beexle

[beexle]

i always knew and remembered how much i love shavi but i forget why and it was just so nice to sit with her and see her and hear her talking. shes so kind and genuinely interested in everything people say, you talk about your things and you listen to her talk and it doesnt feel superficial or just like the its What You Do kind of conversation. her hands are so gentle and worn and shes made so many people feel special. also!! the way she says stuff is just! you get seen for who you are but not judged for it!! she's raised her son and watched him have grandkids but she still sees him as a seperate human with his own complexities and thoughts and treats him with the same love and curiosity and its so hard to put into words all the things i love about her.

when she eats her upper lip looks like a chimp, and its lovely! she called the 90 year old person with cancer who she's looking after adorable, she just, she pours love out into the world and you can say anything to her and she takes it in her stride. the kind of soft chaos that she carries is precious and important and uncommon, and i want to be like her. i want to walk with her again, i want to sit and do art with her and watch her and learn

she never makes ties with anyone though, shes the flightiest old person i know. oh oh!!! she and lucy introduced me to avatar! but if she's air then june is earth and lucy is water. KA might be fire, shes so determined, shae is gonna grow up to be a very wise kid. he's had so much loving from all the elders out on country. he wouldnt remember me but i remember him!

#gonna learn and learn and learn and learn and make people feel how shavi does #im gonna remember to be not judgemental and to ask people things instead of assuming i know best and #i will not be my mother and my grandmother

[beexle]

its never been this hard before, its like my chest is all hollow and heavy and wrong, i think hes always the last thing i fall back on when i push everything away but this time now that ive pushed and he's not here it feels like theres nothing and its sad instead of numb

i dont want to leave snuffles! i think i would just die i simply think i cannot leave him

#i wish i wasnt me

[beexle]

i dont want to leave snuffles! i think i would just die i simply think i cannot leave him

[beexle]

I Made you smile!!!! everything is right in the world again and i dont have to fantasise about the future anymore cos now is alright again. ive never loved anyone else this much before, i can normally just push all the emotions away, like i know cleos gonna die and i know i only see her once a day for a brief period of time and it would be So easy to change that! but i dont and i dont care, like i do but i dont yknow? like the whole people could die thing you have going on. ive never been- ive never been worried about someone like this before, and i guess looking at it through that light, the one where its because of how much i love you makes it a bit easier.

hdjkshfdjhs sometimes you say or do something so very much like dad that it stops me in my tracks. like the way you cheer me up? maybe its just cos normally you're doin it when im little and i can remember dad cheering me up when i was little, but other things too! cant think of them exactly but they're there!

watching your smile slowly form, i used to mind that it was from something that wasn't me. how dumb is that! i cant believe the levels my toxic reaches, never knew before. never felt comfy to let them exist. but your smile baby! your smile is my favourite thing in the whole world, your happy is my favourite thing in the whole world. youre my favourite thing in the whole world. look at the way your hair is all swoopy! listen to you clear your throat, the fuck??? im so in love with you that i like listenin to you sniffle.

goddamn cutie.

[beexle]

im gonna be at mums again for a week, then with mum And grandma And dad And wolfie. i dont think ill be as mentally stable as we'd like, i dont think im gonna be able to help you the way i want to. youre already relying so much on escapism, will me being not there as much mean even more escapism? how do i help you? i guess communication is good, asking you how is good. but i know that tired heavy brain makes talk hard, so i wait until you can have that conversation. the other day wasn't quite right, it made your brain go quiet and far, kind of like mine. i think you dissociate too, i think the calling you my girlfriend and then boyfriend is nice for you because you dissociate. of course i could be wrong, i was wrong about the trans. was it partially hope that made me think that?

[beexle]

i think you like when i post things on tumblr cos then you dont have to reply to them. replying to things takes a lot of energy, and i think you have a lot of heavy dragging you down. its hard to see you sad, its hard to see you being sad alone. its nicer when we can be sad together, when it feels like youre sharing it with me because i feel like that makes it easier. but maybe you're never sharing it with me, or maybe you do and it doesnt make it easier. i know that we have different worlds, i know that im only just beginning to remember to learn about your world instead of pushing mine onto you. mum pushes her world onto everyone else, but we're not all the same and theres more differences than i realise. i have so much still left to learn. i really want to learn how to help you, i want it to be not so heavy.

but also i know that sometimes it feels nice to sink into the depressed, to not always force yourself to push through to the healthy. i wanna be able to tell when its the right time for you to let yourself relax and when it's the right time to push. last time you had the sad like this what helped was seeing friends, or was that the cause? was it after seeing friends and then leaving them that you got sad.

the things that help you are space and quiet times and knowing that youre loved. your most reliable love language is quality time (without the having to do stuff part)

presents are good too, but your brain doesnt always let that happen. maybe i can buy you a present.

[beexle]

idk idk maybe death IS the way to go, who's to say

#pms btw

[beexle]

my GOD dealing with someone who has bpd must be the most nightmarishly hilarious thing in the entire goddamn world. About ten minutes ago I was having a panic attack because of a song that Wil sang, and now im fucking grinning from ear to ear because Lucy (sad one) had a baby. the hECK is this! when am I gonna learn to get stable emotions. Ever??? ever??????

[beexle]

so if i dont stay awake and fill my brain as much as i can i start to cry. i think im always a step away from some kind of emotional breakdown and the only way i can regulate is by not thinking. do i ever run out of emotions? how do people get to the stable middle ground?

[beexle]

its really hard to see myself in hurting people. hard and good. i want to be more like them, so that im allowed to hurt more, and i want to see more of it so that i can feel validated, but i want to see less. because seeing less is comfort and how can i stay comfortable when im wondering how fucked up i am? when im wanting to be more fucked up?

#this was about feel good #but its happened with a few things #that kinda felt like the end of the show

[beexle]

am i just using bpd as an excuse for jealousy

[beexle]

mate- the Fuck? I hear wil smokes cigarettes sometimes and my brain goes ohhh.. . oh idk if i can date someone who does that. but she found out i have bpd and she is. the FUCK. i know its not a real thought at all, i know its just my brain leaning on something in the same way that it used to lean on killing myself. its an easy escape so that i know im not trapped. and as long as i dont let it effect my actions at all its okay. like i know i want to just always give the happy soft answer that will make everyone still like me, but saying that i dont like the video much isnt bad right? if wil said that to me i would shrivel up and die inside. i really want to be the best for her, do right for her. i think i will write a lot of things from what i can remember when we started talking. ill read the snapchat stories and write things from them. i'll save them.

[beexle]

i have a few issues with anella, but she just checked how wil's doin and she could tell she was anxious. she has good in her heart and im glad wil had her

[beexle]

oh god im always so interested in what it is that will finally tip me over the edge and get me to cry- this time apparently it was aaron offering to rp on hio with me. a 13 year old kid! and so sweet. humans are meant to connect and love and share and create together and it feels so good when we do. i miss wil.

[beexle]

when i feel empty or depressed and i listen to really loud music i can push it into the front of my head and it helps it pushes everything including the hurting away. its really good.

[beexle]

i am conSUMING media! and i am GIDDY because i havent been able to do it like this for so long and im excited and interested and i found a new dnd podcast and theyre so cute and good and i finished my old one and YEH

[beexle]

Wil is with Bella and I'm here and its Fine. I'm getting slowly more and more depressed and fat and lazy, while she goes to gay bars and gets more comfy with drinking and gets to fix Bella's coat and I wouldnt want them not to have that. I just want it too. I'm trying to tell myself I'm not a bad person for being jealous and maybe I'm not Bad but I wish so desperately that I could just push it away. I dont know why she called me this afternoon. She didnt even want to talk to me she just wanted me there and to see her and bella having fun and once they get the van it could be a year! thats so long. if it goes well they'll be even closer. they'll probably want to kiss. she probably wont want me anymore. ill probably be so lonely and jealous and sad that i turn to idk what. drinking and messaging random girls. forming new 'lifelong bonds' each month like i used to. its not gonna be a good time. im not excited. but for not its Fine, and i will chrochet my anxiety away and maybe ill finally get sad enough to off myself at that bridge.