charlottaolivia

[charlottaolivia]

Time to write again

 I haven’t written on here for a while and I know that means I have been busy and probably doing relatively okay health wise but I think that even when I feel healthy I should be writing. 

I haven’t been feeling crash hot from the start of this year and I guess that is normal when you start a new job. I also haven’t got a clue where I am going or what goals I even have anymore. I am going to Norway for my friends wedding in July and so that has been nice to look forward to and I have a lovely space studio apartment which I live in. Lots of plants and I live close to friends.

But I don’t know what I am up to. And I am worried about a relapse. But I guess the fact I am aware is a good thing. 

Friday was a shit storm and I don’t think I am ready to write about it yet but my sister wrote a poem which I will share here...

People are scared 

And people are dying 

Please hold my hand 

While the world is crying. 

Our world is hurting 

Side by side we stand 

And as lives are torn apart 

All I feel is your hand. 

So when it gets dark 

And the world seems full of hate 

Reach out, hold someone’s hand 

Hold on to our humanity 

it’s never too late.

[charlottaolivia]

My dear littlest sister modelling her Christmas present which I hand made for her by Skeindeer Knits in the traditional norwegian colour work of Selbu Mittens.

#selbumittens #norwegianknitting #skeindeerknits

[charlottaolivia]

Thoughts from my brain to this page

When you have a mental illness cocktail it can be awkward. I have the nice mix of anxiety with a generous dollop of depression. I have been thinking lately that I want to write a book about things. I don’t want it to be traditional and I don’t want to adhere to social norms. I have begun to realise that I don’t fit in the box that people like to put me in so why should a book I write do that either? But the trouble is I haven’t got it all sorted into how or what I want to include and why... What is the purpose of this “book” or is it actually meant to be a blog? Or is it meant to be a youtube channel? I also have a fear that by putting myself out there then I will be exposed and ostracised. That the diagnosis with be all people see. My illness isn’t all of me but it is a part of me and one which I think will be there for life. 

I often think about how much of a hypocrite I really am. I work as an educator and the belief I have in my students is exponential. I truely believe they can do anything they put their minds to and have this unconditional support. But when it comes to myself I am not my biggest supporter. Why is this? Why do I believe I am not good enough? Why do I hesitate to leap when I know that the universe will most likely catch me? 

I have so much passion for art and craft and in a lot of ways I know that this has saved me and healed me. I want to share what I have learnt with others. I want to make sure I help them. To prevent what happened to me or just to let them know they aren’t alone. For me that was one of the biggest things. Knowing I wasn’t alone in this illness and that there was hope. Clinging to that got me through the dark days when even getting out of bed was too hard. 

I also think of my family and how fucked up families can be. I mean I love them but I also have a feeling that my friends are my family. My illness and my family are something that conflict. There is a saying that you cannot get better living in the same place that made you sick in the first place. I feel this rings true and even relates to my family. The support is not something I can get them to change yet I don’t need it. Often the support comes with expectations and conditions. I am an adult yet they will always see me as a child. That is natural yet I would like to be seen as who I really am and not feel I need to fit into the mould they expect of me or for me. What I need in my life is unlikely to be what they have wished for me. 

I guess overall I want to live a life that if I die tomorrow I have no regrets. I also want to live a life in which my brain doesn't decide that I need to die. It’s a fine line. 

[charlottaolivia]

Living big in a tiny house

I have been thinking a lot about what I need to keep healthy and I get coming back to the idea of being self- sufficient in a tiny house that is off the grid with edible gardens surrounding. I would also like to produce my own fibre and textiles from sheep that I have and ideally I would also like to have my own flock of hens. The size of the tiny house will not need to be large as I would also like to spend time outdoors. I would like to build it from reclaimed items and would be willing to learn how to do a lot of it myself. 

More and more the world we live in is removed from the production of food and since my illness I have connected with the growing of plants. Having plants helped green my apartment living space and gave me a good reason for getting out of my bed when the paralysis of depression would insist on me staying put. I would have to get up and open the curtains or my plants would die. I actually credit the plants for helping me survive through some trying times. On walks I would collect seedlings, cuttings mostly from succulents from the front of peoples gardens and I would go to second hand stores looking for things to plant them in. The excuse to get outdoors and then to interact with people was what my anxiety needed. 

On my way to owning my own tiny house I can see that I might have to transition through perhaps a caravan renovation and renting some land. I always want experiences over things but having the ability to live completely off the grid is really something I desire. I would love to have the chance to produce my own food and get back to basics. So this year my new years “resolution” is to try and grow as much green food as I can for myself. I plan to start with lettuce and rocket as these are year long easy grow for inside. I also think I will grow some kale. Last year New World offered a seeds each time you spent a certain amount of money with your food and I grew zucchini and kale from seed. I am now harvesting from these plants and the sense of achievement is amazing. I also like that I am saving money and I know exactly where the plants have been grown and what has gone into growing them. Its nice to also help provide habitat to all the smaller creatures in the mean time. 

I am currently house sitting on a life-style block in a house that is far larger than anything I would ever need its a 4 bedroom with 2 bath and huge. It is lovely but I have no aspirations for owning one like this myself. The land however I see so much potential in although that too is more than I would require. I would like enough land to have vegetable gardens and fruit orchards and some animals. I think I would start with hens and then work towards some sheep for grazing and then also a kunekune pig for the orchard. And as a companion I would love a wee pug. From my wee spot I would love to have solar power and rainwater fed water supplies. I would love to collect seed myself from the plants to then plant in the future. And along with this I would love to make my own clothes from recycled fibres. An idea I have is to make my clothes like a dress from old bed sheets or curtains at op shops. Preventing the waste the fashion industry creates by shopping second hand is something I hope to continue to do. I would also like to plant native species and learn more about the properties of native plants. For example the aloe vera properties of flax plants and how I can extract and use this myself. I would love to also make my own soap and shampoos etc. 

So really there will be a lot of learning and earning needed before this dream can become reality but I can see small elements of this being possible this year. Learning about plants and how to grow them in the urban environment I live in currently will be a great start. Taking small steps will see me move towards the future I would like for my own health both physically and mentally going forward. I am looking forward to keeping you posted on my journey to live big while living tiny 

Charlotte x

[charlottaolivia]

I did it ! My Stephen West Boneyard Shawl is complete and is a delicious bundle of yarny goodness ! This shawl has been a source of sanity during what has been a crazy time. I miss knitting on it but I am excited to cast on another project soon ! 

#Stephenwest #Boneyardshawl #knitting #knittersoftheworld

[charlottaolivia]

I haven't posted on here in a while but I would like to get back into blogging online. Stephen West is a huge style inspiration for me in the knit world. He's a creative designer who describes himself as a nomad and travels the world. His designs are amazing and I am currently knitting his Boneyard Shawl pattern (Grey and Cream shawl) using the colours he currently works with as inspiration. I am calling my shawl my “sanity” shawl because I cast it on during a particularly difficult time in my studying life and needed something bright colourful and creative to escape to. I struggled to make it through a full time teaching placement and I have begun to reconsider how my next step will look like. I am beginning to realise that it may not be conventional but it needs to be for me. Outside of the box here I come.

[charlottaolivia]

Keeping your brain healthy

Luckily the brain fog seems to have cleared for the time being and so I am now left with lower levels of anxiety and higher levels of motivation. However I know I am not fully recovered. I know that my illness and ways to work with it will be something I have to do all my life. I find that I am stopping and appreciating the smaller things in life. I find I am better able to focus on positive over negative and to take a step back from the things that won't help me keep well. I wouldn't say I am better and I may never fully recover to how I once was but at the same time how I was lead me to where I am and so there isn't much point in gazing back unless its to learn from the past and move on...One day at a time.

[charlottaolivia]

This is a portrait of a furry friend I made this summer. Her name is Svetlana and is (I think) a Russian blue cat. She kept me company while I was house sitting and loved to cuddle while I crocheted. There is definitely something about having animals around the house that makes it become a home. 

[charlottaolivia]

This is a photo of the art prints that the artist Olivia Bezett sells at markets and in stores as well as online. I find great inspiration from seeing how creative she is and how much people enjoy her art. One day I'd like to do the same.

[charlottaolivia]

Today I cycled all the way into the central city and went to knitworld to get more yarn for mums blanket. On the way back I stopped for a lunch break and decided to go to the ballantynes cafe and treat myself to a smoothie with views

[charlottaolivia]

My current budget is the tightest it's ever been with pretty much zero room for movement aside from using my overdraft and credit card so to feed myself in 2017 I'm getting creative. Here are some homemade tortillas I made from scratch which taste scrummy.

[charlottaolivia]

This is a portrait of the Golden Lab Enzo who I have been looking after- I have decided that 2017 is going to be there year I really explore my artistic side and see what I can actually do. I’ve always loved art ever since I was little and could hold a pen in my hand I've been big on drawing. I would like to explore mixing digital with my sketching and art sort of like what I've done above. I also want to look into making prints so I can sell my work and try to earn some money doing something that I love so much and to help me feed myself this year. I wish I had ignored all the voices telling me I could never make a living as an artist and that I would be better off being a scientist. But I think teaching is going to allow me to channel my creativity in many different ways, inspire others and to help myself to eventually have my own art studio and maybe even have my own wee store and business. with my wee black pug and maybe a cat. Luckily dreams are free.

[charlottaolivia]

So I have been house sitting since before christmas looking after a dog, a cat and 5 fish in a 3 bedroom house. The house has a 60′s/ 70′s decor which I could get on board with but I think it needs some updating. The owners who are just a little bit older than me purchased it off his grandparents who are still alive and come to it often to do the garden and mow the lawn so any changes are often frowned upon. It almost feels like the grandparents packed up but left most of their things behind just where they always were. There are so many trinkets collecting dust. Anyway today I cleaned and I tried a little interior decorating with zero money. I think I may have been watching too much of the living channel...

The first photo above is a repurposed draw that I took the rollers off to make as a funky side table. I took the wrapper of a tin can that I had eaten the contents of to create a vase and then from the garden I cut some green ivy and placed it in water. This creates a plant that you never have to water and brings some much needed green into the space. It also has the added benefit of using up carbon dioxide from inside the house and creating some oxygen. 

The second photo is of a glass coffee table that I found buried in a corner under a pile of stuff. I decided to pull it out and tidy the stuff. After a wipe down it scrubbed up nicely and I then found a pretty green jug with white spots hidden with the mugs in the kitchen and decided to use it as a wee vase. I picked some yellow flowers to add some sunshine to the room. I also picked some purple flowers and cleaned a glass crystal vase that was covered in dust to display them in. Overall there is a huge improvement in the living space. 

It has been great to stay here but I am looking forward to sleeping in my own bed and being back in my own space. I have felt like I have been camping which is appropriate as it is summer time. I have loved the animals and I know I will get my own when I am ready and not moving around all the time. They help to add purpose to a day. 

[charlottaolivia]

Finding my way in brain fog

Have you ever found that you go to try and remember something only to realise you can't remember what it was. And then you feel like your brain is sort of foggy and fuzzy and out of focus. That you try to sharpen your mind only to discover that you can't. There isn't really glasses you can get to focus your brain. Medication sort of helps. But its like your brain is a sieve. Some of the bigger things are often caught but little fiddly simple things fall through these holes and are forgotten. You can be having a conversation one second and then  find you are suddenly blank lost your train of thought. Not just a carriage but the entire train. Its quite disheartening not being able to rely on your brain. Or to be able to focus it long enough to read a book and enjoy it. 

I dub this phenomenon ‘brain fog’ because its not completely gone, its there, just difficult to make out. And sadly you have to go much slower through life as a result. Although I previously lived my life driving in the fast lane, I find myself suddenly in the slow lane surrounded in fog and with a bit of a flat tyre. Ive had to pull over and get some road side assistance (Doctor and Counsellor) and learn some life basics to jump start myself. Only to find that I completely burnt my motor out. The weather conditions for driving through life can no longer be ignored as I have in the past. Turns out ignoring the check engine and fuel lights in life is a pretty terrible idea. All those pre warning signs your body gives you really should be taken seriously or you end up burnt out on the side of a highway. Even when you jumpstart yourself the spluttering and staling happens and sometimes you accidentally end up in reverse. And you don't end up driving in a straight line. 

In fact after a chunky case of burnout you tend to look like a person learning to ride a bike for the first time. It goes much slower than a car. Takes a lot more effort. Highly relevant to note this fact as just getting out of bed and having a shower can take all your energy for the day. And the wobbles and not really travelling in a straight line. And the falling over repetitively holding onto the hope that one day you can end up gliding again or at least gain some suspension for all the bumps in the road of life. I think the hardest part is finding hope in the darkness of the brain fog, seeing past the lightening of anxiety, the thunder of depression and finding the calm amongst the storm. Some days are better than others. Which happens whether you live in the fast lane or the slow. 

I use hope as a light to guide me through the terrifying blinding brain fog. It gives me some vision to help see just in front of me. Which is just enough for me to take each day... one day at a time. 

[charlottaolivia]

A christmas creation from driftwood i foraged on the beach the other day... fitting for a New Zealand summer inspired Christmas !

[charlottaolivia]

It has been a while since I last made post, which is a shame because re-reading my previous ones was really good ! I will endeavour to keep up the odd post on here if even just for me. Its important that I continue to write even if my brain is foggy and seems scrambled and mushy. Here is a shot I captured at the Botanic Gardens.

[charlottaolivia]

Today I helped my friend have a spring clean out and to organise her room. I actually really enjoy helping someone tidy and organise their things. I myself have learnt over time that having a clean out of things can actually be hugely beneficial. It clears space and makes a room more liveable. There is less stuff to clean and tidy. There is less so you can actually see more and wear things more because they aren’t buried and I am definitely all for being able to feel like you can shop in your own wardrobe. My friend was exhausted by the end of the day but we made a huge difference to her room and I hope she will find it a bit easier to keep on top of now that it is all sorted. I know I am glad I have got rid of things as clutter doesn’t help anyone live a calm and peaceful life.