cherry-jim
hurry up, we're dreaming
from morning to morning, just us two
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i hate you so much you just keep bringing pain im so miserable just leave me just leave me now if that is what you really want
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i’m back and i’m feeling heavy. sad. and there’s a weight on my chest and i can’t really breathe. i feel really alone
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Perhaps, I am in need. Perhaps, I am struggling. And I am also struggling to admit that I am struggling. I am surrounded by uncertainties, I have claimed to cut these ties, but maybe, deep down, there’s still some part of me holding on.
But I am too prideful, to return, to be the one to initiate it first. Because the last time I did, people said I was attacking you.
And now, I am lost. I am free. I am burdened. I am loved. I am in love. But I am tired. I wish things were easy. I wish we did not have to struggle. I am drained. I am so drained. Do I feel resentful?
Can I let go?
Should I let go?
What do I make of this?
I am strong. But maybe not as strong as I thought I would be.
What do I need? What do I want?
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Don’t really know what I’m feeling but it’s not great. Kinda tired and feeling a plateau. Also hate how just fully giving up is not an option. Like i literally can’t not work. But anyways .
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it’s been a long while since i logged into tumblr. a lot has changed and i guess i just felt like penning my thoughts down.
i guess one of the major things that happened this year, although it doesn’t feel like it was actually this year, was that a and i broke up. that was at the beginning of february. it’s only may, but the first half of this year has really felt immensely long. but anyway. i was the one to bring it up, some late night when i was on my way back home from headquarters. i was sitting in the back of the grab and i don’t know why i felt so strange. well, i had been feeling that way for a while now. it started somewhere around the end of december (julia’s christmas dinner party), slowly seeping into my mind during january (ana’s wedding), worsening toward the end of the month (that CNY period).
i began to fall out of love. our fights were getting worse. they could be about the most ridiculous thing. i started to feel less loved. maybe i was loving less too. i was definitely loving less. i’m wracking my brain for the memories of this, of us, but it’s begun to dissipate.
i was spending a lot more time with my friends. my last day of work was nearing. back then, i still had plans for copenhagen (so so heartbroken that it got cancelled). i was excited for all the freedom to come. and i started to feel like i wanted freedom from him too. there was a buildup of events and incidents that abated my feelings for him.
there were often times in the shower i would ponder - “was he really the one i wanted to marry?” honestly speaking, deep down, my answer was no, not really. if it was a yes, it was accompanied with “then you’re just settling”. there was a part of me that didn’t want to let it go, because we had been through a lot to even start what we had been. maybe i felt like it would’ve gone to waste. but there was a part of me that felt like i wanted, needed more. i wasn’t satisfied. we were always arguing. it was tiring. we were both finding it hard to compromise. and to be brutally honest, when i agreed to date him at the very beginning, it was partially because i felt bad, a little guilty. it wasn’t like a yes, god yes, i want to go out with you. it was a little what if i don’t find someone else. i mean, eventually, i did really like and then love him. i’m not discrediting him nor our past relationship. but i can’t deny that it was more him than me, at the start.
anyway, this is going to sound real cliche.
s appeared again in my life. i’ve known him, or rather who he was, since four years ago. i used to work at penny’s affiliated cafe down at tampines west community club. his elder brother worked there too. and he, he worked at the little churro shop downstairs, opposite starbucks.
i’ve always thought he was cute since back then. but even back then, i was with c. i never really saw much of him after that, unless i went down to penny. anyway, somewhere around the end of last year, i went to motherdough to meet fadhli and the rest. and he was there too. it was the first time he ever really spoke to me, because i accidentally drank some of his tea and he jokingly asked me to pay him for it. it took me a little by surprise, because i’ve always thought of him as really shy, and definitely not a joker. whenever i saw him, he always looked so serious and stoic. anyhow, we all went for dinner after that. i was still with a at this point. he came down for dinner too. a has never met him before so upon arrival, he asked me “who’s that guy at the end?” i replied “that’s ____. he works at penny too.”
then end january came. it was the end of that hellish cny period at work. a and i had been through a pretty fucking rough patch, but we were still hanging on. my sister and i had just gone for spin and we were heading to fayidha for dinner with (yep, you guessed it) fadhli and the rest. now, i know the memory should not be clear in my mind... yet it is. it’s ever so distinct.
my sister and i were seated side by side. i looked up and i saw fadhli, ameer and him walking toward our table. i think my heart might’ve skipped a little bit. there was something in my chest, a little fluttery feeling. a tinge of excitement. i hadn’t known he was coming. then i mentally reprimanded myself. a was coming for dinner too. how could i even look at someone else?
but a hadn’t arrived yet. and s had begun to make jokes. i really didn’t know he was the type, but i found myself laughing anyway. when a finally arrived, i felt a little sick in my stomach. i was secretly stealing glances at another boy while my own boyfriend was seated next to me.
he’s really handsome. s. his nose is sharp and i can definitely tell you that god spent a little extra time on the dip of his cupid’s bow. his jawline is cutting. he is gorgeous. and he has that hairstyle, the short bangs type. a hairstyle i’ve always loved on boys. he gives off a real bad boy persona (again with the cliches).
that night, i began to understand what cherry valance meant when she said “I hope I never see Dallas Winston again. If I do, I’ll probably fall in love with him.”
there was another night we all went to simpang for dinner. i was supposed to meet a that day but he had cancelled on me last minute due to something that happened during soccer. so instead, i found myself waiting for fadhli to end work so we could all hang. a few of us, including s, ended up at simpang. and that night, that night i think i really fell in love with s.
i’m not saying it was a’s fault or whatever. but i think it’s funny how the events unfolded the way it did, all because he cancelled on me that day.
post-breakup, i kept denying that s had anything to do with it.
but i think i knew, deep down, a part of me wanted some part of him.
and it’s not like i actually knew him at that point or that we were even talking, asides from when i saw him at penny.
but he was charming and sweet.
we started talking days after my breakup. and i kind of hated myself for it. because i didn’t really know what i was searching for. or again, maybe i did but i was just too afraid to admit it.
naturally, the friends who knew about it advised me against it, because it was not letting me heal properly. except nira. nira was all for it. i felt sad about the breakup only on some days, and it wasn’t many days either. and then, s and i talked more and more, and we flirted and we talked and we flirted and we talked.
i was a little scared at first. because i found myself smiling at his messages (can I please stop with the fucking cliches, please I am begging myself…) and i didn’t really know what we were doing and i was a little scared it might be nothing to him.
but he voiced his concerns. he was worried i was just trying to fill the void. everyone thought it was odd that we were hanging out, just the two of us.
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i stopped writing this a while back lol but the point is i love him so much and he is everything! one day i will pen down all about him, the way he deserves to be written about. but for now, he has my heart and i his!
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I was soaked and freezing cold by the time we reached this alpine lake, but something about the sound and tranquility kept me completely unbothered.
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