candyscorns

[candyscorns]

I need several hours of Quiet Time each day or i become the worst person alive

[candyscorns]

Ingeborg Bachmann, from Malina

Text ID: ...because for too long I have been alive without really living.

[candyscorns]

I think we should be able to just stop thinking, I've had enough of thinking all my life thanks

[candyscorns]

It hurts feeling like you‘re never enough…

[candyscorns]

Precisely

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[candyscorns]

what do people who don’t overthink do with all that extra brain time

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To say that I’m happy would be a bold face- no a lie masked by a smile. Give me a bottle of booze and I’m more than happy to be here. Not a single care in the world, that is as long as I’m not alone. You see, as long as im alone and intoxicated everything abt the world is shit and i want nothing more in those moments than to leave. And i mean alone not only in the sense of physically but mostly mentally. In my mind it is best that I’m alone and best that I don’t say shit abt shit bc that way no one is an accessory once i do make that inevitably fatal decision. Sure I’ll get fucked up and talk abt how much i wanna die or talk abt killing myself but i know that I won’t bc i told people and advised them to not tell anyone. So I haven’t said it in a few days because i wanna go this time. I wanna go peacefully and knowing i left this earth without dirtying anyones conscious. So i will wait for weeks or however long it tales me to understand that in order to leave in the way that i want to i will have to refrain from speaking. I wasn’t always sad. It really came not out of nowhere, but very abruptly. It fucked my whole perception of life if I’m honest. I’m 19 with no purpose, a relatively shitty home life and even shittier life in general. I just feel bad because i will always feel like I’m letting people down. I drown myself in alcohol every single night. And i work a job that was initially full time that is now barely scheduling me for part time hours each week because I’m not the best employee. I’ve been to work drunk, tipsy and sober just feeling like shit. And what does that say abt me? Thats i deserve death and nothing more. Because there is no reason as to why i should feel the way i do. I don’t have any heavy heavy trauma so wtf is it then. Idk. Just tired of everything at this point.

[candyscorns]

I just hate being alive and hate being me and hate being gay and bate being fat and hate being here and hate. I just hate. I hate everything because everything is stupid to me. And i just wanna die because i have being alive because there’s no point. Because i compare myself to everyone around me even still. I am 19 and i compare myself to wveryone around me. Because why do i look the way that i do. It dorsnt make any fucking sense. Shy can i not starve myself shen it was so easy for me a year ago. Why can i not cut myself when i could do it so effortlessly a year ago. Whh do i have to drink. Whhy can i noy just go. Everytime i drink i justs tell the sky let this night br my last. I just hate beinv here. I hate everything so mucb especially mysef. I just wanna cut my body into shreda and get every ounce of everything physival i hate and throw it in acid or something i just wanna die. Nobody cares about me and thats okay because thats the way that i want it. I dont want anyone to care abt me because the. I can lill myself and no one would give it a second thought. Like i genuinely dont care that no one cares abt me it makes me hPpy in a sense to think about the fact that they dont. I canre for so many people so deeply and webn i kill myself I’ll take that care with me people always say to the grabe I’ll tale ig to the grave and the warm pits of hell woth me. Im so thankful to everyone ive met on my journey in this shitty life. Weveryone that wamde it just a little bit better and a little bit brighter. Everyone that i didsapinged sith my stipid fucking actions. Everyone ghat i let down. Im so grayefull to have crossed paths with them and i h will always have the utmost love and respeect for them abd wish them nothing but the absolute best in theis crueld shitty world. I just hate me and i hate being here and i hate comparing myselfy still after all these years because thats the main toof of everything is this stupid fucking comparison that i have foing on. If i looked like her or her then I wouldn’t fucking complain. I don’t complain. Not outwardly. I couldn’t do that. Not in the way that i am right nowz . I just wanna be skinny and idc if thats at the expense of my health or happiness i just wanna be skinny and weightless and skin and bone. And because of how i rat i know that can’t happen and so i just choose to settle for deathz. Suicide. It seems so stupid with me being 19 but its just how i feek. I just hate being alive because i have so much stupid shit to deal with that i would just rather not and nobody cares so it makes it so easy for me to gove yp. And for some stupid none xistsent reason i make a concioys decision everyday to live. And i dread every mombet of it so I chose to ignore the fact that i chose to live and do what i can to pretend that I didn’t make that decision. Ive been saying that I’ve been living through me for them lately but if im being homest. I’m sabotaging myself by staying here. Why an i still here. Why have i not killed myself yet. They don’t care about me. And thats okay. I’m not mad at them about that. I cant ve mad at then. They cared for a long time they cared. They showed me loge and gave me strength when i was ay some of my lowest points. They encouraged me and gave me hope. They were the sun in my storm. They did what they didn’t even have to and i will be forever grateful to thwm for that. But i choose to beliebe that it got to a point where the shit that i was choosing to dos to myself that was hatmful and or detrimental took an effect on them and thats okayz. That thye felt like they had to prioritize them and do wahts whas good for them by forgetting me. I asked them to anyways. All of then i asked them to just stop worrying and caring about me. And i think they finally saw me the way thT i see me. I just wnana. Die u wasont wanna be bere anymore i really dont. I just hate here. And i hat emd its all just do sstuoid. And i just eanna go. And i just wnana bee okasy but no. Instead i stay here miserables aafstuck for no reason.

[candyscorns]

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[candyscorns]

i’m full of unsaid feelings.

[candyscorns]