chloemokthequeen

[chloemokthequeen]

Cat's out of the bag. Then again, nobody is looking for the cat lol.

I wrote a book about my late grandmother.

It is utterly terrifying to have people consume my writing to the extent that I'm cringing so hard at the thought of squinting eyes and potentially a half raised eyebrow.

If I choose shying away, then I'd lose the chance to tell her story. A tragic one at that.

I gotta stay strong and trust that the story will carry itself and forget about my pride.

I don't know yet how am I going to publish the book, but for now, my beta readers will be part of my last round of edits before I have the final manuscript.

[chloemokthequeen]

Bruised knee.

The inability to "bend the knee" has decidedly made me Queen.

[chloemokthequeen]

Blame fairy tales

We were only kids

Can't do anything right

Thought it was love

But it was just chains

Came with a whole lot of pain

People say you'll know when it's love

But how the fuck would we know what is love

People say love is letting go

Is that how we all learn to grow?

Young and stupid

Hopeless romantics

We thought that was it

You broke my heart

For the very first time

It would break many more times

Those tears I shed

I wish I didn’t

I wish I saved it for myself

I wish you've found her

To give you what I couldn't

[chloemokthequeen]

Amidst her chant, she mumbles under her breath some noises that sound like self-directed arguments where she can find no answers to as she spirals into a bottomless pit of trepidation and angst.

#Popo Mok

[chloemokthequeen]

That single strand of white is proof that we're really, really growing old together :)

It's not Valentines Day, nobody's birthdays and not even anniversaries. I just wanted to say that I love you Mr J. More than your bones can fathom, more than your eyes can sense.

You irritate me every day, and there is never a day that passes without me rolling my eyes all the way to the back then back at you. I'll still love you. Each day, more even. It's annoying, really, but you truly are the most extraordinary, beautiful human being.

Thank you for loving me too.

Most of all, thank you for letting me be me. Everything I was, am and will be, or at least want to be. You make it so easy to love you and I can't finish counting my lucky stars.

The day you waltzed into my life, I knew I was ruined. Forever, it would seem.

I love you Mr J so you better don't forget that when I leave my dishes unwashed again.

#husband love

[chloemokthequeen]

God, tell us the reason

Youth is wasted on the young

It's hunting season

And the lambs are on the run

Searching for meaning

But are we all lost stars

Try to light up the dark?

#lost stars

[chloemokthequeen]

Unsettled.

Just you know, a pile of emotions I have no time to unpack or sort through. So in a pile, I'll settle in.

[chloemokthequeen]

Sewing.

One hobby I no longer have time to indulge in.

[chloemokthequeen]

Ok you guessed it.

My new year resolution is to be more myself and less cool.

#new year resolutions

[chloemokthequeen]

Always Wanting.

It is ever a pit. Bottomless and filled with endless pining for more. If I were a bird, I'd most likely die suffocated by extreme heights.

Never really liked being in the middle, exploring mediocrity in limbo.

[chloemokthequeen]

If only you know how much you are missed.

[chloemokthequeen]

Music.

It's a funny thing because I have had the privilege to learn it and immerse in, but have never quite fallen in love. It's not sour grapes either since I do have decent skills, but I just never got bit by that bug. Probably because I took it for granted. Oh, for sure. For decades, I don't fancy listening to songs and never liked music playing in my ears.

Until now.

It took a whirlwind of stress and wanting, that I stumbled back into this art. Hell, it didn't hit me as an art form until now. Music is sappy and I finally understand why. The composition of lyrics, notes and just the wrap-up on its own, is such art.

Where the hell have I been?

I'm catching up, very granularly and gradually. They are inspiring, to say the least. Putting notes in my head to my hands is undoubtedly the most exhilarating experience, and I'm definitely still learning how to nail those tunes.

Can't believe it's finally happening. O, how it lifts my spirits with just the tinker of my heartstrings.

#findingmusic

[chloemokthequeen]

The Postpartum Ordeal.

The woman's body is a wonder, and with childbirth, it is a host of shambles in plain view. 66 months of having those nipples being a source of nourishment have left a silhouette permanently undone. Two children and seven years before my body is finally mine again.

Where it used to house an embryo is now a sagging pooch. Where the scalpel cut to retrieve an infant now surfaces pain with every exertion. Where the nourishing happened, they are now just flabs. All the late nights have left their indelible ink under eyes. Childbearing is rough, childcare is traumatic but the loss of self is a whole other world of agony.

For seven years, this body that was my birthright became my children's birthright. Before it was theirs, it belonged to their father. My body was no longer mine and I had obligations to nourish, comfort, and be a vehicle for whatever is needed for children's happiness.

Above all, this ravaged and fatigued body that was all touched out, suffering from low progesterone and oestrogen levels, was also tasked to keep the marriage alive. Nipples and vagina, wondrous organs the gods have created to give life at the woman's expense. What a scornful time it has been.

No one told me that was temporary, and I would feel my body again. It wasn't forever, albeit feeling like it. The body comes back in increments. First the breasts, they are no longer in the way. Then the body odor completely gone. Then the sensation at the scar returning with muscles and nerve endings healing. Then the growing progesterone levels that are bringing moisture back. Sex is no longer a literal pain and I am myself again. Anxiety levels are lowering because there is now breathing space.

There is now a world filled with hope and joy. No longer walking around with a conscious fear that my body will be demanded to satisfy anyone again. My wellbeing is at last recuperating from a whole lot of bruises. Physical and emotional.

What a journey. I'm back, finally.

#postpartumordeal #postbreastfeeding #postpartumbody #postpartum

#postpartum #postpartum body

[chloemokthequeen]

Already a fan of Nicholas Galitzine and his range is ridiculous. His next two R-rated shows are going destroy me. Well done you pretty boy.

#nickgalitzine

henry and jeff are a same person

#bottomsmovie #rwrb #redwhiteandroyalblue #henryfox #jeff

[chloemokthequeen]

This knot in me is igniting the deepest discomforts, and here I am, digging up my earworms to relieve some of the anxiety. I do not wish anyone to be me with now.

Breathe easy, woman.

[chloemokthequeen]

Plunged into a trail of realisation by a simple Christmas greeting. Confronting emotions I dared not yet conjure and am definitely procrastinating this sadness.

O, till then, mulling can wait.

[chloemokthequeen]

There's a longing, however infinitesimal, it always aches and will always do. Finding my way back to myself amidst the noise and capitalism that are determined to plunge me further into blissful ignorance. Yet, I will stay still and try.

The throbs and throes, ever will they be reminiscent of a life unrequited.

#infinitesimalache