boytummytuesday

[boytummytuesday]

not really happy with my life at the moment. i love my dad but i feel guilty that he does so much for me and i do little to reciprocate. ive started casually smoking cigarettes, and i smoke marijuana whenever i can afford it. on days where i dont have university, i dont leave my house and i play overwatch for 10-11ish hours a day. i enjoy it, and i enjoy streaming it. my relationshhip with my mother is very shaky but overall negative. shes constantly stressing and worrying about me, and i know she means well but i cant help but respond bitterly whenever she says something that even just slightly annoys me. im scared that im going to drop out of university, because i just dont quite have passion or motivation at the moment. i finished high school about 4 months ago, and other then the school formal, i havent really spoken to or heard from anyone that i used to be 'friends' with, except for 1 who is one of my closest friends. im very grateful for him. i always felt isolated in school and leaving has made it apparent to me that i was never truly that influential in any of their lives. my identity still haunts me often, i spent the years 2021-current publically identifying as a transgender girl, but as years go on, my trust in that label dwindles. it is my current belief that if i were to go on hormones and publically presenting in a feminine way that i would feel more confident in life, and it is clear to me that this middle ground way of living that i have found myself in drives people away and causes problems for myself. im not trans, and im not cis either. i really hate my body. im skinny and tall and lanky and not particularly fit in any way. i used to believe myself to be attractive growing up, but the only time i feel pretty is when men who are far too old for me call me attractive on gr*ndr. i still miss and think often about my ex girlfriend, whom broke up with me in april 2022. i hotly anticipate the 3 year anniversary of us dating in a few months, not because anything would happen, but just because i loved her so much. i've been considering entering therapy and finding hormone treatment as soon as possible, but its hard most days to do anything at all. i also believe that finally getting an adhd diagnosis that i have been virtually begging my parents for since i was a pre-teen will help me finish my uni degree and not drop out. i would quite like to find a nice circle of friends that are divorced from my online life, people who i can smoke with and go to parties with and just feel good about having in my life. i had these people in high school, but as i mentioned earlier, i simply lost that track of my life. perhaps i shall use tumblr as a diary more frequently, or maybe this will be the last post of mine of this nature. im deeply unsatisfied with my way of living, but i dont have the commitment or the strength or the discipline to change it.

[boytummytuesday]

tumblr redeption now!

[boytummytuesday]

I finished it:')

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[boytummytuesday]

a butterfly's dream.

[boytummytuesday]

zen should play a bass i think

[boytummytuesday]

illustration & charm design for zenyatta zine

[boytummytuesday]

illustration for florawatch zine With a beautiful fic Blue by Naopao

[boytummytuesday]

[boytummytuesday]

[boytummytuesday]

pretty girl: *exist* usagi&minako:  😍😍😍

[boytummytuesday]

A favor, pls no bully.

|♫ Bon Bon ♫|

[boytummytuesday]

capybara #142: it's the small moments that matter

[boytummytuesday]

mondays without better call saul :(

[boytummytuesday]

you can't help it, so stop apologizing and accept it. embrace it.

[boytummytuesday]

[boytummytuesday]

[boytummytuesday]

𝓿𝓲𝓪 : 𝓽𝓮𝓻𝓾𝓫𝓸𝓼𝓼𝓾 𝓸𝓷 𝓽𝔀𝓲𝓽𝓽𝓮𝓻 ♥︎