blizzardjessica-blog

[blizzardjessica-blog]

I’m sorry

I’m sorry for letting my depression weaken the core of my being

I’m sorry my depression is sprung on others that leads to them feeling they are to blame

I’m sorry for allowing toxicity into my soul

I’m sorry for always losing my cool

I’m sorry for having depression

I’m sorry for venting to any soul about it

I’m sorry for being too much and too little at times

I’m sorry for losing you over my depression

I’m sorry for not being good enough

I’m sorry for the struggle I openly endure because of my mental struggles

I’m sorry I let down everyone even myself and my unborn daughter

I’m sorry I’m swallowing in this again

[blizzardjessica-blog]

Humbledmommy

2 months back, I was begging god for a sign for me to stay here.

I was praying so much I didn’t know what else to do or where else to turn.

I was in a state of absolute self hatred,hatred in general for my once social life now that has completely fell off the band wagon into this loneliness, me and I social world.

I gave up on myself. Slowly I made others leave. One night, I was clutching my blanket so hard, tears never ending until I realized my blanket was soaked. Made me question did I accidentally spill water or did I seriously cry that much. Depression is no joke. I turned to god in that moment. I prayed for the light, I prayed for love, I prayed for something to make me see this world wasn’t all of what I’ve seen growing up. I prayed for understanding, I prayed for forgiveness because I too have sinned on many people just because of my own personal shortages. I prayed for my answer, something to grab onto that’ll never make me stop fighting for my life.

Which in all lead me to discover my blessing that is my child.

Now I’ve never believed that god gives you a baby when you need something to make life worth living because a baby is so much more then a blessing or something to completely make you do a 360 entirely on its own.

But in my case, god blessed me at the right time.

I can honestly say my baby has brought light into my life and a feeling I just can’t describe.

God answered my prayers in his own magical way that lead me into having the most important job that in my life I’ll ever have.

Granted pregnancy so far for me has been a world win of emotion, pain, heartache for losses that soon followed suit when I announced.

But I truly wouldn’t have it any other way because I am still here because life has just begun for my own little one. I plan on being everything and more because my child deserves that.

And if you’ve treated me a certain type of way the past month due to your disappointment in me as a person for becoming a mother at 21 years old. Then that seems like a you issue, and I truly have no reason to hear out your explanation.

I won’t allow anyone to make me feel less then because god said it was time.

Cause I cannot guarantee 100% I would be here right this minute if this didn’t happen nor pushing as hard to make changes.

I didn’t vow as a young child to take care of myself, I vowed to be a better parent then my said parents were. So that entirely makes you feel so lost because once you finish ur schooling. It’s like man, I was pushing this long to survive and what for? I don’t even care about myself because I was truly never taught too by the correct ones. So you find yourself in this emotional, unhealthy lingo where ur tip toeing on the edge until ur tipping over to fall but never having the courage to hurt others as it was done to you or you fail so many times at it. You just swallow in that bed, have no motivation. You allow yourself to swallow in it because that is all you have known. It’s enjoyable. If anyone feels this way please know to jump out of it. Admit your wrongs. Admit you enjoy the pity party show because the minute you get to the healing of the chaos you endured, that’s when you will start feeling proud, excited, all the motivation in the world for yourself because you aren’t a victim forever. You were a victim of that said situation that you are no longer in anymore.

It’s so humbling becoming a mommy. I’m truly blessed 💯♥️💯

And sorry for ranting this has just been on my mind a lot: if you read this. Thank you 🙏🙏

[blizzardjessica-blog]

Goodbye 03/07/19,Hello future

March 7th 2019

I was going to take my life. I felt as if the air was no longer mine to breathe. The water was no longer mine to drink, and life no longer flowed within me spiritually. As I sat writing goodbye letters to my loved ones I found myself in utter despair lifting my arms up telling God “ I just need an answer” full heartedly believing the answer was not being here. I stayed living in this victim mindset for years which as a youngin growing up people use to comfort that. Being a grown up you quickly have everyone leave because if you can’t help yourself how can others? So again there I was all alone. I was so busy focusing on my past. My traumas never allowing room in my soul to grow/move on. It took me years to get to this place of sanity where I know I can’t continue in that mindset. All God did was answer my prayers. He sure did listen. He chose to bless me with a baby girl. I am 26 weeks and 6 days pregnant now. It threw me a huge curve ball at first because all the worries came rushing back. What if’s, will I be good enough for her. The usual thought “ I wasn’t for people who were suppose to love me anyhow no matter what,so I can be not good enough for her” When that test was positive. I felt so many emotions because I never allowed help for my soul nor healing. I found myself slowly sinking in a depression far worse then I ever experienced before. This was before I found out I was in my early stages of pregnancy. There I was two weeks before begging for someone’s helping hand because I couldn’t crawl out of the hole on my own. I can honestly say my daughter did save my life. Without her I would not be a person breathing today. This experience has truly opened my eyes to the meaning of life. No matter the difficulties that we may experience in our future I know she was meant to be.

The whole reason I am writing this out is because I want to bring awareness to the fact that you shouldn’t allow yourself to get to the extent of despair. No one can help you but you. Depression and anxiety can take a toll even worse if you don’t have the courage to fight the healing battle. It took me becoming a mother for the first time to get myself in the process of helping my mental health on my own. I don’t want that to be the case for others because adding a baby to ur unstable life may not work for you as it has for me. It can make things become even more hectic and throw you into a even bigger loop. Yes, my baby saved my life but going through the emotions/motions of bringing her into the world so far has made me realize it was selfish of me to have such a blessing in the time of my mental state being gone. It’s put a ton of weight on my shoulders even more so then normally you would have in becoming a mother later on. I know they say you can never be 100% ready but do yourself a favor and get close to it before starting to be someone else’s light.

Much love to everyone xoxo