braindumpdiary

[braindumpdiary]

August 23rd 2020

Sam,

Yesterday we had your birthday party. I didnt go to such extreme lengths this time. But you still enjoyed it. And im glad. I want you to have good birthdays. Good nights and days with friends. But last night as i was falling asleep, something dawned on me. I dont have a lot of trust for you anymore. Ive been pondering where i lost it. I just keep thinking about my one conversation with Jeff. He was so worried youd fuck larissa if i wasnt home. I thought it was quite laughable. Eventually he made me a tad paranoid. But not to a bad point. I trusted you. Even if we werent together. Now. I dont know. I have barely any trust. I worry about the dumbest things.

Another thing i kind of realized is i dont like when tou say certain things to me. And im afraid to bring it up to you.

It shouldnt be this way

A letter to Sam

December 12th, 2019

Dear Sam, 

Today has been one of those days where everything is bothering me and I feel the need to confess to you, once again, how many troubles I am having with us. And that’s what it comes down to. I miss us. I miss you. I still think you are the one for me. I still honestly think ill think that for a long time. I know no one truly understands. No one has seen us at our best. No one has seen us happy together. It bothered me at one point, but now I just remember all the nights we have laughed so hard. I always know if we are having a good time and everything is going well, we will be spending the night joking, teasing, playing games, and having a blast. You confuse me so much, I can tell you aren’t quite sure what you want. Or what you feel. It frustrates me so fucking much. And I get it I really do but I am a person with feelings and telling someone who has worked for years to make you happy that you see no future in them is fucking brutal. I worked so hard. For us, for our family. And I know it was hard for you to walk away, but the easiest part for you was leaving me it seems. You still love my body, you still love to fuck me, but you don’t want to be with me. You don’t love me. And at this point, I’m curious to know if you ever did? 

One day I’m going to give you a collection to all these letters that I’m writing to you here. Because i think sometimes its good to understand why others are hurting. But more because i want you to understand. Understand why every time i think of you with someone else i get sick to my stomach. Every time i think about you single i get nauseous. 

Once i move on again, once im finally over you, will you want me back again? because that’s what the past has told me. And this time I’m actually moving on.

[braindumpdiary]

Despair comes a knocking. Telling her she'll never have anyome who will love her like she wants. There will be no fairy tale that she so desperately wants. No one to save her. No one coming. She reaches out in the dark, for anyone or anything to give her hope. But its all gone. All thats left is Despair.

[braindumpdiary]

As she lays there trying to fall asleep, so hopeful the next day will be better than the last. Hoping the demons called Despair and Anguish will let her rest. She doesnt want to dream about them. She doesnt want to let the demons win, not let them turn her dreams to nightmares. She just wants to love herself. For her own warmth to be enough.

Why isnt it enough?

[braindumpdiary]

01/20/2020

I just need to dump so much out it feels.

But i dont even know how

Rhe hormone drop is making things hard

And i should of never gor someone else involved in my mess. I honestly feel so dum for dking that. I have to cut ties and i am sad. I have been interested in him for awhile even if i didnt want to admit it. I showed him too much to get so little back. Im obviously not ready. But i would of liked to think that it would of eventually turned out okay. Id probably be kidding myself. But who cares. If you cant be hopeful about shit you will die a miserable bastard. To feel and open up over and over again is strength. I patch myself up after every single time i give a small piece of me away. I always have. Every single one. Every single time. Because the majority still haunt my dreams. Boys who ive never had anything with. I want to say im pathetic but i think maybe i jusy have to learn not to give parts of me away so easy

[braindumpdiary]

A letter to Sam

December 12th, 2019

Dear Sam, 

Today has been one of those days where everything is bothering me and I feel the need to confess to you, once again, how many troubles I am having with us. And that's what it comes down to. I miss us. I miss you. I still think you are the one for me. I still honestly think ill think that for a long time. I know no one truly understands. No one has seen us at our best. No one has seen us happy together. It bothered me at one point, but now I just remember all the nights we have laughed so hard. I always know if we are having a good time and everything is going well, we will be spending the night joking, teasing, playing games, and having a blast. You confuse me so much, I can tell you aren't quite sure what you want. Or what you feel. It frustrates me so fucking much. And I get it I really do but I am a person with feelings and telling someone who has worked for years to make you happy that you see no future in them is fucking brutal. I worked so hard. For us, for our family. And I know it was hard for you to walk away, but the easiest part for you was leaving me it seems. You still love my body, you still love to fuck me, but you don't want to be with me. You don't love me. And at this point, I'm curious to know if you ever did? 

One day I'm going to give you a collection to all these letters that I'm writing to you here. Because i think sometimes its good to understand why others are hurting. But more because i want you to understand. Understand why every time i think of you with someone else i get sick to my stomach. Every time i think about you single i get nauseous. 

Once i move on again, once im finally over you, will you want me back again? because that's what the past has told me. And this time I'm actually moving on.

#letterstosam lettertosam

[braindumpdiary]

12/7/2019

Man, fuck you. Youre right. You have the shittest taste in women. Because you have no fucking taste. Youll go for anyone you shows you the slightest amount of attention. So yeah

[braindumpdiary]

12/5/2019

I'm not even too sure how I feel which causes me more anxiety than not. I slept with him again it was great. 3 days of trying my hardest and putting boundaries on if I was going to let myself sleep with him. And i didnt use one of those boundaries. I threw them all away. My therapist says that I'm determined to get better to do better to move on but I still do the same things that I used to do I'm trying her I'm pushing myself out of my comfort zones and trying to be as mature as possible it's really hard and I don't know if I'm doing that well. He slept with her Sunday night waited all day to tell me and then spazzed at me the next day when I blocked him slept together Monday and Tuesday so a week after. I dont know why i did it other than i was just super horny. Idk if hes seen her just once. Idk if hes seen her multiple times. Idk if im gonna see him in the future. Divian says that im trying to love myself, but i dont know how. I think i was trying super hard by not sleeping with him. But i dont even know. M just sad maybe. This is the part thats getting me

[braindumpdiary]

11/29/2019

What the actual fuck

He actually slept with her

What a vindictive prick. What a fucking asshole. I wanna scream until im blue in the face. Tell him i am going ride kyles dick into the sunset, date him again, and statt a family. I want to tell him hes never seeing the dog again. Thats hes a literal piece of trash that threw away the best thing he ever had. That i regret ever working hard on him and that i give up. On him, on us, on any future. That hes worse than kyle. By far. All to get his dick wet. That hes turned into the dude he hates. Im so fucking mad. Im so fucking sad. Im having such a hard time. I fucking hate him