chxxry

[chxxry]

16062021

Hi. 

I am now 27, and so much had happened. I’m just going to talk about just, the past 24hour. Every year, I have different things to be grateful for and same as this year. Every year, I open my eyes to different things, and no different for this year. I was expecting myself to do it quietly and just stay in bed in peace. But I was slightly wrong, this year I had no cake, nothing because I really didn’t want them at all. So nothing from my family but just simple.

Having through all the negative moments about people and emotions, I never thought I will still have days where I felt so worth while. When reading a letter that is filled with so much feelings, all so real and genuine. When the “I Love You” meant more than just simple words, they only bring me happy tears of being appreciated. Then the feeling when I open the door to not be greeted by delivery man, but familiar faces of people I knew less than a year. They surprise me at my door, which was something I used to hope for since I was 14. And after 13 years, they arrived after work even from the west side which really make me feel to them, this meant something. I really really deep down in my heart, to think about it brings me tears because it was something I had wished for years. These actions, are actions that people make the extra length and I am more than just thank you. The handful who remembered, thank you too for making it an effort to remember. That one person who did it once the clock hit 00:00, thank you too even in the group. To that one friend, who never fail every year, thank you for always remember even to make simple effort pre covid with asking me for a meal to now covid moments of delivery. To have you as my friend for so long, for you to always remember, really bring me to see more and realise how much I know my bad days and good ones will have you along. Even more so during the bad ones.

Once again, I appreciate everyone who remembers, who send their wishes and those who do more than what they need to. I really still am thankful for who I was and to have who I am now today. I won’t lie about some disappointment but I told myself, it is just something to learn and see about. And again, no expectations and love myself before anything else. The disappointment ain’t the events above, just sometimes you know better where you really stand and it is okay because it ain’t the first. At the end, still. I am working on myself still and I believe it will be different again one year later.

I have more news to announce but shall wait and see, after all I should come back more.

[chxxry]

28112020

Hello after the last post.

Nothing much today but a lot of contemplations on my life. 2020 is about to end, at the very least today I feel better which is a plus. This is why I love to live my life day to day without plans but it doesn’t work that way ain’t it. I felt bad about the breakdowns I had, I felt unhappy about having breakdowns but I guess it is just a way me releasing to rest my energy. Odd ball I am since a kid, but as a kid I always have a positive idea on life which came out different obviously. I always had this idea of having a perfect family, then a group of friends who will always be there, a bestfriend from young till age start to be like wine and it goes on.

But no, my life wasn’t that way and I thank myself but being an odd ball too. An odd ball who doesn’t fight with others (My parents use to say my toys will always be snatched from me but I would make no effort to cry or fuss about it), the odd ball who overthinks but tries to keep it positive, silent odd ball that people cannot read unless I decide it is alright to show it, on and on it goes. And I grew with them as an adult now, with a kid mindset. I love the oddball I am, and I love my sense of independence even if it had turn many way or just people think I am always that strong. I ask myself this question, “who comes to your mind when you need someone emotionally and physically or even if it is a problem?” My answer, “Me”. I thought for a long time, and I really couldn’t pin on someone I know I can fully lean on and be like “I feel safe”. I do have friends that I lean on sometimes, but they are usually after the results or they were not a big matter. If you ask me, definitely it is exhausting and it is killing me in every aspect. My family couldn’t understand my brain or my human ideas, to them it was just me being emotionally problematic. The only place I could be me, is my house but at the same time, I couldn’t do it as well. Which is why, I never lean on my family either, while they lean on mine Where I tell myself “they are family, deal with it”, and it is really unhealthy, totally not recommending to anyone to do that. If things can be shared upon family, if it can be express more freely, it will be what family is meant to be about. I envy my friend’s family but it didn’t get to me on wanting to replace mine, I am still love but just not the way it should be.

As a kid, I love and envy the idea of people having the friend they grew up with. Till today I do envy, even though I do not put the term “friend” in my mouth so often these days. I am just glad that I had put things down where, when I see the time with some friends, I smile. I do not feel the pain, I do not feel mistreated, I do not feel the negative but I just smile and think about what we had then. Some says this is forgiving while others say this is healing. I think is both, I forgive and forgive myself as well. A lot of lesson learn, a lot of worthy memories, that even now these lessons applies. Sure, trust in faith is not that large, and sure enough I wasn’t who I was. Admit to how I start distancing from people because it is call protection. Protect my own heart and mind, I know what I can hold and what I can’t. I am still learning so much, so many times I wish for someone but I know having someone means chances of disappointment. And there is where my conflict comes in, where my emotional mindset goes crazy. Because to them, it is alright but to me, it was not alright and it was hell. Ever the feeling where you want to say something but you can’t because you think about “what if they are having it worst” and I know one thing, the ones I really put my heart would never appreciate even if I disappear one day. 

I am still waiting for the day, the day I leave here and delete every social media possible on my traces. Because I know that is when I will be free. I have nothing on mind but just to leave here for good and be free. Be someone that nobody knew, be someone new again.

26, 4 years to get myself out of here. My dream, my goal. My love, my life.

Let’s see where I will go.

Proud of myself, proud of my independence, proud of my strength and even more proud to breakfree.

[chxxry]

29072020

Odd, I know. Update again. I am too weird, I am suspecting myself.

Alright, cut that crap but hello! Because I have a topic in my mind and I thought it will be nice to write down. I honestly have yet watch Kissing Booth 2, but I did with the first one and I wasn’t a fan. Maybe, I am too out of the teenage fan-ing cheesy love plots or maybe I am just too realistic. I do fantasise love, but not in with what shows portray even for After or To All the Boys. But I read a lot and my imagination runs wild, so I guess I will say I am a book over the screen. 

But the topic is not about these, or maybe partly, about toxic relationships I guess. I mention Kissing Booth is because, for the first movie, I didn’t really like how the relationship the characters have. I could sense the very vibe between the characters. Like, so many many way that I know I would never date if there is a real life Noah, or I actually had met one but not as fantasy as the show. With the second one, I have watch the trailer to clips to every fanpages where the fans shows clips till it is like I watched everything before I even hit Netflix. And it was a lot worst that I cannot lay a finger to want to watch it. My friend hit me up and told me that she watched it and it was quite something. I won’t say much but, when she mention a thing or two with all the clips I saw. I know, I won’t be enjoying it as much as I hope I will. 

There is a difference between love and abusive. Weird that I say love and abusive? These days a lot of “love” are shown as control, possessive and the usual “happy” ending, which is 200% wrong. BIG MISTAKE, if you ask me, because love doesn’t work that way. And teens are craving for such the way that many are just pure abuse, and one is Fifty Shades. And many of these people do not see it because they are in the situation, while those outside are watching it trying to warn and make the involve stay away but guess what? “I LOVE HIM/HER, SHE/HE LOVE ME TOO” yeap, sorry but that ain’t love.

Love is not suppose to be possessive or controlling. Love is suppose to be free spirited and at the same time knowing you always have someone as your pillar. When people says “I love you” so easily like drinking water, it got me thinking really hard. “Do you even know what is Love, or do you even know why you are saying that?” With Social Media, the way things are portray are just pure envy and leading to misconception. Abusive is where all the possessive, controlling, manipulating, negatives etc that start spilling out which you will be hardly aware because you are involve. “I WANT YOU” “I NEED YOU” “I LOVE YOU” “I CANNOT DO WITHOUT YOU” “YOU ARE MINE” All these phrases are like a big turn off, I mean not entirely there are some that mean something. But when you are in a relationship that only ties you till you cannot breathe, till you cannot see who you are anymore, till you realise you have nobody else, till you are afraid of him/her, till you realise that you have no plans of your own, these are signs.

Everyone look at relationship differently, but when I see these in some relationship, i really just think and wonder why. I had a few relationship with real controlling manipulative people and I couldn’t breathe in them. I walked away from them even though I find it hard but I always told myself that the only reason why they are so attractive. Because they do things that make you believe that you are on the losing end if you walk away from them. The things they do can be texting you on how shit or trash you are like nobody is going to love you, they can even turn up crying saying they are “sorry, won’t do it again” and you will want to forgive them because it hurts to see them that way, or even getting a new hook up just because manipulating your emotions is going to bring you back to them. That is how bad it is, you don’t see it until you get out and “get over it” then the bigger picture appears. 

I had it in a way, it was crazy because I was hurting so much until I realise what was going on. I call myself the lucky one because we were only knowing each other and then already, he did a lot of manipulation like introducing me as a friend or junior to others when he calls me his away from his friends. He would decide on what I can and cannot do, I cannot meet my friends because I should meet him more. We would argue really everyday because my guts and mind were telling me to stay sane even though my emotions and body is telling me differently. I was craving him so bad that when we meet, there will always be this tension, it was so clear. I know he felt it too. He was craving it but, I had a history that even if I will want, I know I cannot. In a way, I thank my history though it was dark, and my guts for keeping the sane in bay. 

So, I really do not know how does this abusive portray of relationship actually keeps showing on the screens. And, it is really not cool to say you didn’t cheat when if you feelings did come of as flirting to someone you shouldn’t. Not cool. Flirting is an emotion and if you have a partner yet doing to someone else, that is cheating. Even if you “did nothing”. So yea, I guess I won’t be watching Kissing Booth 2. Too toxic for my eyes and brain, because if I am watching, I think I will be in a mess of either trashing my screen or hurling curses or.... 

so I rather just not watch. And trust me, is not just the guy I am aiming at, even Elle. I know, like I said that there is enough of clips.

ciaos!

[chxxry]

0114|28072020

[chxxry]

27072020

I realise I update on July more than other months. Nothing much to update about but maybe just some of my boring writings again, on life, on reality, on me. 

Weather check: Rainy, wet. Comfort level check: Hoodie comfy Emotional check: normal, in the mood level Drink check: Coffee, bitter enough

More than half a year in of 2020 and with Covid going on, a lot of things to get use to but it doesn’t mean I wasn’t busy. I was busy, busy with school, busy looking for a more rightful job, busy with keeping my 2 years plans, busy with making sure I’m still enjoying, busy busy busy with so many things in and out of my head. 

I read back what I wrote and I see the change in me then and now. They were the journeys that bring me today to who I am. I am not someone who is very well the first person will anyone think of to hang out or consider as someone’s priority in a way besides my parents. And I use to question my worth as a person, before I realise that all of these didn’t matter. The likes on Instagram or Facebook do not prove who I am, the comments on the platform do not tell you how I am as a person and definitely they do not share who I am as me, a human with the tiny crackers. It take me long but definitely with the things happening around me to show and tell myself, my worth and value comes from me. So long I appreciate myself, people will learn to do so. I start asking myself why I have my social media platforms, I use Instagram because I just want to keep my pictures as memories, whether past or present. And there I kept it, updating what I want, do what I feel like doing not to please anyone but myself. I love taking photos, not for anything but memories even if the eye and mind as the best. Then, I kept Facebook though I deleted it so many times but it boils down to memories with some of my friends. Even so, I still ask myself if I should just delete Facebook forever because I still question on how I feel about the platform. I still do not fancy it and the only reason is still the memories and friends and keeping my photos as an album. I just find it toxic for me and my health. Twitter, just updating me on my Love for Motorsports or Seventeen and some of my Japan news. 

It’s not just social media that got me under before realising what is more important, then I have the people around me that taught me alot. I used to fear so much on losing out, I used to hate myself for having so much insecurities, I used to get so dark because of the people around me, I used to have so much negative because of everything. From simple knowing that my messages are left read and unreplied to seeing how someone is hanging out with another more, they really killed me inside out. I got so sour and negative till I trash myself up for being useless. It sounded like a social media thing but no, it was way before that when social media doesn’t exist yet or that advance with story functions etc. Like I said, I was never the one on priority mind and was the “leftover” I will call it. From Primary school till now, I still feel that way but just that now I really do not trash myself over it but embrace to love myself with appreciation for me. But when I was like from 7 or 8, I was always bullied in a way but I never understood. Even then the “friends” I believe to have, they were nice but at some point I know I was not the included to the plan if there were any. But just, “oh, you heard it so you want to join” and I would tag along. I was that dense, could never read the situation. I know people outside of school but you do not call them friends, you just call them company for the wrong reasons.

Then when I got to another school from 13 onwards, it was a similar thing but this time was just more add on. Like, more in a hostile way people show you that you will never be part of them and that is when I hopped from people to people, not friends but people. As much as things were like this, I did not entirely trash myself up for it but I thought I should change. Silly I know, but think in my shoes where you had nobody even at 13, and 14 came with people I can call friends but I still decide to “make change” to fit right. Even when I had friends, I was still trying to fit in and not forgetting bullied. I was even if I never knew about it until a friend mentioned years later. I was that dense, which was a good and bad thing. Because if I knew I was bullied then, I believe I would be in tears and fear for what might happened. Then when I finally left the school, I cannot tell you how relief I was with excitement to start life at another campus.

That’s when I hit 17 and enters a more Teenage going Adult life. This is where things become more interesting. I start to be more aware about people, but I still try to “do the fit in”. Now being 26, I think back and laugh at how pathetic I was. But then, I was living like hell. When you wish to be accepted and you sort of “force” yourself in, it sucks. The little affection that the people did were enough to keep my “happy” but they don’t last long. I wasn’t happy, I start asking why did I force myself in just because I want “to be cool” or “clique” like why. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my own friends in the campus who make me happy and till now, I feel like the most blessed soul to have them in my life. No, they are not this “clique” I talk about. But even when they graduated and I graduated, it hasn’t occur to me about the word “granted”

From 7 or 8 till now, I do meet and make new connection outside. Some I call friend and some I just don’t. And for the life of 19 years, I trashed myself up so many times even wrecking myself like a nutcase. I got crazy when I see simple things like “not being included”. I cry myself to sleep, I beat myself up (literally), I start questioning my worth as “value-less”, I make the worst out of myself and victimise myself. Pathetic. It was. Until last year where I start questioning myself. I started asking why am I making myself so effected and pain when these people knew nothing about. Why am I making myself look so sad like a loser when they didn’t bother. Why am I putting them before my own needs just because you fear to lose them. I ask a lot of question to myself on the random day, no idea how or why but I am glad I did. I start to remove my social media platforms and trust me, they ain’t easy but it was a worth it move. I didn’t delete my accounts just keeping away.

And soon, I got the hang of things. I gave myself to reason why I want to keep my accounts and they definitely are not to give me negatives. Until now, these things happens. Like not being asked out, like not being talked to etc. ALL of these, are normal. When there was no social media, we had no issues because we cannot see to get envy or jealous or fear. I started to tell myself to stop viewing the Story unless it is some update from my motorsport or idol or even cats. Then when I see something like maybe A and B hanging out and not asking me or mentioning, I ignore and tell myself “hey, what’s the deal. You prefer your own healing time” and it always works. And when people do not text me or reply me, I heck it too with the only sentence in my head “do not bug me when I don’t text” HAHAHAHAH. I am serious, I mean what? you need your time and to go to your priorities, me too! 

But all in all, all these people and social media really cause me a lot of hell. One of the cause to my panic or anxiety attack, i think more on the panic side but at the same time, I never learn a harder lesson than this. A lesson on love yourself, appreciate yourself and pamper yourself before giving to others. Giving is so exhausting but something they  can be rewarding if you know “worth it”. I am still giving despite all, I tried to change that but I can’t seem to. Pathetic I know! but it is part of me, the only thing I can do it manage my expectations after. I have so many expectations that were never fulfilled and I learn to put a stop. I stop expecting returns, I stop expecting surprises, I stop expecting bigger love from others. I stopped. Because I start to give myself and reward myself even if I can surprise myself but god surprises me some times. 

If you ask me what is on my mind now, I am still thinking to delete my socials and maybe walk away one day. Walk away from the digital world that have been toxic, even now. I am still going through the day and night, but I do not think about people as much as I use to. Now I walk away, find me if you want to but if only you can. We have to learn to live for us before others, even it sounds selfish but everyone around me show me enough. I appreciate some actions and thoughts or help from people, but I don’t think I will say it is enough for me to say oh, I love you so much. No. I am over that. 

Maybe to anyone who know me, and wonder. Why not you ask yourself first before asking me if you deserve anything from me. Maybe a friend status. I do not play more than that. And I assure you, you are 90% chance not part of that status.

To everyone, thank you for being a lesson of mine. And to me, to many more journeys we will walk. 

Here, I hope for things to be better so I can start.

[chxxry]

27032020

It’s been a really really long time that it is now 2020 and I even forgot my Tumblr password.

I smoothly pass 2019 and hey comes 2020, its only March. Only March, yet I am on the edge already. Last year must have been too good for me that it’s envied upon that I have to deal with it now right? Not complaining, since when is complaining going to work when it is a reality facing issue or just my walls set by god for me to accomplish before I go and look for him. And this time, it is different. Very very different. I cannot remember when is the last time that I would airplane mood my phone and off it. 

When someone ask me to talk about it, ask me how are things, ask me to share, I really wish some way or another that I can either crack my brain open or cut my heart out. I have no words, no explanation, no story to say, share, tell or speak about. There is just too much on my mind that I cannot say because I know I am not the only one going through a rough phase. 

I lose my job which I still enjoy much grateful to Covid-19. I don’t blame anyone for it since it is a situation that the whole world didn’t wish to happen. And it is fine, I will just go back to the society I didn’t like very much even if it is giving me a pay that I know I will survive with no worries. Then, when the very company is going to tear down the hardwork you see your family member put in and throw the member into a lower position. We can say “Losing the job, the money, the support to the family”. Imagine when you put two together especially when you know, besides the member, you are the only one to support the family. And you cannot just crumble because you have to be that pillar, or more like that frozen person with no sympathy to feel afraid or to be in tears.

Then just before, you lost your uncle who leave his wife and 2 sons with the eldest not even 18. You couldn’t cry as well because why should you be crying, you ask yourself. You can only say “Thank you for being there and nothing to worry about just go in peace. No pain, just be free” 

You had to hold to the fact that your mum is sick and she needs an operation. You have to pretend that you are fine, you are not worried. You have to give the positive face because you know how your mum is despite all the brave front. Then you need to tell yourself that she will text you once it is over. And you need to face your father who just knows about how he feels. How he says like you do not know anything about the things that are going on. You are just keeping your silence because you do not want to say you know, nor do you want to argue in frustrations for the things you have to hold. Simple task where house chores etc are easy to do, but you know the household cannot do without a female who is functionable in a way. You can only hold it because they are family. You can only hold it because with all the negative and worries they have, you have to be the plus. You hid the fact that you are out of job just because. 

You are getting rid of everything you love because of 2 reasons. 1, because you know you cannot led this kind of life anymore. You need to work for the sake of working. 2, because you are getting hurt from the things you love. 

When someone say “Hurt by things you love”, how would you believe that even when they are more non-reality things. 

See, when you love someone enough, you give everything about you even time, effort, care, thought, hope, more so expectations. And is today, I learn that they need to stop. When you realise the change, you realise the movements. Anyone can say you overthink, you overdid it but you know you didn’t when it is time over time that you have to coax yourself enough to tell yourself that “You need to stop this or you will be a nuisance” and you held back everytime you were given a little moment to be happy about. You love something, and you share with someone because you love them enough to. And when things change to someone sharing it more to someone else and you were just receiving “oh, did you see my post”, “oh, did xxx tell you”, or “xxx told me so” that you starting telling yourself. “Was it me that did something wrong or just what is it”. And when you stay away, you realise one thing: it no longer matter if you are in the picture or not.  You realise things had change and things are no longer the same and you will never be that person you believe you were in someone anymore. You will never be the same either. When you put someone high enough to wait for a reply, checking time to time to see, and you only see things you do not want to know. You rather you do not know so you can live with a doubt. You gave every time and effort, you gave every travel moment, you gave things more than you receive and what you get in return, you don’t even say because you kept telling yourself “it is alright, it’s not the first time. it is alright” Then you realise, one thing. The more you let it be, the more hurt you are but you kept quiet because you were afraid. Afraid. The midnight moments. The frustrated moments. The moments where even if you didn’t like, you still do it. The moments where you stepped out of your boundary to make things the best of what you can. The moments. You believe were good enough to let someone see. You moments you believe to last. Till you see things and now, you are just empty.  

You still have no idea what is going on. You have no idea if you will go through it. And you only one that one word in your mind. Only one person got it right.  You are not exhausted. You are just you. Just thinking, when will you fall back again or it will be over. You are not holding on to anything but yourself. You are here in the same body different mind. A mind you are foreign to, a mind where you know you either let it be over or you just change it. There is one thing you are sure, you only have you to live on. You.

I am not fighting for any sense of priority nor am I giving any sense of priority. It sucks to be giving something that cannot be seen and fight for it. Then to be shown you are not gonna be given. I saw, I learnt and I know to never return just so I can save myself. Just remember, nobody is going to save you because everyone is only going to be for themselves. Save yourself, be cruel to the world for yourself.

[chxxry]

09102019 (Japan Trip)

What’s up!

I know being away for too long and no update on my Japan trip which I am going to do now, and chances day by day or 2 days by 2 days since I have yet sort my photos or even edit them (being lazy).

Let’s Begin!

06082019

(That’s the plane towards Tokyo by the way)

So, I booked myself quite a last minute trip to Tokyo a month before the day I decide to fly on since my exam dates are only confirmed by then to handle. Quite a ride to Tokyo while I only finish my packing at 3 to 4am after reaching home late from work and to get up 5.30am to reach airport at 6am for the 8am flight. Once again, I thank my mum for the lift to the airport though it was not needed. (Mum’s love, everybody.)

(My flight companions)

Knocked out on Endgame (can’t believe I did), and somehow the turbulence was quite bad that a couple had to move next to my empty seats and the lady even puked while I was enjoying my Magnum. (I had to block out the voice and pretend nothing happened)

(Hello Japan)

(Train station; everyone waiting for the train to Shinagawa)

First time, I am arriving at Hanaeda and it is nothing compared to the Narita Airport. But a 30mins ride to Ikebukuro, which is quick just alot of people as changing at Shinagawa is really crowded. Instead of going to my hotel, I went to Akihabara for Utapri Shining Store to get somethings first since Jo and I were worried (yes, I meet Jo in Tokyo while she comes from China) that things will be sold out. To our luck, we got majority of the things but some were just out of stock. I quickly got out of Akihabara and decide to make my way to Shibuya since it was really near and to avoid the peak hour rush (that was about 6pm to 7pm). Partly I had to go back to Shinagawa to retrieve my luggage (Shinagawa have more lockers and it big ones too) and I will have to take the train back to Ikebukuro which will result in very bad inconvenience with the luggage and peak hour. 

(The theater is gone)

(During Winter 2017, it was naked trees with LED lights)

Walking from Akihabara to Shibuya, I decide to take the very route that I took to watch Rabbits Kingdom back in Winter 2017. Alot of changes actually, constructions even the hall is tore down.  

So I went around Shibuya and decide to hit the HMV Books there and little did I know, there was a Sumikko pop-up store. Decide to get myself some drinks and a cake as I finally get to sit and relax before going off at 8pm.

Got down to Shinagawa to retrieve my luggage before heading back up to Ikebukuro to finally check in and it was 9pm to 10pm. Decide to get myself a Estee Lauder Lipstick which is famous for it’s nickname “Marriage Lipstick” where alot of people used it and within a year, they are attached. Once check in, I decide to wait for Jo who is arriving like 10pm or 11pm at Narita.

At the same time while waiting for her, I decided to get myself a Lemonade which is free from the hotel. In the hotel, they are promoting Eco cleaning where they only clean up all the sheets and towels once a week (usually depends how long you are staying but I am staying through my trip of a week) and in return, they give you toukens for the vending machine. So comes my free drink, and it is a really good drink especially the fact that I am there in SUMMER.

After Jo arrive and checked in, we hit for Ichiran Ramen aka 2am ramen. But we got it at 12mid this time round, partly she was hungry from her flight deal. Nothing goes wrong with Ichiran ramen especially but I forgot to do it how Seventeen’s Joshua did. We decide to rest up early after that as we are going to DisneySea tomorrow early in the morning and we will need about 1 and a half hours of travel.

STRONG ZERO! Actually got it finally! I would say, it is really amazing and cheap for a 9% alcohol drink. It is really weird because you can actually drink and walk on the street which I did with another hichu. Partly in where I live, you can’t have alcohol after 10pm so, it was really weird for me and to do it openly. Drinking and walking. Weird. I will continue again soon in a new update, My Disneysea pictures are NOT editing for better look so will have to do that before I can update, then I should do a 2 days update though I have no idea long will it be.

CIAO

[chxxry]

11092019

Hello Tumblr.

I am sorry for being away for a while, I was in Japan for a week but I won’t talk about Japan. I will do it when I finish settling my photos or when I do my next post maybe this weekend? But anyway, I have alot of thoughts, disturbing and upsetting thoughts for me to spill. So let’s get the ball rolling.

First, I need to apologise to my friend, Jo. I know things went off course once the money came into the picture. It is my own mistake which also made me decide on a couple of things. Just wonder why the change to the awkwardness maybe cause it was weird to be owing you the cash or maybe you just didn’t trust me anymore. But I guess, it is fine?

Alrighty, comes the ball rolling part.

Ever wonder how people live their life like it is nothing. No guilt of anything. Sleeping well like there is nothing they should be sorry for. Like they have done things they should apologise for. Weird right? Because, I do know people like this. Simplest things like the above, in all honesty owing people money doesn’t feel good much less in four digits. Every month at the back of my mind it hunts me like, “Hey! That’s the first thing you need to do.” I mean logically and by all honesty, I feel my mistake to the things of owing her money and the fact that I am in more guilt because it is playing a part to where we stand as friends now. It also woke me up in borrowing cash. BUT, it is a shitty feeling to get. Trust me on that, like the worst you can do to people who care or bothered. But it is my mistake so I don’t blame her just feeling shit about it. Anyway, back to topic. The guilt of it that cause our friendship tilting doesn’t come nice. But there are people who can sleep through that. It is worst when someone lies without guilt.

I don’t know how they feel, but I cheated once and it was a text message and bubble of feelings to meet someone I used to like greatly a lot. And I was in a relationship back then which I broke off after a month or so. Sounds weird huh? how is that cheating? It is cheating once your heart flutters to someone, to flirt with someone even a simple text.The guilt to pay for it wasn’t a good feeling which is why I ended things off knowing I didn’t deserve his love. Sounds silly again? like hey, it is a one time thing. But this is the thing, a one time thing that tell me how much this person really meant to me because if he did then I won’t be doing that ain’t it. And because of this, I also learn by being alone to what I want and who. Which actually bring me some good results in how I look at people and not use people as a bounce. After talking so long, I do know of something like this and there was no guilt to it and being lied to is really amazing. I am amaze at how things are currently about such people. It is more amazing how they believe and have so much faith in their lies that they thought it was believed. I am so disgusted. Disgusted till I wish I would stop thinking but being me, I kept thinking just how. How is it possible? It is like if I were to burst the bubble, I will hear it like “it is like breathing, how hard can it be”. It will dead scary to hear that.  

I mean simple things like breaking things of people’s or forgetting the correct order of my friend’s drink (I did that), won’t you feel sorry and guilty for it. Getting my friend’s order wrong, I felt guilty till it drag on a few months until I told her to let me buy her that drink on my treat which I felt better after doing so. I really cannot understand how, how does people do such a thing and just live like breathing, so easily. Simple not helping people when they need is already something sorry about to not being to help, doing things at extreme is an ultimate level of something.

I guess I finish my ranting, but I promise, I will talk about Japan next and following on my life?

[chxxry]

27072019

Hello WEEKEND.

For the whole the damn July, for once I am finally feeling exhausted. Everything has been trap in me being tight on schedule for a couple of things and lacking of alot of rest and energy, lacking on all my exercise and social life in some aspect.

July has been the tightest month with it being the last month of classes and submission of assignments to working on exams in the following month. Then work deadline are overdue which is/not my mistake but I shall emphasize later. And alot of plans with people fall on July too, all met and completed (phew) and now finally comes the part where I am human again to feel exhaustion.

School has been redundant this time round, I have no motivation and gives no fucks. But my classmates have been real nice that I cannot help but be more than just thankful. I have been taken on by work till they were concern with how I do and even offer a solution for submission but I rejected since it was their hardwork not mine. Thank you very much. I cannot wait to break free from school again because it has been really really redundant. It blocks my space for alot of things. which then lead to work. Doing studies and working as well really don’t help especially if the work is just so “in a mess”. It is in a mess because June was suppose to be a submission but it dragged till yesterday because it is/not my mistake. 

I gave a draft to my superior before he go on leave in June but only to hear from him like Last week. You know what I mean? and all the pushing came on “Not on time”, “Over due since June”, “Formatting wrong”, “Why is this here....” etc. BLAH, so that is the thing, I gave in advance of my draft in June to have him get back to me so I can make amendments before approval. Nope, I got nothing. Start of July, he bugged me for it again, and I just delivered without any arguments. And guess what, nothing again. So it was until last week he start bugging to my poor layout, not proper documentation etc. EXCUSE me for a bit, I shall clarify my stand is that I only started this role in April in a very different environment for the same office. So he was expecting VOLA since I work for 2 years in the damn office I should get it right. So, to continue, he bugged for this and that till I legit LEGIT, once again stayed up till late nights for it. There was no exhaustion because all was “fucking hell finish this shit” and guess what, every time there will be things for him to change or make sound about. Which until yesterday morning, he came to talk to me on the urgency. I didn’t argue with him because all I want was to complete this shit in his “standard” obviously not mine. When listing the documentation, he had his name there which I CLEARLY ain’t so happy about it but then it also means that I will wash my hands off it so I guess I took it quite meh. And because of it, I didn’t had time to prepare for my meeting until the last hour for the next project due in August. Mind you, it is the end of July now. Fantastic right. Thank god the meeting ended with conclusion despite being a drag till additional 30mins.

And it was only when I step out of the meeting room and submitting the Final copy of the documentation that I feel so exhausted. Like all the emotions set it and finally I feel like human again. I cannot explain how much I yawned right after everything. Then again it’s the weekend which also is Tomorrowland Weekend and German GP Weekend so, will just deal with minimal sleep. Even without them I will still have to work on my assignments and exams which is technically I should do it now. 

So, ciao. and hello to feeling human again.

[chxxry]

10072019

Hi hi again, quite the update huh.

Anyway I am not regretting what I wrote on the previous post because why regret? If everything we are going to regret everything we do then time will be wasted. AND, Whatever I wrote is true, no lies nothing to hide.

And I guess every single time things happen, I will always get something to like learn. Just yesterday I saw the post above and after reading I realise a few things (I mean somethings I have known but you know human being human you need more than one reminder or lesson to life)

1) Nobody is going to reach your expectations.

I mean, Nobody in the world is going to hit all the expectations you wish for or hope for. I actually learn this through the years I grow. I learn that nobody is going to do what I do for them wishing they will do back. Simple example: Surprising me at my place when midnight strike for my birthday. And nobody is going to stay and hear me pour my soul out to every feelings I am feeling because I am too emotional, introverted (more introverted than extro), being empath is not people will get it all in all. Nobody is going to live the life where they will risk for me like I would or even might, so no expectations. Do not expect people to be there when you need someone (even if they tell you they will be), Do not expect people to understand you like how you understand them, because nobody will do so and what we understand about people is what we see. (I be arrogant and say, I understand deep about people who I care that it tends to strike the jackpot so I had to put this in). Never and ever expect anyone to really keep their words on 100%, because words are words where promises are meant to be broken? (I have gazillions experience with this because I am and always dumped aside when significant other plays a part NO MATTER who the person is)

2) Handle problems differently

Everyone handle there problems differently. Being someone emotional, emphatic, introverted etc, I tend to deal my problems in silent until I cannot bear with it and breakdown crashing all by myself. Then I vent in on Facebook or Instagram very very vaguely or just tell a friend after everything. That is how I am, and I tend to write down how I feel to keep things in check so I won’t outburst. Following with Anxiety and Panic Attacks that comes and go like nobody’s business (sometimes every month, sometimes 3 to 6 months) that it just (no word to describe) . Then there are people who just won’t stop throwing you their problems because they cannot deal with it. They cannot deal with it like their life is on the line, and they have no idea what you had to go through because you just keep your silence. I mean after so much, I realise I have been keeping my silence more and more and receive people’s words more and more which was alright. Honestly, it was until I things got alittle too much which includes my own issues to deal with and it was a pain. Pain where I cannot do or say anything because I do not know how to and it’s to the point I decide to shut out. Like when I was asked “How am I?” I keep myself away saying “fine, okay, same old” We all deal it differently, like how my working hours are crazy but I don’t complain and my friends complain like no tomorrow like it was the worst thing ever. Or how my friends complain their parents being here and there while I have to deal with my parents attitude and their personal/work issues. What else? I don’t know but yes, so all of us deal different and I think we or I should be proud to deal so much, having the capability to. Which also comes to the point, people need to know this, everyone have a breaking point no matter how much one can contain themselves. But always be proud of how much you can deal and hold because you have been so strong.

3) Pushing away is not the best solution to everything.

I mean when people don’t meet the expectation you shut out and push everyone especially those who claim to be there for you or to always be your number 1 person. The pain, the frustration, disappointment, negative idea on those people to how they treat you or you believe to deserve better is very common and we are human. But, keep them. Funny that I say that right. I mean I actually decide to shut myself out from two people cause they were suppose to be that important but after reading that I realise I shouldn’t. People are seasonal, like some moments they will be there and some other moments others will be there and the rest won’t. Is like different situation, different people play a role in it which made me reconnect to them with a heart and mind of no expectations but just keep them after all one of them is suppose to be a best friend of 10 years, the other is suppose to be a family, sister. I mean they will still ditch me for their better half or for other people who they will tell me not that important but it doesn’t matter. What matter is sometimes even if they say pushing away is a solution, the effects of getting hurt is also there. Pushing away only works if the other people like to walk away as well, you only push when they decide to just make you no longer in their life. Then you need to learn to walk away so you can get to somewhere new, but if they have no sign of leaving then why give yourself the grief. As much as it hurts to what they do, set your heart and mind then you will realise actually things ain’t that bad.(Not easy but you will find a way because I did)

4) Always lay low, but humble.

The paragraph mention “if you are not careful you might start to believe that you are superior & that is dangerous”. I had to re read this sentence a few times before I can get myself to understand, re read everything over and over. As human having to deal what you have to without anyone understanding you or even to deal with what you deal alone because nobody was there, as time pass you realise you are amazing by yourself. You are amazing like all these people are so weak that they problems they tell you are not even your 5 or 10% of what you need to deal with. Seeing, when there is such thinking, you start pushing all these people away like no big deal and that you are the superior one because you deal everything on your own and you have all the rights to be angry or go against them or even push them away. Which some of these actions actually can be felt by them and because they are scare they have no idea what to do. It is very important to not feel like you are the best because of everything. I actually felt superior for the moment when I realise and see things like how the complains I receive which I was very paranoid about, or about how my suppose bestfriend never fail to pick her boyfriend and his friends over me and our friends, or even how the sister who just won’t keep herself away from things she know she should (but hey, not my life but I just got to mention it hehehe opps). All in all, these time bid made me feel angry and upset at them that I start going against, start feeling I was all right and I should get an apology from these people and keep digging their wound on the things they had done to me. But after reading, I realise “Hey, actually I shouldn’t be feeling superior because is it dangerous.” The Danger of feeling myself as only me, protect only me, love only me and I will only see ME as the path without any considerations to everyone else. Which is not right and as much as we got to love ourselves, we go to also give love to others when needed. When you start keeping the love to just ourselves, it becomes really dangerous. Always be humble, also lay low, always give love to yourself and others.

I wasn’t expecting to write so long that I do not know if what I wrote is right or wrong where my grammar and vocabulary. But OVERALL, that is the idea. As I grow, I realise everyday there will be things happening and things to learn from. Like this, I learn to accept, learn to know less and knowing less helps to make life better. 

[chxxry]

0602019

I just got myself another attack. I honestly have no idea how and why but this felt worst because I cannot keep my face from the public. My face can be read as “shit gone down” or How I think it looked. I felt like dying. It didn’t come in as crawling in, death. I came in as immediately as it hits. And it didn’t help when I start thinking of things. People to be exact. Thank you Jo and Kiri. Thank you. I think I am going to start a personal note here, and I do not care anymore because if I am feeling what I feel now, what is there to think of. Even more so when for the weeks since June till now July, I have lived the life I dictate just so that I can live for myself and stop giving to others. Do not tell me excuses because I can I swear to how much I have given and to only be treated like an option. I am a human, I crave for returns as much as I give. I crave for being treated the same. I can be tired too, I can die as well.

Dear Jesslyn,

The first is definitely to you who for this 10 years I swear I have done nothing but give and barely took anything. All the things in secondary school, I have never say it wasn’t my fault but have you said it was yours too? I do not know, have you felt that it was yours? Because when I felt sorry, I felt guilt so guilty till just a tiny word of yours can guilt trip me and I hated it. I have always felt unwanted whenever i was next to you but that was 14 - 16 of age because I know myself and why I grew the way I want, the way I wish to be more importantly, trying not to get tripped by you. I hated the word best friends because when I see what people have I cannot understand and I can only get jealous and I stop calling people terms. Everyone is the same to me just that I know where they stand if they have to. Because the word Best Friend really never show me how it was suppose to be how things are suppose to be. The number of times I have given myself to show myself but I really am torn up till I cannot do it anymore. Have you realise it was always me that tells you that something is wrong but not you? Have you realise that? And everytime you will have excuses that I will shut my mouth and give you the chances again. Have you ever realise how much I detest everything that I really wish I would know nothing which is why I avoided all my platforms as much as I can. Your life only revolves around Shawn and his friends right? Do not say you try or say that I am wrong, because just sit and ask yourself. Ask yourself the things I have given, the things you have received, the way I acted till you decide  that it is me making a fuss which you can’t be bothered to resolve cause of your selfishness. Don’t say you are not selfish because the amount of times you thought for yourself and your boyfriend I really cannot say anything. 10 years. 10 pathetic years of me giving and waiting and now I have given up on hopes. You cause that. You make me hate terms for people, hate the word best friend, hate myself for stop giving, hate myself for alot of things I wish I can explain because they are my emotions. I do not even know if you will read this. But if you ever, let me tell you what I said and what I have said/mention previously they are all repeating constantly that I do not know why you don’t see this. And everything is just a tip of an iceberg in me. 

Rachel,

I thought having you was to save me from Jesslyn. I thought but I learn the hard way again. Because you are younger, I try to keep my words as nice as possible, I try to keep my own problems to my own. Even when times I feel that you are too much because of how much you have but you do not see somethings. We are all different and I lived with it, I can only blame myself because I spoil you too even though I disagree with your idea. Has it ever got to you that when you get someone new you also do neglect. Where guy or girl. even more so when it is a guy. Call me jealous. call me envy. call me need a boyfriend to not feel that. but if a girl can then I do not things is just me needing a boyfriend. I do not know anymore because I also got tired. I got tired of giving too. I thought you will know me better, I thought. I decided to stop keeping my words nicely because I want to be me, and if the truth hurts. I stop myself from going into instagram as much as possible, even if i do i stop myself from seeing the stories. I no longer know where I stand in you anymore. And I really do not want to compare but I cannot see a difference. I have been keeping my silence because I have alot in me and just let you complain and rant as much as you want but is that my purpose in your life? I thought things were more than that. I thought. 

Girls, you know I thought you both were important enough for me to give and I don’t ask for anything back but I am human. As much as you take, others want to take as well. Let’s just say, I have given up on birthday, I have given up on titles, I have given up on hopes and I really really hate myself for being more selfish. Everything I say here is just a tip of an iceberg in me because I want to die. And I feel like it. I will just say, it felt worst because having an attack with the idea to just end it there and having a billion thought to people who say I am important really kills me more.

[chxxry]

20062019

Hello Tumblr!

It’s been just days since I last updated but I thought why not. So quite abit has happened just the few days. Someone who battles demons and battles against what most people will say “Silly” like death. Someone around me has reach the point where the body reacts before the mind, you have no idea. Many times it starts from the mind till the body is on the toll that it does it instead of your mind. No one if the right state of mind will understand but I reached out to understand. Understand the situation not understand and say comforting words because I be all honestly, comforting words are nice but they do nothing. Then again, the only way is to keep yourself on twos and be there whenever possible. Some of my friends who dealt with only 10% of myself tells me ridiculous things like “get over it”, and I know what to say or do which is not say anything. And because of this,  learn that I should be there for people who needs someone because they want to win it as much as a part of them are telling them “You won’t”. And when people start to not say anything, it gets very dangerous.

Despite my tired self, I was glad I went to look for my friend. And also despite my tired self with messages from friends that make me feel ridiculous with my signature rolling my eyes, I still replied what I can or try at the very least even if I avoided first. In this world, everyone have the different capacity of keeping themselves in check. I have friends who are lucky to have someone every time something is rough or they never dealt with it until the later age. Complaining is very easy because you only think about your mindset that you are so drained with everything around you without thinking if the person listening to you is going through the same or worst. In the past, I see myself as a very drained soul who complains alot but until few years back when I see what a friend of mine had to go through with made me realise things. I reduce what I complain or say in terms of being what people like to call “Tired”. Have you ever wonder to yourself if you “Speak too much of yourself” or “only complaining about your own issues” because if you have and feel bad, then thank you for being kind. I won’t say kind because I am speaking of myself, just I realise it and tries to stop myself from it so others can get a chance. Especially you know when people won’t stop repeating their problems despite you telling them the choices available, you know how irritating it can be right? Which is also why I think people who listens and don’t grumps about it are the real big hearted ones out there. I don’t even say I don’t grumps because I do since it gets on my nerves really easily especially people won’t stop talking about the same thing so I also learn to reduce my talk to stop the repeating stories. 

All is about learning and changing isn’t it. Always be thankful for the people with you, and always think for them not just yourself. 

[chxxry]

17062019

(because my friend is better than yours to do such shit)

Hello June and hello an older me, so it is the mid of June and things have been amazing thanks to the people around despite all the work and school.

Let me start of with Ultra which was poor with the set up they have and all the last minute poor organisation and setlist but it is fine. A great time was made with Emily and her girls, I really had a blast with Axwell on the first day then Porter Robinson and Skrillex on the second day. The jam is amazing though I have to admit 2 years ago was the best, the setlist is amazeballs and of cause the venue is outside with rain. Oh, and a fight actually happen on the second day of Ultra, like if only they can take it outside but it is amazing still the 2 days(or i should say night since we only go in at night)

Then the long week of birthday week. Really nice dinner with my friends at Ma Maison and the card with really nice message says alot. I can only smile to it because it is so nice of them to do it even the quote on the card is Harry Potter as well as a quote that I believe will give me strength for it. “Happiness can be found even in the darkness of times,if one only remembers to turn on the light.” Following with a dinner with Vanessa and Qiwen which was a surprise because this particular I receive a text from Vanessa on when will I be available for dinner for the very day. I am more than just happy, it is really sweet of her and Qiwen to do it for me and to remember. Thank you guys alot really. Then guess what, Baby Harvey came out on the very day, which got me to travel to the Hospital to look at him. He is such a cutie by all honesty though I think my nephew Jayden still wins the cute baby award (being a bias aunt). Congratulations to Al and Mel, and rest well Mel. Dinner with my colleagues for someone’s end of internship, WOOHOO. All the best to you Elaine, and enjoy the remaining time before all the real society comes on you. Got myself a last minute call from Cyrus for dinner before heading to meet my parents and their friends which was funny because every time a birthday song comes up they will start singing for me. 

On the very day, when for a pool training which totally poop me out with damn scorching weather and dinner with the family at the cafe which douche works at. Nice cafe and food but due to Fathers’ day it was super crowded. And because it is Fathers’ day, there were alot of family in the cafe that you won’t believe the band actually sang Baby Shark from a request. After dinner, went to catch MIB with Jo’s jio as I spend the last few moments with Chris Hemsworth. Seriously, how is Chris Hemsworth so urgh, like his eyes. ESPECIALLY his eyes, totally get me staring at it like damn gorgeous his eyes are. And Jo presents me my japan loots as well as gift from her personally. Thank you so much, I really really appreciate the effort and time for you to visit the places to get for me even to the cafe despite your own trip. The next day, I went to meet her and the rest for ramen and chilling. It was nice meeting everyone especially Roni who I haven’t seen for ages. Then the cake you see above, was Hatake’s idea. I swear I actually flip my eyes up before laughing and because Kiri’s is just days away from mine, hers wrote “you also old” which was so damn funny. Sometimes having friends like that makes life funnier and better. Oh, and the present from my Frenmily + Kiri + Crisis, thank you guys so damn much for the present, I am going to savour it if that is even the right word to use. The wrapper is the best of all best because Jo actually went to do a powerpoint with all 13 members of SVT + Hidechan + Yuuki which got me laughing hard. I swear no wrapper is going to beat that. Thank you guys so much,oh and a very nice white rose from Himi which I cannot explain how I feel about it since it is the first time I’m getting flowers on special day. Got myself a call from Australia, really thank you brother. as well as a midnight call all the way from the other part of the globe, thank you my friend. You have always been the best of all the best who never fails to make the effort. Not forgetting kiri who wishes me every year on 2359. EVERY YEAR since I know her, 23:59. 

These gestures have been so much for me that I really think blessed is an understatement. I really feel that it is more than I should deserve, but still thank you. (Need not read further if you do not want to deal with my rant, lengthy and nuisance)

_______________________________________________________________

Despite all the happy moments up there, I am still sour, unhappy, unforgiving, not letting things go etc. 

1) I do not know what else have I not done as someone being called a Best Friend. If you have no intention on putting me first do not call me that. You have not given me the best experience to have a best friend that I do not like names for people around me. I just go by friends or acquaintance, which makes life easier and some girlfriends. For so many things since then till now, I kept silence as much as I can and accept every flaw you have but i am sick and tired of it because you take every silent as my way of agreement when it is not and things got over the top. I get that your god damn boyfriend is so damn important but things like keeping your words and promises really don’t apply right. “Do not want me to feel bad that you pick him over me” This words, I do not even know why are you saying them because for the years it has always been like this. And irony is not just me feeling that way because your own friends feel it too but they just decide to keep it shut. I didn’t feel a thing when you tell me “oh shit” because I already EXPECTED and GUESSED it will happen and you won’t be joining me to it. Do you know how sad that feels? For me to even expect this to happen, that people around me are angry for me but I am not because I had in mind it was bound to happen. Then aka suppose to be your Best Friend, you actually only ask her availability so late like she doesn’t have any friends is it? Even so, your stupid bestfriend aka ME still give chance when people ASK FROM THE START OF THE MONTH and push away appointments to in hope for something. Nothing, no messages until the very last minute and when I tell you how pack I am/was, your reply of “guilt tripping” is such a turn off that pisses me off. “Oh wells” “Thought can have dinner before your birthday” So is it my damn fault? You have never think of me first right? Your eyes and mind only have your damn boyfriend and his Friends right? When you have trouble with your boyfriend related issue that you cannot even tell him and them who will you tell and be there. YOU FUCKING TELL ME.  I am honestly very piss now as I type this, but this is the last time I will type them because for the sake of my wellbeing I am going to let it down and calm down and get to the last stage of DONE where I start being silent on EVERY LITTLE THING. Like I keep saying “put me on the no.1 speed dial” when you are about to go into labour (when pregnant) what was your reply. Pointing to the boyfriend’s friend who you have been sticking with and say “he will drive me”. Thank man, you made things even clearer isn’t it. Do not blame me when I do the worst things to you because what you are going through now from ME, is not the worst. I can be the worst person you ever deal with, I can be even more out right bitch about it. Stop your blood excuses and reflect, I know my own damn busy self which you will use it to defend yourself but think the heck about it, have you even think of me first before everyone else. Even your friends don’t even think you put them first, stop asking us just because you have nobody. Pathetic. And your message for my birthday, I do not know what to say because it turns me off. Effort? I don’t know, I think every expectations from you to surprise me didn’t matter anymore. Nothing mattered anymore.

2) Sister, youngest. I spoil you, I get it. But have I not keep my mouth silent enough, I am also tired about not being a priority the way you claim it. I am tired but everytime I get it off my mind and slowly I get use to it. The way you text me telling me you are bored everytime puts me off. Am I a spare because nobody is texting or reply you? I don’t know but I always put it off and try my best to keep the sarcasm off which sometimes I just cannot. Like this time too, when I see the message I really didn’t felt anything. All I felt was being turn off because I cannot feel a thing. I didn’t want to reply but I still did, not replying is rude to do so. Maybe is just my fault because from then till now I give to you whatever I can ad maybe is just me being all sour and irritated that you tend to throw me aside when you meet someone new especially guy? Maybe is just me being sour. But honestly, I do not want to be done with you and it sucks because I am tired with all these dramas that are so dumb.

3) I think because I am single, I have friend problems instead. Maybe I should get a guy and I will not have time for any of my friends like they didn’t for me. Honestly. Not sarcasm because it is how I feel. When my colleagues get my a card with heartfelt messages, and i think of the text messages, it really piss me off. When unexpected birthday messages from unexpected friends, and they look and feel the same as how your important friends’ messages are really.... I really do not want to reply any of the messages the two of you send because disappointment and turn off was so great. 

[chxxry]

03052019

Helluuuuuuuh.

Randomly coming on Tumblr to update. I was looking for my photos on Instagram but to only realise I privatise it which actually made me realise that my day.re is actually online and dead. Like obviously, the last post was on 2015, I think.

Quite a lot of memories which is also why, I’m trying to keep my Tumblr alive this time round. I mean that is always what I said but at the end, hmm you know I know. So why am I updating today, and especially even more that I have work to rush for. Risking it because I think I will forget if I do not update it.

It won’t be long but, I actually realise something. Maybe because I have been single for 7 years so it gets to me. I do not understand and relate to relationships that I use to before I was 18. All those adoration, puppy feelings etc. Now is just liking someone doesn’t make me fluffy like a teen but liking someone enough to embrace flaws I cannot take, liking someone enough to keep things together so it doesn’t go off course to no longer being friends. And even more important liking someone enough to want to protect, and protect and just making sure the happiness falls on the person. It is no longer the need to have that person, but is just making sure good things, smooth journey falls on him or her. I really do not know if it is just me, but when I see some people behaving like what I do not expect at this age, it just makes me cringe. It really is not about holding on to liking or letting go of the pain, is just purely being there whenever possible to make sure nothing bad happens. 

I actually ask myself if I like enough, but I guess this is it. Because I still smile to the silliest things he or she does. Speechless but silly yet brings a smile to my face. What else can I say? I don’t think so much of liking him/her but just do what I can still time let’s it go by itself.

[chxxry]

30042019

Hello 2019, I have once gone missing for nearly half a year. I do not know what to update on the last half of 2018 but some tiny updates to what I can remember.

- I left for a new department and currently working in it. - My little Princess left for the rainbow bridge on the 1st of January (explain abit more later) - The other hammys left too (Kija, Myumyu, Campud, Yuuchan, Shiro) - SEVENTEEN IDEAL CUT - School have been screw up for me - Liking someone new, is no fun. - AVENGERS ENDGAME

Alright, more or less I guess. So, with unappreciative ex boss, I left the department and when to Singapore and new department to do a new Process. But not easy for sure, after all expectations are always higher. I would not even say so far so good but just trying to work things out and make the stay worth it. So I got two trips out of Singapore, One to Thailand and the other to Indonesia.

Thailand wasn’t my trip, I name it as the trip of hell. 1, it was too long for a family trip. I didn’t enjoy myself and I have to say I have a very bad moment there of breakdowns and everything you can actually name. But it was worst because I came back on the 1st of January where my Princess passed on. Her passing on was due to trauma. I cannot blame anyone because I cannot even though there are people involve. Honestly, I shall not go further on the situation because every time I think about it, it gets into me.

Then I had a trip to Bandung, it was nice. A 2nd time there but this time with lesser traffic as it is the weekdays. yea, I do not know what else to say. 

So, somethings to mention. I went for my first SEVENTEEN concert! YAY! It was so amazing and great. Going alone to concerts have been something I do time to time because I can do it? I mean I know some people there (cough) being one of the older (cough). Still it was great overall, I am happy that I like the boys this much and have the ability to go to their concert unlike B2ST which I couldn’t until that very first and last time. Thank you to the 13 boys and Carats around~

I start a few new things to do, 1) Wakeboarding. 2) Diving and 3) Rock Climbing. I decide to do sports to keep myself going, honestly having sports keeps things going and it keeps me reminded of adventures I want to take. All the climbing and water extremes. I love them so much I think I will take the time to invest in them and of cause where my money will go.

Actually caught ENDGAME with Jo and Butt on the first day night at GV Dbox and I will say we cried, laugh and cheered together. It was really amazing. And I caught it the 2nd time with well, Jess neo and lee. Erm, I will just take it that I’m the only hardcore in the movie. I miss Jo to Marvel with, i mean it all about the right person to do things with. It is a real good Endgame to the Phase, and I am forever A6.

Liking someone after a long time is no fun game. It didn’t felt like anyone understood though I expect the EXPECTED people to but nah, it didn’t. Come on, I did not choose to like someone especially such a person. Especially when I am enjoying my own life so much till I plan adventures not love life. I am not someone who needs someone who much like someone i know. I live on my own, and survive every fight alone. And the last thing I need is my own feelings to wavier and go off to someone else to hinder my adventures. Talking about this, I take the effort to get rid to put dislike in the motion. Putting dislike to make things go away is not nice when you are friends. It is worst when you FRIEND tells you nothing will happen. It felt like a total bitch insult, HELLO? I am wanted by people better than your half? I don’t look as nice as you but honestly, I am still wanted by people will cars, cash and housing WITHOUT FAMILY SUPPORT? and even a better care I receive from them than you? LOL. Honestly stop being such a selfish person, I cannot even deal with. People ask why do I have such friends, I say I do not know and I am use to it. I just make the effort to put more care on me and on other people because i am done. Others around us tell me don’t like this, hellno because they know what I say was truth and there is no other way around it. Just leave me alone to be done, and do things to my liking.

I cannot even, liking someone you don’t expect is not a wish or a want at all. People around me are worried, there I have people who push it away cause it is not them. prick. 

Alright, let me end this on a good note. Wait is there even one?

[chxxry]

08072018

I haven’t update anything on tumblr for ages. A simple hello to start of the blogging.

Hello.

How’s life you ask? I cannot explain myself now. My boss just left back home to another position, a new boss came in. Not very please about it, but I am looking for another path to move on. Life at work is more or less the same, oh! I started doing my degree part time and just say, it is really great but a little on the assignment end which seemed a bit full on my hands due to the deadlines (I really hate it), other than that, everything is great about school (besides people too).

Recently, Tsukista had some changes to the cast which effect really badly and really needed time out but I can’t because there are really alot to do. From myself to work and school with deadlines end of the month. It is already the 8th of July, I have only 1 & 2 weeks of July left. I am really very tired if I am very honest. Tired of everyone surrounding me currently, why, just why nobody ask if I was alright. why is everyone just telling me their problems, telling they are tired and they do not know what to do. Then what about me? I am being as good as dump into the corner giving what I can, and just left alone like I am a toy. Even a toy are treated well. I do not know what to do anymore, I really cannot take it anymore. Every other day, I tell myself it’s okay, it’s alright, you are going to live. Every time, someone tells me things that I wish it was asking me, “how are you”, “are you still surviving well”, “do you need a listening ear” etc. I don’t get it, really. When all I can think is, can I just die but I cannot because I have a duty to fulfill. I am so tired of being an empath, I am so tired of just thinking how people feel, even if it wasn’t my fault the need to apologise just because I push someone away. 

I really want to disappear just so, just so I can be free. The need to feel bad of things not done by you, the need to think about other’s feelings just so that things dont go bad, even the need to keep what you feel or think because nobody cares to understand. 

[chxxry]

04012018

(Credit to Owner)

My next update should be on my trip to Japan which is currently in the draft folder.

Here, I start a new post. Well, it is Happy New Year. Yes, scratch that Happy because it doesn’t work that well. Honestly, what’s so happy about the new year when every year is the same, every day is the same. Kidding, those who are enjoying the new year of 2018, please enjoy and be happy.

Now the question is, why am I updating this and not my trip. “I do not know” - The Answer. I do not know how to explain how I am feeling, or what am I feeling because I just cannot. I only know I want to scream so badly to leave me alone. scream out, Shut up and go away. Scream every ounce out to those who are Happy. Jealous? I don’t know. I am tired. very tired. I am losing every will to keep it together. When I felt like this, I could explain saying I am feeling every emotion from everyone, from family to friends to even something else. Now, I cannot explain when everything is from me. 

Last time, it gets into me when the Family is up and down. Last time, it gets into me when the Friends either have a bad time or when I was triggered to be alone by them. Last time, it gets me when someone stir up my suppose life. Last time, it gets into me when I read something or watch something that effects me in one way or another. 

Last time.  Now, I really do not know. Everyday I stare at this screen, wondering purpose. Everyday I stare at the walls, thinking what’s next. Everyday, I try to do something I like, and finish what I don’t. I continue my German class with a passing grade but not that great, alot to brush up on before my new class starts. I also need to brush on my Japanese which is a total rush on the trip to Japan, total embarrassment. And now a New thing to start on, Calligraphy. I fight to start something new not because I am too free. It is busy I need to keep me more busy. Busy. Busy. Busier. Busier. till I don’t know when. 

5.59pm. Time to finish up today’s work and get going to meet buyers and get my hamsters’ basic needs which are almost finish. And to keep it together. I won’t explain, I can’t explain, I won’t tell, I can’t tell, I won’t say, I can’t say. It just doesn’t work that way.