blazeofbrownie

[blazeofbrownie]

It's my 10 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

#10 year tumblrversary #tumblr milestone

[blazeofbrownie]

As It Was.

"Prominent millionaire Adam Reed and his wife Gloria Reed, owners of Reed Corp, die in a tragic car accident. They are survived by their only son Ethan Reed."

I barely had any time to process what had happened, let alone grieve the death of my parents. My life consisted of parties, women and copious amounts of booze, suddenly replaced by words I'd never given any thought to. Mergers and acquisitions, contracts and annulments, "sign here" and "initial here". I didn't even know what I was signing, hell, I could have signed my life away and I wouldn't have the slightest clue. The company lawyers assured me it was all legitimate, but I wouldn't know either way.

I just need to breathe.

I'd stormed out of the building and made my way home, I had more important things to do, like plan the funerals of my parents. I haven't even seen their bodies, isn't that the first thing that's done in cases like this? Sign the bodies over to the next of kin so they could do what they need to?

I'd located the address of the morgue, and made some excuse to the ones that had decided to hover over me so I didn't make a bad decision in regards to the company or myself. I'm not even sure how I'll react to seeing them, the news had shocked me, sure, but I hadn't cried, probably because that news was quickly followed by "Reed Corp is now yours" a spoiled rich kid, suddenly the owner of a multi million dollar company.

"I'm here to do whatever it is so I can plan my parents' funerals."

"Names?"

"Adam and Gloria Reed."

The morgue lady requests ID, which I hand to her, then begins to tap away at the keyboard, her brows narrowing as she looks from the computer towards me.

"Sorry, they're being held here by the DA's office pending investigation."

"Why?"

"I don't know anything else, you'll have to take it up with the DA's office or the detective in charge."

"Can I at least see them?"

"Not without the DA's permission."

Great, before I could barely process that they were dead, now I couldn't even see their bodies? Anger and irritation coursing through me as I exit the building and make my way to the police station, ambushing the detective that had informed me of their deaths.

"Why is the DA's office holding my parents bodies?"

He stares at me and I'm doing my best not to crumble with all the heavy emotions I'm currently experiencing, ones that I was never taught how to handle. He hesitates then speaks.

"We have information that your parents were murdered."

"It was a car accident..."

"One that we believe was intentional. You can't get the bodies until after the investigation."

Exasperated and confused, I step back and run hands over my face and through my hair, what am I supposed to do now? How can I move on when the world wouldn't let me? Why couldn't things just be as they were? My parents alive and me living the life I was so used to. There's only so many times I can ask myself, why did this happen? Why us? Why. I can't deal with all this. Before I have the chance to leave, the detective stops me, his words causing my mind to get even more confused than ever.

"Keep tomorrow free, we'll need you to come in for questioning."

"Wait, what? Are you serious? You think I killed my parents?"

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— Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking

[blazeofbrownie]

My Father's Son

I still remember the proud expression on my father's face, when I passed the test and became a member of Antigone. I also recall the expression on Mr Giordano's face, but I didn't quite recognise what it was, and wouldn't know until a year later.

I'd just finished a job with Dorian, and let myself into my house, ready to surprise my parents, after being gone for a few weeks. Only, the moment I walked through the door, I could hear them arguing, it's probably why they didn't hear me come home. A confused look on my face as I head upstairs to find out what the commotion was all about. I could hear the voices of my mother and father and it made me stop outside their bedroom and listen.

"Dimitri can't keep doing this, you need to stop him, he shouldn't have to go down this road."

"I can't do anything, it's too late, he's part of Antigone and there is no turning back."

"So you won't help him? You won't help him because of your loyalty to Antigone, or because he's not your son?"

My brows furrowed as I heard my mother's words, confused and hurt, what was going on? What did she mean by that? I refused to listen anymore and headed back downstairs to pretend I was only just coming home, though I made sure I closed the door loudly, which inevitably ended their argument.

I'd waited until after dinner, when my father would retire to his room and my mother would be clearing the kitchen, arms folded as I perched against the wall. I didn't want to beat around the bush so I just asked what was on my mind.

"Who is my real father?"

She almost dropped the plate she was washing, before she turned to look at me, she stumbled on her words but I shook my head.

"Don't lie Mom, I heard you and Dad, so tell me what I asked, tell me who my father really is?"

I wasn't expecting the answer she gave me. The anger and hurt rose inside, causing me to storm out of the house, ignoring my mother's calls. I went to the person I was closest with.

I took one look at Dorian and the anger surfaced, I shoved him and yelled.

"Did you know?!"

He looked confused, questioned what I was talking about and what was wrong with me, his questions only made me angrier so I pushed him again.

"That your father is my father too!"

The look on his face was enough to give me my answer, and the anger on my face turned to hurt, I shook my head and stepped away from him, feelings of betrayal inside, but Dorian was a persistent guy, he reached out and placed a hand on my shoulder, forcibly causing me to look at him.

"I found out a few years ago, but that doesn't mean anything Dimi, you were my brother long before then. Don't let this change anything."

I stared back at him, as I tried my best to hold the facade a little longer, but the longer I looked at him, I realised he was right, this couldn't change anything. Dorian found out I was his half brother but it never changed the way he treated me, the way he saw me, because like he said, I was already his brother in all the ways that mattered.

Our brotherly moment was interrupted by his...our father making an appearance, I turned my head to him, questions burning in my mind. Do you know about me? Do you love me? Do you even care? I realised then that I'd never bring the questions to my lips. If he knew about me, yet never made the effort to reach out to me, it told me more about him than anything else, and if he didn't know about me, then there was no reason to change that otherwise.

I left Dorian with the truth that nothing would ever be different between us, and headed back home. When I got there, I saw my father in his room, reading over some files, and as I stared at him, things became clearer. He knew I wasn't his, yet he never let that affect us, he was still the one that taught me to ride a bike, taught me to swim and how to drive. He did everything to make sure I was safe, hell, he never had any other children even though he could. He was my father, and I was his son.

OC created by @Coldbloodedsins

[blazeofbrownie]

Broken Strings

I try to hold on, but it hurts too much, I try to forgive, but it's not enough to make it all okay.

Dad fucked us over, he fucked me over. I should have punched him in his face, the moment I laid eyes on him, but I'd become five years old again, looked up to the man that was, and even though my heart screamed out to me that he wasn't being truthful, even though Tommy told me not to trust him, I still believed him.

I gave him the money he wanted for the so-called Shelby Casino he promised, and I waited for him. My beer mug emptied, yet the one belonging to my namesake, remained full to the brim. A hand clasped around the handle and I chugged it in one go, only then did I move from the spot. I asked around and made some calls, and the information I received only made the hurt in my heart worse.

I found him just as he was about to board the train to leave, and there wasn't a single ounce of remorse on his face. Not a single fuck was given by him, he dismissed me like I was a child, his demeanour making me think I was the scared little boy again, scared of his fucking father, who was about to smack him.

Every step I took away from him, made me feel smaller, how could I get caught up in his words again? After everything that's happened, after he left us, after it all, I still believed. How was I supposed to face Tommy? How could I go back home and face anyone? I could feel the anger rising with each step, the ache inside caused me to kick out against the wall, my hand smacked against it until I saw red. I was shaking, so I forced myself to regain composure, there were too many eyes around, it wouldn't be long until someone ran to tell Tommy that his older brother had lost his mind.

My drunk, staggered steps took me back to the scene of the crime, back to the boxing club, where this nightmare had started. I replayed the scene again, I watched as he waltzed back in to my life like he was always there, what a fucking idiot I was to fall for his stupid lies! I shook my head to get rid of the thoughts, and stumbled further in to the club, I caught sight of my reflection and it only made me angrier. What a pathetic man, what a fool he was to let history repeat itself, who stood pathetically as his father walked out on him again. This man, who went around threatening lives and killed in the name of the Peaky Blinders, who would have thought he could look so lost and broken. Unable to stare any further, my hand clutched the beer bottle and I tossed it at the mirror and watched as the pieces fell to the floor, as each piece hit the ground, the anger and hurt in my form rose.

I tore my gaze away from the shattered glass that resembled my shattered heart, and stumbled to the boxing ring, and a thought struck my mind. Would it be so wrong? The world would continue to spin without me, Tommy would look after the business without me. What was I really? Just the muscle, there to scare everyone, Tommy could easily replace me. John, he was so wrapped up in his marriage and kids, he'd barely have the time to mourn his lost brother, and Finn, well, he still had all of life ahead of him, he doesn't need his stupid big brother bringing a black cloud over him. Polly and Ada would look after the family, there was no doubt about it. One less Shelby in the world wouldn't make an ounce of a difference.

I spotted the stool in one corner along with a skipping rope, and I took them both to the side. I was stood directly underneath the crane, I placed the stool down and stood upon it, barely. I took my time in knotting the rope before I wrapped it around my neck, I threw the other side upwards and watched as it closed around the crane and I waited no longer.

I could feel the circulation as it started to cut off, I spluttered as my head lolled to one side, this was it, it would all be over now, the pain would subside, and I could finally rest, but alas, if we all got what we wished for, we wouldn't result to things like this. My body crashed to the floor as the rope broke, I couldn't move, I couldn't think, I just lay there, broken, just like the string.

You can't play on broken strings, you can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel. I can't tell you something that ain't real. Oh the truth hurts, and lies worse, how can I give anymore, when I love you a little less than before.

[blazeofbrownie]

Flames and Cosmics

Loss changes a person, and I've suffered many losses to last me more than a lifetime. The family dynamic I'd grown up in, no longer existed, following Dad's infidelity, I wasn't surprised to hear of their divorce, with Dad uprooting his life to the South of France and Mom jet-setting away to the Caribbean. I was foolish to believe it would stop there, but then I lost a piece of my heart and soul, causing me to change, for better or worse, only time would tell.

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, a new life taking birth, is what it felt like as I closed the doors on New York permanently, and took roots in a small quaint town in North Dakota. No one knew who I was and I didn't know anyone either, I found this quite refreshing. The ability to be someone other than the reporter I used to be, someone other than the daughter and wife I was, the ability to be me.

I'd never openly practiced my craft, having learned of who or what I was in my early teens, the magic passed on from my Grandmother, skipping a generation, transferred to me. Mom never knew a thing, I guess Grandma thought it better that way, why discuss something that she would never understand? My Grandmother's passing meant I couldn't learn everything from her, but it's always better late than never.

Books sprawled over the bed, wiccan history, myths, legends and conspiracies, all leading to the truth, I couldn't learn this alone. Modern day witches had an advantage, the internet, so I continued my research online, reading about different covens and factions, were they real though? Or just made up by the world? Surely an actual coven wouldn't have their information readily available for the world to see.

My research continued until I found a spell, one to locate someone, or a place. I followed the steps involved, keeping the printout of the sigil I'd come across, one of two snakes wrapped in flames, resembling the letter S, mirrored on itself. I didn't expect the candles to burn brightly and a trail of black to lead to a specific place. Had I hit the jackpot?

After gathering my things, I followed the directions to the spot on the map, and came across an ancient building, the sigil standing proud on top of the gate, a hand connecting with the steel to push it open but I'd only taken a few steps before someone appeared before me. I took a moment to explain who I was and what I needed but this guy looked at me strangely. Nevertheless, he led me into the building and I could already feel the magic around me, I was definitely in the right place.

It was a few minutes before he made me wait outside a room, emerging moments later and ushering me inside. That's where I met Lincoln Scofield, I was told she was the Legacy of the coven - The Sacred Flame. I introduced myself and she extended her hand to shake mine, but the second our hands connected, I felt a burst of energy through my form, and I could tell she felt it too. With our hands still joined together, a flame appeared around them and I felt a burning sensation on my arm, I pulled away as soon as the fire dispersed, and looked at my arm. The sigil was there, I could see it was on her arm too and I didn't know what this meant but she did. Her hand found my shoulder.

"You're one of us, the coven chooses the members, and the Flame has spoken. You clearly have the gift, you just need guidance and support."

That encounter changed my life, it happened over a month ago and since then, I'd delved more into my magic, learning everything I could, mastering simple spells until I could perform them without incantations. Sacred Flame were key to unlocking my potential, but I couldn't stop there. I needed more.

My research continued, if there was one thing I was good at, it was research, I had it perfected during my years of being a reporter. I was thorough in my exploration, I looked into everything with a fine tooth comb, until I was satisfied that I'd found the right one. There was nothing in the lore and studies to suggest I couldn't learn from another coven.

She called herself Saiph, I'd watched her for a while, when she'd emerged from the shadows in which she dwelled. She appeared like a phoenix, crimson haired and beautiful, I knew I had to approach with caution. It's not like she knew me or could believe if I could be trusted, but once I showed her my magic, I could tell she was intrigued.

"You have a fire within you, if used right, then it can be as powerful as you want, but you'll need to be careful not to get burned along the way. Cosmic Coven can help you find the right path."

That was it though, I wasn't sure I wanted to be on the right path, of course I wanted to hone my magic and skills, learn everything there was to learn, I wanted to be free and simply exist and not feel. Most of all though I wanted power, and I would do anything to get it.

I got this feeling, yeah, you know, where I'm losing all control, cause there's magic in my bones.

[blazeofbrownie]

Brother, Brother.

AJ is 3 years older than me, but sometimes he acts like he's much more. We were close when we were younger, inseparable at times, I looked up to him more than I did our father. I wanted to play everything with him, whether it was my teddy bears, my tea set, or the piggyback rides, he entertained it all.

Then I grew up.

The altercation with Bobby knocked me for six, were all boys like this? Was that the only thing they cared about? There was a point, after it had happened, where I was staring at AJ, across the dining table, and I couldn't help but wonder, did my brother do things like this? Pretend to like a girl only to use her and then drop her like yesterday's trash? No, my brother wouldn't be like that. My thoughts drifted to Connor, but I quickly averted away from it, Connor liked boys, he'd never do anything like that. I'd carried on with my dinner with the notion that AJ was an exception.

That same evening, after I'd helped my mom clear the kitchen, I'd headed upstairs to go to my room, but I thought I'd better let AJ know about Bobby and what happened, I'd let him handle it the way big brothers handle these kinds of things. Before I could, I'd heard him laughing at something, curiosity got the best of me so I opened the door to find him staring down at his phone, I tried to get a better look and spotted a photo of some girl. As I continued to stare at him, it became affirmed, AJ was just like all the other boys, who pretended to be good but were bad. My brother wasn't an exception.

Things went downhill from there, I became reserved, I secluded into myself, I started to harden my heart, and my resolve. No one would treat me like that again. My brother noticed the difference in me, and he'd confronted me about it, but I shook him off and told him was imagining things. He stopped pushing the topic and stepped back, and things were never the same again.

Looking back on everything that happened during that time, the shift between my brother and I, hardened my heart even more, if I couldn't rely on my own flesh and blood, how was I supposed to trust anyone else? The older I got, the more I'd realised, I didn't need to trust anyone but myself, I didn't need to rely on anyone but myself, not even my brother.

[blazeofbrownie]

The Monster

Blinding thirst is what I feel, the need and want to have the sweet crimson liquid rushing down my throat, to feel the blood smeared across my mouth, nothing else comes to mind but the animalistic desire to get rid of the thirst.

Black leather boots making no noise as they connect with the muddy grounds of the woods, my blonde hair being whipped against the wind. I stop behind a big oak tree, peeking out from the side to spot a campsite and more importantly, the prey.

I use my enhanced senses to hear the guy tell the girl he's off to get wood, leaving the helpless victim alone.

The girl twists on her feet to come face to face with me, the predator, shock and fear clouding the girl's features but nothing will stop me from my prey.

"Oh wow, I didn't see you there"

Her words fall on deaf ears, the only thing I can hear is the sound of her blood pumping through her veins, I'm only able to focus on the jugular vein. In no wasted time, my fangs meet her skin, sharp teeth sinking into the jugular vein, the sweet nectar flows from her neck into my mouth.

Her heart stops beating, the blood stops flowing and her body goes limp, I let it drop to the floor and stare down at it for a moment. It's the sound of logs falling to the ground and a loud scream takes my attention away from the girl.

In an instant, a new prey is found, feet moving as quick as the wind, I'm quickly standing behind the victim, hands placed on his shoulder and head, moving his head to gain access to the guy's neck, once again my fangs pierce the skin and blood leaves his body.

And just like the other, this one goes limp and drops to the ground, but I waste no time in staring. I step over it and disappear away from the campsite, away from the dead bodies towards the comfort of my home.

In the sanctity of my bathroom, green orbs meeting green orbs as I stare at my reflection, blood smeared across my mouth, no remorse or guilt in my eyes, only satisfaction from satiating the thirst.

Feet pad back to the bedroom, my eyes fall onto a photograph, one of a happier time, taken only a few years back but seemingly a lifetime ago, the photo is placed in a drawer, that girl no longer lives here, she died a long time ago.

The mattress dips as I sit down, staring ahead at the mirror by my wardrobe, catching my reflection again. Caroline Forbes, a blood sucking monster...Damon was right all along. There's a villain inside us all.

[blazeofbrownie]

For Them

Sera's alive.

Mom's being hunted.

Dad's involved with The Vision.

Antonio and Arianna are being stalked by a vampire claiming to be a Falco.

Grace, Lincoln and Michael are battling their own demons.

Is it okay to scream? Or carry the brave face and continue on. The family are counting on me. Or it's that I need to fix things. It's just in my nature to keep everyone around me happy that I forget about my own happiness. That I focus on them and not myself. That I give them all of my time so I have none left for myself, let alone anyone else. It's the way it's always been, it's the way it will always be. They are my priority. They always come first.

Sitting on my bed staring at the half empty closet, the cleared dresser, the missing photographs. Contemplating whether my decision was for the best? Even though I know it was the right one. I chose what was right for me and my family. Everyone comes and goes but family remains. Life is hard. Time heals all wounds though, even the ones I caused myself, because walking away can still be painful.

A deep breath and I move from the bed, exiting the room to go downstairs. I can hear Mom and Sera, discussing the recent events and as I stand at the bottom of the stairs, I know I have to get over everything and move on. I can't heal if I keep looking back, if I'm stuck in the past. Forward is the way. I can do this, I have to, for myself and them.

Another deep breath and I continue from the stairs to the kitchen, where they're sitting, coffee and pancakes on the counter. The worry in their voices is enough for my resolution, I can't let them see me break, see me unhappy because they'll only blame themselves and that's the last thing I need or want.

A smile on my face as I enter the kitchen, and perch myself on a stool next to my sister, reaching for a coffee mug while attempting to steal some of her food but unsuccessful. It's the laughter from her that causes my smile to become genuine. In that moment I know, all the pain in the world pales in comparison to their happiness. I'll take on anything and everything, for them.

[blazeofbrownie]

Back to Basics

I've done a lot of shit in my time, and a lot has happened to me, there's only so much before the beast in me surfaces again. I've tried to squash it down, ignore it for the betterment of those around me, but it's like this life wants me to be the monster. A failed marriage with estranged kids was enough to make me want to go rogue yet I let the humanity in me remain, I gave this life another chance. I gave myself another chance at a happy life, but if there's one thing I've learned in my long life, the happy one isn't for me. I'm too selfish, too impulsive and too irrational. I blame everyone else but myself. How can I possibly make someone else happy when I don't even let myself feel it. When I choose to run in the opposite direction, because when has it ever worked out for me? Why try when it's going to fail?

It's easy to flip the switch on humanity, but it isn't the road I like to travel down, turning it off is for the weak, the ones who are afraid of who they become, the ones who can't accept themselves, the ones who like to justify their actions by telling the world "my humanity was off". I know what I am, I know what I'm capable of, I don't need to hide behind a mask. I own who I am. I own my actions, good or bad. At the end of it all, who gives a damn about what anyone else thinks?

Why is it I always get these characteristic thoughts while laying on an empty road, drunk on bourbon? Of course it's the most obvious path a lone vehicle will take, a tried and tested method to lure an unsuspecting victim in my direction. If life gives you lemons...

"Are you okay man?"

Man? Who uses that word? Casting a glance at the guy by his car, dressed in a plaid shirt and black trousers. I guess beggars can't be choosers. I drunkenly rise to my feet, brows lifting slightly as I stagger towards him. A hand reaching for his shoulder, ignoring the strange look he gives me.

"I don't know, is the real answer, how does one define if they are okay? There's nothing physically wrong with me, but mentally? Emotionally? Who knows. Who cares. Do you care?"

"Uhh..."

"No you don't, you only pretend to care, like everyone else."

He turns to try and get back into his car but it's too late now, he's to bare witness to the monster surfacing. The hand on his shoulder clamping down to force him to stay put, pupils dilating as I compel him to stay still and be silent.

"You can't leave. You have to stay, you were brought here for a reason, it's divine intervention, don't you get it? You have a great purpose in life....and death."

His confused expression met with my fanged one, the veins underneath my eyes causing his to widen, panic covering his features, he wants to move but he can't.

"Believe me when I say, it's nothing personal. Life made me this way. You can scream now."

His screams fill the air while his blood fills my mouth, his body dropping to the ground once I'm satiated. My tongue grazes my lips, savouring the taste and that's when I catch my reflection in the car window, blood covering my mouth and shirt, not a care in the world on my face. I realise I can let my emotions go without turning my humanity off, because it's what I've always done.

Guess the monster wins after all.

[blazeofbrownie]

Losing Control

'Cause I got thoughts so dark, they tear me apart, and I know that I'm losing control.

The New Jersey State City Boxing Final

"Are you sure about this Rafael? I can still pull your name out, put it down to injury, you don't have to do this."

I nod my head at Max, while I'm wrapping the white tape around my hands. I'd been training for this match for almost a month, I wasn't about to quit because of my personal issues. Deep breaths Raf. Seated on the bench, waiting for the announcer to call my name and for the match to start.

There's a heavy feeling inside me, a void, one I caused myself. It was too good to last, the happiness, the content, how can one, who has been plagued with demons, live a life like that? How could I expect to be rid of the nightmares? Instead they got worse. Damien wanting to join either Antigone or Dyad, seeing Dorian again, talks of war on the news. I'd found myself lost in my thoughts more than ever, even when I wasn't alone, I felt alone. I tried and I failed, that life wasn't one for me, not when my nightmares increased to the point where sleep couldn't find me.

Thoughts broken as I hear my name announced, readying myself for the match. I barely hear the cheers as I make my way to the ring, nodding briefly at Max's instructions and then it's go time. I make the mistake of looking towards the spectators area, but there's no one there, because I'd pushed everyone away. I squash the thoughts down and turn to concentrate on the fight, only I can't move, it isn't the opponent I was expecting. It's Matt. In his army gear, face covered in scuff marks, stepping towards me and all I can do is stumble back.

"You should have saved me Raf. Why didn't you save me?"

I shake my head and try to concentrate but I can't see past the ghost of my best friend. I thought I was recovering? I thought I had gotten over this? Or was I just fooling myself into thinking I could undo the impossible? I find myself stumbling towards him, take me to where you are Matt, I can't do this anymore.

A blow to the side of my face and Matt's no longer there, it's the opponent Felix, causing me to narrow my eyes in confusion, what was going on? Another blow to my face and I'm down for the count, I barely register Max yelling from my corner, his lips are moving but I can't hear anything. Then the bell sounds and it's all over, I let my eyes close and drift away from any kind of reality.

"I told you we should have cancelled it. Your head wasn't in the right space, and it cost you the match Raf. You just lost your first ever match."

An icepack against the side of my head, I shrug my shoulders and look over at Max, a look of indifference covering my features, I can't even muster an excuse let alone an apology. Letting the icepack drop from my hand so I can gather my things, I need to get out of here.

I leave the arena, getting away from Max and his judgemental looks, laughter causing me to look to the side, it's Felix and his guys, laughing at how he easily won the match, how I was miles away, how it looked like I'd seen a ghost. This time it isn't a ghost I see, but it's my rage. The bag dropped from my shoulder as I stalk over, one hand clutching his collar and the other connecting with his face, again and again. I see nothing but red, on his face, on my hand, in my mind.

"You get one phonecall."

I frown at the police officer, a little annoyed with myself for getting myself into this situation. Who the hell was I supposed to call? I stare at the handset and figure there's only one person I could rely on now. The phone rings and he answers.

"Dorian, I need you to bail me out."

His questions go unanswered, I keep the conversation to a minimum, letting him know where I am and how much the bail is. It doesn't take him long to get there, he completes the formalities and soon we're both in his car, silent at first but then the questions begin again.

"Rafael? What the hell is going on? They said you almost put a guy in hospital? I thought you took up boxing so you wouldn't do stupid shit like that?"

"Dorian, just take me home."

He hesitates for a second but the engine starts shortly after, the ride is quiet. I spend the journey staring out of the window, avoiding looking in Dorian's direction, avoiding his questions, and avoiding what my life has become.

When the car stops, I don't wait around for Dorian to throw anymore questions my way, swiftly exiting the car and leaving him to himself. I unlock the door to my apartment, staring at the furniture as I enter, it's the same place I used to stay in, nothing's changed except me.

[blazeofbrownie]

The Final Goodbye.

[Deep breaths, I tell myself as I stare at my reflection in the mirror, attempting to complete the knot on the black tie I’m wearing, but it doesn’t want to co-operate.]

Damn it!

[I curse again as I tug the material from around my neck and throw it on the bed, I close my eyes and try to calm down, I can feel my body shaking a little so I take a seat on the edge of the bed, dropping my head in to my hands, not looking up until I hear the voice of my brother, Dante.]

“Need some help?”

[He’s already dressed in his best black suit with the white shirt, his black tie looking impeccable around his neck, though my brother seems to be able to pull off any kind of look. He’s grown his beard again, something he’s always done when his heart is weighing heavy with emotions. He doesn’t wait for an answer to his question, stepping in and lifting the thin tie in his hand, his other hand reaching for my elbow, causing me to rise to my feet, he tosses the tie over his shoulder so he can use both hands to lift my collar up properly. He’s focused on the task at hand, swiftly knotting the tie, setting it in place. Once satisfied, he reaches out for the suit jacket and holds it out, I sigh and slide my arms in, letting my big brother smooth it out, he grins and turns us both to look at our reflections.]

“We look good.”

[I chuckle and shake my head, letting out a small breath as I move to where my bag is, I’d decided to stay at Dante’s until after the funeral. I take out the smart shoes I’d bought and slip them on, turning my head to the door where our sister, Arianna, stands, dressed in a black knee length dress.]

“You guys ready? You take forever, I got ready before you and that’s saying something.”

[Dante narrows his eyes at her playfully before looking over at me, his hand resting on my shoulder.]

“Are you ready?”

[I know my brother isn’t questioning if I’m ready in the sense of my clothes, but my mental and emotional state of mind. Am I ready to say goodbye? It’s not like I really have a choice do I? But I simply nod my head. He lets a brief smile claim his features as he gestures for us to leave.

There’s only a few people at the cemetery, Dante had tried to convince me to attend the funeral service at the church but I couldn’t bring myself to be in such a big crowd, knowing that only the close family and friends would be attending the burial. We exit the car, Dante to my left, Arianna to my right, her arm linking with mine as we make the short walk to where they will lay Jeremy to rest.

I can see his aunt and sister, both grief stricken, I’d only met them a few times, Dante probably knew them better than I did, having lived with them at one point.

It happens in slow motion again, when I see the coffin being brought to the place it is needed, recalling the moment I’d laid my eyes upon his cold form. I can barely make out any of the words spoken by the priest or by Jeremy’s family members. Slowly the coffin is lowered in to the ground and I have to close my eyes, biting the inside of my cheek, I can feel my brother wrap his arm around my shoulders, squeezing it gently while Arianna squeezes the hand she’s now holding on to. I drop my gaze to the ground, quite surprised at myself, a different version of me probably wouldn’t have been able to make it here. A younger version of me, would have refused to attend, refused to say goodbye because that would mean there was no turning back.

This me is stronger, older, and maybe even wiser. This me has let go of the past, and is able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. This me is ready to close this book and start a new one.

The ceremony lasts another half hour or so and soon the only people remaining at the burial site are Jeremy’s sister, his aunt and us. They’d noticed us earlier but we wanted to wait until the ceremony was over before paying our respects. Dante pats my shoulder and we slowly make our way over, I clear my throat and they both look towards us. His aunt looks from me to Dante and back again.]

“Thank you for coming, I didn’t think…after all this time…”

“He was my best friend, there was no way I wasn’t going to be here.”

We loved him, and we’re really sorry…

[His aunt steps forward to give us both a hug, before leaving us alone. Dante looks over at Arianna.]

“Anna come on, Ant needs to be alone.”

[He reaches out for her hand and leads her away, leaving me alone, staring at the headstone which bears the name of my ex. I let out a deep breath, slipping my hands in to my pockets.]

This is it I guess, you know I thought the next time I would talk to you, would be face to face. That I would be yelling at you, asking you what the hell happened that day, what ran through your mind when you walked out the door, why you never looked back, I would have blamed you for breaking my heart, for running away from me, from my brother, from everyone. I’ve thought a lot over the past few years, and especially over the past days, and I realise it now, I never realised it before because I never allowed myself to, I never let myself go down that path, but…I don’t blame you anymore, I think I stopped blaming you a while ago but I never owned up to the truth. I might not know or believe in a lot of things but I know it’ll be okay from now…that I’ll be okay. You can rest knowing that Jeremy, I love you, a part of me always will. Goodbye.

[I press my hand against his name on the headstone, a half smile claiming my lips briefly before turning to make my way to my siblings. When I look at Dante, I know he’s heard everything I said, the expression on his face says enough, he squeezes my shoulder lightly before brushing past me to say his own goodbye.

I slide my arm around my sister, resting my head against hers, expelling a deep breath, I finally feel free.]

[blazeofbrownie]

Let Him Go

[Incessant ringing wakes me from my slumber, I extend a hand and reach out for my phone, not even looking at the caller ID as I press the answer button, my voice heavy with sleep.]

Hello?

“Is this Antonio Falco?”

Yes, who’s this?

“This is Detective Dwight from Chicago PD…”

[This makes me wake up a little, rubbing a hand over my face, I shuffle to sit up in bed, reaching out to switch the bedside light on, I stifle a yawn before speaking.]

What can I do for you Detective?

“We’ve found a body and your name is listed as the emergency contact.”

[All kinds of thoughts run through my mind, oh God, Arianna, please, I can’t lose another sibling, shaking my head for a few seconds, I inhale deeply and question who’s body it is. The name he gives, shocks me to my core, my breathing stops and my mind goes blank and I just about register the Detective's next words.]

“You’ll need to come to Chicago to identify the body, I’ll send you a message on this number with the details.”

[I briefly acknowledge his words and hang up, breathing deeply, trying to make sense of what I just heard. Instinct has me calling Arianna, the call rings and I hear her sleepy voice on the other end.]

“Ant? Why are you calling me so early in the morning?”

[This makes me look at the time on my phone, though it’s almost 5.30am for me, it’s 3.30am for her, I frown and let out a deep sigh.]

I’m sorry for waking you Anna, but I really needed to call you.

“What’s wrong? Is everything okay?”

I just got a call from a detective at Chicago PD…

“What? And?”

They’ve found a body Anna…it’s Jeremy….he’s…

[I can’t bring myself to finish the sentence, words stuck in my throat, I toss the covers off me and rise to my feet, I switch the main light on and open my wardrobe to grab a bag to begin putting some clothes in.]

“I’m sorry Ant…”

I need to go to Chicago but I can’t do it alone, I’m grabbing the next flight out…

“I’ll meet you at O’Hare airport, don’t leave the airport without me.”

Thanks Anna.

[I hang up and begin packing, I know I should call my brother and tell him, but part of me has to make sure that this is Jeremy before I do that. There’s a small chance this could be a mistake and it’s someone else. I make quick work of showering and getting dressed before booking my flight and soon I’m out of the apartment and in the back of a taxi. I send a quick message to my boss, requesting some personal days then send a message to Arianna enquiring about her flight details.

I’m sitting in the arrivals lounge when I hear my name being called out, I glance to the side and see my sister, instantly rising to my feet to wrap my arms around her, her hand soothing my back softly.]

“Oh Antonio”

[I stay silent, clenching my jaw for a few moments, just taking comfort in my sister’s embrace. After a few more minutes, I pull back, taking her bag from her.]

I’ve booked us two rooms at a nearby hotel, we’ll check in, leave our stuff and head to where we need to go.

[She nods her head and links her arm with mine as we walk to the exit.

We’re quick to check in and drop our luggage in our rooms, and then we’re outside the morgue. I stand still, staring up at the building until Arianna takes my hand, I look at her and inhale deeply before entering the building. There’s two officers inside having a conversation, I clear my throat and they look towards us.]

I’m looking for Detective Dwight?

“Antonio Falco?”

[I nod my head at the guy on the left, he steps to the side.]

“Follow me please.”

[Anna squeezes my hand softly as we follow the man through a set of doors, he leads us down a corridor, through another set of doors before stopping at a room. He opens the door and we follow him inside, he moves to stand by a table upon which a body lies. I feel Arianna squeezing my hand again, Detective Dwight looks from the body to us both.]

“If you could just nod your head as confirmation of the deceased’s identity.”

[It’s like slow motion, I step forwards, Detective Dwight lifts the white cloth from the face and everything stops again, I bite the inside of my cheek, I can make out his tattoos on the parts of his shoulders that are visible. I hesitate before touching his hand, he’s cold. Slowly, I find myself nodding my head, swallowing thickly as Detective Dwight murmurs something about condolences.

I can hear my sister beside me, she’s sniffling and probably staring at me. My eyes are beginning to well up but I hold my emotions at bay, is this how Dante felt when he saw the dead body of our sister? I slowly step closer to him, a hand tracing the outline of his jaw before settling on his cheek. I lift my head up to look at the Detective, forcing my voice to come out.]

How?

“Drug overdose.”

[I nod my head again, why am I surprised it’s something as mundane as that? Maybe I expected something supernatural to have occurred? Then again, he did always have a bad battle with his addiction and I guess he finally lost it. The detective mutters something else and then leaves the room. I sniffle and take a deep breath, stepping back away from the table, I walk around it, trying to make sense of my thoughts and feelings.

It isn’t until I reach a desk that I speak, turning my head to look at my sister, worry and concern clearly on her face.]

It’s not fair. This isn’t fair…this isn’t fucking fair!

[As I yell the last word, I kick out at the desk, twisting around to point at him as he lies there.]

I never got to ask him why he left, I never found out what I did or what I said that made him go.

“Ant…”

[Arianna cautiously edges around the table towards me, her hand curling around my wrist, I shake my head and shrug my shoulders.]

There’s a part of me that still loves him Anna, that will probably always love him, and now he’s gone…he’s gone Anna…

[I can’t hold it inside any longer, the tears I’d been holding in for the best part of 2 years finally releasing, my body shaking as I sob. Arianna steps forwards and wraps her arms around me and I bury my face against her shoulder, letting out every single emotion I’d buried deep inside me. Clutching on to her tighter, I let out a small scream against her shoulder, I can hear her sobbing with me, she’s not crying for him, she’s crying for me, one hand stroking my hair, the other my back.

After what feels like an age, I feel the sobs dying out, my grip on her loosening as I let her go, she lifts her hands to wipe my face for me before taking a tissue out to dab her own. I nod my head at her, silently thanking her for being here.

The door opens and the detective stands in the entrance, I compose myself and stand straighter, looking over at him.]

“Would you like to claim the body and take him with you? Or is there someone else we should be contacting?”

[I hadn’t thought of this, brows knitting together as my gaze travels from the police officer to Jeremy. Why was my number listed in his emergency contacts and not his aunt's? Another question which would be left unanswered.]

He’s got an aunt, you should probably call her.

[I give Detective Dwight her details and take one long look at Jeremy, my hand reaching for Arianna’s, needing her to lead me from the room else I wasn’t sure I would ever leave.

We’re both silent until we reach the hotel, Arianna stays with me in my room for a while, I’m sitting across the couch while she perches herself on the edge of the bed, she clears her throat, causing me to look up at her.]

“Dante needs to know.”

I know, but it’s not exactly a conversation I can have over the phone, we know what our brother is like and how so like Dad he can be, he’ll hold how he feels inside and then it’ll surface later with a big blowout.

“Well, instead of going back home, how about we go to him? We book a flight to Mystic Falls and then we can both tell him and be there for him.”

[I nod my head slowly and Arianna takes out her phone to book our flights, then gets up to leave.]

“I can stay here with you, you don’t have to be alone.”

No it’s fine, I’m just gunna shower and then get some rest.

[She nods her head and leaves me alone. I force myself to my feet, heading to the bathroom to run the shower, I strip off my clothing and stand beneath the running water, recalling Jeremy’s face. Resting my hands against the cool tiles, I find my body shaking slightly again, allowing myself to cry again, the tears getting washed away with the water from the shower.

One flight and a taxi ride later, Arianna and I reach our brother’s house. One bag slung over my shoulder, the other in my hand, waiting as Arianna rings the doorbell. We wait patiently and soon we hear footsteps on the other side and the door is opening, the wide eyes and grin of our brother greets us.]

“Ant, Anna, what are you both doing here?”

[He steps back and ushers us inside, I let the bags drop to the floor, Arianna hugs him first, probably knowing that I’ll need a longer one, and she’s right. As soon as I wrap my arms around Dante, I clutch him tightly, Dante returns the hug, his hand patting my back gently, then he’s pulling back, his hands cupping my cheeks, forcing me to look at him, and my eyes begin to well up again, I sniffle and shake my head. His brows furrow, his usual worried big brother look surfacing, his head turning to look at Arianna.]

“Arianna, what the fuck is going on?”

[She chews on her bottom lip and glances at me, keeping silent because she knows I need to be the one to tell him. I take in a deep breath and ignore my falling tears, my hands take hold of my brother’s hands and I have a sudden flashback to when Dante broke the news of Serafina’s death to us all. I breathe deeply and give his hands a gentle squeeze, putting my brother out of his misery and finally speaking.]

I got a call early this morning…Jeremy’s dead Dante…I couldn’t tell you over the phone, so we’re here.

[Dante scoffs for a moment, his gaze darting to Arianna and then back to me, he shakes his head and steps back, taking his hands from mine.]

“No…you’re…there’s gotta be some…”

[I shake my head at Dante.]

We’ve just been to Chicago to identify his body.

[Dante spins around and storms inside, my sister and I heading after him, he grabs a bottle of vodka and takes a long swig, I can see his body shaking slightly. He wipes his mouth, still holding the bottle in his hand, he shakes his head again and then he’s clenching his jaw and hauling the bottle against the wall. Arianna jumps a little while I take a wary step closer to our brother, a hand reaching for his shoulder, forcing him to look at me.]

He’s gone brother, he’s gone.

[Realisation covers his features and he’s hugging me again.]

“I’m sorry…I’m so sorry.”

[I shake my head and return the hug before pulling back so I can take a seat on the couch, Arianna moving to sit beside me, her arm wrapping around my shoulder. She looks from me to Dante, who is pacing the room, his thoughts probably running a million miles per second, he stops in front of us and kneels down, placing a hand on my shoulder.]

“I’ll call his aunt, find out what the arrangements are, and then we’ll say goodbye together.”

[I nod my head, sniffling again, Dante hugs me again and I just take comfort in my sibling’s embrace.

Years may have passed since either of us had seen Jeremy, but the realisation that he’s actually gone for good, is definitely breaking both of our hearts all over again, but I know as long as we have each other, we can face the pain together, as we always have done, and as hard as it may seem, at least now, we can finally let him go.]

[blazeofbrownie]

Becoming East and West

It's crazy how a single moment changed our lives. There we were, two ten year olds, sitting in our respective classes, listening to our teachers drone on about fractions or something, I can't quite remember, but then our names were called out over the PA system, requesting us to make our way to the principal's office.

I assumed the worst, something had happened to Mom or Dad, I remember slowly rising from my chair and trotting to the hallway and there you were, exiting your own class.

“Why do you think Ms Hall wants us?”

I simply shrugged my shoulders as we walked side by side to her office. My assumption grew when the secretary put her arms around us both and ushered us in to the principal's office. I wondered whether you thought the same as I did? Whether our twin telepathy, that always worked when we least expected it, made us think the same thing? I never did ask you.

We took our seats in front of the desk, I caught a glimpse of Ms Hall, speaking to a uniformed man and that's when I knew, something had indeed happened. My hand reached for yours, needing to give you the support and needing it myself. I couldn't bring my eyes up until Ms Hall sat before us, her expression was sad and then she broke the fateful news to us.

“Antonio, Arianna, there's been an accident, I'm so sorry but both of your parents are no more.”

Your hand returned the squeeze my hand gave, I could feel my eyes welling as I dropped my gaze to my lap, I could hear you mumbling and sniffling so I turned to put my arm around you. We sat there crying until a social worker appeared, telling us we'd have to be taken in to foster care until our next of kin could be located.

But that was an issue wasn't it? We didn't have any next of kin, Mom's parents had passed away some time ago, so had our grandmother on Dad's side. No one knew where our grandfather was. No aunts or uncles, not even a godparent. We were alone. Alone but together. She began explaining the processes involved in getting us housed with a carer, what would that mean for us? Would we remain in foster care until we turned 18? She never hid the statistics of a ten year old child getting adopted, which were dismal, so the chances of twins being adopted were slim to none, especially not by the same family. What would happen to us? What if we were separated? What if I lost you and became truly alone? My thoughts had made me cling to you, I couldn't lose you too, and I knew you thought the same because you held on to me just as tight, and they could see it too, they had to, they had no choice.

A silent prayer of two orphaned children was answered. We'd been in foster care for all of three weeks when the social worker showed up at the door, I'd thought she was there to take us to another place, because we hadn't settled in this home properly. We weren't eating, we sat quietly together when doing our homework and even when we weren't, we didn't talk to the other kids, even when they wanted to play with us. Maybe they'd had enough of us? I was mistaken.

We were being adopted, both of us, and not just by a single person but by a couple who already had two older children. I couldn't help but think why? Why would someone who had children already want more kids? More importantly, why did they want us?

The answers didn't matter in the end. We were escorted out of the foster home to the driveway and there they were, Ezio and Valentina Falco, the people who wanted to adopt us. I remember I looked over at you and you'd looked at me, and you voiced what I was thinking.

“If we don't try then we won't know.”

The Falcos took us to their home, and it was a big home, they sat us in their spacious living room as they filled out the necessary paperwork with the social worker, it wasn't until she left that they finally sat in front of us, they looked at us rather warily if I admitted. It was Valentina who spoke.

“We know you're scared and you probably don't trust anyone but that's okay, we will do everything we can to give you the best lives ever.”

She looked over at her husband and it seemed like they were exchanging silent words, Ezio cleared his throat then spoke.

“We’re not your average family, and we can't have you be part of the family without us sharing our biggest secret. See we're…vampires, but you don't need to be afraid of us, we don't kill and we drink from blood bags. Our…children are half vampire too. If this secret gets out, who knows what can happen. If we wanted to, we could force you to keep it, but we don't want to that, we want you to decide on your own.”

The look on their faces was enough to know they weren't lying, and it begged more questions, why would they tell us that? Why not just hide the truth and pretend? Then it bought me back to my original question, why did they want us? I looked over at you, and I wondered what you were thinking. They left us alone to think about it. Maybe we should say no? Go and live with another foster family, a 'normal' family, but then you spoke the voice of reason as your hand reached out for mine.

“If we say no then we won't find this again Ant, no one will want to have two kids who refused adoption especially since we can't tell the authorities their truth, it isn't our place and really, what do we have to lose?”

I couldn't answer because two people entered the room, we looked over at them, they were children but there was also something different about them. I deduced that these were the Falco children. The boy stood in front of us, he smiled the warmest smile I'd ever seen, as his hand stayed on his sister's shoulder.

“I'm Dante, and this is Serafina. You don't need to worry about anything, we'll look after you.”

We both stood up and as I looked up at him, I knew he was telling the truth, I knew we could trust him, so I turned to you and just nodded my head.

Dante's mother…our new mother entered the room again, one hand reached for Dante's shoulder while the other rested on yours.

“We’re a family now, and it will be the best decision you've ever made. The four of you will always need to stick together. I already had two points on the compass of my heart but now it's whole. North and South…”

She looked from Dante to Serafina then from you to me.

“…East and West. As long as you're together then you can accomplish anything.”

She left us alone and I looked over at Dante and at that point I knew that we'd never be alone again.

So if you lost a sister, someone's lost a mom, and if you lost a dad then someone's lost a son, and they're all missing out, yeah they're all missing out, so if you get a second to look down on me now, Mom, Dad I'm just missing you now

https://t.co/lYnETIOlYH

[blazeofbrownie]

Losing South

[I drop my bag as I enter my apartment, I hang my jacket up before moving to my room to lock away my service weapons. My gaze drops to the bedside table where I'd left my phone when I was hurrying in the morning. I grab it, frowning as I see missed calls and messages from Dante. Worryingly, I quickly press the call button to return his call, hearing his voice as he instantly answers.]

Dante? Is everything okay?

“Ant, I need you to come home.”

What? Home? Why?

“I can't explain over the phone, I've booked you a flight, I'll send you the details and I'll send a car to collect you when you land.”

[My brother is abrupt, hanging up without giving me the chance to reply. His message comes through almost instantly, I check over the flight details, before I decide there's no point in thinking anymore and packing is probably the best thing to do right now. I grab a bag from my wardrobe and toss it onto the bed, grabbing clothes from the wardrobe to pack. As I do, I dial my twin sister's number.]

“Ant!”

Hey Anna! Did Dante call you?

“You too huh? Well, I'm currently on the way to catch a plane to Mystic Falls as we speak. I had to leave work an hour after lunch, giving the ‘family emergency' spiel, it wasn't even so I could get home and pack and get to the flight, I had to go get Mom! D was specific in his instructions, I'm to bring Mom too, so trying to convince her to come was a chore in itself.”

[I chuckle at my sister's babbling, something that would never change. I take socks and underwear from the drawer and place them into the bag, placing my phone between my ear and shoulder so I can walk to the bathroom and talk to her at the same time.]

Did he say anything to you? Why he wants us there?

“No, he just said he'd explain when we got there, you?”

Same…

[I grab some toiletries and place them in the bag, along with my toothbrush and spare shoes, I look through the bag to make sure I have enough things but I'm certain my brother won't hesitate to buy anything that I'd be lacking. I take a seat on the edge of my bed so I can talk to her properly.]

“Do you think it's Dad?”

Dad…I don't know…it could be…

[Dad wasn't exactly father of the year, we'd be lucky if we received a birthday text from him. I sigh softly as I run a hand over my face.]

Guess we'll find out when we get there.

“Yeah…can't wait to see you!”

You too.

[A wide grin forms on my face, I may not know why my brother wants to see me, but I'm definitely looking forward to seeing them both. I make sure I have everything before calling my boss and requesting a few days of personal time, it takes a bit of convincing but he agrees, I lock up and hail a taxi to the airport.

When Dante said he'd booked my flight, what he meant was he'd hired a private jet, which meant I didn't need to go through customs or anything and I could have bought more stuff with me, I shake my head as I board the plane. I know the flight won't be long and I'd be in Mystic Falls soon.

--------------------------

There's a guy holding a board with my name, I spot him as soon as I exit the airport. I wave over at him and he's instantly reaching for my bag, gesturing for me to follow him to the car. I slide into the back while he drops my bag into the trunk before getting in to the car. As he drives, I take my phone out to call Arianna.]

Flight's landed, I'm on the way there. How's everything there?

[Arianna's voice drops low, she inhales softly before speaking.]

“Dante’s wearing his serious face…if that doesn't ring alarm bells then I don't know what else does. Ant…Dad's here too, it's a treat being in the same room with him and Mom.”

Did Dante say anything?

“I haven't had the chance to speak to him alone.”

Who else is there?

“Arielle is here, I saw Linc as she was leaving.”

We'll find out soon then, I'm almost there.

[She disconnects the call and I shake my head, already picturing her scampering down the hall to the front door. The car pulls up and as I'd thought, Arianna is there, bouncing on her feet, waiting for me to get out of the car, it isn't until I see her that I realise exactly how much I'd missed her, having not seen her in months.

As soon as I slide out of the car, she's bounding over and almost knocks the breath out of me as she hugs me, I grunt as my back hits the car lightly but then my arms are wrapping around her frame, squeezing her tightly, she pulls back and looks at me, her eyes searching mine, she places her hands on my cheeks.]

“Still the same aren't you?”

[I glance down at the floor in answer to her question, choosing to give her cheek a kiss, I gift her with a half smile as I reach for my bag from the driver. She takes my hand and leads me inside, as soon as my mother sees me, she rushes over and engulfs me in her arms.]

“I’ve missed you Antonio, why haven't you visited?”

I missed you too Mom.

[I give her cheek a kiss before moving past her to see my Dad, I give him a brief hug and ask him how he is, though my attention darts to Dante as soon as he walks in to the living room and it's me who runs to him, giving him a big hug.]

Damn, I missed you brother.

“It’s so good to see you Ant.”

[He pats my back and takes a good look at me, there's sadness in his eyes but he tries to brush it off with a smile, he gestures to the couch so I move to sit beside Arianna. Dante closes the door and moves to stand in front of us all, he inhales deeply but before he can speak, Mom speaks.]

“Seeing as you've called this…family meeting? We should really wait for the whole family to be here? Serafina isn't here, so let's wait for her to join us.”

[It's only when Mom mentions her, do I look around the room, my gaze travels to Arianna who shrugs her shoulders and then we both look to our big brother. He hesitates for a moment then moves to kneel before our Mom.]

“Mom…Sera isn't coming.”

“What do you mean she isn't coming? You did call her right? I know she's stubborn but I'm sure if you told her to come, she'd listen.”

[Dante takes Mom's hands into his, lifting them to his lips for a few seconds, and then I can see the tears falling from his eyes and I already know what he's going to say before he says it. The things I've had to tell families as part of my job.]

“Mom…Sera is dead.”

[His words hit like a ton of bricks, Arianna stands and starts pacing, shaking her head, repeating the word 'no', Dad remains silent while Mom shoves Dante away from her, rising to her feet.]

“Are you out of your mind? She's not dead, Arianna, call your sister now.”

[Dante rises too, Arianna stops and stares from Mom to Dante and then to me, the look on both of our faces show we believe Dante, there's no way our brother would lie. In an instant, I'm by Arianna's side, my arm curls around her shoulder and I bring her closer, she buries her face against my shoulder and I can already feel her body shaking as she sobs, my gaze darts to my brother.]

What happened?

“She got involved with some wrong people and it got her killed…”

[He looks from me to Dad and then back again.]

“I handled it.”

[I close my eyes and bite the inside of my cheek, in not so much words, Dante just admitted he'd killed the people responsible, what does that mean for my moral compass? I'm a police officer and I've sworn to uphold the law and here's my brother, openly telling me he'd killed some people in revenge for our sister's death. Not wanting to think about that, I simply wrap my other arm around Arianna, holding her against me as she cries her heart out. Mom refuses to accept it at first, that's until Dad rises to his feet, he stands before her and places his hands on her shoulders, I watch intently, wondering what he'll say.]

“She’s dead Valentina, our daughter is dead. She's gone and she's not coming back.”

[I watch as Mom breaks down, Dad holds her against him while looking over at Dante, who clearly looks more broken that before.]

“Where is she?”

[Dante runs his hand over his face and composes himself before answering.]

“We buried her…here.”

[Dante stands outside the room, I pull back from Arianna, my hands wiping her cheeks, she inhales deeply and clutches my hand as I lead her outside. We follow Dante out to the garden, stopping when we reach the gravestone with her name on. My gaze remains on Serafina's name, recalling the many memories we had with her, especially from when we'd first moved out to New Mexico, she'd done everything to make sure we were fitting in at school and that we weren't missing Dad and Dante so much. The vast array of memories causes tears to fill in at eyes, I lift a hand to wipe them away, unable to stay there any longer, I release Arianna's hand and saunter back inside.

Dante and Arianna find me sitting on Dante's bed, holding the photograph of the four of us, he sighs and sits next to me, his arm sliding around my shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze, Arianna perches herself against the dresser, folding her arms against her chest. I sniffle a little and look up at him, my thumb circling Serafina's face.]

We lost South.

[Mom used to say the four of us were her four points on a compass, Dante being North because if any of us were ever lost, we only need to find North and we'd find our way back. Arianna was East and I was West, opposites to each other but never apart, the two always went together. Serafina was South.

My words cause his jaw to clench, he’s holding back his emotions, something our big brother has always done. He nods his head slowly, his other hand reaching out for Arianna, she takes his hand and moves to stand by him, he looks from me to her.]

“I’m sorry I didn't tell you guys when it happened, I couldn't involve you both and I wanted you to know that I'd dealt with the situation. Now Ant, I know this is difficult for you, you're a cop and hearing about me doing what I did…but this was all things supernatural and I made a promise that I would never involve you both in this side of our life.”

[There's silence at first, him pleadingly looking at me, but it's Arianna who speaks.]

“You don't need to apologise, you did what any brother in your situation would do.”

[I arch a brow and look up at her, she rolls her eyes and moves to sit on the other side of me.]

“Don’t give me that look Antonio. Are you telling me that if the same happened to me, that you wouldn't do the same for me?”

Anna ..

“Don't Anna me, answer the question.”

[I frown at her because she knows the answer to that question, I would do anything for her. My frown grows deeper at my own double standards, here I am, mentally condoning my brother for doing what I would have done in his place. I turn to look at him.]

Can it be traced back to you?

[He perks his brows as he looks at me, the look on his face is my answer so I merely nod my head, the small frown remaining on my lips.]

I'm sorry Dante…I know how hard this must be for you, Sera was your blood…

[Dante glares at me, quickly cutting me off.]

“You're my blood too. Don't you ever think any differently, understand? Stop being an idiot Antonio.”

[My sister smacks my arm lightly, glaring at me, I look from her to him, holding my hands up in defence.]

Alright, I'm sorry, don't kill me with the glaring.

[They both continue to glare but quickly start laughing, I place the photo on my lap, wrapping arms around both of them. There's silence again but then Dante speaks.]

“You need to listen, both of you, if you're ever stuck in any problem, I don’t care what kind, I don't care if I already have the weight of the world on my shoulders, you come and tell me, is that clear?”

[Arianna and I look at each other and then to Dante, nodding our heads, making Dante crack another smile. We hear our mother calling Arianna so she quickly ambles out of the room, leaving Dante and I alone, I turn to him, giving him my full attention.]

I know you're worried about me, I can see it in your eyes, but I'm fine, honestly, work has been really busy so there's loads of late nights, but I am doing good.

[I let my lips curve upwards in a smile, leaning in to give him a hug, he holds on a little longer than usual, and I let him, knowing he finds it hard to express his grief sometimes, I pat his back softly.]

You're not alone Dante, even if we're hours away, we're always here for you.

[He pulls back and nods his head, leaving the room and leaving me alone with my thoughts again.

North, South, East, West.

North and South, East and West.

South is lost.

North, East, West are left.

North.

East.

West.

Incomplete without South.]

[blazeofbrownie]

Broken.

It’s painful dealing with loss, and there’s no time limit on how long it takes one to overcome the grief, or the extent to how it affects them. On the outside they may seem the happiest person around, but on their own, they could be falling apart in so many ways. It’s strange, the way one affects another, you could be close with someone for years but you don’t feel the loss when you slowly drift apart, but meeting and losing someone who you’ve only known a short while can be just as painful.

You would think it would be easier losing someone twice, no, it’s just as painful, if not worse the second time round, especially since any misunderstandings were cleared in the process of reuniting. So what does a person do when they lose someone for the second time? When the heartache feels like it’s doubled? When you want nothing more but to run away from it all? Do you hide yourself from the outside world until you stop feeling anything? Do you continue to plaster a fake smile on your face and pretend you’re not dying inside?

I turn my head away from the ceiling to the bedside table where the alarm clock is ringing, breaking my train of thoughts, I extend a hand and switch the thing off, placing a hand over my face as I expel a deep sigh, staying where I am for the time being, though I know I’ll need to get up and get ready for work in a short while. I was given two weeks off from the job that I’d only been in for half a day, which was perfectly ideal at the time, two weeks off to care for Jeremy after the shooting.

It was sometime between leaving the hospital and arriving back to my apartment, that a decision had been made without me, that would impact me in ways I wouldn’t believe. I don't know what was going through Jeremy's mind, did he realise he'd made a mistake and was better off without me? Or did he feel he wasn't good enough and I was better off without him? Especially since it had only been a week since we'd reconciled and the shooting happened which almost took my life. Either way, it hurt like fuck. Though what did I do? Did I beg him to stay? Did I run after him trying to understand? No, I just stood by my door and watched him leave, not having a single rational thought in my mind as he stepped in to the taxi and left for good.

Dante was the first person I called after it had happened, they were best friends after all, surely if anyone knew what was going through his head, it would be my brother? He had no clue either, he was confused and maybe even angry, and though he assured me that everything would be okay, I’d hung up and refused to answer any more of his calls for the rest of the day.

Anna called me in an instant after my call with Dante, the twin telepathy running rampant again, she'd sensed I needed her. I poured my heart out to her and she listened, ready to jump on a plane to support me, but I discouraged her, there was nothing more either of us could do, except let me pick up the pieces and move on.

Forcing myself out of bed and to the bathroom to shower, I’m soon dressed in my uniform, smoothing it out before grabbing my laptop bag and leaving the apartment, heading in to the precinct. I’m greeted by friendly faces and I flash a few smiles to my colleagues while taking my seat at my desk, removing the laptop out of the bag and placing it on the desk, I click the power button and wait for it to load up, staring back at my reflection.

So which one am I? I spent two weeks cut off from the outside world, and now here I am, plastering a smile upon my face and pretending everything is okay, whatever the case, I’m still broken.

[blazeofbrownie]

Family Dynamics

I wanted to follow in my brother's footsteps, I wanted to be like him, he'd always been my idol, I'd always looked up to him, even from a young age. It shouldn't have been this hard though.

"You don't need to go to college Isa, you'll be joining me at the shop."

I stared at my father, dumbfounded. Was he serious? A glance in my brother Marcus' direction, when he'd announced he was going to Quantico to train to become an FBI agent, there was no one happier than our father. Brows furrowed together as I shifted my stance and crossed my arms across my chest.

"But I don't want to join the shop, I want to do what Marcus does, I want to become an agent."

"You don't know what you want Isabella, you're young, naïve, it's better this way."

"You never objected when Marcus joined!"

"Marcus is a man! You are a girl! The world is completely different for the likes of you."

I scoffed. What world was our father living in? What century even?! His backward thoughts and outdated misconceptions about the world weren't going to come in the way of my future.

"Just because you're stuck in the 50's, and can't see how far the world has come, doesn't mean I am going to throw away my life and sit behind a counter! I am going to Quantico!"

"Isabella! If you know what is good for you, then you will obey me!"

"I know what is good for me dad! And if you won't support me then I will support myself!"

"Dad, Isabella is more than capable of..."

"Marcus, don't bother advocating for her, she doesn't have what it takes to survive out there. I've made my decision."

"So have I."

Marcus couldn't stop me from storming away to my room, I could hear him try and reason with our father, but even his pleas fell on deaf ears. I would prove my father wrong, no matter how long it took.

Enrolling into college wasn't hard, it was the long nights where I'd have to work in order to pay for it. Marcus helped of course, but I couldn't rely on my big brother all the time. I'd moved out of my family home and into the college dorms in no time, neither my mother or father tried to stop me, and seeing the determination on my face, Marcus didn't try to either. I kept my head down and focused on my studies, passing with flying colours, I was happy when I graduated but even more happier when my application for training at Quantico was accepted.

--------------------------------

It would take several years. There were times during my training where I'd find it too hard and want to give up, but I'd remember my father's harsh words and they propelled me forwards. Every tough moment I faced, I recalled my father's angry expression, his stubbornness in wanting his own way, his lack of understanding or compassion, they all pushed me towards my destination.

When I was given the amazing news of being one of the select few who passed their training, the news of becoming an agent, I wanted nothing more than to call home and share my happiness, and I did, but only with Marcus, knowing he would relay it back to our parents.

At the graduation ceremony, as I was given my badge, I looked out to the crowd, with some resemblance of hope in my eyes, perhaps learning that I'd done the impossible, my father would realise his mistake and finally be proud.

Hope could only be met with despair. There was the ecstatic and immensely proud brother of mine, but no parents in sight. I strolled over to him, and returned his embrace, the look of disappointment covered my features.

"His ego is bigger than his heart, isn't it?"

"Isa..."

"No, it's fine Marcus. He can keep his ego, but he's lost me. For good."