cacoethess-scribendi

[cacoethess-scribendi]

I’m currently sitting in a leather chair in the corner of Fairgrounds coffee, with pretty lighting and some country music in my ears. It’s blue hour outside and lightly snowing. I’m responding to photo emails, and just being present. It feels so good to step out of the normal routine and be around others who are doing the same. I am alone, and there’s nobody else I’d rather be with. 

Just a friendly reminder to get out and work on yourself sometimes. 

[cacoethess-scribendi]

Yesterday Will told me he’s down to move to Park City in 6 months. 

Is this real life?! WHAT!!!! I can’t even wrap my head around the fact that we could live in the mountains together. I’m genuinely just shocked. Fingers crossed this all works out. There’s an odd sense of release and weight off my shoulders. I’m so sick of this winter and stale life in Minnesota. 

This could literally be the greatest adventure of our entire lives. 

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Late last night, my American hero and WWII vet of a grandpa passed away. My grandma and dad called me unexpectedly called me the next morning and I broke down in tears. She said that he didn’t want to be here anymore and that he’s in a better place now. Then she said “I’m so happy you love your job, because it is literally half of your life.” and that spoke to me. This is the first real death I’ve had to go through in my family, and I’m lucky that I lived 23 years with such a stable and healthy family. It’s humbling and eye-opening to understand that I’m going about my normal day, sitting in on work meetings, and scheduling plans - while someone in my life didn’t get to see this day. Life is so fragile and I can’t go a day without loving every bit of it. 

[cacoethess-scribendi]

Life, man. 

You think you make it past a point of heartbreak, you move forward, and finally feel like you’ve got your shit together. Then all hell breaks loose, even worse than all of the times it’s happened before. 

I re-read all of my old entries, back to high school, and the most amazing part was to watch myself suffer the pain of heartbreak, cheating, and more. Then in the next entry to see how I’d moved on and was so immensely happy. 

I’m not happy right now. At all. 

I’ve been cheated on by someone who I gave so much to. It'll be ten months together as of tomorrow and I’ve still never heard the word love out of his mouth. I feel taken for granted. I mean that. 

It’s a unique battle to be so angry, and have to be so patient at the same time. To have steam pouring out of your body in rage while telling yourself “whatever, it’s fucking fine and I’ll move on, and it’ll be better tomorrow if I don’t say anything.”

I am so fucking sick of guys taking me for granted and not treating me the way I should be treated. I am over it. I give so damn time and energy to people to not get the same effort in return. I literally can’t even type right now it makes me so frustrated. I hate the fact that I overthink and continuously think about things that hurt me. I think about it in the shower, at work, at happy hour. It sucks every little ounce of life out of you, and I’m not happy because of it. I’m not as happy towards people as I used to be. I feel like life is stale right now and that I’m just vibrating in place. 

I want to be with Will so so so fucking bad but I can’t feel this way anymore. I just want to be with someone who wants to be with me. 

I need to move out of this state and leave the office job life. I don’t live next to any of my friends anymore. I’m losing my sanity over it. I never thought I would come to that point in my life. I’ve always been so confident in who I was and the ways I wanted to treat other people. I don’t even have the energy to do that anymore and it’s so fucking sad. It makes me depressed knowing I don’t have that energy anymore, to be the best version of myself I know I can be. It’s so sad that I feel like I’m faking my happiness and that it’s difficult for me to be present and energized in conversations. 

I need to find myself again. I’m so angry and defeated and hurt. I hate it. I crave a moment where I get lost in life, a view, or a friendship. I crave that feeling of not giving two shits about anything except being right where I am. I crave happiness and energy and love for life. I just want to be happy again.

[cacoethess-scribendi]

August 14, 2019.

7:01 PM

Will, 

Fuck. 

When my mind runs a million miles an hour, my natural therapy is to type. I don’t think you know that about me yet. It’s something about the way it feels to talk myself through things, or maybe it’s just the feel and sound of the keyboard that I find peace in. That’s why you get random long texts of my thoughts or notes that go for days about my feelings for you. Maybe that makes a little more sense now. 

Anyways, this is what today brought me:

We will get mad at each other. Very mad. It sucks during it. And we will have very petty fights too. We will also have bad days and flip shit for absolutely no reason. But we always have to remember that there’s a better side and that it will only make our relationship stronger. I am a piece of work. You are a piece of work. We are a piece of work. Even if we have to be selfishly angry to earn the key though the gate to compromise. There’s truly nobody else I would rather have those fights (or make up sex) with. I choose you, Will. I want the highs AND the lows with you, I’m here for it. Yeah, the age difference gets in the fucking way sometimes, and yeah, we’re still in the beginning stages of testing each other’s patience. But damn there’s nobody else I’ve wanted to be so madly angry and so madly in love with, before you. And seriously, stuff so small? How fucking lucky are we.

Thank you for never questioning my way of living - even if you make fun of me for wearing a shirt to bed. Thank you for not even questioning why I would want to leave a party to go watch Stranger Things. Thank you for the little things too, like making me coffee every single morning, or for letting me park at your place when I’m going out for happy hour with other friends downtown. Thanks for driving me crazy (only sometimes), because it keeps me sane (I think?). Now I’m getting to the point where I’m just talking out of my ass while Gordon Ramsay yells at food in the background. 

The one thing I know for sure though is that I love YOU, William Thomas Mooty. I love the way you pick up people’s phones for them on the airplane, I love the way you can make friends with a stranger, and I love the way you are passionate about your family and friends. I love waking up to you in the morning and falling asleep with you at night. I love how fucking hot you look in a suit and I love that all those other girls don’t get to kiss you after it’s off (or on, chill bitches). I’m so jealous of your perfect eyelashes and body it’s seriously not fair. I love your family, and how they don’t treat me any differently than they would friends their age. I love your friends and how they feel like they’re my friends now too. It brings me to tears sometimes when I realize how lucky I am to be able to live this life next to you. You have flipped my life upside down, for the better. The thought of not getting to watch you grow into an even more amazing man, or watch your career flourish, or be there for a spontaneous trip… it tears me apart. I know people always say “I don’t even know how I lived a life without knowing you” but as cliche as it is, it’s true. I’ve spent the last eight months with a friend I didn’t know I even needed or wanted. 

Lots of swearing tonight. Just passionate today I guess. Well, I’m ending my thoughts it here and I’m gonna go get some wine and watch House Bunny. Life is good when you really think about it. Oh and mountain road trip in ten days? God damn we’re cool.

[cacoethess-scribendi]

Dear Will, 

We had an interesting start to this whole thing, didn’t we. Strangers. That’s all we were. And it’s shown, in good and bad ways. I’ve spent the last seven months learning who you are, meeting your friends and your family, hearing stories about you, and watching you be you. And damn, what a ride it’s been. I’ve spent the last seven months with a friend I didn’t know I even needed or wanted. 

It’s been seven months though, why haven’t we said I love you yet? Isn’t it that time by now?

The other day, I found this piece of writing on instagram:

“The challenge of finding love is one we often mistake for being the toughest part. We are gifted time and opportunities for reasons - most of them beyond our control - so what we do with that time will prepare us for the moments we find love. We live in a generation so fixated on the idea of love or rather the pursuit of it, the “swiping” movement has lead us to believe we can receive the benefit of affection, affirmation and even sexual intimacy before we’ve earned those things, and soon when it’s all over and ended because too much happened too quickly, we move on again. There’s a strange drug-like high that comes from dating and never settling, it allows you the “maybe there’s someone better? Maybe I can get something else!” mentality that is the bane of healthy relationships. And then, when those ‘relationships’ don’t pan out and you’re left scratching you’re head - you become hurt. Relationships, genuine and changing take an unfathomable amount of work but it pays off every moment of each day.”

I am a piece of work. You are a piece of work. We are a piece of work. 

But I’ve never been sure enough to want to work for something so bad. I will always be there to cheer you on, I will always be there to support your goals and desires in life, I will always sit next to you when times get hard and you just want to sit in silence. I admire the person you are today, and I can’t wait to see the person you become one day - through the good and the bad days of life. I will always be here to be your companion, to listen to you talk about your day at work, or to watch stranger things before bed. I will be here to give you a million kisses, even if you don’t want them. I love who you are, Will. I really do. Already. And I want to work through the highs and lows to get to the point where my love for you brings me to tears. Because you are worth it. 

[cacoethess-scribendi]

Clarksville, TN

Today I was at our Jostens yearbook plant and wow what an experience! I walked four miles today throughout their 14 acre building. This little Tennessee town is full of sweet tea and down to earth people.

The digital creative team photoshops files all day that the schools submit. They check to make sure that the photos fit on the pages, that there’s no typos, and no swear words. They all work in the same area, and I was surprised to see that none of them wore headphones. Some schools STILL send photos for them to scan, so crazy!

This place is fulllll of families. So many mother/son/daughter combos work here - Jennifer Gee told me she is still uncovering family connections here after 16 years. There were so many people who were camera shy but so so so proud of their jobs.

Everyone in the plant was an expert, and so knowledgeable at what they do. I don’t think I’ve ever met so many people in my life with such intense but vast knowledge about a software, machine, or product. I was shocked listening to people try to explain what they were doing, while fluently performing, as I sat there barely comprehending what they were even doing. The technology and processes are so quick and advanced. Many of these people don’t even have a college or high school degree, heck some didn’t even have a few teeth, but they were sure as hell smarter than I was… even while college educated with teeth. They were hands down some of the smartest people I’ve ever met in my life.

This place sure was one big family though. They all cared so much about each other and what they did. They were all insanely passionate about yearbooks and the work that they were doing. You can blatantly see how much love goes into this simple little book, and how many people it touches before it’s in your hands.

I learned that there’s a height size for how tall foil is above it’s card or sheet of paper, and how even the slightest black mark on the cover of a yearbook means it gets thrown out. I learned how intense the quality control of the product is, and how closely they analyze the colors. One of the employees is a magician, while the other - Litha Sue - works passionately on her machine that she named Chloe.

Clarksville Tennessee Jostens Yearbook plant, you are one very special place.

[cacoethess-scribendi]

I WILL CHASE THIS FEELING FROM TRAVELING FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. NOTHING WILL STOP ME, AND I WILL NEVER SETTLE. THIS IS WHAT BEING ALIVE IS SUPPOSED TO FEEL LIKE. 

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Made it to Clarksville TN with the yearbook team! I arrived in Nash around 6PM tonight and had an hour drive in the car up north to our hotel. It’s been almost two months since I’ve travelled last and man does it feel good. I’ve been so stuck and consumed in what’s been going on at home. Nothing feels better than sitting in this hotel room by myself, watching the local cable, and being in a different state - even if it looks exactly like St. Louis Park. 

The drive here was so nice. There’s something special about TN. The trees seem to be bigger, the hills all of a sudden feel like mini mountains, and there’s a feeling of freshness in the air. Amanda Lillemoe and I had an amazing life conversation in the car. She was so supportive of me going and doing what I’m passionate about in life, she basically told me not to settle and TRAVEL now. It was so refreshing and reassuring. We had the windows down in the car, learned more about each other, and none of it felt like a forced coworker conversation. There was stopped traffic on the road, and it was the first time in a while that it didn’t bug me whatsoever. 

[cacoethess-scribendi]

I have my dream corporate job, but I’m not happy. 

I feel trapped. And I knew I would. That’s what 9-5 jobs do to you. But that’s not how I’ve learned to live. I’m not productive when I’m sitting in a white-wall office, with people interrupting me twice an hour, and everyone looking at my screen as they walk past my desk. That’s not how I’ve taught myself to grow and be creative. That’s just not how I work. 

I need to be out, moving around, watching strangers walk down the sidewalk while I’m sipping coffee in an open cafe. I need to be somewhere where I’m not afraid to sit and think for minutes without being socially forced to “look” like I’m working. I need to be interacting with strangers and networking more often, not learning about my coworker’s kids soccer schedule for the week. 

I want to be on the road, staying inspired. I can’t fully execute a creative job if I’m sitting on the 5th floor of a building in a suburb of Minneapolis. For the last seven years I’ve taught myself how to respect the job I have, how to be productive and more importantly disciplined. 

I dream of the days I can create content while on the road, with no specific destination in mind. 

[cacoethess-scribendi]

Today was the first day since I started writing on here that I changed the background from black to white. 

[cacoethess-scribendi]

Yesterday Will stood at the chalkboard in his kitchen and asked me “If you had nine days - five days off from work - where would you go?” I came up with a few options, first one through Montana and Banff, the second through CO/UT, and then possibly Iceland. He loved the idea of the CO/UT trip so we sketched out a rough itinerary in 20 minutes. 

I thought, well, that was fun! So what’s your schedule tomorrow?

We settled it and booked. Two months out. 

The fact that I’ve finally found someone that has the desire to roam and love life like I do still blows my mind. I’ve dreamed of this for my entire life. 

We will be driving from MN to Denver, then to the Great Sand Dunes National Park, over to Telluride, then to Moab to hit the two National Parks there, up to Park City, then over to the Badlands and back home! I did a mini trip like this for work last fall, but I didn’t get to experience it the way I wanted. The one thing I did take away though, was that I had never felt so unbelievably in awe of the states after driving through the mountains and Moab desert with windows down and America The Beautiful (and Mumford and Son’s Lover's Eyes Live from Red Rocks) on full volume. The fact that I get to experience it again, with Will, gets me stoked. I feel like I’m the most myself when I’m standing on the edge of a mountain, hiking, or looking out the window because the mountains are too tall for my view. The creativity flows so fluently. The best version of myself - all of the emotions, thoughts, and memories rush to me. I feel completely myself and I’m going to finally be able to share that with him. It’s going to be the trip of a lifetime and I’m ecstatic about it.

Not to mention we have a trip to Boston and Rhode Island (first timer!!) in just under a month. Life is fantastic. 

[cacoethess-scribendi]

A few weeks ago, Will and I had a casual “running errands” kind of day. We went to Home Depot to pick up cute little succulents, before that we went to Ikea to grab some new furniture for my new place. On the way home we stopped at Chipotle next to my apartment and we couldn’t stop smiling and flirting. It felt like day one. I’m so dang in awe of this human being and how similar we are. Then we went back to my apartment and planted the succulents and ate Chipotle together. Every part of this day felt like I was on cloud nine, even though it was one of the most simple day’s we’ve ever had together. 

Now we just passed month five of knowing and dating each other! It’s been the biggest blessing of my entire life. I’ve learned so much from Will and have truly understood what it feels like to go to bed and wake up in the morning feeling loved. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced in my life. I am so spoiled. 

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What. In. The. WORLD!!!!!!! I’ve found my heaven!!

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I am speechless over Will. This trip has brought me close to tears many times now. I don’t know what I did to deserve this selfless, generous, thoughtful, intelligent, loving man in my life. Every day gets better. Every day I fall so much harder than the day before. I can’t believe this is real life. I have never felt this way ever. Just so so so so lucky. 

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Tomorrow we leave for Ixtapa! It’s been two months of knowing each other, but it feels like it’s been much longer. I hope he’s the one for me, I really do. I can feel it, something’s off, in a good way. I want to live in New York City with him, show him how New England has my heart, travel abroad with him. I want to discover new parts of the world, ourselves, and our relationship with him. I want to have deep conversations about life on the edge of a cliff while watching the sunset, glass of wine in hand. With him. Jeeesh every time I see him I smile. I want to go to all of the places that made him the spectacular, selfless, loving human he is. This is just the beginning and I can’t handle my excitement. I haven’t even been able to spend a sunny day on the deck with him yet, and I’m already head over heels for him. There is so much to look forward to. I have never felt so comfortable and just... right in my life before. It’s effortless and so damn enjoyable. You are quickly stealing my heart, William Mooty!!!

[cacoethess-scribendi]

My definition of heaven. Plus him.