cksmart-world

[cksmart-world]

SMART BOMB

The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis

By Christopher Smart

April 23, 2024

THONG BIKINIS — CHEEKS AHOY, RIO COMES TO ZION

Remember the “Girl from Ipanema?” In Brazil they've been wearing thong bikinis for quite a while now. You've seen the pictures, all those tanned butts up and down the beach. That's what you expect in Rio de Janeiro. Well Wilson, it's hard to believe but thong bikinis have come to the states — and even right here in Utah you see bare butts all over the place. Rio comes to Zion. Luckily the “Word of Wisdom” has nothing to say about thong bikinis. And we're not talkin' one here and there. Go to the park and take a gander at the young women sunning themselves. It's butts up. No Wilson, we don't know if there is a special butt-tanning lotion, but there could be a good business opportunity there. You could call it Cheeks Ahoy. Makes you wonder what young kids are going to think around the pool come summer. Hey mom, why is that lady's butt hanging out? Look away, Bobby. But mom, why does she have that thing in her butt crack? Bobby here's some money go get a candy bar and don't hurry. Butt-crack bikinis can be attractive — or not. Beautiful butts are in the eyes of the beholder. Speaking of which, there's trouble on the horizon. Hold on to your California baggies, soon men will be wearing thong bikinis. Yecht. You're right, Wilson, that's just wrong.

TIME TO KILL OFF THE HOMELESS

There are too many homeless people and it's high time we get rid of them. They're camping everywhere and using parks for restrooms and they drive real estate down. The U.S. Supreme Court soon will consider making homelessness illegal. The idea would be to ticket them and fine them and even jail them. HUD estimates there are some 650,000 homeless but the reality is closer to 1 million. Luckily there are some good ideas out there. One is to drive them like cattle to Canada. Another is to hire the Israelis and force them into the sea, kinda like Gaza. Or we could just send them all to Phoenix, Ariz. where they would soon burn up. But right now homelessness is legal following a ruling from the 9th Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals: “[T]he Cruel and Unusual Punishments Clause of the Eighth Amendment precludes the enforcement of a statute prohibiting sleeping outside against homeless individuals with no access to alternative shelter.” If the Supreme Court lets that ruling stand the whole country could look like San Francisco or New Delhi. Of course, about the time Ronald Reagan moved into the White House homeless people were hard to find. But what's the sense in talking about what causes homelessness when we can just outlaw it and send them to the Galapagos.

DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH

Salt Lake City's Rio Grande district is a miracle waiting to happen... and waiting and waiting and waiting. Walt Disney took a barren chunk of land in Souther California and turned it into a magic wonderland. Well image the magic makeover the mayor and city could could do for the Rio Grande district — once home to the homeless and an open-air drug market. You may be pleased to know there are brand new plans for the area just west of the historic Rio Grande Depot. It's going to be swell — even more sweller than the last plan that wasn't implemented. It'll be something like Bourbon Street in New Orleans sans the Bourbon and the beads. With a cost $5 billion it will be so cool as to be unbelievable. Many of the details are under wraps, but sources who wished to remain anonymous tell Smart Bomb that plans include coordinating transportation systems with a wild mouse connecting Front Runner to the light rail — people could jump off at Festival Street. OK, what is Festival Street? Much like Main Street U.S.A. at Disneyland, it will feature fun stuff for the whole family, like Mr. Toads bridal gowns, Bear County lingerie and Frontierland Gun Shop. But like it has been for decades, plans remain in flux. For updates check back in 2028. It's going to be so cooooool. Just wait.

Lost script — Alright that's going to do it for another fun-filled week here at Smart Bomb where we keep track of the room temperature at Trump's “hush-money” porn star trial so you don't have to. Fact is, it's just damn cold in there. But even with the AC on blast the former president keeps dozing off. His defense team is working feverishly to come up with ways to keep him awake, including putting chili powder in his Gucci loafers and Bengay in his Jockeys. Something burning? Here's an item from our “New Celebs”-file. “The Devil Wears Prada” and so does Caitlin Clark. At the presser where she announced signing with the Indiana Fever, the b-ball scoring phenom who was No. 1 in the WNBA draft, was outfitted by — you guessed it — Prada. She cut a stylish figure sporting a double white satin shirt and skirt with an embroidered rhinestone mesh top — the first basketball player to be dressed by the luxury label for draft night. Prada isn't paying her, but Nike is. Clark has reportedly signed a eight-year, 28 million dollar deal with the shoemaker. That should help make up for her $76,000 WNBA salary. Just imagine, five years ago she was a kid trying out for the Iowa women's basketball team. You're right Wilson, that's one heck of an education.

Well Wilson, swimsuit season is upon us. Soon there will be a lot of flesh on display. At the pool and the park young folks will be working on tans and the side-effect called skin cancer. Utah has the highest skin cancer rate in the nation. For real. But forget that for a minute and get the band to play a little something for our soon-to-be thong-wearing friends:

Tall and tan and young and lovely The girl from Ipanema goes walking And when she passes Each one she passes goes - ah When she walks, she's like a samba That swings so cool and sways so gentle That when she passes Each one she passes goes - ooh But I watch her so sadly How can I tell her I love her Yes I would give my heart gladly But each day, when she walks to the sea She looks straight ahead, not at me Tall and tan and young and lovely The girl from Ipanema goes walking And when she passes, I smile But she doesn't see She just doesn't see, she never sees me...

(Girl From Ipanema — Lyrics written in Portuguese by Vinicius de Moraes, 1962, with music by Antonio Carlos Jobin. English lyrics written by Norman Gimbel, 1963.)

[cksmart-world]

SMART BOMB

The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis

By Christopher Smart

April 16, 2024

MUSIC HEARD AT TRUMP RALLIES

1 – God Bless the USA — Lee Greenwood

2 – Don't Worry Be Happy — Bobby McFerrin

3 – Rumors of Glory — Bruce Cockburn

4 – The Pretender — Jackson Browne

5 – Too Much to Hide — Joseph Arthur

6 – America Has a Problem — Beyoncé

7 – Friend Of The Devil — Grateful Dead

8 – I'm a Loser — The Beatles

9 – Guilty Filthy Soul — Awolnation

10 – Phone Call From Leavenworth — Chris Whitley

HOPELESS UTAH JAZZ SHOULD DRAFT CAITLIN CLARK

Hold on to your Air Jordans. The Utah Jazz losing ways could be over. Imagine buying seasons tickets not realizing that the front office would trade away all its good players so the Jazz would lose games. What? True story. At one point this season the Jazz were 26 and 26 — a .500 percentage that could get them into the playoffs. So they traded some players and ended the season with 31 wins and 51 loses. Gone are Simone Fontecchio, Ochai Agbaji and Kelly Olynyk. Last season, they traded Mike Conley, Nickeil Alexander-Walker, Malik Beasley and Jarred Vanderbilt. And before that Bojan Bogdanovic, Donovan Mitchell, Rudy Gobert, Royce O’Neale and Joe Ingles were shown the door. It's all part of a strategy to get good draft picks. Really? Let's trade away our good players so we can get some good players. OK, listen to this: A first round draft pick in the NBA will get millions but Caitlin Clark, if she goes first in the WNBA draft, will make less than $76,000. For real. It's not fair. So the braintrust at the Jazz should do this, offer Clark $5 million to come to Salt Lake City. She'd be worth every cent, maybe more. You're right Wilson, it probably won't' happen. But wouldn't it be nice to have a team you could really root for instead of The Replacements. There's always next year.

SUPPORT THE WINTER OLYMPICS — OR ELSE

If you're not excited about Salt Lake City's bid for the 2034 Winter Games, better keep your mouth shut. It's kinda like being a Republican in Congress who thinks Donald Trump is a blow-hard fraud and rapist with a a crush on Putin. You better keep it to yourself if you know what's good for you. Utah's leaders love the Olympics. Salt Lake City's 2002 Winter Games put us on the map. Finally, after all those years of insecurity we got noticed! Props for us! Now people know we're closer to Vegas than to Chicago, although they still can't pick us out on a map. The 2002 Winter Games were televised but viewers couldn't tell Mormons from heathens. People around the globe were watching and asking, where are all the Mormons. Funny how they blend in so well. The folks from the International Olympic Committee (IOC) were here again sizing up the place to see if they should award the 2034 Games to Salt Lake City. Everyone knows that Mitt Romney saved the 2002 Games after Tom Welch was caught wrestling his naked wife in the garage when the cops showed up. It had something to do with his mistress. Not exactly the kind of news coverage Olympic boosters like. This time around, our leaders have been instructed — no naked wrestling.

Post script — That's a wrap for another beautiful spring week here at Smart Bomb where we keep track of O.J. Simpson, so you don't have to. The Juice is dead. It's been three decades since the so-called “trial of the century,” where the football and Hollywood star was on trial for the murders of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman. O.J. was acquitted of homicide — a victory for all of black America — but later was found responsible for their deaths in a civil suit. Can't get more American than that. Moving on: Headlines this week included this from The Salt Lake Tribune: “In hunt for ‘white elephants’ in Utah, Olympic commission comes up empty-handed.” No Wilson, we have no idea why they were looking for elephants here. Weird. This headline is from The Washington Post: “Here’s why California is drought-free for a second straight year.” Even the band got that one — rain. Duh. From the Deseret News: “Climate change is forcing ants in Colorado to migrate.” News you can use? Daily Beast: “There’s Never Been Anyone More Relatable Than Bigfoot.” Huh? It'a actually a review of the new movie, “Sasquatch Sunset,” about a family of Bigfoot — or is it Bigfeet. And yes, Wilson, it's one of those flicks that probably would be better if you're stoned.

Well Wilson, history is being made as we speak. The Donald is on trial in New York City on charges he falsified documents to cover up a sex scandal involving a porn star right before an election. It's the first criminal trial of an American former president. The poor guy is on a real bummer. So maybe you and the band can give him a sendoff with a little something to brighten his day — or not:

Brother runnin' powder money Daddy's somewhere on a drunk In the hours, after washing I do my dreaming with a gun Well I come down from the country Find a lesson in the draw There ain't no secrets in the city It's hard living with the law They got machines, mama I can't figure They got a romance made for doing time Send me out child, running outside Out along a world of crime Gonna swing my scythe, got a hand upon the handle Gonna shade my children ways I understand Milk the trigger, kill the hunger Staring down this broken land So fetch on up your greasy apron Spread your lover in the straw Hear me baby, I'm nearly crazy It's hard living with the law

(Living With the Law — Chris Whitley)

[cksmart-world]

SMART BOMB

The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis

By Christopher Smart

April 9, 2024

LOOKOUT — EARTHQUAKES, ECLIPSES, SIGNS FROM GOD

Marjorie Taylor Green has a message for all of America: God is watching. Y'all better repent, the Georgia MAGA star warned. We got earthquakes and eclipses and all kinds of stuff and there's gonna be an Apocalypse if Donald Trump is not elected. Yikes, this is serious. As you may recall, MTG compared Trump to Jesus because like Christ he is being persecuted by a dastardly government. That's bad. It's lucky we've got MTG around. She also pulled the covers back on “Nancy Pelosi’s gazpacho police,” that use cold soup against her enemies. They're practically as bad as Hitler's Gestapo. “She’s a traitor to our country, she’s guilty of treason,” MTG said of the former speaker of the house. “And it’s a crime punishable by death is what treason is.” The Georgia firebrand has knowledge of myriad concerns of the day. She came out strongly against “fake meat” that is grown in “peach tree dishes.” It's all some kind of dietary conspiracy to change the DNA of children and turn them into Democrats. When Marjorie Taylor Greene speaks, people listen. Now she's got Speaker Mike Johnson in her crosshairs because he staved off a government shutdown by cooperating with Democrats and there is no sin worse than that. Those eclipses and earthquakes aren't foolin' around.

DAYLIGHT-SAVING-TIME ON THE MOON?

If you think switching to Daylight Saving Time is hard here on Earth, think what it will be like on the moon. That's right, U.S. scientists will soon assign the moon it's very own time. In the future when we colonize it, people up there won't want to go on Earth time because it could screw everything up. A day on Earth is 24 hours. A day on the moon is 29.5 Earth days. No Wilson, we are not making this up. Golfers on the moon might like it, but if you suffer from season affective disorder (SAD) you could get messed up. Talk about depressing. Put another way; during any given day on the moon, it will be daylight for about two Earth weeks and then dark for about two Earth weeks. Greenwich Mean Time — which is our standard based on the Greenwich Meridian in London — could get confusing on the moon. On the other hand, English astronauts might throw a wobbly if they could only take tea once every fortnight. New terms would have to be invented for life on the moon. For example what would, “pack a lunch” mean. Pack 14 lunches? Would, “see you tomorrow,” mean see you in two weeks? What about, “take the rest of the day off.” The four-day work week? It gives the Theory of Relativity a very weird feel. Where is Einstein when you need him.

NASTY EMAILS: BASEBALL STRIKES OUT IN CITY OF SALT

The staff here at Smart Bomb put together an investigative unit to get to the bottom of the plan to bring the Bigs to the City of Salt. Along the way a raft of emails came into their possession. Here is a sample:

Councilman #1: We're getting hosed. The mayor is getting sucked in. She should play hardball — no pun intended.

Councilman # 2: She's playing patty-cake with those vipers. They could turn around and bite us right in the situation.

Councilman #1: This is starting to feel like some kind of shell game. One team goes here; one team goes there; nothing up their sleeve; and then the pea disappears.

Councilman #2: And we're left holding an empty bag and the tax increment turns into tiger butter.

Councilman #1: Don't look at the man behind the curtain.

Councilman #2: I'm starting to feel like the Palestinians. What about the Geneva Conventions and everything.

Councilman #1: We're outgunned. They've got the Republicans and the developers.

Councilman #2: A distinction without a difference.

Councilman #1: I saw Willy Mayes hit a home run at Dirk's Field when was 9.

Councilman #2: How did this happen. We just got thrown out of the game.

Post script — That'll do it for another week of springtime in the Rockies where we keep track of freedom of the press so you don't have to. Old saw: Freedom of the press belongs to those who own one. Matthew Prince is a billionaire who moved to Park City recently and bought the town's historic newspaper, The Park Record. He also bought land on a hill overlooking Old Town Park City and proposed building a very big house there. When neighbors objected to the McMansion, Price sued them and then wrote a screed in his very own newspaper explaining how dumb Park City government is. Call it freedom of the press. From our “truth-telling” file, this: Rep. Mike Turner, R- Ohio, is complaining that his GOP colleagues are parroting Russian propaganda regarding Putin's war in Ukraine, saying it's all about NATO — which is... well, propaganda. Mike McCaul, R-Texas, added that Russian propaganda had “infected” the Republican Party’s base. What a surprise. No secret, Donald Trump doesn't want to fund Ukraine and is buddies with Russian dictator Vladimir Putin. Meanwhile, Trump said he knows how to end the War — just give Crimea and Donbas to Putin and call it good. See, that wasn't so difficult, was it?

Well Wilson, bad omens abound. We got eclipses, earthquakes, blizzard and floods. It's not that we want to focus only on the negative but when the sun goes out, what can you do. The eclipse won't last long but what it foretells might. So get the guys in the band to put down their moon rocks and take us out with an anthem for the times:

I see the bad moon a-rising I see trouble on the way I see earthquakes and lightning I see bad times today Don't go around tonight Well, it's bound to take your life There's a bad moon on the rise I hear hurricanes a-blowing I know the end is coming soon I fear rivers overflowing I hear the voice of rage and ruin Don't go around tonight Well, it's bound to take your life There's a bad moon on the rise Hope you got your things together Hope you are quite prepared to die Looks like we're in for nasty weather One eye is taken for an eye Well, don't go around tonight Well, it's bound to take your life There's a bad moon on the rise

(Bad Moon On The Rise — Credence Clearwater Revival)

[cksmart-world]

SMART BOMB

The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis

By Christopher Smart

April 2, 2024

THE TRUMP SWAG STORE Real Authentic Merchandise

Get yours now! Priceless Trump merchandise that you can show proudly as a real American. These instant heirlooms will make you feel special and the proceeds go to a very important cause — Donald Trump. Don't be left out. Order today!

Trump steaks — Made from real beef byproducts $19.99

Trump vodka — The very best distillate from Panama City $49

Trump gold sneakers — Perfect for your mantle and ego $399.00

Trump “Wanted” T shirts — Get in their face with this scary face $39.99

Trump Bibles — Jesus and Trump will love you if you buy one $59.99

Trump trading cards — 52 different likenesses of “The Great 45” $119.99

Trump ties — Extra long for wiping after buffalo wings and Big Macs $49.99

Trump pajamas — Be presidential lying around watching TV $499.0

Trump tanning spray — Look orange naturally all year round $69.99

Trump penknives — Great for stabbing your “friends” in the back $29.99

ORDER NOW! Send cash or money order to Mar-a-Lago Club LLC, 1100 Ocean Blvd, Palm Beach, Fl., 33480. Make America [fill in the blank] Again.

LET'S BAN US SOME BOOKS

A new law will bring Utah into the 21st Century so we can start banning books with the rest of the red states. While middle school kids in blue states will be reading pornography and masturbating, our students will be learning real values, such as slavery was like technical school. And of course, they won't be exposed to that Critical Race Theory about how some Americans are more equal than others. It could make the kids feel bad. Utah's new law works like this: If three or more districts believe a book contains “objective sensitive material,” then all other districts must ban it. It's kind of like Texas Hold 'Em but in reverse. There is one fly in the ointment, however. Nobody knows for sure what “objective sensitive material” is. One parent's porn may be another's art. Goya's Maja desnuda may not be Playboy's Miss August, but it could still give boys too much to think about — if you know what we mean. But as for books, “The Perks of Being a Wallflower”, “Milk and Honey”, and “Looking for Alaska” are some of the most banned books the U.S. They, of course, are nothing like “The Tropic of Cancer”or “The Diary of Anais Nin,” which were banned and must reading for Wilson and the band back in junior high. You're right Wilson, if you want kids to read a book, just ban it.

$900 MILLION FOR A BALLPARK — YEAH, THAT'S THE TICKET

Here's an idea: Let's move the Salt Lake's Triple-A Bees baseball team from what used to be Dirk's Field (now Smith's Ballpark) at 1300 S. West Temple — where they played for 100 years — to West Jordan. Sure, it's like moving Fenway Park to Brookline but what's tradition, anymore. Then let's get Salt Lake City taxpayers to pony up $900 million to build a Major League Baseball stadium near North Temple and Redwood Road in a gamble that we could lure an expansion team here. Cool, right. The Larry H. Miller Co. owns the Bees and wants to build the new stadium complex. The question remains, will they sell cars there? Think of it, reduced ticket prices for fans willing to take a test drive. Our lawmakers just love MLB. It's so great when the Utah Legislature takes authority from Salt Lake City. Well, OK, Wilson, you're right, they're always saying, “the government closest to the people governs best,” but why let the city mess it up when lawmakers have already demonstrated they can mess it up better. Remember the much ballyhooed Inland Port. What ever happened to that, anyway. It's reminiscent of our Cold Fusion Institute. But we digress. Baseball is good for the soul. And think how good Salt Lakers souls will feel. It's not like $900 million is too much for that. Is it?

Post script — That's going to do it for another chilling week here at Smart Bomb where we keep track of outrage so you don't have to. You know Wilson, you and the guys in the band might be among the few souls who aren't outraged. It's a good argument for the legalization of pot. It's hard to be outraged when you're stoned. The fact that International Transgender Day of Visibility fell on Easter this year was more than enough to throw right-wingers into a frenzy. In fact, a Fox News co-host, Lisa Boothe, said it was part of a scheme to overthrow the Almighty. She obviously hasn't read the Old Testament. Back to the New Testament and Jesus of Nazareth — students at state-run colleges in Utah may see more of him. Proposed legislation that did not pass in this year's legislature would have college general-ed classes focus on western civilization and “the rise of Christianity.” Stay tuned. It's puzzling why so many so-called Christians are full of rage. Love Jesus and Trump or your toast. By the way, there's been a breakthrough: Jesus apparently wasn't blonde. The latest info is that he had brown skin and dark hair. He did wear sandals, however, and they weren't Birkenstocks. Outrageous.

Well, heck Wilson, now that Easter is over and Christmas is nine months away we don't have to worry about Jesus for awhile. But still, we ought to close out with a little something for the folks who would like to know more about His life and times beyond the glossy stuff in Sunday school. So tell the band to put down their Trump Bibles and take it away:

Jesus was a Capricorn He ate organic food He believed in love and peace And never wore no shoes Long hair, beard and sandals And a funky bunch of friends Reckon we'd just nail him up If he came down again 'Cause everybody's gotta have somebody to look down on Prove they can be better than at any time they choose Someone doin' somethin' dirty decent folks can frown on If you can't find nobody else, then help yourself to me Eggheads fussin' rednecks cussin' Hippies for their hair Others laugh at straights who laugh at Freaks who laugh at squares Some folks hate the Whites Who hate the Blacks who hate the Klan Most of us hate anything that We don't understand

(Jesus Was a Capricorn — Kris Kristofferson)

[cksmart-world]

SMART BOMB

The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis

By Christopher Smart

March 26, 2024

THE PRINCESS AND THE PICTURE —OH MY

Oh gawd! Did you hear the news, Princess Kate doctored a picture of herself with her children. It's a scandal, a real royal scandal. Touching up a photo — what is the world coming to. There must be something big going on behind the scenes. Kate disappeared for a while after announcing she would undergo abdominal surgery. Soon the tabloids and the web were alive with rumors. Where is she really. Something must be going on. Then boom — on Mother's Day Buckingham Palace released a picture of the smiling princess and her cute children. See, nothing is amiss, nothing up their sleeve, no mysterious slight of hand. But wait, look, there's something wrong with that photo. Princess Charlotte's has two left hands; Prince Louis' sweater pattern spells, “Satan”; the zipper on Kate's jacket is upside down. What's going on here. Is Prince William having an affair. Is Kate having an affair. Is King Charles actually dead. Wait, hold on. Breaking News: The Royals just had a press conference. Princess Kate announced she's being treated for abdominal cancer. Is that all? Not much fodder for a good conspiracy. And, of course, now we have to feel sorry for the Royals. No fun. But stay tuned — Harry and Meghan should have something earth shattering next week. Bet on it.

CUT MEDICARE, SOCIAL SECURITY FOR A HEALTHIER AMERICA

The more things change, the more they stay the same. Republicans just can't help themselves: They just have to go after the two most popular social programs in the country, like monkeys who can't get their hands out of the cookie jar. They want to raise the age of eligibility for Social Security to 69 and turn Medicare into some kind of “Advantage” plan that would cost seniors a lot more. This, they say, will make for a healthier country. It's déjà vu all over again. Remember when the Tea Party sought to shrink government and then freaked out when George W. Bush wanted to put individual Social Security accounts in the stock market. “Don't touch my Social Security,” they shrieked. Not long after that the market crashed. Mmm, that stuff is better forgotten, just like other brilliant moves by W, like invading Iraq because... well, there weren't any good targets in Afghanistan and the “chickenhawks” wanted to blow stuff up. The same Republican Study Committee that wants to sabotage Social Security and Medicare seeks to make permanent Trump's huge tax cuts for corporations and the wealthy — totaling $5 trillion over 10 years. Social Security and Medicare will break us! And by the way, let's trim the IRS to cut audits. As Leona Helmsley said: “Only little people pay taxes.”

TRUMP LIKES MIKE LEE FOR ATTORNEY GENERAL

Hey Wilson, word has it that when he is president again Donald Trump is considering Utah's very own Mike Lee for Attorney General. And who better. Lee is a Constitutional expert — no really, he says so all the time. There is one weird thing, though. Trump has said he wants to do away with the Constitution. If that were the case then Lee would be an expert of nothing. But we digress. Lee actually does qualify for a seat in Trump's cabinet because he did his darnedest to get alternative electors for Trump's scheme to stay in the White House after he lost the election. Trump owes him one. But more important, Lee compared him to Captain Moroni, a hero in The Book of Mormon. That's pretty cool — it's like a normal statesman comparing someone to FDR or Reagan. No Wilson, we're not exactly sure why Lee compared Trump to Captain Moroni. According to Mormon gospels, Moroni "did not delight in the shedding of blood." Dead ringer for Trump — well, not exactly. “Bloodbath,” anyone? But still, ass kissing is ass kissing and Trump loves his kissed — it's a prerequisite for his A.G. If Mike Lee were the A.G. instead of Bill Barr in December, 2020, maybe Trump would be president right now and running for his third term. Of course there's that turncoat Mike Pence, but that's another matter.

Post script — That's a wrap for another lovely week here at Smart Bomb where we keep track of “legitimate political discourse” so you don't have to. That's what Ronna McDaniel called the Jan. 6 insurrection. Five Alarm Fire: She just joined NBC News as a paid commentator after being pushed out of her chairmanship role at The Republican National Committee, aka The Cult of Donald Trump, where she took an active role in trying to up-end electors in the 2020 election and then echoed Trump's lies after he lost. Staffers at NBC News are spitting mad — who let the skunk in. Meanwhile, Trump is on the campaign trail saying the Jan. 6 treasonous rioters are heroes who are held hostage by the feds. When he is elected president again, he will pardon them. It's little wonder congressional Republicans don't want to fund Ukraine for the ongoing war with Russia. They're betting that like 2016, Russia will interfere with the election, so they don't want to piss off Putin. If you'd like to escape all the political madness with a trek up Mount Everest be careful. A Welsh woman in route to base camp was gored by a yak when she got close to the beast while showing friends on FaceTime. The lesson: Don't get near beasts with sharp horns, especially if they're wearing MAGA hats.

Well Wilson, Easter is coming up and it's time to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ. The guys in the band probably don't know this but Easter falls on the Sunday after the full moon following March 21. So maybe you and the guys can rustle up a tune in celebration of he who preached love and understanding. We could use some now:

[Judas:] Every time I look at you, I don't understand Why you let the things you did get so out of hand You'd have managed better if you'd had it planned Why'd you choose such a backward time and such a strange land? If you'd come today, you would have reached a whole nation Israel in 4 BC had no mass communication Don't you get me wrong - I only wanna know [Choir:] Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ Who are you? What have you sacrificed? Jesus Christ, Superstar Do you think you're what they say you are? [Judas:] Tell me what you think about your friends at the top Who'd you think, besides yourself, was the pick of the crop? Buddha, was he where it's at? Is he where you are? Could Mohamed move a mountain, or was that just PR? Did you mean to die like that? Was that a mistake, or Did you know your messy death would be a record-breaker? Don't you get me wrong - I only wanna know [Choir:] Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ Who are you? What have you sacrificed? Jesus Christ, Superstar Do you think you're what they say you are? (Jesus Christ Superstar — Andrew Lloyd Webber)

[cksmart-world]

SMART BOMB

The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis

By Christopher Smart

March 19, 2024

TOP TEN SIGNS THE END IS NEAR

A total eclipse of the sun is coming in April and it may be a sign the end is near. There are other dark omen hiding in plain sight. That's why the staff here at Smart Bomb teamed up with clairvoyant Helga Olga Helga to enumerate those dire signs for your safety. Here they are:

10- BYU freshman will be required to read LDS Elder Holland's “musket speech,” that says members of the LGBTQ community must be shot with muskets.

9 – A majority of American Christians believe President Joe Biden is directly related to Beelzebub.

8 – South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem, who is auditioning to be Trump's VP, posts an infomercial video promoting a cosmetic dentistry and fanny lift practice in Texas.

7 – Salt Lake City will hold the 2034 Winter Olympic Games featuring honorary host and big game hunter Tom Welch riding a camel in the Opening Ceremony.

6 – Sen. Mike Lee calls for dismantling of the TSA, saying Americans deserve less groping at airports.

5 – Alta tells UDOT to stuff the proposed Little Cottonwood Canyon gondola.

4 – Oprah resigns from WeightsWatchers and joins the U.S. Bodybuilding Federation.

3 – Martha Stewart gives the Republican response to Biden's State of the Union address.

2 – House Republicans begin impeachment of First Lady Jill Biden.

And the number 1 sign the end could be near: The Utah Legislature is betting $900,000 of Salt Lake City taxpayer dollars that Major League Baseball is coming to Rose Park.

ARM IN ARM — STRANGE GIANT STATUE TO HELP US COPE

It will be the best thing since sliced bread. No, wait, it'll be the best thing since... The Statue of Liberty. It's “The Statue of Responsibility” and it's going to be right here in Zion nestled into the billion dollar massive high tech center in Draper to be called The Point. It will be as tall as Lady Liberty in New York Harbor and it's only going to cost $350 million — in private funds (or so they say). No Wilson, we are not making this up. It will be two gigantic arms with hands clasping the other's wrist rising 300 feet into our blue, blue sky. If that doesn't say 'responsibility,' what does. People driving along Interstate 15 at The Point of the Mountain will pass it and say, look at those big arms, maybe it has something to do with the Mormons. They could put up a big sign that says, “This is 'The Statue of Responsibility' that's like The Statue of Liberty only different.” The hope is that it will remind people, including Utah legislators, not be so righteous and try a little kindness. Right. There is an inscription on The Statue of Liberty that says: “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” So they could put one on The Statue of Responsibility that says something like: “Give us your techies, land developers, your huddled capitalists yearning to get rich.” Well, maybe not.

THE ODOR OF MENDACITY

Mendacity stinks and where there's stink there's something rotten. In the Georgia voter fraud case against Donald Trump and 18 other defendants the judge smelled a foul odor — one of the foulest smells known to man, the odor of mendacity. Judge Scott McAfee found no conflict of interest as alleged regarding a tryst between Fulton County D.A. Fani Willis and a prosecutor she hired for the voter fraud case — Nathan Wade. Nonetheless, either Willis or Wade had to leave the criminal case, the judge ordered, not because there was damning evidence but because it just didn't smell right. (Wade has resigned from the case.) The mendacity, or prevarication, or straight-up lying had to do with timing — when did Willis and Wade start “dating” and was Willis getting kickbacks from Wade? No Wilson, kickbacks is not in the Kama Sutra. And no, there was no evidence of kickbacks. Still, it was necessary to hold the two-month-long hearing because the allegation was so odiferous. Their relationship in the midst of the criminal case gave the “appearance of impropriety.” And if there's one thing judges hate almost as much as the odor of mendacity, it's the appearance of impropriety. Of course, it all has nothing to do with an organized effort to steal an election, but it was a fun distraction.

Post script — That's it for another rockin' week here at Smart Bomb where we keep track of satanic cults so you don't have to. The great patriot and football coach turned U.S. senator from Alabama and instrument of all that can't be understood, Tommy Tuberville, was in Utah to warn of a satanic cult that is taking away our kids. “If we can’t get back to that (The Bible and the Constitution) and let the Democrats continue to push this cult on us and take God away from our country, we’re going to have huge problems,” Tuberville told The Salt Lake Tribune. Of course, Tuberville is an ardent supporter of that Godly former president and four times criminally indicted mastermind, Donald Trump. Bye the bye, Trump said that if he isn't elected president in November there will be a “bloodbath.” Wonder if he's talking about the blood of all those satan-worshiping Democrats. On a lighter note, Utah Gov. Spencer Cox was a featured speaker at a prestigious Washington, D.C. soiree where he told a few jokes, including this one: “It really is such an honor to be at the famed Gridiron dinner. You see, they usually don’t let farm kids like me into rooms like this … unless you count Jan. 6. And even then we had to really push and shove our way in.” BAM! POW! ZING!

Well Wilson, our old friend Satan keeps hanging around even in places he's not wanted. It's funny that people who say they hate Satan keep doing nasty stuff. Tommy Tuberville and his ilk can't just disagree with those damn Democrats, they want to burn them at the stake. So why don't you and the guys in the band play a little something for Tommy and the “Christians” like him:

Please allow me to introduce myself I'm a man of wealth and taste I've been around for a long, long year Stole many a man's soul and faith I was 'round when Jesus Christ Had his moment of doubt and pain Made damn sure that Pilate Washed his hands and sealed his fate Pleased to meet you Hope you guess my name But what's puzzling you Is the nature of my game I stuck around St. Petersburg When I saw it was a time for a change Killed the Tzar and his ministers Anastasia screamed in vain I rode a tank Held a general's rank When the blitzkrieg raged And the bodies stank So if you meet me Have some courtesy Have some sympathy, and some taste Use all your well-learned politesse Or I'll lay your soul to waste...

(Sympathy For The Devil — The Rolling Stones)

[cksmart-world]

SMART BOMB

The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis

By Christopher Smart

March 12, 2024

MIAMI BEACH: F-OFF YOU DEBAUCHING SPRING BREAKERS

Warning: All you college skankers, frat boys and sorority girls who want fun in the sun on spring break, stay away from Miami Beach! That's an order! Denizens of the seaside paradise are done with all-night street parties, stages full of half-naked female college students and not least, nudity on the beach. “This isn't working anymore. And it's not us, it's you,” says a YouTube video produced by the municipality — part of its campaign to keep spring-breakers at bay. “You just want to get drunk in public and ignore the laws.” Well, Wilson, spring break has become something of an American tradition, even a right of passage for some college students. If it's worth doin', it's worth overdoin'. Of course, there are other locales along the Florida coast and Texas gulf where partiers can let it all hang out — and these days practically anything goes, including students making sex tapes at sex parties. Yikes! Where's Marjorie Taylor Greene when you need her. Miami Beach restaurants, shops and hotels will miss out on hundreds of millions of dollars generated during the two-week annual ritual. But enough is too much. Several stampedes tore the place apart last year, now Miami Beach leaders are breaking up with spring break: Go go get ripped and shake your bootie somewhere else. And don't come back!

REPUBLICANS: WOMEN GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN

Not everyone had the guts to watch Alabama Republican Sen. Katie Boyd Britt deliver the rebuttal to President Joe Biden's State of the Union address. Lucky them, they may have escaped a case of PTSD — post-traumatic shit-show delirium. Or maybe it was a parody of “I Love Lucy” on LSD. ”Even Britt's GOP colleagues were baffled by her comments that veered from dramatic to breathy to smiley sweet as she highlighted the kitchen as the place women make decisions as she stirred up something very cheesy. It looked like one of those cooking shows, retorted one female colleague. If the GOP brain trust was looking to capture the suburban women vote they may have burned the casserole. Republican pollster Christine Matthews put it this way: “[I]t sends the message that Republicans are literally trying to send women back to the kitchen,” The 42-year-old mom and kitchen whiz hit all the GOP's usual talking points, adding that sex assault is the worst thing that can happen to a woman, forgetting, apparently, the man she endorsed for president, Donald Trump, was found liable for sexually assaulting writer E. Jean Carroll. “What the hell am I watching,” screeched one Tump staffer to The Guardian newspaper. No, it wasn't a Saturday Night Live skit — but it soon would be.

PENTAGON REPORT: UFO COVER-UP, WHAT UFO COVER-UP?

Hey Wilson, you know those glowing footprints you and guys in the band see after some of your late-night gigs? Well, according to a new report from the Pentagon, they aren't from space aliens. The All-domain Anomaly Resolution Office (AARO) of the Department of Defense (We are not making this up.) found no evidence that extraterrestrial intelligence has visited Earth, reports The Washington Post, or that they have recovered crashed alien spacecraft and are hiding them from the public. The report has done nothing to quell conspiracy theories that the AARO has a pile of evidence on UFOs — now called “unidentified anomalous phenomena,” or UAPs — including civilian and military witness accounts. Skeptics say the government created elaborate systems to cover-up the evidence but has a secret repository of downed alien spacecraft and corpses. That brings up a serious question, Wilson: What does an alien corpse look like and does the AARO have more than one species. Do these alien corpses have two arms and two legs? Are they like ants or humanoids. Do they look like Klingons, E.T. or SpongeBob SquarePants? And what about Body Snatchers? Could Taylor Swift's body have been snatched by aliens, like Donald Sutherland. No conspiracy? Hah.

Post script — That's going to do it for another crazy week here at Smart Bomb where we keep track of Taylor Swift so you don't have to. Well, OK, that's not exactly accurate because Taylor Swift is everywhere and you're going to keep track of her whether you like it or not. Get this, Weber State, BYU and Harvard offer classes in Taylor Swift. No Wilson, we're not sure what people do in Taylor Swift class. Maybe they listen to her songs and then... we give up. News Flash — Salt Lake City made national headlines when the Weathered Waves bar posted its “No Zionists Allowed” policy. It was, of course, a reaction to the war in Gaza where 30,000 Palestinian have been killed from Israeli bombing and now they are starving to death due to blockades. A majority of them are women and children. The Utah Department of Alcoholic Beverage Services received a raft of complaints that Weathered Waves was discriminating — but what are the identifying features of a Zionist. It's like saying no Republicans allowed, but they don't wear bright red letters on their foreheads that say GOP, although that's not a bad idea. Not to worry, DABS has asked our intrepid attorney general, Sean Reyes, to look into it. That ought to make you feel better 'cause he's so f-ing great. Well, not exactly.

Alright Wilson, it's the perfect time to recognize those dedicated UFO watchers who track the government's efforts to coverup the aliens that keep orbiting our planet. But why the aliens just don't come down and introduce themselves is a mystery. Earth has stuff they might really enjoy, like sushi and gelato and spring break videos. So, hit it Wilson:

Woke up this morning with light in my eyes And then realized it was still dark outside It was a light coming down from the sky I don't know who or why Must be those strangers that come every night Whose saucers shaped lights put people up tight Leave blue green footprints that glow in the dark I hope they get home all right Hey Mr. Spaceman, won't you please take me along I won't do anything wrong Hey Mr. Spaceman, won't you please take me along For a ride Woke up this morning, I was feeling quite weird Had flies in my beard, my toothpaste was smeared Over my window, they'd written my name Said, "So long, we'll see you again" Hey Mr. Spaceman, won't you please take me along I won't do anything wrong Hey Mr. Spaceman, won't you please take me along For a ride Hey Mr. Spaceman, won't you please take me along I won't do anything wrong Hey Mr. Spaceman, won't you please take me along For a ride

(Mr. Spaceman — The Byrds)

[cksmart-world]

SMART BOMB

The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis

By Christopher Smart

March 5, 2024

GRAND OLD PARTY OF FOOLS & THE HUNTER BIDEN RUSE

Looks like Hunter Biden won't get impeached after all. The main witness in the Grand Old Party of Fools (GOPF) investigation turns out to be a Russian agent who also was an FBI informant. He's the dude who Republicans said had the goods on Hunter and Joe Biden who, he said, cashed in for millions in exchange for all kinds of nefarious deeds. Mr. BigWitness now has been indicted for lying to the FBI. Oops. Despite the comedy of errors, head henchman, Rep. James Comer (R-Ky.), chairman of the House Oversight Committee, refused to be embarrassed. Of course, this is not about Hunter Biden — it's a charade to link his father, the president, with wrongdoing and corruption. It's reminiscent of the GOPF's 10 chapter Benghazi investigation aimed at tainting Hillary for the 2012 attack on the U.S. Embassy in Libya. That vaudeville run was produced by Utah's own then-GOPF Rep. Jason Chaffetz. With this new cold bucket of reality the wet dream of impeaching Joe Biden is sliding down the drain of Republican-politics-as-usual. But the show is far from over, Donald Trump is now accusing Joe Biden of a “conspiracy to overthrow the United States of America.” Projection and Gaslighting — the same old song. The Grand Old Party of Fools really needs some new material.

TEN AWFUL LAWS ALMOST PASSED BY UTAH LAWMAKERS

After 45 days of hell you can come out of your bunker, Utah legislators have gone back under their rocks. So, we can breath easy if you can call it that after inhaling the poisonous dust from 800 square miles of exposed lake bed of the dying Great Salt Lake. As bad as things were, the 2024 edition of the LDS Church Capitol Hill extension could have been worse. Here are some of the things that didn't quite get passed:

10 – A proposal requiring all trans people to wear a big, red “T” on their foreheads.

9 – Genital checking monitors at all high school restrooms.

8 – Replacing school counselors with Mormon missionaries.

7 – Removing all books from school libraries that don't reference Jesus.

6 – Requiring the homeless to camp under the smokestacks at Mag Corp.

5 – Banning Pride Flags under penalty of a $299 fine and 30 days of Sunday School.

4 – Mandating that all teachers carry loaded .357 Magnums.

3 – A bounty on all federal BLM and Forest Service rangers.

2 – Moving all the water from Utah Lake to Great Salt Lake.

1 – Requiring Utah legislators to take an oath of loyalty to Donald Trump.

SUPREME COURT GOES THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS

The U.S. Supreme Court is set to determine in April if a president can assassinate his political rivals and simply skate. Yep, we've gone through the looking glass — be on the lookout for grinning Cheshire Cats (Clarence Thomas) and Mad Hatters (Samuel Alito). This is the first time that a criminally indicted former president is running for the White House. If a president wants to overthrow the government to remain in office (as Trump did on and leading up to Jan. 6, 2021), it's not a crime because the president enjoys absolute criminal immunity. For real, Wilson, that's what Trump's lawyers are arguing, as though we're in “Alice In Wonderland” or something. It follows then that if said president knocks off his political opponents, it's no big deal. Putin, anyone. The Supremes want to weigh in on this bizarre notion, despite a detailed ruling by the D.C. Court of Appeals that found: “Former President Trump lacked any lawful discretionary authority to defy federal criminal law and he is answerable in court for his conduct.” Nonetheless, the high court is going down Trump's delay-delay rabbit hole. Ironically, should it rule in Trump's favor, President Biden could have Trump knocked off without repercussions. Quick, find a Hookah-smoking Caterpillar and Seal Team Six.

Post script — That's a wrap for another blustery week here at Smart Bomb where we keep track of the dying Great Salt Lake because Utah lawmakers won't. There are at least 800 square miles of exposed lakebed where poisons have accumulated over decades. Maybe you tasted them during last week's gale. But the real danger, according to Utah lawmakers, is trans kids using pubic restrooms. The lake is teetering on the edge of ecosystem collapse, but don't worry, maybe the Lord will fix it. A majority of those wise Utah legislators voted to endorse Donald Trump for president, saying he represents “Utah values.” The good news is that Gov. Spencer Cox and Sen. Mitt Romney, both Republicans, said they could not vote for the four times criminally indicted former president who was found guilty of massive fraud in New York, bragged about grabbing women's genitals, had a fling with a porn star and lost a defamation suit based on his sex assault of a New York City writer in a department store changing room. Well heck, if those aren't Utah values, what are? Alright Utah, just keep voting Republican because they have your best interests at heart — or not.

OK Wilson, we know you and the guys in the band have something special for the Supreme Court. The justices have been on a roll lately on abortion, guns, environmental protection, racial discrimination, labor rights and other issues that make us think they're smoking too much ibogaine. So, hit it Wilson:

One pill makes you larger And one pill makes you small And the ones that mother gives you Don't do anything at all Go ask Alice When she's ten feet tall And if you go chasing rabbits And you know you're going to fall Tell 'em a hookah-smoking caterpillar Has given you the call Call Alice When she was just small When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving low Go ask Alice I think she'll know When logic and proportion Have fallen sloppy dead And the White Knight is talking backwards And the Red Queen's off with her head Remember what the dormouse said Feed your head Feed your head

(White Rabbit — Jefferson Airplane)

[cksmart-world]

SMART BOMB

The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis

By Christopher Smart

February 27, 2024

AI PORN — YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN' YET

AI (artificial intelligence) porn is coming to a cell phone near you. Soon viewers of porn can be the directors of their own video productions. We hate to say it Wilson, but in the not-too-distant future the guys in the band will have a whole new form of gaming — if you can call it that —wiling away the hours making photorealistic images do whatever they want them to do. Yikes. And you think it's hard to get their attention now. Mike Lee and the Utah legislators are already apoplectic about porn and they don't even know what awaits. Well guys, you ain't seen nothing yet. About six out of every 10 respondents between ages 30 and 49 watched pornographic content during March 2022, according to Statista. Some 28 percent of people using work computers visited porn sites in February 2010, according to The Nielsen Company. The average visit to a porn site was 13 minutes, according to Webroot. Hold onto your hat, AI is about to blow the lid off Pandora's Box. True enough Wilson, a lot of porn actors could be looking for work when AI porn takes hold. On the other hand, some people may not want to make their own porn. Old school guys and Luddites might not be able to imagine their own dream girls, let alone come up with a catchy... plot.

EMBRYOS GET CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS

We live in a weird country. Here, money is speech. Corporations are people — and so are frozen embryos. You didn't know that, did you Wilson. Well it's true, maybe. The Alabama Supreme Court just said so — but what it means is hard to know. If a fertility clinic where to implant an embryo into a woman's uterus and the procedure failed, would that be murder, manslaughter, negligent homicide? It's all quite mind boggling. In vitro fertilization (IVF) clinics in Alabama slammed on the breaks. It's a real bummer for the pro-life folks. On the one hand they want more babies, but they don't want to “murder” them by attempting to bring frozen embryos to life. About 2 percent of pregnancies in the U.S. are the result of IVF. Nikki Haley said when she thinks of frozen embryos she thinks of babies. Really? OK Wilson, listen: an embryo is a fertilized egg. Three to seven days after fertilization it can be frozen for future use. At that point the embryos are made up of 100 to 300 cells. Nikki Haley looks at a petri dish with 300 cells and sees a baby? Is she drinking ibogaine tea again? Well, according to the Alabama court ruling, those cells really are babies with all the protections of the Constitution. No Wilson, sperm do not have Constitutional rights. Not yet, anyway.

PRO SPORTS STADIUMS — BATTER-UP FOR UTAH TAXPAYERS

Hey Wilson, outside of frisbee and billiards do you and the guys in the band like sports. What about hockey — the sport Utah is known for. Well, not exactly. Salt Lake City taxpayers soon could be shelling out $1 billion for a hockey arena project. Mayor Erin Mendenhall loves hockey. Don't look now but taxpayers could be on the hook for another $900 million for a baseball stadium complex. Utah legislators love baseball. Our little cowtown will be transformed into a sexy, cosmopolitan sports Mecca. Of course, there are always frowny faces, like the Journal of Economic Surveys, which found from 30 years of data that “professional sports venues are not justified as worthwhile public investments.” But who cares what they say. Think of it, the National Hockey League and Major League Baseball right here in the City of Salt. How exciting. OK, you might not be able to afford tickets to the games but you could watch from a sports bar. Well, it might not seem fair, Wilson, but that's how we do things in the U.S.A. Who do you think helped build and then renovate the Utah Jazz arena. Yep, taxpayers. Fans can get nose-bleed Jazz seats for $37 to $70. Of course, the good seats cost hundreds. According to Statista, MLB tickets range from $69 to $209. You're just gonna love hockey and baseball.

Post script — That's a wrap for another rip roaring week here at Smart Bomb where we keep track of Nikki Haley so you don't have to. If you're a Democrat you may have fallen in love with Nikki Haley, the female presidential candidate who just found the balls to call Donald Trump exactly what he is — the disgusting candidate of chaos. Well Wilson, as love affairs go this could be a short one, so enjoy it while you can. Haley is attractive, well spoken and charismatic — and she doesn't have orange hair and skin. But why does she stay in the race when she can't win. Who cares as long as she gets Trump's undies in a twist. Folks are so frightened by another Trump presidency they think this could be 2016 all over again. Trump is polling ahead of President Joe Biden by slim margins. But take heart, while Trump beat Haley in New Hampshire and South Carolina, his numbers were lower than expected. Many Republicans just don't like his Orangeness. Other polls show Haley beating Biden by significant margins. But eight months can be an eternity in politics. The world could turn upside-down several times by November. And Wilson, you know what Yogi Berra said. No, not “It's deja vu all over again.” (Although he did say that.) More like, “It ain't over 'till it's over.”

Well shucks Wilson, maybe you and the guys in the band can get the taxpayers excited for our coming $900 million baseball stadium project. Plus MLB spring training is underway and soon Dave Noyce and other gluttens for punishment will be cheering on the Cubs and even the White Sox. So take a swing at it, Wilson:

Well, a-beat the drum and hold the phone The sun came out today We're born again, there's new grass on the field A-roundin' third and headed for home It's a brown-eyed handsome man Anyone can understand the way I feel Oh, put me in coach, I'm ready to play today Put me in coach, I'm ready to play today Look at me, I can be centerfield Well, I spent some time in the Mudville Nine Watching it from the bench You know I took some lumps, when the mighty Case struck out So say hey, Willie, Tyler Cobb And Joe DiMaggio Don't say it ain't so, you know the time is now Oh, put me in coach, I'm ready to play today Put me in coach, I'm ready to play today Look at me, I can be centerfield Got a beat-up glove, a home-made bat And a brand new pair of shoes You know I think it's time to give this game a ride Just to hit the ball, and touch 'em all A moment in the sun It's a-gone and you can tell that one good-bye Oh, put me in coach, I'm ready to play today Put me in coach, I'm ready to play today Look at me (yeah), I can be centerfield

(Centerfield — John Fogerty)

[cksmart-world]

Smart Bomb III Cox

SMART BOMB

The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis

By Christopher Smart

February 20, 2024

IS THAT THE SUN OR IS THAT THE MOON

GOV. COX WEIGHS IN ON BORDER SECURITY

Two drunks are sitting on a curb. The first one looks up and says, is that the sun or is that the moon. The second drunk looks up and says, I don't know, I'm new around here.

When it comes to issues surrounding the U.S. southern border, Utah Gov. Spencer Cox looks like he's new around here.

Recently, Cox scurried down to Eagle Pass, Texas, with a gaggle of 14 other Red-State governors to stand in solidarity — and photo ops — with Texas Gov. Greg Abbott, who apparently thinks he's in a remake of the old John Wayne movie, “The Alamo.”

Abbot has mobilized the Texas National Guard, he says, to secure the border and, coincidentally, keep the U.S. Border Patrol at bay. Abbot says he can do that under Article 1 Section 10 of the Constitution, arguing that if U.S. authorities, i.e. President Joe Biden, don't enforce federal law during an “invasion” states can engage in self defense.

The Alamo? Well, not exactly. The invasion Abbott refers to is really an influx of asylum seekers — hardly like General Santa Anna's 1836 armed incursion near San Antonio. Second, the Constitution prevents states from deciding on their own if the country is under armed assault. And third, the constitutional provision that Abbot refers to was written to allow states to defend themselves until federal troops arrive.

But lets not bother Abbott or Cox with history. This is political theater — a “B” movie at best — where facts can get in the way of a good story. If Abbott wants to be Col. Jim Bowie, that would make Cox the alfalfa farmer played by the dufus Andy Devine. Oh my gosh, look at all them people. So this is what an invasion looks like.

It really is puzzling what Cox thinks he could to do up here in Utah about the invasion of aliens. Put a tariff on tacos?

But Utah Senate President Stuart Adams had a brainstorm — send the Utah National Guard to the southern border to help gird the troops at The Alamo. And so Gov. Cox will deploy five — count 'em, f-i-v-e — members of the Utah guard and five members of the Utah Highway Patrol to the border to help fight off the invasion and show the country what we're made of here in Zion.

“Whatever is needed,” Adams said. “More than the troops, this would be a signal of unification of the states.”

Unification of the states, as in United States? The unified states fighting the... United States? It's all rather mind boggling.

Maybe this helps explain it: South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem and Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, both Republican patriots, have suggested that civil war could be in the offing. In the past Greene has suggested that red states and blue states should “divorce,” on account of blue states keep shoving immoral woke stuff down the throats of red-state patriots.

Spoiler Alert: Immigration challenges are nothing new. In 2006, 2013 and 2018, bipartisan agreements were reached that included pathways to citizenship for undocumented immigrants in the U.S. and additional border security to keep others out. Each time, Republicans walked away. Funny thing, that.

President Joe Biden continues to poll poorly, particularly on immigration. It's no secret that's why former President Donald Trump instructed his dutiful servant, House Speaker Mike Johnson, to scuttle the bi-partisan Senate bill that would have provided $20 billion for additional border security as well as more funding for Ukraine and Israel.

If it were passed how could Trump campaign against Biden's border failures. On the other hand, he'd find a way. If he were president, he would have fixed it a long time ago. But wait a second, wasn't he already... never mind.

That immigration legislation could also screw up Greg Abbott's starring role in is remake of The Alamo and blow holes in Spencer Cox's new profile as red-state warrior and his promising acting career on “As TrumpWorld Turns.”

Post script — That's going to do it for another white-knuckle week here at Smart Bomb where we keep track of Donald Trump's new shoe line so you don't have to. That's right Wilson, Big Orange has come out with gold high-top sneakers selling for a cool $399. It's the latest in MAGA-wear. Just think of all those middle-age Trump supporters in MAGA hats and gold high-tops — they'll be stylin'. Trump will have to sell a lot of the “Never Surrender High-Tops” to cover legal fines and penalties of about half a billion — with a “B” — dollars. But if his “Wanted” mug-shot T-shirts and his Trump Hero trading cards are any indicator they're going to be hot. No Wilson, Trump's face is not on the sneakers but they are emblazoned with a “T” and Old Glory. You're right, it's just not the same. Speaking of gold, Trump says the U.S. would not defend western European NATO members from Russia if they don't pay their bills — 2 percent of each country's GDP. That's pretty rich coming from a guy who is famous for not paying his bills. That said, western Europeans are messing their pants because Putin is off the rails — something he has in common with Trump — and crazy Americans could again elect the big, orange felonious gasbag as president. Are we really that stupid? Don't answer that.

Well Wilson, there are 37 weeks left until the election. That's 260 days – give or take. 'Till then we'll be sitting on pins and needles or nail-guns wondering if Trump will return to power and get even with everyone who didn't kiss his fat ass. So get the band, Wilson, and strike up a ditty to relieve our raging anxiety and heart palpitations:

Sitting here in limbo But I know it won't be long Sitting here in limbo Like a bird without a song Well, they're putting up a resistance But I know that my faith will lead me on Sitting here in limbo Waiting for the dice to roll Yeah, now, sitting here in limbo Got some time to search my soul Well, they're putting up a resistance But I know that my faith will lead me on Sitting here in limbo Waiting for the tide to flow Sitting here in limbo Knowing that I have to go Well, they're putting up a resistance But I know that my faith will lead me on I don't know where life will take me But I know where I have been I don't know what life will show me But I know what I have seen Tried my hand at love and friendship That is past and gone And now it's time to move along Sitting in limbo, limbo, limbo, Sitting in limbo...

(Sitting In Limbo — Jimmy Cliff)

[cksmart-world]

SMART BOMB

The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis

By Christopher Smart

February 13, 2024

CARPET BOMBED BY TAYLOR SWIFT

She's here. She's there. She's everywhere. She's on Facebook. She's on Instagram. She's on Tic Tok. Taylor Swift is Time magazine's person of the year. You're right Wilson, it's like we're being carpet bombed by Taylor Swift. She is in Tokyo. Will she make it back for the Super Bowl? She's over Hawaii. She's made it to L.A. Yes, she's in Las Vegas to see beau Travis Kelce play pigskin hero. Oh thank goodness. Taylor Swift won four Grammies — four! More than 535 million follow her on social media — 535 million! Taylor Swift has 12 houses — 12! Her Eras Tour is set to make $1billion — $1 billion. She gave each member of her Eras Tour staff a $100,000 bonus — $100,000. Taylor Swift has a new album coming out called, “The Tortured Poets Department.” But why is there no apostrophe on “poets?” Is it one poet and they forgot the apostrophe — Poet's — or is many tortured poets — Poets'? People want to know. Not since Paris Hilton have we needed to keep up with someone's every move. Did she wear panties to the party? Does she have a sex tape with Kelce? Why do those MAGA people think she's a secret agent for the Pentagon? What does feng shui say about her future? Does she marry Kelce? Does she defeat Trump? Can you stand it, Wilson. Can you stand it.

UTAH — LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT

Some people might not like Utah on account of were not woke here. Well if you don't love Utah's “weird” ways, as Gov. Spencer Cox put it, then by all means hit the road. Brainiac analyst Andy Larsen at The Salt Lake Tribune noted that some of our policies enacted by the state legislature might encourage some folks to leave or not come here in the first place. Cry us a river. According to the data, Utah is losing promising students, graduates, doctors, scientists, techies, teachers and the like — a veritable brain drain — because we're a little narrow-minded. Boohoo. These people want reproductive healthcare for women, they want diversity at schools and work, they want to be free to teach in classrooms without Puritan overseers, they want books in libraries and a place were their LGBTQ kids aren't prone to suicide. Picky, picky, picky. When it comes to morality and culture wars the righteous brethren on Capitol Hill know what's best. Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) is “almost evil,” according to Cox and Utah lawmakers couldn't move fast enough to show the Republican National Committee how we roll when it comes to things that aren't The Great Salt Lake. So stuff that in your blue blazer and don't let the door hit you in your heathen ass on the way out of Zion.

THE BEST LAWS ARE MADE IN THE DARK

Utah Senate President Stuart Adams, R-Layton, knows a thing or two about lawmaking — keep it secret and make it quick. He's proposing legislation that would create an all-powerful Water Development Council and Water Agent that could plan massive projects, like pipelines and dams, out of sight of the public. Pretty slick. The proposed legislation would exempt the council and agent from the Utah Open Meetings Act and open records law. Is that cool, or what. Why mess around with a democratic process when you can just meet in the basement and get stuff done without a bunch of citizen whining. After all, it's just water they could import from other states. It's so much more efficient than airing the details out in public — like how much it could cost and little things like that. It might be just coincidence but some folks on Capitol Hill are talking about building pipelines from the Pacific Ocean or the Columbia River to The Great Salt Lake. That could cost hundreds of billions, but it's just taxpayer money. So, why buy water rights from the alfalfa growers along the Bear River, where much of the lake's source water is sucked up. After all, farming is tradition and we don't want to mess with that. And anyway, how would the Chinese feed their cattle without Utah alfalfa.

Post script — That's it for another Super Week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of Tayor Swift so you don't have to. Ha! Just kidding. No one can keep track of Taylor Swift. OK, trick question: Who won the Super Bowl? Answer: Taylor Swift duh. Pop star Adele has this advice for people complaining about seeing Taylor Swift at football games: “Get a f-ing life!” So take that, Wilson. Moving right along: Speaking of the Once-Great Salt Lake, Brian Steed, the lake's new commissioner, told KUER that 800 square miles of now-exposed lake-bed pose a health risk from blowing dust containing carcinogens and heavy metals. It would cost an initial $1.5 billion to hold the dust down plus $15 million a year in maintenance. Or we could fill the lake back to healthy levels at a fraction of the cost. But hey, no worries, the legislature thinks the Lord will take care of it. And then there is this: According to the Deseret News, Jim Leany took the furnishings from Lamb's Grill, the old Salt Lake City landmark, and moved them to his TRUreligion Pancake and Steakhouse on Orem's State Street. Lamb's, of course, was where Utah's powerbroker huddled to remake the capital city with taxpayer money. And maybe there was a little bit in it for them, too. Ah, those were the days.

Well Wilson, we could do something to honor Taylor Swift but she really doesn't need any help or accolades. Still, this whole thing with the MAGA conspiracy that Swift is a psyops agent is really a gas. So, what do you say, Wilson, you and the guys in the band must have something for those real secret agents out there that keep evil at bay:

There's a man who leads a life of danger To everyone he meets he stays a stranger With every move he makes Another chance he takes Odds are he won't live to see tomorrow Secret Agent Man Secret Agent Man They've given you a number and taken away your name Beware of pretty faces that you find A pretty face can hide an evil mind Oh, be careful what you say Or you'll give yourself away Odds are you won't live to see tomorrow Secret Agent Man Secret Agent Man They've given you a number and taken away your name Swinging on the Riviera one day And then laying in a Bombay alley next day Oh, don't you let the wrong words slip While kissing persuasive lips Odds are you won't live to see tomorrow Secret Agent Man Secret Agent Man They've given you a number and taken away your name

(Secret Agent Man — Johnny Rivers)

[cksmart-world]

SMART BOMB

The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis

By Christopher Smart

February 6, 2024

TOP 10 WAYS TRUMP IS LIKE ELVIS

Recently former president Donald Trump posted a split screen of himself and Elvis and asked his followers on TruthSocial media platform how much he looked like The King. (We are not making this up.) The staff here at Smart Bomb wanted to help out:

1 – They both have eyes but Trump's are kinda beady.

2 – The both have noses, although Trump's nostrils are always flared.

3 – They both have sexy lips, except for Trump.

4 – Donald and Elvis are both trend setters when it comes to hair.

5 – They both have nice complexions except Trump's is red and scaly.

6 – Like Elvis, women throw their panties at Trump.

7 – They both have big waddles of flesh under their chin, except Elvis.

8 – Elvis and Donald both look great in tight, white golf pants.

9 – They both have hair growing out their ears and noses.

10 – And the #1 reason Donald and Elvis are similar — they don't look like Taylor Swift.

THE $56 BILLION MAN & THE COMPUTER CHIP IN HIS BRAIN

In order to out-smart courts, investors and Tesla drivers, billionaire entrepreneur Elon Musk had his company, Neurolink, implant a wireless computer chip in his head. It is synced with a super computer called “Deep Purple” that is so smart it can it can out-think Donald Trump. “Telepathy” is what Musk christened the device but that may be a misnomer, there is no evidence it can read minds — yet. Musk got the chip after Judge Kathaleen McCormick ruled that he could not receive a $56 billion pay package from Tesla because it would harm investors. With his new Deep Purple computer-brain Musk intends to pull a fast one on the courts. In order to do so, Deep Purple was fed documents from New York's fraud case against Trump because experts say it is the best blueprint for screwing investors, banks and the government. Some pundits observe that Trump isn't very intelligent. But he does excel at cheating people and institutions, according to psychiatrists at John Hopkins. Musk is the first human being to test Deep Purple. Cautionary note: Reuters reported in 2022 that testing of the chip resulted in the deaths of 1,500 animals, including sheep, monkeys and pigs. For his part Musk said he isn't worried because he is not a sheep, a monkey or a pig. That's why they call him “genius.”

DON'T LIKE FEDERAL LAW — THEN SCREW IT

Hey Wilson, have you heard the latest; here in Utah if we don't like a federal law we can simply ignore it. For real. The State Legislature passed and the governor signed into law a measure by which we can thumb our nose (or use other gestures) at the feds, as if to say, up yours. Pretty cool, huh. Of course, like most things, the GOP brain trust on Capitol Hill didn't come up with this legal jujitsu on its own. Right now Texas is pretending to take up arms against the United States, i.e., President Joe Biden, because immigrants are entering the country illegally from Mexico as they have for decades. Of course, the U.S. Constitution doesn't allow states to go their own way but why pick nits when the curtain is going up on political theater — “As MAGA World Turns.” Oh, by the way, our governor, Spencer Cox, along with the rest of the Red State honchos, is on board with Texas Gov. Greg Abbott — playing the part of Sam Houston at The Alamo — as he dispatches the National Guard to stink it up so voters will continue to blame Democrats for the border chaos. Enter Donald “Davey Crockett” Trump who commanded his congressional foot soldiers to scuttle a bi-partisan immigration deal that could fix the mess. How can he campaign against Biden's border failure if it's been fixed. Remember The Alamo!

Post Script: That's gunna do it for another fun-filled week here at Smart Bomb where we keep track of the solar system so you don't have to. Hey Wilson, do you and the guys in the band know the moon is shrinking. For real. It's core is cooling and it's causing all kinds of moonquakes, which could mess up landing sites and exploration. The lunar surface has shrunk by about 150 feet in circumference over the last few million years, according to NASA scientists. It's a big deal on the moon but too small to cause any ripple effect on Earth or to tidal cycles. No Wilson, we're not sure what The Bible has to say about that but the Chinese Lunar New Year will go on as scheduled. FYI: this is the year of the Dragon. Speaking of moons, in October, NASA will launch its Europa Clipper space vehicle, which will travel to one of Jupiter's moons, Europa, to determine if it's suitable for life. Scientists predict it has a salty ocean beneath its icy surface. Discovered in 1610 by Galileo, it's one of the most promising places in our solar system that could support life. Among other things, the Europa Clipper will bring along on its eight-year mission the names of people who signed up through its “Message in Bottle” program.

There are plenty of songs about the moon. But let's forego those today in honor of Trump and Elvis. Wilson, we know you and the guys have something special just for this occasion:

You ain't nothin' but a hound dog Cryin' all the time You ain't nothin' but a hound dog Cryin' all the time Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit And you ain't no friend of mine When they said you was high-classed Well, that was just a lie When they said you was high-classed Well, that was just a lie You ain't never caught a rabbit And you ain't no friend of mine You ain't nothin' but a hound dog Cryin' all the time You ain't nothin' but a hound dog Cryin' all the time Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit And you ain't no friend of mine When they said you was high-classed Well, that was just a lie When they said you was high-classed Well, that was just a lie Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit And you ain't no friend of mine (Hound Dog — written by Jerry Lleiber and Mike Stoller, originally by recorded by Big Mama Thornton, 1952; popularized by Elvis Presley, 1956.)

[cksmart-world]

SMART BOMB

The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis

By Christopher Smart

January 30, 2024

LAWMAKERS BAN UTE INDIANS FROM PUBLIC RESTROOMS

In its zeal to protect women and all of mankind, the Utah Legislature quickly passed a bill that would ban transgender people from public restrooms. But in the hubbub of the last minute scurry to push it through, along with legislation aimed at the communist inspired underpinnings of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI), an unintended consequence was discovered — a bit too late. Within the language of the proposed law that seeks to deny basic civil rights without getting sued, lawmakers used double-negatives and dangling participles resulting in Native Americans being disallowed from public restrooms. “We want to protect our Indian brothers and sisters,” said Republican Rep. Randy Brandy. “We don't want minorities to get special stuff under DEI, except for Indians, on account of they are descendants of the Lamanites.” Instead, lawmakers ended up protecting Indians from those freaky transgender people in restrooms. After a closed caucus powwow, state GOP leaders announced a plan to reverse the so-called “No Freaks or Indians” bill, to be called the “No Subhumans in the Toilets” act. Caught with their pants down, Republicans issued a statement saying they were elected to do Lord's work and that's exactly what they'll continue to do. God bless 'em.

GLAMOROUS CAMPING NEAR MOAB — $2,000 A NIGHT

Thank goodness it's finally here: Glamorous Camping, often called “Glamping,” is about to arrive in Utah's red rock country. Dig it — roughing it in luxury as only Americans can do. As reported in the Moab Times-Independent, a Colorado developer will construct 16 units that look like tents but really are top-end facilities with everything from saunas to bidets. Have you ever used a bidet in the desert. It's just part of the evolution of Utah's magical sandstone deserts that — as Ed Abbey warned — has always been ripe for packaging as a commodity for profit and taxes. Imagine, no more having to stay in a Moab motel for $300 a night. You'll be glamping right out in nature with gourmet food and wine pairings that'll spice up the wonders of raw nature better than ever. Well no, Wilson, they probably never dropped acid in Canyonlands, so that's really not a fair comparison. But we digress. Imagine getting a full-body massage after roughing it all day with your guide in an air-conditioned Mercedes SUV and catered finger food. You only live once. You'll sit out under the beautiful clear sky and experience the Milky Way and the quiet of the desert like never before. Of course, there'll be wifi so you don't miss any important emails or the next episode of “Ted Lasso.”

GOV. COX AND MR. HYDE — BE NICE AND GET THE RAZOR WIRE

“Woke,” is the last thing any self-respecting conservative wants to be called. It's the kiss of death — better to be called an axe-murderer. But Time magazine did it to Utah Gov. Spencer “Sonny Boy” Cox when it declared he is “The Red-State Governor Who's Not Afraid to Be 'Woke.'” Cox gained national attention for suggesting that Americans should “disagree better.” And he vetoed legislation that would ban transgender girls from school soccer. (Lawmakers overrode the veto.) Then something happened. The mild-mannered governor came out against Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) programs — as did every other Red-State legislature — that he had previously championed. More recently, Sonny Boy said he favored razor wire in the Rio Grande River despite a Supreme Court Ruling. It's responsible for deaths of women and children crossing into the United States. Cox signed on with 24 other Red-State governors supporting the Texas initiative to usurp control of the southern border from the federal government in what clearly is an illegal act. So, did the big money-boys get to Cox or did his GOP colleagues make him run the red-fanny gauntlet? It's nice to be nice but sometimes they just won't let you. And on more thing — HE'S NOT WOKE, DAMNIT!

Post script — That's a wrap for another fun-filled week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce so you don't have to. Well Wilson, it's Taylor Swift's world and we're just lucky to be living in it. Not since Patriot's quarterback Tom Brady and supermodel Gisele Bundchen have we been so enthralled by Beauty and the Beast. Did you know that Kelce, the Kansas City Chief's tight end, appeared in 375 commercials during NFL games this season. No lie. It's the kind of information we just can't get enough of. Fun Fact: As of their 2023 divorce, Bundchen was worth an estimated $400 million to Brady's $300 million. No Wilson, we don't know what that means — but it must mean something. On another front, Donald Trump is just fit to be tied with Nikki Haley. After she came in second at the New Hampshire primary, Haley bounded on stage with a big winning grin to gush about what a great finish she had and to thank all her supporters for making it possible. A red-faced Donald Trump blew a gasket. How could she pretend that she won when she didn't, he seethed. Don't you just hate it when someone loses and they say they won. What's the world coming to.

Well shucks, Wilson, you think those folks who go glamping will really get the true sense of the red rock desert. Well, it'll be better than “windshield tourism” where people don't leave their cars, except for the restroom. How 'bout you and the guys in the band help them glampers get some of the real flavor of our spiritual red rock kingdom:

Well I'm ridin' along Singin' the same ol' cowboy song That's been sung a hundred times before Ain't got nothin' but my name And I'm the only man I know to blame But I'm livin', I'm happy and I'm free Just listen to the wind blow Let it blow, let it blow Sand over my trail I got my saddle on the ground And that ol' moon, he can still be found Hidin' in the desert sky I like simple things in life Like a prairie breeze A good stout horse between my knees Just bein' alone, just bein' me And when I die let me die With a dream in my mind A smile on my face and no trouble behind And no cross on my grave To show my restin' place So I can listen to the wind blow Let it blow, let it blow Sand over my trail I got my saddle on the ground And that ol' moon, he can still be found Hidin' in the desert sky Won't you bury me with my chaps on And my six-gun strapped to my side So I can watch the moon a-hidin' In the desert sky Hidin' in the desert sky

(Desert Skies — The Marshall Tucker Band)

[cksmart-world]

SMART BOMB

The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis

By Christopher Smart

January 23,2024

CAPTAIN MORONI WILL BE ON THE BALLOT

Mike Lee, Utah's senior senator and self-proclaimed constitutional expert, says former president Donald Trump cannot be kept off the 2024 presidential election ballot because he's not an “officer,” as outlined in Sec. 3 of the 14th Amendment. And if you believe that we can sell you some shares in a nice salty lake with a bright future. That's on the same level as calling Jan. 6 a nice LDS family reunion or labeling 467 insurrectionists now behind bars as poor, little hostages, as some Republicans insist. The real question is whether Trump is an insurrectionist or whether he aided insurrectionists, as delineated in the amendment. All Trump did was lead a conspiracy to overturn an election, derail certification of electoral college votes and direct a mob of thousands to “fight like hell,” resulting in the ravaging of the Capital and death and destruction. But hold on, according to Mike Lee, those MAGA mobs were not spurred on by Trump but led by undercover FBI agents. Whoa momma. Lee must be drinking ibogaine tea again. In October 2016, Lee posted a 3 minute video urging the abhorrent Trump to get out of the race for president. Later, Lee warmly compared Trump to Book of Mormon hero Captain Moroni. If that doesn't put Lee's “Temple Recommend” in jeopardy, what would.

FURRY HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS? CALL ANIMAL SERVICES

If you thought the urban legend of litter boxes in High School restrooms was cute, you'll love this. Oklahoma state Rep. Justin Humphrey, a Republican, introduced a bill that would mandate Animal Services remove students from school who identify as “furries.” The legislation would ban students from activities who “purport to be imaginary animals, or who engage in anthropomorphic behavior commonly referred to as furries.” The right-wing rumor mill along with hate radio had earlier come up with the hoax that schools were accommodating students with litter boxes who wore furry clothing. According to NBC News, some 20 GOP politicians peddled the litter box hoax in 2022 as a means to stir up opposition to LGBTQ students. It's amazing how conservatives come up with this stuff and peddle it to each other at the speed of light. Some mastermind came up with banning Critical Race Theory (CRT) in public schools, even though it wasn't taught in K-12 anywhere. Before you could say, NAACP, the Utah Legislature passed a resolution banning CRT. Next up was Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI), and bam, red states were flipping out — including Utah. So why haven't Utah lawmakers banned litter boxes in schools yet. Maybe they like cats.

REP. RIP VAN WINKLE AND THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

Well sports fans here we go again. Separation of church and state does not mean separation of church and state. Nope. It means conservative politicians can pick and choose which tenants of Christianity they'll utilize to deny Americans their freedoms. In the latest wrinkle of this never-ending dramedy, Utah Rep. Mike Peterson, R-Logan, who has been asleep under a chestnut tree for decades, has proposed legislation to display the Ten Commandments in every Utah public school. Of course, federal courts, including the U.S. Supreme Court, have ruled many times that such action would violate the Constitution. The hits just keep coming. Every year we watch as Mormon lawmakers try to out-righteous each other when in Janurary they pack up like wild hounds getting their righteous indignations supercharged — they must chase down the jack rabbits of liberalism — such as freedom of religion. By simply displaying the Big Ten, students will not kill, covet, lie or commit adultery or become queer liberals. And it may even get muslims, jews, and others to recognize this is a christian country and they should convert or skedaddle. Last but hardly least, it will show the brethren in the legislature who among them are the most righteous and who are just Jack Mormons.

Post script — That'll do it for another vapid week here at Smart Bomb where we keep track of the Separation of Powers so you don't have to. OK Wilson, lookit, the Supreme Court is totally screwed up. Congress is screwed up, too. And Donald Trump, the anti-messiah, has got a real shot at the White House. Even those dudes in the Optimist Club are down in the dumps. It's hard to put in perspective, but try this: Rome fell in 476 A.D. However, if you go to Rome today, what do you find? Romans! We know that's cold comfort. Who wants to live out their remaining days under Donald Caesar. Historic Fact: Julius Caesar was stabbed to death by a group of 59 senators on the Ides of March (March 15), 44 BC. (The staff here at Smart Bomb would never suggest such a thing.) Here's some recent history: In the 1920s the Ku Klux Klan swelled in popularity from coast-to-coast with membership well past 1 million. In August 1925, 60,000 Klan members in white robes and conical hats marched down Pennsylvania Avenue to the White House. They were weighing in on local, state and national politics. By 2016, their numbers had dwindled to 3,000. No Wilson, we don't know if they're all Republicans. But it does give hope that MAGA, too, will eventually be relegated to the Dumpster of history.

Well Wilson, Donald Trump ain't goin' away anytime soon. Some think he's from a parallel universe where everything is inverted. Others say he's the product of 50 years of John Birch-style craziness. Either way he's as malignant as any Grand Dragon. So, get the guys in the band to put down the bong and bang out a theme song for The Big Orange one:

On the day I was born The nurses all gathered 'round And they gazed in wide wonder At the joy they had found The head nurse spoke up Said "leave this one alone" She could tell right away That I was bad to the bone Bad to the bone B-B-B-B-Bad Bad to the bone I make a rich woman beg I'll make a good woman steal I'll make an old woman blush And make a young girl squeal I wanna be yours pretty baby Yours and yours alone I'm here to tell ya honey That I'm bad to the bone B-B-B-B-Bad Bad to the bone And when I walk the streets Kings and Queens step aside Every woman I meet They all stay satisfied I wanna tell ya pretty baby Well Ya see I make my own I'm here to tell ya honey That I'm bad to the bone Bad to the bone B-B-B-B-Bad Bad to the bone

(Bad to the Bone — George Thorogood)

[cksmart-world]

SMART BOMB

The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis

By Christopher Smart

January 16, 2024

PSYOPS AGENT TAYLOR SWIFT'S ANTI-MAGA CAMPAIGN

The Pentagon has enlisted pop superstar Taylor Swift into its Psychological Operations Unit. What? So says conservative henchmen Jessie Waters on his Fox propaganda show. Seriously? Waters says he doesn't have any solid proof, “but we’re curious because the pop star who endorsed [now-President Joe] Biden is urging millions of her followers to vote.” Waters went on to say Swift's boyfriend, Travis Kelce, who plays for the Kansas City Chiefs, made a vaccine commercial for Pfizer. (Well that proves it.) And that ain't all — how did Taylor Swift, aka “Asset Tay,” get so popular so fast, Waters wondered. Her huge popularity could be covertly implemented to sway voters to go for Biden in 2024. She might write a song with subliminal cuts, like, “Joe's the one.” Or “Trump's a rapist.” It is true that the FBI used Asset Tay's version of “Speak Now” to encourage people to send them tips on criminal activity. Right-wing radio talk show host Charlie Kirk, too, is sounding the alarm — Swift has 272 million followers on Instagram and she's mobilizing them — Holy Shit! “We act as if she is like Mother Mary or something. Newsflash, she ain't Mother Mary,” Kirk warned. “All the Swifties want is swift abortion.” And just possibly a president not named Trump. Get out the pitchforks, the Swifties are coming.

PATIENCE MY ASS, I WANNA IMPEACH SOMEBODY

Years ago, Wilson bought a T shirt at Ray's, the legendary burger place in Green River. On it, two buzzards are sitting on a tree branch and one says to the other: “Patience My Ass, I'm Gonna Kill Something.” He donned the buzzard tee the other day and immediately it reminded the political analysts here at Smart Bomb of the Buzzard Caucus in the House of Representatives — “Patience My Ass, I Wanna Impeach Someone.” On top of the list, of course, is President Joe Biden — payback is a bitch. The latest neck on the GOP chopping block is that of Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas, who screwed up by letting people from Central America, the Middle East, and Africa enter Mexico and park their butts near our southern border. And of course, the Buzzard Caucus is going after Hunter Biden because he went all over Europe whoring and snorting coke and telling fat cats he was the son of then-V.P. Joe Biden. Said fat cats then allegedly sent Hunter and Joe $5 million stuffed in the guts of a crate of frozen mackerel. Now the challenge for the Buzzard Caucus is whom to impeach next. Some in the House Freedom Caucus are jonesing to impeach Hillary Clinton. She's not in office any more but MAGA voters don't know that and they want to kill someone.

FERAL HOG HUNTING ON UTAH'S CAPITOL HILL

A lot of folks are getting red-faced over Attorney General Sean Reyes' lavish spending of campaign dollars on luxury travel to Europe, Mexico, Qatar and everywhere USA. Although Utah law forbids the use of campaign contributions on personal expenditures we shouldn't be too quick to point fingers at Reyes because when he was in Texas hunting hogs from helicopters, he was actually working. Choppers are really good when you're searching for trafficked children — if you can spot a hog in the brush then... well, you get it. And there are times when the attorney general just has to go skiing and river running to get to the bottom of things. Sean Reyes is a well-respected Republican public servant who was tapped to clean up the Attorney General's Office after Republican predecessors Mark Shurtleff and John Swallow stunk the place up. So what if Reyes spent a young fortune hobnobbing with the jet set, that's how business is done at the AG's office anymore. Some GOP frowny-face lawmakers wonder what is wrong with the system. But when Democrat Jan Graham held the office there were no scandals. Hmmm. But we shouldn't be judgmental or joke about Reyes' campaign consultant's name — Alan Crooks — it's not that funny. And besides he doesn't even know Shurtleff and Swallow.

Post script — That's a wrap for another glorious week here at Smart Bomb where we keep track of people who call themselves Christians so you don't have to. You know, it's surprising, Wilson, the staff here at Smart Bomb was unaware that Jesus taught hatred. Evangelicals are now sporting ball caps that say, “Jesus Is My Savior, Donald Trump Is My President.” Catchy. One Christian voter told The Associated Press regarding Trumps numerous legal troubles, “I think they are doing the same thing they did to Jesus on the cross.” Yep, the similarities are just striking. On his platform, Truth Social, Trump posted this: "Jesus is the Greatest. President Donald Trump is the second greatest." No Wilson, sorry to say we're not making this up. Maybe the Evangelicals forgot that Jesus once said, “For what shall it profit a man, if he gain the whole world and suffer the loss of his soul.” Sounds a lot like Trump, doesn't it. Well, not exactly. Funny how things can get turned on their heads. Maybe it's just human nature as captured in a Bible verse, 2 Timothy 4:3 — “For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions.” To that all we can say is, amen.

Well Wilson the Republicans seem to be looking in the wrong end of a telescope. Or maybe they should back off the ibogaine tea. Whatever it is, they're awfully confused. Why don't you and the guys in the band help 'em out with some religion hippie-style:

When I die and they lay me to rest Gonna go to the place that's the best When I lay me down to die Goin' up to the spirit in the sky Goin' up to the spirit in the sky That's where I'm gonna go when I die When I die and they lay me to rest Gonna go to the place that's the best Prepare yourself you know it's a must Gotta have a friend in Jesus So you know that when you die He's gonna recommend you To the spirit in the sky Gonna recommend you To the spirit in the sky That's where you're gonna go when you die When you die and they lay you to rest You're gonna go to the place that's the best Never been a sinner. I never sinned I got a friend in Jesus So you know that when I die He's gonna set me up with The spirit in the sky Oh set me up with the spirit in the sky That's where I'm gonna go when I die When I die and they lay me to rest I'm gonna go to the place that's the best Go to the place that's the best

(Spirit In The Sky — Norman Greenbaum)

[cksmart-world]

SMART BOMB

The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis

By Christopher Smart

January 9, 2024

GOV. “SMILEYFACE” COX TRAMPLING OUT EVIL DIVERSITY

In a stunning and heroic reversal Utah Gov. Spencer “Smileyface” Cox came out against decency (DEI) because, he said, it's “bordering on EVIL.” The move is nothing short of brave because in years past he has hailed decency (DEI) as a way to bring people together. “It's about kindness and love for our fellow travelers.” But that was then — now he's calling for universities to “disempower DEI bureaucrats, responsible to no one, who have turned campuses to laughingstocks.” Laughingstocks for god's sake! This, of course, has nothing to do with the presidents of M.I.T., Harvard and University of Pennsylvania getting skinned alive before the special congressional inquisition regarding the blatant elitism of colleges and the DEI movement to put minorities and queers in charge of just about everything. The Republican Party is sick of pandering to people who advance only due to their female gender, color, and gender identity. Now, the GOP is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored. This DEI stuff is even worse than CRT (critical race theory), where small white children are taught to hate themselves. Sure, disemboweling people at televised congressional hearings is never pretty but we have an election coming up and a democracy to defend — at least until Trump is elected.

GET YOUR ASHES SPREAD ON THE MOON — FOR REAL

People can get hung up on where their ashes should be spread after cremation. Some folks just say things for conversation sake, like: “I want my ashes spread on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride at Disneyland.” Strangely enough, people really do get their ashes dumped at Disneyland. It requires something like an E Ticket. Other popular places folks get their ashes spread include Yellowstone, Glacier National Park and the Grand Canyon. And now — you guessed it — you can get you ashes spread or dumped, as the case may be, on the moon. United Launch Alliance in conjunction with Astrobotic are planning to launch ashes to the moon, despite objections from the Navajo Nation that it flies in the face of their spirituality. “Máíí’ Hosh,” as the moon is called in Navajo, is their spiritual guide and protector. The tribe has protested to NASA, but the space agency apparently has no jurisdiction over lunar ash spreading. Regulations seem to be sorely lacking up there. Imagine you're a Navajo and you seek guidance on your journey of self discovery only to look up and know that white man has messed everything up again. The CEO of the space-ashes project put it this way: “We do not and never have let religious beliefs dictate humanity's space efforts." Well, there goes the neighborhood.

VIDEO: GOD GAVE US TRUMP

God is looking down on the Earth as the video opens with this narration: "On June 14th, 1946, God looked down on his planned paradise and said, 'I need a caretaker.' So God gave us Trump." No Wilson, we are not making this up. It's something North Korean dictator Kim Jung Un would produce to remind his countrymen how great he is. "God said, 'I need someone to wake up before dawn, fix this country, work all day, fight the Marxists, eat supper, then go to the Oval Office and stay past midnight... So God made Trump." It could be a skit on Saturday Night Live. But this is no joke — it goes on for another 2 minutes and would make Moses blush. "I need someone… who can make money from the tar of the sand [and] turn liquid to gold.” At a rally in Madison City, Iowa, last week, God's caretaker said this: “I could tell you about the elevators on an [aircraft] carrier and they decided not to use hydraulic like the John Deere tractor, they decided to use magnets... to lift up the elevators with seven planes.” he said to the crowd. “Now all I know about magnets is this, give me a glass of water, let me drop it on the magnets, that’s the end of the magnets. Why didn’t they use John Deere... Do you like John Deere? I like John Deere.” God really does work in mysterious ways.

Post script — That's going to do it for another frigid week here at Smart Bomb where we keep track of the chill factor so you don't have to. Don't worry, spring is only four or five months away. Speaking of chilling, Republicans are very good at bending the English language to their benefit. “Tax and spend liberals.” “Let's go Brandon.” “Stop the Steal.” Here's are the newest words to go through the GOP's twisted connotation machine: diversity, equity and inclusion. Who could have predicted that “diversity” would become a nasty word. Of course, we've known for a long time that the Republican Party is not a hotbed of diversity. But now they're saying it out loud. It's the Civil Rights Movement in reverse. And their habitual projection seems to be at work: “DEI is just another name for racism.” Translation — if you support diversity you are a racist. Next we may see folks in white robes and conical hats burning crosses. Two steps forward and one step back. Or is it one step forward and two back. “This is the beginning of the end for DEI in America’s institutions,”said conservative activist Chris Rufo. Here at Smart Bomb we prefer a quote from Martin Luther King, Jr. “Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”

Hey Wilson, how about you and the guys in the band serve up something upbeat that we can sing and dance to. You know, a nice, little ditty to put us in a good mood so we can face the rest of January. We've got the Wolf Moon coming up a little later this month, so take it away:

Well, it's a marvelous night for a Moondance With the stars up above in your eyes A fantabulous night to make romance 'Neath the cover of January skies And all the leaves on the trees are falling To the sound of the breezes that blow And I'm trying to please to the calling Of your heart-strings that play soft and low And all the night's magic seems to whisper and hush And all the soft moonlight seems to shine in your blush Well, I wanna make love to you tonight I can't wait 'til the morning has come And I know that the time is just right And straight into my arms you will run And when you come my heart will be waiting To make sure that you're never alone There and then all my dreams will come true, dear There and then I will make you my own And every time I touch you, you just tremble inside And I know how much you want me that you can't hide One more Moondance with you in the moonlight On a magic night In the moonlight On a magic night Can't I just have one more dance with you my love

(Moondance — Van Morrison)

[cksmart-world]

SMART BOMB

The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis

By Christopher Smart

January 2, 2024

SMART BOMB'S PREDICTIONS FOR 2024!

It's that time of year again when the staff here at Smart Bomb looks forward to the coming year. But since Wilson and the band broke our crystal ball we've had to look elsewhere for help making our annual predictions. So we turned to psychic Helga Olga Helga for some answers that might help guide us and you through the New Years:

— Great Salt Lake returns to capacity as alfalfa farming is banned along the Bear River.

UTA gives up on light rail in favor of a system of gondolas.

The Rio Tinto mining group plans 2034 Olympic Opening Ceremony in Kennecott's open-pit mine.

Major League Baseball comes to American Fork.

Mayor Erin Mendenhall takes Main Street back from Mormon Church.

Mayor Erin Mendenhall excommunicated from Mormon Church.

Utah Legislature approves Critical Race Theory but bans the word “slavery.”

The Utah towns of Beaver and Virgin sign a joint tourism agreement forming the Virgin Beaver Resort.

Gov. Spencer Cox selected as running mate for Donald Trump after signing an NDA.

The Utah Jazz win the NBA championship and then trade away all the starters.

LDS CHURCH BLOWS OUT THE STOPS TO REMAKE DOWNTOWN

Holy Moroni have you seen the new plans for Temple Square in downtown Salt Lake City. It's going to make the Vatican look like a Tooele trailer park. Smart Bomb's old pal, Tribune ace Tony Semerad, blew the lid off the heavenly inspired blueprint that would make Brigham Young blush. No Wilson, we are not making this up. The massive makeover would extend to Temple Square to 400 West in time to welcome the 2034 Winter Olympics and show the world the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints knows how to build a mall. Final plans are still in flux, so the staff here at Smart Bomb reached out to architects Dewey, Cheatem & Howe to get a feel for what it will look like. Interesting options include renovating the historic Hotel Utah that morphed into the Joseph Smith Memorial Building in 2000 when Main Street was permanently closed and Temple Square became “A Little Bit of Paris.” It could become the Saints Zion Museum. Inside, Olympic visitors could see life-like robots reenacting scenes, like Joseph Smith receiving the Golden Plates from the Angel Moroni and other Mormon history, such as the Mountain Meadows Massacre. Rather than “A Little Bit of Paris,” the new Temple Square could be dubbed “A Little Bit of The Celestial Kingdom.” Let the Games begin.

GASLIGHTING ALL THE WAY TO THE WHITE HOUSE

Every four years, things get weird. That's because politicians rewrite history to convince voters they're hallucinating on LSD or just demented. Case in point: the Civil War was not about slavery. No, of course not, it was about the economy and state's rights and God didn't make little green apples and it don't rain in Indianapolis in the summertime. GOP presidential candidate Nikki Haley stepped in it when asked what caused the Civil War. "I mean, I think the cause of the Civil War was basically how government was gonna run... ," Haley said. It was, no doubt, a trick question posed by a Democratic political operative. Republicans don't like to say the S-word, 'cause if there was slavery, then there would be the struggle for civil rights, the Voting Rights Act, racial quotas and all kinds of un-American stuff that points to our history of unspeakable... freedom. Or as Florida Gov. Jim DeSantis likes to say: Slavery was good because slaves learned skills they could use when they got free. Or as Supreme Court Justice John Roberts like to say: We don't need the Voting Rights Act anymore 'cause there is no longer any racial discrimination. That's why states such as Florida, Arkansas, Missouri and others are banning African-American History. Rewriting the past can be so rewarding.

Post script — That's a wrap for a warm and wonderful holiday and a hideous 2023 here at Smart Bomb where we keep track of national electoral politics so you don't have to. (WARNING: Watching news on television is harmful to your health.) It's light years to the presidential election, although the campaign has been going on since anybody can remember. Media types and pundits began talking about the 2024 election the minute after Joe Biden was sworn in. Do we really need to hear from Nikki Haley, Ron DeSantis and that Ramaswamy dude blabbing on every single day. In some places words don't mean what they mean. For example, Sec. 3 of the 14th Amendment says: “No person shall be a Senator or Representative in Congress, or elector of President and Vice-President or hold any office, civil or military... who, having previously taken an oath... to support the Constitution of the United States, shall have engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same, or given aid or comfort to the enemies thereof.” This, of course, doesn't mean Trump can't be president because it just can't mean what it says. And besides, who said he engaged in insurrection or gave aid to insurrectionists. You just can't believe your lyin' eyes.

A new year Wilson and we should be on the look out for good stuff and try to ignore the bad stuff. It's a mean world out there and we ought to listen to the guy who said it's up to all of us to make a difference. So wake up the band and take us out with a little something to help us jettison some of the cynicism:

As I walk through / This wicked world Searchin' for light in the darkness of insanity. I ask myself / Is all hope lost? Is there only pain and hatred, and misery? And each time I feel like this inside, There's one thing I wanna know: What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding? Ohhhh What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding? And as I walked on / Through troubled times My spirit gets so downhearted sometimes So where are the strong / And who are the trusted? And where is the harmony? / Sweet harmony. 'Cause each time I feel it slippin' away, just makes me wanna cry. What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding? What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding? So where are the strong? / And who are the trusted? And where is the harmony? / Sweet harmony. 'Cause each time I feel it slippin' away, just makes me wanna cry. What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding? What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding? What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding?

(Peace, Love and Understanding — Elvis Costello)