chaotic-traumadrama

[chaotic-traumadrama]

I'm going to apologize to my teacher and stop discussing my environment. It's not her job or her training. I also think I'll unshare all my poetry so, she doesn't have to see it. I'll just write it elsewhere.

I want to keep caring, keep motivated and find a healthy spot again I'm just shit at it... I'm going to try better tomorrow.

⚠️ Trigger ⚠️ Boundary Pushing, mentions self-harm, k.s, thoughts. Triggers, mentions abuse.

I told my teacher I wasn't comfortable having a discussion because I wasn't in a safe space where I was alone. (Online schooling). She continued the discussion anyway, and shared her screen with the notes that made me feel unsafe in my environment.

I'm very clearly uncomfortable. I'm now triggered and pissed off. I don't care about school, I'm not even sure I care about living anymore.

I already told her that I can't discuss this right now. I already told her that I can't retain anymore right now. She held me back after class to keep talking and I don't know a fucking thing she said. Except for "I'm not trying to overwhelm you..." everyone always says that- usually when I'm already showing signs of distress (like scratching my skin) and *bringing up (directly) that SPECIFIC part of the document that I didn't want to discuss because, I'm not alone!!!

My face is scratched up now, my jaw is sore from clenching, and I'm trying to keep myself from crying. My partner just touched me and I jumped then, had to explain that I'm venting online. I started talking about how I feel like I don't see a point in school right now. She didn't even let me get to the actual dark stuff I'm feeling before she said: "Don't say that. That's not true. School is worth it."

All I said was: "That's why I'm venting to my phone."

-I write about my environment with my teacher, I know my perception can be inflamed because, I have big feelings. I do know that but, I've recently started struggling with what is my reality and what's just in my head- it's been years since I struggled with this. The last time it was like this- it was due to abuse. I'm not sure if I'm being abused or if it's my brain chemistry or society but, I know that I don't feel safe talking to anyone who's present in my life about it. Honestly, I'm not sure a real "safe place" exists. I'm starting to think it's a fairytale. I don't want to think that way- or be stuck, or not remember my teacher's words.. (especially because she's only ever done everything in her power to help me.)

I can't even type this without my train of thought being thrown off the rails because someone is requiring my attention... I feel like a selfish asshole just for wanting the space...

[chaotic-traumadrama]

⚠️ Trigger ⚠️ Boundary Pushing, mentions self-harm, k.s, thoughts. Triggers, mentions abuse.

I told my teacher I wasn't comfortable having a discussion because I wasn't in a safe space where I was alone. (Online schooling). She continued the discussion anyway, and shared her screen with the notes that made me feel unsafe in my environment.

I'm very clearly uncomfortable. I'm now triggered and pissed off. I don't care about school, I'm not even sure I care about living anymore.

I already told her that I can't discuss this right now. I already told her that I can't retain anymore right now. She held me back after class to keep talking and I don't know a fucking thing she said. Except for "I'm not trying to overwhelm you..." everyone always says that- usually when I'm already showing signs of distress (like scratching my skin) and *bringing up (directly) that SPECIFIC part of the document that I didn't want to discuss because, I'm not alone!!!

My face is scratched up now, my jaw is sore from clenching, and I'm trying to keep myself from crying. My partner just touched me and I jumped then, had to explain that I'm venting online. I started talking about how I feel like I don't see a point in school right now. She didn't even let me get to the actual dark stuff I'm feeling before she said: "Don't say that. That's not true. School is worth it."

All I said was: "That's why I'm venting to my phone."

-I write about my environment with my teacher, I know my perception can be inflamed because, I have big feelings. I do know that but, I've recently started struggling with what is my reality and what's just in my head- it's been years since I struggled with this. The last time it was like this- it was due to abuse. I'm not sure if I'm being abused or if it's my brain chemistry or society but, I know that I don't feel safe talking to anyone who's present in my life about it. Honestly, I'm not sure a real "safe place" exists. I'm starting to think it's a fairytale. I don't want to think that way- or be stuck, or not remember my teacher's words.. (especially because she's only ever done everything in her power to help me.)

I can't even type this without my train of thought being thrown off the rails because someone is requiring my attention... I feel like a selfish asshole just for wanting the space...

[chaotic-traumadrama]

My snap story from a few days ago. (Oddly 4/20 but, before I did any celebrations.) ⚠️triggers⚠️ Ableism, internalized Ableism, meltdown, rejection sensitivity

I had a meltdown because, of rejection sensitivity and a horrible realization all in one. I was removed from the guest list of a wedding of two people who wouldn't even know each other if I hadn't introduced the idea of setting them up in the first place. While their reasoning made sense and seemed reasonable, it was acknowledged that "it was weird" I wasn't gonna be there because, it wouldn't be happening without me. (I was invited through a message last year so, I started out with little faith that I was ever actually invited but, I told myself I was being paranoid.)

Then, I realized this isn't the first time. There's a running list of people who wouldn't have what they have right now, if not for running into me but, there seems to be a catch. Not a single one of these people talk to me. None of them. I'm recovering from agoraphobia so, inviting me out isn't easy, sure. I don't even get messages (conversation or check-ins) or memes...

So, I started to spiral and then, sensory overload added to it, and I became a bawling mess on the floor asking myself "Why am I so pathetic that I can shift a person's entire life and also be so forgettable that I'm left behind every time?" I couldn't stop asking: "Why am I so pathetic?" and I tried to believe and think I wasn't pathetic. I tried to repeat whispers "no your not" "we're passed this thinking." But, writing it out is what helped. Writing it made me slow down and think of the statistics and facts, and how my life is impacted by my brain. How a lot of what I experience can be explained. I tried not to invalidate my feelings. I also tried to tell myself the wedding things were not a big deal- people have to downsize venues sometimes.

(If they'd told me they were struggling for a venue- I could've maybe helped. I know someone who works at a fancy place that does wedding/sweet 16/lots of large parties, and they have catering and bar packages. I might've been able to see what I could do for them. Oh well...)

I hope in the future I can feel more balance, hope, and belonging in my 'village'.

[chaotic-traumadrama]

⚠️TW ⚠️ Religious Trauma, nuerodivergent (D.I.D) rep. In media, Ableism

(pre note: ive been questioning if I've had D.I.D or a subsidiary since high school, I'm not 100% sure and I've read cases of Autistic people (it was specific but, I can't source it cause it was a long time ago.) creating intense imaginary friends that mimic some behaviours.)

So, I was googling examples of named characters in media (for an angry poem about representation and nuerodivergency) and I decided to click the follow up Google questions:

1. Do people with D.I.D know they have D.I.D? (Clicked cause this would be my case if I fit under it.)

This was 'no' for the longest time but, has changed to actually sometimes, yes. (Yay research increases!)

2. How can you tell if someone is faking?

Exaggeration of symptoms (especially when observed), lie, blame bad behaviour on symptoms, and often show little distress in regards towards diagnosis.

Now, I'm just questioning (myself) but I have known other people with the diagnosis in my lifetime. (According to their peer review observations they (mostly) theorize that I have a subsidiary or that I have some in hibernation.) so I have something to say about the second one cause it made me upset.

First of all, a decent chunk of the people with diagnosis that I've known have exaggerated symptoms in the past because, nobody would believe them. (This is common amongst a lot of diagnosis, across the board actually, especially if they start in childhood, and if that child is neglected or typically good at masking.) The "especially when observed" thing- well YEAH- especially if it's a cry for help/understanding.

Secondly, "lie" is not specific enough, and being autistic I understand the experience of people telling me I'm lying (based on normal autistic traits) even when I'm not lying. So, how could you tell? You can't tell using autistic traits. If you see someone with D.I.D do something then they deny it later because they don't remember doing it- it's not a lie. (In my head my friend's roommate saw them move a chair but, the host doesn't have recollection of it happening, as an example.)

Thirdly, I have little issue with this one. The people I've known with diagnosis understand how to deal with problematic alters. They have a responsibility to the body as well as to the system. That being said, it's terrible wording. Bad behaviour happens and sometimes it's going to be because of an alter. So, my issue with this one is it's not specific.

Lastly, There are so many people with systems that are thankful for them. (Not everyone is, and things like new/waking/hibernating alters will cause distress.) I've met people who want a cure, and I've met people who feel better and safer because of their systems. Some systems work really well together and don't cause lots of distress. So, exhibiting little distress, isn't enough of a reason to deny what might very much be someone's reality. (I ask that it be considered: everything exists on a spectrum, maybe different types of spectrums. But, a spectrum.)

Note: This is the information as I know it, talking to and befriending people who live with D.I.D. I first and foremost believe the people who experience D.I.D (+ subsidiaries). Professionals still deny the existence of the diagnosis in many places, research is still limited, and the community will speak up. (As seen in the comment sections when Cinema Therapy talks about D.I.D) I myself am not a resource, and am just ranting.

Part of my reason to believe in my diagnosis has been based on shared experiences, and symptom matching. (Like my mother genuinely confronted me about if I was possessed, and this is apparently not uncommon in religious households.)

[chaotic-traumadrama]

Sometimes my partner will play music that they know triggers me (often in a speaker but, not always) when they're REALLY mad at me. I try to respond with some form of ignoring it but, I'll usually still have a reaction. Even if I block out the music with headphones.

Sometimes I think I'm being too sensitive. Especially because, if I play music in my headphones in response, it'll likely be blasting some sort of "fuck you!" anthem. But, I still can't shake the yucky feeling because, I know they've got music that triggers them too and I don't blast it. Not in response, not even in my headphones. I think I still might be taking it too personally/seriously- maybe it's not fair to hold them to that standard because it's my actions- not theirs?

[chaotic-traumadrama]

⚠️ TW ⚠️ (violence, gun violence, end of the world scenarios, parental issues, doomsday plans, murder, suffocation)

One of my trips down memory lane I did (technically yesterday-shit):

My parents (mostly my mom) were afraid of the world ending. (I don't blame them) and we often discussed a safety plan. The most common plan for me? Shoot me. It was a "mercy" kill. (Especially in a zombie scenario.)

An old (now ex) boyfriend was included more than me in planning these things. He was fit, had a chip on his shoulder, and was a "brutal honesty" kinda guy. He even agreed that they should shoot me, and he would if needed to or suffocate me with a pillow. (I got to hear everyone's way they'd kill me which I originally asked as a joke but, regretted after.) He would later try to motivate me to work out so I wouldn't die in the apocalypse.

I have my own apocalypse plan now but, I need more money to start though so, I try to hope I'll have everything I need by that time, should there be a time.

[chaotic-traumadrama]

⚠️ TW ⚠️ (mommy issues, abuse, chaotic emotions, estranged family)

Today (edit: yesterday technically) was hard. My mom and I don't have the best relationship...one of those "it was always doomed from the start" things... Today, she sent me a video -no context- that strongly suggested that I was at fault for my own abusive relationship (Which further strained our difficult relationship).

I reacted and asked her how she'd feel- and told her that it was insensitive, and it came off like she was telling me I chose that life. She said she took it as a conversation we had previously about, how you become the people you hang out with. I apologized for reacting before understanding and her response honestly baffled (I can't think of a more fitting word) me.

She said it was okay because, communicating often does more damage than good with us. Maybe one day we can fix it but if not, we live knowing we tried. (Paraphrased)

I don't know how to feel about this. Am I supposed to be angry because, how can she be satisfied with her efforts after everything we've been through? My abuser is still in both of my parents' lives- it's been years and I can't get rid of him!!

Am I supposed to feel proud because, she sees my efforts and she sees her own which is a milestone?

Am I supposed to feel sad? Because, I'm still not giving enough effort? Because, I constantly question if I'm not doing enough, if I'm not good enough. I CONSTANTLY fear dying and feeling like I could've done more for our bond. After all, we're the only ones who were there for like 90% of my personal disasters.

Am I supposed to feel exhausted? I do. I constantly can't sleep. I'm barely making it to my responsibilities. If I had more friends or time, I wouldn't have the energy to go out to see them. I barely ever have the energy to text.

Am I supposed to feel comforted by this? I don't. I don't in the slightest feel satisfied with the work in our relationship. I feel like if I died tomorrow, I'd be sad by these efforts. I'd die feeling like I never earned your love.

Am I supposed to feel some peace in this? Maybe. I've had the thought before when I first dropped all contact. "I did my best." "I tried to talk." "I tried to persist." "I tried to understand." "I tried." "I can at least die knowing I tried so goddamn hard for you." "I can die knowing I did my best and I always kept the door open with the key of an apology and changed behaviors."

I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. So many thoughts are rushing through my head and everything feels so loud. The weed helped calm me down so I'm not spiraling but, I'm worried about going numb to it. There's so much else I can't let myself get numb to, (Gaza and Congo come to mind) right now. I don't want to go numb but, I'm not always in control of it.

I've had so many adventures through trauma land today it'd be better to make multiple posts.

[chaotic-traumadrama]

⚠️TW (sex, religious, childhood trauma) ⚠️

Today in religious trauma: I was trying to have sex with my partner when all of a sudden the guilt of a god I no longer follow filled my body. I tensed in fear as I thought we would get into trouble. (Two enthusiastically consenting adults.)

We chuckled a bit at the idea we could "get into trouble" but, I suddenly "remembered" (felt on a bodily level) I was "ruined" because I've had unmarried, consensual sex, and here I was about to do it again.

My partner handled it very well, and when I feared ruining our mood she said I didn't have to go further than my body wasn't comfortable with. ❤️ The mood wasn't ruined and I didn't do anything wrong.

[chaotic-traumadrama]

⚠️TW⚠️ When I was a kid (6/7?) I wasn't allowed to go to surprise assemblies. When I started going to school, there was one day where we were held inside (for some reason I can't remember, they did it to the whole school), late after we were supposed to go home.

When we got home that day, my mom sat me down and told me that it was a rule, if I didn't know an assembly was going to happen, I wasn't allowed there. I would know because, she checks the school calendar and tells me what's happening at school, If it's different than, normal.

When I asked her why she said: "Because, that's how they (the government, or possibly an enemy of the country/state) would control the population. The children are 'the weakest link' to them, and they'll use them to control the adults." I asked how and she answered "They'd steal them and do horrible, horrible things to them."

Though, one time (a year or two later?) it backfired because, she forgot to tell me about an assembly and it wasn't on the announcements so I bailed and everyone was talking about some amazing-thing-i dunno- I-missed-it- and then, I got home and she was like: "Oh yeah, whoops-my bad, forgot to tell you."

[chaotic-traumadrama]

⚠️(TW- honestly, it's all over the place.)⚠️ I hear the question "what if your mom wanted to abort you?" Well, I'm in favour of her autonomy for one thing and for another I often wonder if she wanted to. It sounds horrible to some people but, there's something to understand here.

1. My mom didn't have access to abortion/proper(/good) health care. She had to give birth in one of the women's hospitals that you typically imagine being used for "unwed mothers" in a "different time"- not that different tbh because, that's indeed where she gave birth.

2. She couldn't afford to take care of me by herself, which forced her into many unfortunate situations (like arranged marriage to someone who might've actually ended us if the church hadn't approved the divorce, just for one example).

3. She had an extremely religious and possessive community (that she was previously trying to leave behind) "supporting" her. (Support was only really offered in exchange for control- if she'd gotten an abortion she wouldn't be able to return.- though she may not want to go back it's extremely difficult to leave a community that convinces you everyone else in the outside world hates you for the things you believe and are raised to believe.

4. She gets REALLY upset when I talk about her "jokes" from when she'd start to get mad/frustrated, or when she couldn't emotionally regulate. (Jokes about Not wanting me, trading me for a better behaved kid/boy (if she got specific-usually he was a friend of mine-), giving me up for adoption, or taking me out of this world since she brought me in it. Note: she stopped that one cause I asked her to follow through on more than one occasion.)

5. My mom is genuinely afraid of babies/baby things/small children (like avoiding the children/baby isles at the store because afraid being around the energy will invite a pregnancy).

6. Everyone told me how they told my mom she was "wrong about never wanting children." My grandparents, my mom's siblings, my mom's friends, people at church, my sperm dude.

7. My mom unfortunately has relived several traumas through me because, she was helpless in them happening to me as they had happened to her. (This was a consistent theme that made it extra difficult for her to heal her trauma, and often left me doing our emotional work Because, she would be triggered.)

Why would I still support her choice if I could? Be autonomy. Cause she'd be so much happier and healthier if she'd had complete autonomy in starting her family. Honestly, she may've never started one (Bonus points: I wouldn't have to live with mental illness combowombo'd with chronic illness/pain) and she might've been happier.

Maybe if she did choose a family in her own time, she could've built her own "village" and disconnected from toxic ties. Maybe she'd've broke her toxic dating cycle and healed herself to her best ability instead of always pushing herself to her limits and burning out. If that version of her would've become a mom, she might've been the mom, innocent child me, deserved. She could move on from the guilt and trauma, I'd like that for the both of us. Perhaps, in another universe. ❤️✨

[chaotic-traumadrama]

My partner and I are watching Steven Universe. One of her favorite shows and it's been on my list for a while. I've seen some episodes here and there but, I've never seen the whole series so, this is my first time sitting down and actually watching the whole series. Sheesh, it hurts. I've seen about the first thirds of the first season and I've seen almost the entirety of Lapis' arc. (Because, I'd previously been warned that she's going to hurt me on a personal possibly triggering level, and she does. )

I was not prepared for Amethyst and Pearl as a combination to remind me of my mom. I also didn't expect Amethyst to remind me of my tía, and I definitely didn't expect to relate to Steven as much as I do.

I thought, I was gonna get emotionally kicked in by Pearl's flaws. I thought surely her perfectionism, her servitude, her inability to see that her specific way of doing things can be harmful to those around her...etc...that will be what hurts me nope, it's Steven.

I'm nearing the end of season one ( loving the show thus far) and we just watched the episode where the gems test Steven cause he feels like he's ready for it. I wasn't ready for the scene where he compensates for how they feel.