beastdiaries

[beastdiaries]

Part 1: I’m not sure

I tried to remember where it all began. Digging around in memories was excruciating so I gave myself a break. I decided to pick it up again when I felt stronger. The time did not come. I needed to find the beginning so I could create the end. Okay, that’s overly optimistic. The truth is that anxiety is like an incurable STD. You can take preventative measures to ease the symptoms and sometimes you won’t have an outbreak for days, months or if you’re really fucking lucky- years. But deep down in your being, you know the beast* is within- building momentum.  At any moment, it could creep back on to the surface with the same soul crushing gusto it has time and time again.

I can’t recall a starting point but I know I have carried some form of anxiety with me since I was a child. All the poking and prodding only revealed moments and potential people that could have unintentionally played a part in the creation of the beast. That’s the problem with anxiety- you go searching for answers and try to settle on one that makes sense but nothing about anxiety ever makes sense. My gut tells me to leave this part alone, so I will- for now anyways.

After years of trial and error with therapy, medication and group classes, I finally feel level. The absence of anxiety through medication comes with its own burden. Lowered sex drive, sweating, withdrawals, paranoia, feeling of numbness, and the nagging reminder that I rely on two pills a day to feel what others would describe as “normal.” I worry about my future. Am I who I am because of the medication? What will happen to me when I go off completely to have children? Will I ever live a pill free life? Could I love someone more than I do now? Could my orgasms be more passionate? Is this medication dulling my senses? Who am I without it? AM I PRESCRIPTION DRUGS? And that’s how anxiety starts. Some days I will passionately argue that anxiety is a chemical imbalance beyond my control. Other days I wonder if all the ignorant people in the world are right- it’s all in my head.

*”Beast” Putting a name to my anxiety is new. I was initially thinking something Dexteresque like “Dark Passenger” but I don’t want that fucker to be my passenger anywhere. Plus, the idea of being the princess who slays the ugly beast is more up my alley. The crucial difference here is, I have to slay the beast over and over again. I’m never aware when or where the battle will be but I feel more prepared than ever before.

#anxiety mentalillness support depression beastdiaries #darkpassenger beast mentalhealthawareness mentalhealth