carnelian-pimpernel

[carnelian-pimpernel]

[carnelian-pimpernel]

#i shower as often as i have the time/energy for #so usually every other day

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met a new kinda guy on twitter today

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GIRL HELP I EVOLVED FRUIT GUMMY AND HES LITERALLY THE SIZE OF MY ENTIRE ROOM

[carnelian-pimpernel]

I just want to remind everyone that is your civic duty to jailbreak your Nintendo consoles and pirate every Nintendo property until the heat death of the universe.

[carnelian-pimpernel]

Not to be a Boomer but your social media should be your own space, not something employers are allowed to look at to judge you beyond the qualifications stated in your resume and cover letter

[carnelian-pimpernel]

unavoidable that you will be the villain in someone else's story. You will be painted in an unfavorable light. You will be the irredeemable one. and all of this will happen despite how nice you might usually be or how kind or how respectful or how warm. and you will just have to move on.

[carnelian-pimpernel]

motherfucker said PROFESSIONAL

[carnelian-pimpernel]

Brian David Gilbert getting himself adopted by Dropout is one of the best trades of the century

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onion not even doing satire at this point

[carnelian-pimpernel]

fascism looks like asking elderly & disabled individuals to turn their air conditioning off and die while your HOA/county also bans putting solar panels on your roof because “what if it’s ugly”

[carnelian-pimpernel]

When I’m out with Deaf friends, I put my hearing aid in my purse. It removes any ability to hear, but far more importantly, it removes the ambiguity that often haunts me.

In a restaurant, we point to the menu and gesture with the wait staff. The servers taking the order respond with gestures too. They pantomime “drinks?” and tell us they learned a bit of signs in kindergarten. Looking a little embarrassed, they sign “Rain, rain, go away, come again another day” in the middle of asking our salad dressing choice. We smile and gently redirect them to the menu. My friends are pros at this routine and ordering is easy ― delightful even. The contrast with how it feels to be out with my hearing husband is stunning.

Once my friends and I have ordered, we sign up a storm, talking about everything and shy about nothing. What would be the point? People are staring anyway. Our language is lavish, our faces alive. My friends discuss the food, but for me, the food is unimportant. I’m feasting on the smorgasbord of communication ― the luxury of chatting in a language that I not only understand 100% but that is a pleasure in and of itself. Taking nothing for granted, I bask in it all, and everything goes swimmingly.

Until I accidentally say the word “soup” out loud.

Pointing at the menu, I let the word slip out to the server. And our delightful meal goes straight downhill. Suddenly, the wait staff’s mouths start flapping; the beautiful, reaching, visual parts of their brains go dead, as if switched off.

“Whadda payu dictorom danu?” the server’s mouth seems to say. “Buddica taluca mariney?”

“No, I’m Deaf,” I say. A friend taps the server and, pointing to her coffee, pantomimes milking a cow. But the damage is done. The server has moved to stand next to me and, with laser-focus, looks only at me. Her pen at the ready, her mouth moves like a fish. With stunning speed, the beauty of the previous interactions ― the pantomiming, the pointing, the cooperative taking of our order ― has disappeared. “Duwanaa disser wida coffee anmik? Or widabeeaw fayuh-mow?”

Austin “Awti” Andrews (who’s a child of Deaf adults, often written as CODA) describes a similar situation.

“Everything was going so well,” he says. “The waiter was gesturing, it was terrific. And then I just said one word, and pow!! It’s like a bullet of stupidity shot straight into the waiter’s head,” he explains by signing a bullet in slow motion, zipping through the air and hitting the waiter’s forehead. Powwwww.

Hearing people might be shocked by this, but Deaf people laugh uproariously, cathartically.

“Damn! All I did was say one word!” I say to my friends. “But why do you do that?” they ask, looking at me with consternation and pity. “Why don’t you just turn your voice off, for once and for all?” they say.

Hearing people would probably think I’m the lucky one ― the success story ― because I can talk. But I agree with my friends.

  —  I’m Deaf And I Have ‘Perfect’ Speech. Here’s Why It’s Actually A Nightmare.

[carnelian-pimpernel]

you ever have “cry and scream yourself awake” level nightmares that are immediately the stupidest premises imaginable the moment you actually wake up

[carnelian-pimpernel]

The key shortcut of "windows key" and "." held together has changed my life

like

emoji access? supremely powerful 🙂💖

But

Kaomoji ?

The year is 2013 and I am unstoppable ヾ(•ω•`)o o(*￣▽￣*)ブo(*°▽°*)o

[carnelian-pimpernel]

[carnelian-pimpernel]

this constant discrimination against us sex-havers needs to stop. you throw condoms at me and go "hey wetdick!" "bet you got some today wetdick!" "don't leave it in there too long it'll get pruned!" am i not a human being. if you cut me do i not bleed

#prev relatable lmfao

[carnelian-pimpernel]

There's a stairway to heaven and a highway to hell, but the midnight train goes anywhere. Trains are clearly the superior transit method.