candykeyblade

[candykeyblade]

Anyway

I'm making a new tumblr. If you want it let me know.

[candykeyblade]

The way anime girls act about each other’s boobs but it’s guys and their huge fat knuts

#Lmao i mean on the one hand #Girls are exactly like that irl #But on the other #In anime it's played up for male viewers #And on the other other hand #Lmao

[candykeyblade]

I'm officially at that age where I'll see a bunch of kids running around a waiting room and misbehaving and I'm still like "... I want kids"

Lmao!

#Hopefully it won't be too long #Me and my man are gonna start saving up for a house #I'm gonna iron out my debt #We're gonna get our shit together

[candykeyblade]

funniest april fools prank ive EVER done…………..ok imagine youre my dad. you walk into the kitchen and your plucky little daughter offers you a mug of orange juice, barely containing her giggles. you look up and see a gallon of orange juice next to a bottle of windex with the cap removed & a thing of epsom salt. you grimace and say, “honey is there anything in this?”. she laughs, looks evasive, and says “noooo…….”. you’re a good and maybe overly-people-pleasing person so you decide to pretend all is well and take the tiniest, tiniest sip of the juice. she immediately laughs and says “APRIL FOOLS!!!”. you run to the sink and spit it out with dramatic flair. shes laughing. you turn all serious now and say “honey i know you like making jokes but cleaning supplies can seriously–” and before you can finish she takes the mug and polishes it off. there was nothing in the mug but juice. i FUCKING got him

[candykeyblade]

shitty sci fi writers: “they’re aliens so they aren’t politically correct and they say slurs!”

decent sci fi writers: “they’re aliens so they wouldn’t know human slurs in the first place”

good sci fi writers: *kicking the shit out of the shitty sci fi writers*

[candykeyblade]

Do you support communists? like, not their politics, but emotionally

do i… emotionally… support communists….?

[candykeyblade]

villains in boxer shorts patterned after their nemesis is the highest and most refined form of comedy

[candykeyblade]

Pokemon vs Digimon

Pokemon:

Digimon:

[candykeyblade]

Sims 4 is free on Origin on both PC and MAC right now if anyone wants it lol

[candykeyblade]

the biggest lie i ever told & how my husband came to protect it

for years i have lived this lie telling everyone i am allergic to peanuts because i hate the smell of peanut butter and don’t really like peanut butter that much but whenever i used to tell people i don’t like peanut butter they’d get all defensive like “peanut butter is amazing how do you not like it?!” and then i’d have to go into this whole thing to defend my taste buds.

but then i got tired of it and started telling people that i’m just allergic to peanuts because that way it’s not my fault that i hate the smell of peanut butter - it’s now like i’m a sad little baby who will never get to taste peanut butter ever in her life and everyone feels sad for me.

but the problem is that i really love peanut m&ms and so now i can only eat peanut m&ms when i’m at home in secret. the only person who knows my lie is my husband. and so at work this evening we had a small celebration for someone and they had peanut m&ms and i really wanted some but obviously couldn’t eat them in public because then people would know my peanut secret. 

and so when we got home after work my husband tipped his jacket over and emptied his pockets and at least thirty or so peanut m&ms fell out of his pockets and he whispered, “i was sneakily accumulating them all night for you because i could see the pain in your eyes.”

and if that isn’t love then i don’t know what is. 

#Lmao this is amazing

[candykeyblade]

Dunno if anyone outside the UK has noticed, but Britain in the last week has decided that tipping milkshakes over fascists is what we do now.

To the point that McDonalds were asked by the police to stop selling them, and it didn’t help at all.

Someone with a gourmet giant shake today just drenched Farage and he looks like a sad milky weasel. Blessed day.

[candykeyblade]

I’m banning content creators from having sexual dimorphism in their fictional species until they stop being cowardly and commit to having the females be drably colored and a little bit fatter, while having the males look like they came out of Cirque du Soleil while screaming the fantasy beast equivalent to Led Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love”

[candykeyblade]

How to improve Elon’s Tunnel thingy:

Increase the tunnel diameter to accommodate larger cars that can carry more people. A 22ft tunnel would have room for a larger vehicle with space for an emergency walkway for people to walk along in an emergency.

Instead of having the cars go up and down elevators, which wastes time. Instead, keep the cars underground on the tunnel route, and have people take escalators or stairs down to platforms on the underground level and they can get on and off the car when it gets to where they’re going.

To reduce wear and tear from having complex steering mechanisms for a car in a fixed route, replace the concrete guideways with a pair of steel beams that have a convex surface, and to save on materials, remove the rubber tires from the wheels and make the surface of the wheels concave so that they passively sit on the steel guideways and will stay on the corridor through mechanical force.

We can make these vehicles a lot bigger to fit in the wider tunnels, we can probably fit like 50-60 seats and if people stand, you could fit like 150 people in one car.

We can fit even more people if we took like 6 of these cars and chained em together.

In a tunnel, air resistance is a problem and a battery powered vehicle would drain its battery surprisingly fast. So instead let’s run a third beam underneath the cars that have an electrical pickup that can pull power from the grid to the car, reducing weight and eliminating the need for a heavy expensive battery.

#Lmaooo

[candykeyblade]

what’s the proper bracha for a milkshake that you are about to throw onto a fascist?

[candykeyblade]

I just accidentally spoiled endgame for my boyfriend I'm a horrible person.

#I haven't seen it #But nobody i know can keep their mouths shut

[candykeyblade]

americans r so brainwashed about unions its scary

[candykeyblade]

The Sims 4 Base Game Available FREE for a Limited Time

Origin has one week only, offering The Sims 4 Base Game (Standard Edition) for FREE. The game will remain in your Origin library even after the promotion has ended. Click to redeem!  Offer ends May 28th at 10am Pacific.