captnslog

[captnslog]

hey hannah in june, little do you know, that in october you'll meet someone who actually is both things you wished a boy would be, a tall gangly nerdy punk with a nose ring. and he plays the drums, to boot. and making you laugh, he's all about it. so. i guess this is just a note to my future self when i look back on this again, sometimes you do get what you want, babe. enjoy every single fucking minute of it. you've waited long enough. love, no longer lonely in november hannah

6262017 1107

i don’t really know what to write about anymore. that’s really just what it is. it is ridiculously hard to write about the inbetweens. oh well. i fall in love with someone new every day and then have to come to grips with the fact that no one really falls in love with me. maybe someday. or maybe i’ll just be alone? that sounds ridiculously sad and mopey but like, maybe that’s what it’s going to be. i wish i had a punk boyfriend with a nose ring and the whole nine yards or a tall gangly nerdy boyfriend that never stops making me laugh. i also wish i had a girlfriend who played softball and always had her hair up in a ponytail or a girlfriend who looked like what i wish i looked like. i just don’t want to be lonely anymore, ya know?

[captnslog]

11162017

I'm still sad to my core, you know as it goes, what with the lack of seratonin and all, but i don't actually think i've been this happy in a minute. i could take years talking about how literally the most perfect soul has come into my life and tells me i'm beautiful far too often for my liking and constantly just understands what i'm saying and cries watching movies with me and has hands that mine fit perfectly in. i could go on and on and on, but i won't. just know i'm happy.

[captnslog]

when did i get so pitiful? just a goddamn corpse in a centerfold.

[captnslog]

6262017 1107

i don't really know what to write about anymore. that's really just what it is. it is ridiculously hard to write about the inbetweens. oh well. i fall in love with someone new every day and then have to come to grips with the fact that no one really falls in love with me. maybe someday. or maybe i'll just be alone? that sounds ridiculously sad and mopey but like, maybe that's what it's going to be. i wish i had a punk boyfriend with a nose ring and the whole nine yards or a tall gangly nerdy boyfriend that never stops making me laugh. i also wish i had a girlfriend who played softball and always had her hair up in a ponytail or a girlfriend who looked like what i wish i looked like. i just don't want to be lonely anymore, ya know?

[captnslog]

5/25 816p

i'm trapped i don't know where to go or what to do everything feels pointless i feel useless so what's the point i'm trapped and someone once asked me "why do we as humans, always want to die? we can't comprehend what it's like to be nothing" or something wild like that i don't know what i want anymore i just wish there was some point to all this some light at the end of the tunnel oh well we don't always get what we want

[captnslog]

5/13 953pm

i hope i die

[captnslog]

5/1 1242pm

gotta be done with you. how to go about that?

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4/26 1143am

just wanna be adored

[captnslog]

4/25

gotta write to survive or something but i don't have anything to say you on the other hand, write like you're running out of time. why? i can't write on a time constraint maybe that's why journaling is so hard or maybe i don't want to review every single day in my head. why? "it's gravity that's been getting us down" maybe it's just the gravity holding my feet down holding my lips tautly together with secrets meant for you. why? i know that you hate me and you will for at least a minute and for once all of my apologies aren't worth anything at all. why? how can i fix this? what do i say? what will it take to prove it? i don't know. hopefully you do. why? why? bc i can't risk losing you or losing myself

[captnslog]

4/19 211pm

miss u

[captnslog]

4/17 844pm

i get my feelings hurt way too easy. but when my feelings are hurt, i also get incredibly pissed. not a good combination. someone will probably regret this. not likely to be me.

[captnslog]

4/17 1052am

had a dream that you hated me. woke up and immediately had to make sure that it was a dream. you don't hate me. went back to sleep, immediately dreamed that you loved me. woke up and didn't have to make sure it was a dream. you don't love me. not sure which of those dreams hurt worse, though.

[captnslog]

4/16 552 pm

i've been meaning to do this for a few days but obviously i haven't haha. currently listening to a happy song with sad lyrics and it's really making me feel some type of way. i think it's not a bad way though. "i'm still in love with an angel, but she won't let me in her head or heart. and now we're so far away from the place where we were 7 hours ago" hashtag relatable amirite ladiez? on an unrelated note, someone called me "butterfly" the other day and i've literally never loved something more. butterflies are SO meaningful to me. and have been since i read this book this one time, "hope for the flowers" if anyone out there hasn't read it, gen, i think you especially would love it. it's allegorical and the most beautiful thing i ever read as a young person. i want to be a butterfly. i think i'm still in the cocoon thing right now, mostly bc i know something good is coming, but not yet. there's a lot more to say. but not right now. thanks.

[captnslog]

boi u got me fukked up

[captnslog]

4/11 1046pm

I'm tired and don't feel like writing, but i feel like i need to, kind of, i guess? today was a weird day. i felt like i had tears welling up in my eyes all day, and it was a bit of work to not cry about anything and everything. i try to hide from certain people on this campus, because i don't want to hear what they think of me, but somehow they always manage to find me and tell me how much potential i'm wasting and how i'm not doing myself justice, like i don't already know that. thanks, lorraine. not afraid to name drop on here, i think i just decided that. let me tell you, last week was one of my worst. i don't even want to think about how many lapses in judgment i had. the only days last week that i didn't participate in one or more things that i shouldn't've were Monday and Friday. sad. i don't know why i do what i do. it makes me feel better, i think. the only time it hasn't made me feel better was the night i cried hysterically on the floor and choked out in between sobs how much i love someone that won't ever feel the same. that night was a mess and a half. ask the girls that were there. but other than that, i feel better. i can forget about it all. i can laugh harder than i remember doing in literally months. is it artificial? maybe. there's a lot more here. something about being a disappointment to my family and pushing all of my friends away, but i really don't have time for that right now. i know parallel universes aren't really a thing, but i like to believe that they are. if only for the sole consolation that in one of the infinite universes out there, i am happy. i am loved. i am soft and kind and worth everyone's time. and i am truly happy. but here i am in this one. where i am loved, but only to a certain point. maybe when i'm doing those things i shouldn't, i'm as happy as i think i can be. and you aren't on my mind. maybe that's why i do what i do. but maybe not.

[captnslog]

4/10 1250am

i have a lot to say but not the time or energy to say it i do anything these days to stop thinking about you

[captnslog]

4/7 1100pm

had a good day. that can only mean the storm is coming. but i'll take the good while i can. you're some good. nothing good ever stays. but i'll take what i can get.