they ordered pizza after work so I stayed eating and she’s like y a que venís oliendo and im like wine (duhh we drank the leftover wine) and she then brings up things I told her once when I was opening up to her (one that they don’t trust me which whatever but I wasn’t doing anything wrong so I don’t feel bad bad). But then she brings up that I say I’m lonely and don’t have friends and this is how I act (or something along those lines)

And honestly she might as well have punched me in the gut bc really, you bring up something I told you on a rare occasion I decided to open up to you?? Wow my eyes watered as I’m writing that and I initially started bc i got really emotional as i was explaining the same to my grandma. Like i unexpectedly got really emotional.

But yeah like she says she wants me to open up to her but then she brings up something I told her in one of those sessions as she’s lecturing me, nah fuck that

[azucardemiel]

Like honestly I expected it of Kitzia but like she’s making lots of valid points. Hanna’s all like I have Jewish, Hindu, etc friends and they taught me that while Kitzia is like that could offend others so maybe don’t

Also in thinking about how to be middle class abroad, besides being a server/somme and teaching English, I should look into becoming like yoga certified

[azucardemiel]

Im hate watching made in Mexico and girl how is Hanna the most tone def of characters fjwjfnwkdns

[azucardemiel]

Also in thinking about how to be middle class abroad, besides being a server/somme and teaching English, I should look into becoming like yoga certified