bullshitallergies

[bullshitallergies]

GREEK WEDDING HAIRSTYLES 2013 PICTURES

[bullshitallergies]

I'm getting married so I felt the need to hit it from all anglea.

[bullshitallergies]

Suicide is hands down the most attractive option available at this point in my useless life.

Here we are again. After quitting crack, followed by quitting ice, followed by quitting alcohol, followed by quitting dope, followed by quitting dope AGAIN (months later) followed by quitting ice and I'm back again, strung out on heroin because Kenny is godamn incapable of quitting any drug without having something else to take that's inevitably just as addictive. We have tried using suboxone, which I've done well with and easily transitioned back into sobriety. But the fuckingreality, the glaring truth of it all, is that Kenny isn't interested in any real sober living. Without some kind of narcotic he makes his life and mine a fucking living hell. Every word is negative, nothing can be discussed without things becoming explosive, everything happening is my fault and what does all the rage and discord lead to? A fucking excuse to do more drugs. So, here we fuxking are, sick every second of the day, unable to make any positive changes, unable to get any kind of work, starving because we cant afford food, unable to even do a couple 9f loads of laundry because that would involve effort and money that simply doesn't exist.

Less than a month ago after the last awful, never ending, emotionally abusive and draining meth bender, I told Kenny I was done with dealing with the person he becomes when ice is involved and that the next time he decided to use waa going to be the last time for me. The last thing in the world I want is to lose Kenny, he is my world, I could expound on the amazing man he is or the incredible changes I've made within myself to be a good partner to him forever, but I'm tired of trying to keep my sanity while navigating his various moods and temper tantrums that occur as a result of this ridiculous up and down cycle of drug use.

And here th fuck we are. Strung again. Using every last godamn dollar I have to make sure we dont get sick. NOT THAT IT'S EVER ENOUGH. I think I'd die of shock if the man was ever satisfied or God forbid, said thank you. We cant afford to buy food, we cant afford to do laundry, we have nothing. I feel so completely alone and like I'm responsible for everything in our lives. The pressure is crushing my spirit. My relationship with my mother is strained because I'm consistently having to ask her for more or having to make up some lie to cover for myself. For the most part I have to beg Kenny for sex, I feel like such a reject. I dont know what to do anymore. I have no interest in cutting Kenny out of my life but I'm unable to think of what more I can do to encourage him to help himself and help our family. Apparently all I say to him is that he's 'worthless' and 'useless.' I dont know what to say or do to let him know that while I dont feel he is either of those things, the lack of contribution on a financial level is a HUGE deal and we have got to find a way to change it soon. I am not a one woman army and my mom is not the damm giving tree. I need decent food, I need clean clothes and bedding, I need gas , I need cigarettes etc etc etc. I can barely afford this stuff on my own, I want to give Kenny everything but I CANT, I need his help. It all just makes me feel like total shit. Basically my entire life and the world around me in general seem completely engineered to make me feel like a useless piece of human garbage, probably because I totally am.

I dont know how to change this. I know that u can not do drugs I've proved that repeatedly. Am I supposed to just do my best to get what I can taken care of and in the meantime buy Kenny whatever drugs he needs while also being strong enough to not do any myself ? How am I supposed to actually work towards getting a job and then work a job in this scenario? I don't know what to do at all. I am unhappy in so many ways, yet Kenny makes me happy in so many other ways. And I couldn't be more pissed that we've missed the fucking food bank.

I just want the world to explode .

[bullshitallergies]

Agitation, in List Format.

1. People who think the two party political system is working and/or actually believe that there’s any less corruption or privatized corporate sponsorship or personal greed and lack of ethical code to be found in one party or the other.

2. People who believe that things can be changed from within the system without restructuring the whole system.

3. Gay men who feel like they have some sort of pass to grab female friends simply because they are homosexual.

4. Single folks who are constantly posting “men are this” “women do this” memes just because they feel rejected and lonely. As if things are black and white when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

5. Getting real tired of feeling like I’m classified as a TERF just because I don’t believe that transwomen represent and encompass the full spectrum of female existence. They don’t. Reproductive rights are not a trans issue, they are a women’s issue.

6. Folks telling people what is or isn’t appropriate to post on social media. I’ve seen at least three people today alone posting memes chiding people for revealing too much or complaining about personal problems when they are also guilty of it. Let people have their fucking forum.... which leads us to:

7. If anything should be censored on Facebook it’s how many times a day I have to see your ugly ass selfies. Ten a day should be plenty for even the most desperate and thirsty people seeking plebeian level validation from internet strangers.

8. People who shouldn’t be drug dealers. Like, cmon not everyone is gonna be Scarface but would it kill you to be on time and deliver what you promise? I’ve had shit so weak today elementary school kids are complaining that they didn’t even feel a rush. Fuck.

9. People being Fucking disrespectful in my house! Don’t come by without calling unless you’re a bestie. Trap somewhere the fuck else. Contribute to the house if you need to stay for a night or two. Don’t steal my shit. Follow my rules. Be respectful of us and of my neighbors. IF I ASK YOU TO KEEP IT DOWN THEN KEEP IT THE FUCK DOWN. Stop dropping everything and then acting like somebody got you, you high, forgetful, accusatory motherfuckers.

[bullshitallergies]

Snap Judgements For The New Year!

January 15, 2018 1:30 am

Woods Ave.

1:30 am- wasn’t really super prepared for company at 4:30 pm on a Sunday but I was grateful that ash and dude came by considering I wasted all my money on trash. I’m used to ash’s lazy ass gay joke making self but I originally had no intention of doing any speed and I don’t regret the choice to partake, but I really want this dude to stop carpet farming and either sit still and stop dropping things every 30 seconds or leave.

1:34 am: omg can you sit the Fuck down dude.

1:36 am: this shit is super clean feeling and nice. It’s making me want to write all the words and fuck all the Kenny Owen.

1:37 am: I’m serious I really want to bang my Kenny rn.

1:38 am: I’m terrified that I’ve done hard to come down from chemicals without having any pot around. Pot is my rock.

1:38 am: every day I am 25-90% completely bummed out about and missing my Boognish. He is about to turn 11 yo and before we know it he’s going to be over hanging out and being interested in adults. It kills me to be away from him and it kills me that because I’m involved and she hates me so much, Kenny’s mom has limited Cortlands ability to see or even talk on the phone with Kenny. I am beyond secondary in this situation. I don’t matter at all, but Kenny matters. Cortland needs his father. Kenny needs his boog. Kenny doesn’t like to talk about any of this I know it’s the worst thing he’s ever had to deal with ( which is fucking saying something) but I wish that he could just talk rationally to his mother with rational results, which is a Fucking pipe dream.

1:44am: it strongly and regularly is really bothering me that Kenny’s mother has no intention of being kind or forthcoming with information in regards to Cortlands desperate need to know his mother and gain some understanding and peace of mind that despite being massively flawed, Amber loved him with all of her heart. It’s important that Mary not frame her as useless or unworthy of his love or as if he meant next to nothing to her. It’s important that he knows she died trying to get back to him. I think it’s possibly the most cruel act of selfish petulance I’ve ever seen in an adult to allow Mary’s opinion about Amber be what governs Cortlands feelings about her. It makes me sick that she shuts him down and isn’t willing to share basic information about his own mother simply because she didn’t like Amber. It makes me so angry on a daily basis that Cortland can’t pick up the phone and call Kenny or myself to ask questions(about anything in his life especially His mom) and that Mary uses her negative opinion of me as a scapegoat instead of being reasonable and allowing Cortland access to vital information and emotional security that only Kenny can provide. And it makes me sick that after nearly eleven years it’s inconceivable to Mary that Cortland have a positive image of his mom, as if there were nothing to love in her. As if she was nothing at all.

1:56am: every motherfuxker in this apartment has their nose to the ground digging through everything trying to find god knows what that this dude is losing track of every five minutes. Also, the next damn thing to fall on this floor at this time of night, surely startling my neighbor again and agin, is going to be flung across the room and land squarely about the head and face.

1:58am: I feel like a weak pussy ass bitch for not being totally sober, as if sobriety and gainful employment weren’t the two dragons to slay to get Boog back as efficiently as possible so Mary’s opinion and decisions aren’t the only thing shaping Cortlands perceptions and actions and feelings. It’s a fucking excuse but it’s true: the primary reason I was able to overcome my crack problem was having Cortland in my daily life and becoming partially responsible for him along with Kenny. It’s easy to say no when my days weren’t filled with self pity. It wasn’t easy, but my love for he and Kenny was unquestionably the most worthwhile reason I’ve ever changed. Without seeing boog regularly it’s hard to maintain focus on working toward sobriety and easy to fall into the habits that make the multitude of days without him seem less pointless and empty. It doesn’t make anything any better when we aren’t even 4 full months into the custodial assignment to Mary and she has made it clear that she intends to keep him for the long hall and has no interest in raising him in a way that is also agreeable to Kenny. I don’t know how to be strong and hopeful when this woman hates me so much. I feel like a useless shrivel of failure every day, and it makes me want to use. I have got to grow a fucking sack here. No matter what it takes. And I’m not sure where to begin.

2:09am: I worry pretty frequently that I am a terrible girlfriend to Kenny because we are both addicts. I want to inspire him ane I want him to be able to feel free and independent so he is capable of growing in a positive way. I don’t want to be a burden or a drain, particularly I don’t want to be a directionless succubus distracting him from Cortland. I also fear that one day he will just suddenly go cold and decide to leave me because I am lazy, jobless, depressed, codependent on him and my mother, terrible at cleaning, uneducated in doing simple tasks, indesicive, without ambition, fat, negative and emotionally demanding. And that’s the short list of my flaws. I seriously can’t fathom why he loves me.

2:17am: I am so in love with Kenny and it has only gotten stronger. I’m mystified that he even exists or would want to be in my life. He is so beautiful and special, and I fall in love with him more every day. Yet I’m the asshole who welcomed Red into our home and thus started the odyssey into hell that was 2017. Kenny is so inscrutable. His emotions are the ultimate Mona Lisa smile to me. I know he analyzes everything with a strategic eye for detail, therefore how or why would that ever lead to thinking I’m anything other than a massive fucking anchor. In my heart and mind I know that Kenny is the only person for me, it just feels right and I could lay it all out but it will still feel right to me even if the cons outweigh the pros. I can only hope that Kenny feels this way about me unconditionally as well. The last couple of days have stoked my insecurity fire because we argued and he got mad enough to threaten to leave me. He told me he was sick of my Shit and he didn’t want to keep being in a scenario where I lose my temper if it’s happening once a month or more. He told me afterwards that he didn’t want to leave me but he sounded pretty certain that he was over it. Then yesterday, we both got almost zero sleep because for the first time ever I had a bad reaction to seroquel and spent twelve hours flailing uncontrollably and being so uncomfortable I was yelling through the night. He finally got up furious and told me if I did seroquel again he’d leave me. I tried to explain that I wasn’t intentionally trying To fuck up his sleep or torture him but he still issued that ultimatum. The reason this bothers me so much is because Kenny is usually strongly against ultimatums and if given one himself he opts out completely. So I have one day of feeling insecure that he’s sick of me to the point where he wants to leave and the next day being issued one of the only ultimatums he’s ever given me. Seems like he’s fucking over it and disgusted with me to boot.

2:30am: I feel paralyzed by the thought that Kenny is done with me while simultaneously thinking that he should be done with me of being done with me means he can get boog back as quickly as possible. I guess that this is what it feels like to recognize how I’m never going to be as great of a person, a parent, a lover and a friend as Kenny is. He deserves someone far better than me. Again, I just don’t want to be the burden that holds him back.

2:34am: idk how to take steps toward being the person Kenny deserves, but I desperately want to try my best to be that person. I don’t know where to begin. I just try to be as selfless as I can, support him in any way I can, listen and understand him as best I can. But what if all my efforts mean nothing and he doesn’t want a future with me? I am not strong enough to lose both of the most important and amazing people I’ve ever known in this lifetime and just move on or try again. Losing Kenny and Cortland would be the end of me whether I killed myself the day it ended or lived another 30 meaningless years of suffering without them, like a hollow Fucking shell.

[bullshitallergies]

Wal Mart Christmas

Full length pants

Black belt

Socks

Slip on shoes

Epsom salt

Asparagus

Bananas

Bread

Frozen pizza

Body wash

Wash cloths

Towels

Sheets

Chix pot pie

Ranch

Chocolate

Ground beef

Tortillas

Pork chops

Cooking oil

Eggs

Grilled chicken

Cereal

Milk

Cake in a box

Brownies

Coffee

Cream

Cheese rice

Spaghetti

Sauce

Beans

Soup

Cheese

Lunch meat

String cheese

Sour cream

Yogurt

Butter

Milk

Oj

Tea

Eggs

Cereal

Cookies

Triscuits

Chips

Dip

Tide

Air freshener/ candles

Kitty litter

Kitty food

Ibuprofen

Benadryl

Hair dye?

Bag mexi cheese

Trash bags

Good lotion

Scrubby

Slippers

Purse?

Vinegar

Lighters

Cigs

Sleepy pants for Kenny

Bacon

Biscuits

Toothbrushes

Deodorant

Hairbrush

Face cleanser

Omeperazole

Wallet

[bullshitallergies]

Judgement Day 1

7:36: tippy canoe is the best of all chihuahuas.

7:36: my parents are coming today and I haven’t cleaned shit. I wish I gave a Fuck but why should I? It’s just another infinite facet of her justifiable disappointment

7:46 I wish I could just get Kenny a fucking phone so I wouldn’t feel like every second I spend time on mine is on a timer that only he can hear. If I don’t let him have it he acts like everything I’m doing is especially pointless and I’m a selfish person for wanting to be on it myself instead of letting him play video games

7:50: because I’m a shitty cat mom, we have no food or fresh litter. Winning.

7:51: Leila lost 5 kpins she was “holding on to for me” everyone insisted I leave them with her as backup and now they are mysteriously gone. Of course.

7:55am: anti vaxxers, people obsessed with no gmos, gluten free people, crossfitters, fitness freaks and serial dieters are absolutely annoying and intolerable. I’d love to see each one of them put through a meat grinder and served to Congress.

[bullshitallergies]

Judgement Day 1

Leigh wants me to write down all of my snap judgements I make through out the day. Here goes:

6:09 am: I can’t believe Kenny had as much meth as he did and still behaved like it was my responsibility that the cat tipped the tray. There’s Fucking nothing left, let it go for the love of god.

6:11 am: still feeling so hopeless and sad about nanagate 2017. Besides picturing Mary being hit repeatedly with a bus, all I can do is harp on the fact that someone I’ve tried so hard to be civil to and approved by literally hates my guts to the point where I can’t see my boy. I feel like a hollow shell that has been broken down again and again through pointed, thoughtless conflict and the ever present feeling that I’m being judged for the worst, all while this indignant hag has small talk and fake cammeraderie to lull my clearly blind ass into believing she gave Shit 1 about anyone other than herself. I’m so exhausted by the selfishness, the lack of consideration for Boog and Kenny and the bullying. I wonder how many times this gaping maw is going to associate me with fantastic phrases such as “ the most nasty, vile, sharp tongues, mean as a snake, terrible person yada yada yada into infinity.” Honestly she needs to Zip it before I emotionally scar her so badly she has to tell the general population she was electrocuted by lightening. But of course I’ll keep holding back my intense rage because even a drug addled 35 yo bipolar woman has more respect and restraint than to continue engaging in conflict that’s only destroying the boy.

6:24 am: I can’t stop obsessively judging myself for not being as beautiful or special or sexy as Kenny’s former lovers. He’s always commenting about how amber and summer and Julie were so hot and sexy and I’m just a godamn potato who can’t do anything right.

6:27 am: I wonder how long we will go this time before I’m told again that I ruined Kenny’s life and he’d have Cortland and his job had I not ruined it.

6:28 am: I’m so fucking sad and angry that nobody in my real life life is ever proud of me for any of the creative writing blurbs I work so hard on on FB. I get that FB is stupid, but now that I don’t have any of my journals, it’s my only outlet and honestly, I’m proud of some of my writing. It makes me feel lonely and unheard as well as untalented and unimportant. In particular I wish that anyone was proud of me for making a positive and interesting page on FB! Everyone seems to like it and it regularly gains new members. But hey, who gives a shit it’s just Facebook.

6:34am: I’m so ashamed that I pee every time I cough. I smell like a cut rate nursing home and I ruin all of my bed linens, the mattress and all my clothes. I constantly feel like I smell and look ugly. I used to smell good all the time and folks complimented me. Now I’m a childless, incontinent junkie piece of garbage always wishing I smelled like something other than the highland park men’s room.

6:44am: Shilo Parker makes me want to hunt her down and throw an entire toaster sale into her bathtub. She seems miserable enough to end it so maybe she’s let me one of these days as long as I took 64 snapshots of her man face looking extra drag queeny.

6:46am: people have destroyed any self respect I had finally built up by treating me like I’m disposable. Nobody wants to spend time with me unless I have something for them: a house, a place to crash, weed, drugs, food, smokes. Nobody is interested in what I’m thinking, they just think I’m a trashy junkie who lives in her own filth and doubles as a welcome mat. Kari randomly told me I was a dick the other night because my phone isn’t working properly and I didn’t hear her call. John Paul has decided I’m not worth shit “just like the rest.” I found myself apologizing to him and asking to be friends again despite the fact that he jacked my phone all night to read through it and also used me as a proxy driver when I was so Fucked up I don’t remember what I was doing, on purpose too since he couldn’t drive himself. Leigh barely listens to a word I say but I am like a fucking human see and say for her. She says everything she wants and I say one animal noise that is apparently interpreted only as “go right ahead, I exist only to listen to you and tell you you’re great. Red has spent the last 20 years of his life in my various apartments but now that he has a place of his own I’m not even allowed to know where it is. Hark, ‘‘tis the anniversary of Lee Melozzi and Kodi ditching me for any number of reasons. I accidentally found Candice’s Insta and she got married. I wasn’t there and I didn’t ever get to meet her husband. She didn’t want me there. She will never care about me again, she didn’t even answer the phone when I called to tell her Max died. Justine never keeps in touch but seems to get closer to Leslie constantly. The longer we aren’t together the more I realize she probably just needed rides to the bar. I expend so much energy, food and emotion on drug addicts coming in my home who don’t give a single Fuck about me as a person. I might as well just treat them like every other lick or plug and try to get everything I can instead of trying to comfort and care and feed them. They couldn’t give less of a fuck.

END VOLUME ONE

[bullshitallergies]

Fuck You Nana

I feel so singled out, targeted, blamed, misunderstood and manipulated. Kenny’s mom took custody of Cortland when it became clear that Kenny needed some time to heal. Initially she hid it from him and then proceeded to bullshit him with illusions of coparenting and altruism and the spirit of working together as a family. I saw through this from the jump and knew it was a snake move to push a weak and broken hearted man into conceding to whatever she wanted. Months later here we are. Barely able to talk to boog on the phone, lucky to see him for 20 minutes every two weeks. Nothing but texts. Mary and Kenny haven’t spoken in months. All of these bullshit offers to put him on therapy and keep us as involved parents were nothing but a smoke show.

She has us in a noose. After a family conversation about Amber, Mary decided that not only should we not be talking to Cortland about his mother, but apparently her assumption was that I was having this conversation with Cortland alone! I woke up hours later to a nasty paragraph about how cort was traumatized and we were essentially monsters. My response was that boog is in dire need of therapy, I was done being spoken to like a villain and it was beat that we cut off contact.

Since then boog has texted once, nothing we’ve sent has gone through. Today Mary messages Kenny (hey look, the CUNt does know how to dial the number of her own fucking kid instead of me!) and informs him that I’m not only unwelcome at Christmas dinner but that I am a vile, nasty, hateful person who can no longer interact with boog due to being a “terrible influence.”

This dried up miserable old self righteous, joke of a parent and grandparent who has done nothing but target me as some kind of monster since fall of 2016, isn’t just playing around! She truly thinks she knows me and I’m nothing but trouble in her mind.

This wretched dementia ridden alcoholic child abusing pawn for the democratic agenda actually BELIEVES that I got Kenny into speed and am the catalyst for his fatherly downfall.

This fake image obsessed demon crone willfully denies the years of In home childcare, the money I’ve spent to support and sustain her son and grandson for the last year since Kenny quit macados, the incredible physical and mental trials I withstood to keep cort safe, the desolate loneliness I lived with for months when Kenny was checked out emotionally, my attempt to leave for the sake of Kenny and cort to be together, buying a new apartment for the sake of our sanity....

None of these things matter to Mary. Neither Kenny’s relationship with boog nor mine is of any consequence to her. She has made it clear that cortland’s emotional well being is not top priority and our established family is less than nothing in her eyes. The endgame here was control over Cortland and control over our needs to spend time with him. It makes me sick with rage that this repressed spoiled greedy absurd person is so obscenely selfish that her self made conflict with me is more important to her than cortlands emotional well being.

None of this is about us. Mary and I are the two least important facets of this nightmare. Doing what’s best for Cortland is SO ONVIOUSLY THE FUCKING PRIORITY. That little boy is the only person that matters.

I am

Beside myself with grief and shame and a loneliness for my boy that hollows my heart out a little more everyday. I feel so much regret for every positive step I didn’t take before it was too late. Kenny is hurt and furious, he stood up for me completely, which I don’t even deserve. I can’t believe that this man wants anything to do with me. I feel so unworthy. I tried my very best to be a good parent and partner, I kept things together above and beyond anything I’ve ever put effort into and I failed. Fuck me, fuck Kenny. I failed two of my closest childhood friend’s baby boy.

It’s not enough that I’ve been punishing myself nonstop this entire past year, I’ve worked so hard to try and remain positive for our family but that family was just sand clenched in my desperate fist. At this point I wish I could disappear completely.

I thought Max was soooo special to me but he was child’s play compared to my love for Cortland and Kenny. My sweet boys don’t deserve this. I’ve killed myself trying to be the best possible version of myself and as usual it has been nothing but an overlooked waste in the eyes of not just Mary, but in the eyes of Kenny’s closest friends, sister, former employees....

How could I ever think I’m anything but a black cloud of bad fortune?

The silver lining here is that Kenny’s amazing father now knows the situation and has committed to advocate on our behalf. First to Mary and if necessary to the court. Kenny’s dad knows only a fraction of the reality of the past year but he thinks I’m a good person and he knows I’m special to Boog. He promised he would bring him by at some point this week no matter what Mary has to say about it. I am so grateful that Wes is a real parent and a genuine person who knows how important it is for us to remain close to our baby.

My heart is shattered right now and my only oxygen is trapped, scared and confused at his godamned Nana’s house, wondering where we are and why we aren’t there. Kept in the dark by an “adult” so weak she can’t even allow him a positive word regarding his dead mother.

All I can do is picture Mary repeatedly being hit by a bus, preferably a bus that comes careening through her computer room as she spreads rhetoric and fear in the name of the Democratic Party, her one true baby. I can envision her glasses sailing off as a hand is severed just in time to keep her from sounding off about her fundamental rightness. Her spine collapses and her body crumbles quickly under the bus. The grill now decorated with the bloody blonde tinsel that was her scalp.

If I was the monster that she has become in this scenario, I’d never speak of her existence again, ensuring that her memory is treated with the same lack of compassion and disrespect that she has lavished unnecessarily upon Amber.

I will always be in such total awe at the man Kenny has become in the face of such a childishly pretentious mother with so much obvious disdain for him. Kenny’s strength is breathtaking. His ability to love and cherish is a Fucking miracle. His sense of moral and emotional responsibility is unwaveringly comforting and inspirational.

How the fuck could anyone want to keep his son from him? How could his own mother be so cold? She will never truly know the extent to which Kenny is an exemplary person even at his worst, not will she ever comprehend the kind of sadistic damage she is so carelessly exposing her grandson too all in the name of pride.

This situation is cataclysmic.

[bullshitallergies]

The inch and a half between security and uncertainty

I wish I would be struck by lightening. Finally a physical scar that details the tree of life that chaos decorated my body with. Not that anything I possess will ever be able to tell all the things that nobody wanted to hear anyway. And who cares to listen How much passion is expended before solemnity is the only acceptable reaction to anything. Shutters over my eyes.

[bullshitallergies]

Send assasins

Why is it that when people are losing a feeling of goodness and they know they can't make it right again, do they turn to whatever random shit they think will ease the pain of that loss? Deep down I think they know it's unfixable but they think a bandaid might help. I am the worst at this. I don't know which instincts to follow I'm just always so terrified to lose. But i know that logically I'm already fucked, so why am I trying to endure more bullshit to get to the same end result? I wish that I wasn't so fucking defective so that people I love unconditionally felt the same way about me. I can't believe I'm in a position to lose every wonderful thing I unbelievably got and I can't change any part of it. Every contingency has a major downside. My life is now pointless and scary.

[bullshitallergies]

Maybe one day....

Maybe one day I’ll feel desired. Maybe on day I won’t feel like I’m the only person interested in maintaining a physical relationship. Maybe one day it will be a priority that I am pleasured. Maybe one day I won’t feel ignored. Maybe one day it I’ll feel good to hold me or touch me. Maybe one day loving me won’t be an obligation. Maybe one day I’ll feel sexy. Maybe one day being my lover won’t be so boring. But for now let’s ignore it. For now let’s lose all the passion. For now let’s worry about everything other than a strong emotional/ physical connection. For now I can just tell myself that I can change and be so different that I won’t want one of the few things that I actually like. For now lets pretend you have some interest in me still. For now let’s waste some more of my life on the internet instead of holding you. I’ll pretend that gratification and closeness don’t erode or present rifts among people that lead to parting ways.

I’m so exhausted from wanting to be physically loved. What the fuck am I waiting for? I’m not a beautiful woman but I know that men are attracted to me. I wish I didn’t feel so unattractive and overlooked.

#unwanted

[bullshitallergies]

…I felt drawn to ask impossible things of myself and then do nothing.

Anne Sexton, from a letter to Stanley Kunitz featured in A Self-Portrait In Letters (via violentwavesofemotion)

Every fucking day.

[bullshitallergies]

Charm me. Furiously. Torment me. In detail.

Hermann Hesse, from Crisis: Pages from a Diary; “The Seducer,” (via violentwavesofemotion)

[bullshitallergies]

My best version of the truth part 4

I'm sorry to talk to you about any of this I'm sure it just seems pathetic or delusional. But from My perspective, kenny is beyond not interested in talking to me. He seems annoyed. And Fuck man, I miss him really bad. Why is this happening?

[bullshitallergies]

My best version of the truth part 3

I wish that i could spend a night away, but I'm not comfortable in most places and it's not like I can tell people The depth of our insanity.

[bullshitallergies]

My best version of the truth part 2

I have never loved anyone this much and I wann be with cortland but kenny doesn't seem to enjoy being with me at all. I don't know what to do except leave him alone because that's what his actions convey he wants but for some reason he just won't or can't tell me what's going on.