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sallylamontcreativeproject
Sally Lamont Creative Project
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i try to undersrand that her poor behavior and treating me bad and being irritable to everyone is because shes stressed out and currently losing someone she's known her whole life
but its hard
it still hurts
her irritability and pain is making my pain feel worse
she doesnt think im stressed either? she doesnt think im grieving too?
yeah, he's doing it to himself. he is an addict; he cant get away from it. he kept saying "i want to die, i want to die" you told him he cant die in our house and said that he should and youd help. now that he's dying, you still say that he did it to himself LIKE HE DOESNT KNOW? maybe that was the fucking plan. no one is surprised, but it still hurts to see him in pain and dying so slowly.
the doctors are trying to save him, rehydrate his organs, and make sure he's clean. but in my mind, he's dying. theyre trying to save him, he's still alive, but i feel like he's already gone. its such a bad feeling
why am i feeling this way? its painful. i dont want to lose him. i keep thinking about times with him and how much he helped me, and it hurts.
its only now im remembering some good memories. how pathetic is that?
theyre right... you only remember what you had when its gone. my dad was a pos dad, but it makes me realize how much he did help me sometimes. i hate this so much
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like 20-30lbs doesnt feel/look like a lot to me but when i wear sizes smaller than what ive been able to wear for the past like 5-6years rlly puts it into perspective
it makes me scared to gain weight though... like its a genuine fear now, which may mean im slipping a little into anorexia but im going to pretend its not there until it gets rlly bad :3
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wearing clothes that was given to me a year ago and didnt fit me then but they fit me now is insane idk
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if this is a trick into her making me see my dad im going to fight her
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its okay... its okay. its fine! he's not angry at you; he was upset with the game before you joined. you're okay! its fine! and you cant apologize for not being good because he didnt say that! so like what are you anxious for? why is your heart on fire, burning a hole right through your skin? is it because you automatically assume everything is your fault because of your parents??? c'mon! you're so self-centered. you were told everything was your fault, but that doesnt mean that everyone else thinks the same thing.
im trying my best to heal but its really bad
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you know, maybe they were right. maybe when they said that im a kid and cant do anything and will never be a real adult.. maybe they were right. i am too clumsy. i dont make wise financial decisions. i love stuffed animals and many other things kids like. and i dont like it... i like those things, but i dont like how.... clumsy and childlike i am. i hate that when someone gets slightly angry or irritated i become a child.... child me... i shrink and built a wall over my emotions. i become scared. i hate it. i dont like that im this way ,,, why do i hve to be this way why do i cry whenever im in public by myself and someone talks to me. why do i have to be this way i genuinely hate it im going to cry.
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i wish she wasnt the way she is. that sounds so mean but i cant deal w this anymore
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i just still cant believe all it took for my mom to clean again was for a man to love her but doesnt want to commit to her. WOW! thank you! taking care of your children and making sure they grew up in a healthy environment with cleaning skills, cooking skills, and not fast food every day DOES NOT MATTER AT ALL!
like i get it, i do. she was depressed, didnt want to do anything, was w a man that didnt treat her entirely well.
but holy shit im so upset abt this!!!
im not going to sit here and say she was all to blame on why idk how to clean or cook. yes, i couldve taught myself while growing up. HOWEVER, i still feel like expecting a 7-year-old kid to know how to clean efficiently (especially when they didnt like to clean) is a lot. like, if u noticed i cried every time i couldnt get myself to clean my room even though i knew it was messy and wanted to, DO SOMETHINT? THATS LIKE SUCH AN OBVIOUS SIGN OF NEURODIVERGENCY TO ME?
like,
i just wish i didnt have to teach myself basic human needs at the adult age i am. i wish my mom was a good mom growing up.
sorry, im victimizing myself again, arent i? im all "woe is me"ing, arent i?
i should stop
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maybe giving myself "breaks" from my medication isntactually good for me
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telling myself im being overdramatic until i believe it or distracting myself from it until im faced w it again
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life will not be truly peaceful until i dont have to deal w her yelling at me anymore. i try to be understanding of her, that she cant help it sometimes, but its difficult. why do i have to be so irresponsible? why do i have to be so stubborn? part of it isnt my fault, but it still feels like its all on me. it is on me. i shouldnt blame her for everything. i mean, she is physically there for me. she takes me places, she buys me food. therefore, i cant say that shes all bad. oil and water...
i pray for a day where i can live in peace. i pray for a day where i dont have to worry about my safety, and for a day where i dont overthink the thoughts that are in my head.
im not sure if theres such thing as bliss, peace, or ease for a mind and body like mine, but i hope i'll find it someday.
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i am the reason for the bad things that happen to me and i need to realize that more often. i hate myself a lot right now. i have feelings of jealousy towards his best friend. its completely irrational because tehyre aromantic and asexual, so... like... nothing will happen. but, i feel like its how close they are. and look, its valid, and my insecurity is not. hes allowed to have friends and be close with them especially because we started dating (and were friends) after he's known them for so long. i guess its just that i wish i was friends with him earlier. i mean, we were in the same school, same grade, and shared many of the same classes. i hate myself for never talking to him, or to anyone. i hate myself for not being able to make friends, and not feeling like i have any. i hate that i cant do anything right. i hate that i doubt any kind words that come my way. i hate that i hate myself. is it because i didnt take my antidepressant? i dont know. even when i take it, ill still feel some of these feelings. what i want, though, is someone to hold me. i want to be held.
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you cant blame everything on children that dont know better because YOU dont teach them it. "its common sense" NOT TO A KID
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i thought it would make me feel better and it did for a while untill it ... didnt
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shes just playing victim, saying everyones against her, when all i asked was for her to not argue w my dad and tell him to die in front of me. "you dont yell at him when he talks to me like that" yes tf i do, what?
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