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I haven't drawn anything in so long. What no depression does to a mf apparently

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I am looking neither respectfully nor disrespectfully. I gaze without recognition of your form, and without understanding.

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Hearing people tell me I'm so resilient makes me feel like dry heaving

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Getting better is scary. Every time I gain something, I have even more to lose. Anytime I start to believe I didn't deserve all the things that happened to me, it just hurts more. And what's more than that, I'm scared of how far it will go. Like what if I don't stop at just "healthy" self worth? What if I become egotistical and entitled? Already, I've started expecting so much more from people and it scares me. Every step I take to get better is a tentative one

#my version of expecting more from people btw is like uhh... if a friend takes me on a walk to the gas station #i might assume they will buy something #...just a little treat. a little snacky snack for my good behavior lol #but nah that seems crazy entitled to me actually #like anytime i catch myself expecting that im like 'wtf?? i dont deserve that! i need to do better' #and i think thats reasonable right? like just because someone wants to go somewhere with me #doesnt mean they wanted to buy me something >_<

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the circus was in town that day 🤡

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He was talking about his childhood and I got really quiet so he asked me what I was thinking about and I said my own childhood. Then he asked me "was it bad?" and I just had to sit there for a moment like this

before saying "yes"

Like damn he really doesn't know anything about me, huh? Idk I think he might not be the best friend considering we've known each other for like a month and he still didn't even know this about me- and it's not like I haven't talked about it either. I try to talk about it but it rarely comes up because the only opportunities I get are when he's talking about his own experiences and I don't want it to come off like I'm engaging in pain olympics or something.

I'm so annoyed at my friend but I feel bad about it cause he's not doing anything wrong really, he's just dripping with privilege and ego and it hurts my soul a little bit

#also 90% of the time he just talks about himself and i dont really feel comfortable sharing my stuff #cause like i dont think hed understand... especially hearing the way he talks about other people

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I'm so annoyed at my friend but I feel bad about it cause he's not doing anything wrong really, he's just dripping with privilege and ego and it hurts my soul a little bit

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I'm so scared to go back to how I was. It's like I know now that it was completely out of my control

#talking about my depression

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Trying to spend time with my friend but the music she's playing is too good for me to talk over

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the good vs bad person post inspired in me the recollection and reflection on my mediocre ethics class from a few years ago. I don't think any of my thoughts are to be useful to you cuz I'm not sure you're having a fundamentally ethics based crisis (as far as I understand)

I just wanted to come here with a lighthearted message and let you know that I care about you and your well being, even if there is an absolute objective universal morality according to which you're horrible (which I don't think is the case just to be clear)

sincerely,

me

Aw thank you 🩵

#my mutuals are so nice to meeee 😭

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I'm not sure if this eases your concerns at all but it can actually be pretty hard to be a bad person without noticing. Being a bad person isn't about doing bd things, but not caring about the consequences and avoiding accountability. Good people can do bad things, but they usually try to mend their mistakes and grow from them. as long as you try your best to be respectful towards others you'll be okay

I appreciate it but it's a lot more complicated than this I'm afraid ;-;

I can't really find a solid definition of what I believe to be "good" vs "bad", due to factors like my views on things changing frequently with my experiences, the way that context can vary so much, and the fact that other people have different ideas of what good and bad means than I do. This uncertainty is at least on some level what fuels my ocd and its impossible to give me a definitive answer, only what you think to be true.

Anyways I'll try not to get all philosophical and spiral here but thank you again for trying to help, it's still valuable for me to know what other people think even if it doesn't answer all my questions.

#basically the exact thing that bothers me but worded way more clearly and eloquently lol #thank you for the addition /gen

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Shapeshifter who gets horribly grotesque and mutilated when flustered

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Sometimes, you do the right thing, and people get hurt by it.

Sometimes, you do the wrong thing, and people love you for it.

Sometimes, you do the wrong thing because you were misled, but it's still your responsibility.

Sometimes you do what you think is right only for what you think to change down the line, and suddenly you can't stand to face the person you were anymore.

Sometimes, you do the right thing for one person but the wrong thing for another.

Sometimes you have an opportunity to be better but you don't see it until it's too late.

Sometimes you could stop someone from doing something wrong but you don't.

Sometimes you do try to stop them and you only make it worse.

Sometimes you do the wrong thing and it turns out to be for the best in the end.

Sometimes you do something to help someone, only to not be able to keep it up, and when you finally have to take away that help, suddenly it doesn't seem like you helped them anymore. It seems like you left them to die. And that's not really untrue.

Sometimes, the line between what you can and can't do is so blurred that you can never really know for sure if you could've done better or not.

Sometimes, you do something with the best intentions only to hurt everyone.

Sometimes you make a mistake and it's "just a mistake" but other times you fuck up so bad that even though it was an accident, no one can quite bring themselves to forgive you. And you know they're not wrong for it.

Sometimes someone hurts you and you know it was the right thing for them but the wrong thing for you. And sometimes you don't know.

Sometimes you just don't know.

I'm not sure if this eases your concerns at all but it can actually be pretty hard to be a bad person without noticing. Being a bad person isn't about doing bd things, but not caring about the consequences and avoiding accountability. Good people can do bad things, but they usually try to mend their mistakes and grow from them. as long as you try your best to be respectful towards others you'll be okay

I appreciate it but it's a lot more complicated than this I'm afraid ;-;

I can't really find a solid definition of what I believe to be "good" vs "bad", due to factors like my views on things changing frequently with my experiences, the way that context can vary so much, and the fact that other people have different ideas of what good and bad means than I do. This uncertainty is at least on some level what fuels my ocd and its impossible to give me a definitive answer, only what you think to be true.

Anyways I'll try not to get all philosophical and spiral here but thank you again for trying to help, it's still valuable for me to know what other people think even if it doesn't answer all my questions.

#sorry just wanted to write down some of my thoughts about more complicated scenarios

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tiktok is such an awful app, it's almost designed to feed you misinformation and expose you to insane discourse. unlike beloved tumblr, the app that feeds me misinformation and exposes me to insane discourse

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I'm not sure if this eases your concerns at all but it can actually be pretty hard to be a bad person without noticing. Being a bad person isn't about doing bd things, but not caring about the consequences and avoiding accountability. Good people can do bad things, but they usually try to mend their mistakes and grow from them. as long as you try your best to be respectful towards others you'll be okay

I appreciate it but it's a lot more complicated than this I'm afraid ;-;

I can't really find a solid definition of what I believe to be "good" vs "bad", due to factors like my views on things changing frequently with my experiences, the way that context can vary so much, and the fact that other people have different ideas of what good and bad means than I do. This uncertainty is at least on some level what fuels my ocd and its impossible to give me a definitive answer, only what you think to be true.

Anyways I'll try not to get all philosophical and spiral here but thank you again for trying to help, it's still valuable for me to know what other people think even if it doesn't answer all my questions.

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Person: you're overthinking this

My ocd: don't let them lie to you! "Overthinking" isn't real. You can't *think* too much. That's crazy. It's just a lie invented by the government to discourage thinking

#hmm you know hes kinda got a point