clown-thoughts

[clown-thoughts]

Dear, you know who:

It’s been a long time since I wrote out my thoughts about you, but it’s not been long since you’ve been on my mind. I hope that if you ever see this, you read the whole thing. I know it’s insanely long, and you hate me, so I won’t hold my breath. But I think it might be good for you if you do. I’ve thought about you every single day. I tried to distance myself from you by ignoring this new blog of yours for a long time, but I’ve been watching it for a few months now.  I’ve wanted to say something for a long time, but I wasn’t sure how to say it or even what to say. But these past few nights have been even harder than normal and I feel like now I just have to get everything off my chest that I’ve been holding in for all this time. I’m leaving it here, rather than messaging it to you directly, because it’s more about me saying what I’ve needed to say for almost 2 years now, rather than trying to directly confront or talk to you. That said, I will try to make sure you at least have a chance to find this, so you can read this and maybe understand me better, who knows. Maybe it will at least be a good distraction from the new drama in your life. Where to begin? I have so much to say. I’m sure that you’re smart enough to know who I am by now, and if not you will by the end of this.  We are not on speaking terms. The last I heard from you, you hated my fucking guts. And I certainly understand, to a degree. But you also said a bunch of shit about me that I think you must know was not true. I’ve since wondered if you said that just to make yourself look better and justify your own shitty treatment of me.  But that isn’t really what this is about. I want to preface everything, by saying that if you do ever find this and read it, none of this is meant to hurt you, it is meant to give MYSELF closure. But I will be speaking my honest thoughts in detail, and they will probably be kinda harsh at parts. I know that telling you this probably just falls on deaf ears, last I heard, you thought I was some lying, manipulative bastard who used you or some dumb shit. Well I can honestly say that you may think what you want, but everything I’m going to say is the 100% honest truth, as I have known and experienced it this past year and a half or so. I’m sure you won’t listen to it or read it if you ever do find it, and that’s why I’m not sending it directly. But you did always say you wanted me to tell you the truth. So here it is, better late than never I guess. The reason I decided to type this out now is two-fold; 1) Seeing you write about what you’re going through, I saw you describe a lot of the same feelings that I felt, (and in some cases, still feel) and it made me think, that maybe hearing the perspective of someone who was, (or is) in a similar situation would help you process it yourself, as well as understand me better. And, 2) A few days ago, on my birthday, I had a stroke in a movie theater and almost died. And right before I lost consciousness, I found myself thinking of you, in what I thought would be my last thoughts. When I woke up, I knew I needed to say my true feelings about you, because it would be my biggest regret to die without you knowing. The truth is, when we first got together, I still had some very strong, unresolved feelings for someone else I was close to. As time went on, she and I got flirtier, and it was definitely wrong of me, and I regret it immensely. Still, we never did anything physical until you and I split up. You and I were fighting a lot, and I’m not sure if you recall, but you were the one who pushed me and TOLD ME I should dump you. So I did. And I have never made a worse decision than that one. I shouldn’t have listened to you, I should have fought harder for you. But I didn’t, because I was an idiot. But at the time, I thought it was for the best. You were unhappy, and I wasn’t good enough for you. I hated that I was hurting you. And I felt guilty for having feelings for someone else at the same time. So when we split up, I tried not to think of you and I pursued this other girl I cared for. I knew going in, that she was a bad person. She is an extremely manipulative and mentally ill person. She lies for sport it seems like sometimes. She lied about me to her family, lied about her family to me. And she lied about me to you. I warned you, way back when we were together, that’s exactly what she’d do. I don’t know if you still have a relationship with her, but I hope for your sake, it’s nothing deeper than surface level. But again, as I said, I knew this going in, and I still couldn’t help but care for her. I thought I could “fix” her, cure the monster inside her. But I couldn’t. Her heart is pitch black. And when I accepted this... I still stuck by her, because I felt like I deserved it. I was an awful person. I lied about and hid my feelings for her from you. You were so sweet to me and I felt like I was such a letdown compared to you, like I couldn’t give you all the love and kindness you deserved. And because of that, I thought I deserved her; someone who treated me as poorly as I treated you. But when it came to the physical stuff with her, I couldn’t make myself go all the way. I tried to get myself into it by going through the motions, but it felt empty. I couldn’t have sex with her cause she wasn’t you. I tried so hard to push you out of my mind and I couldn’t. I stopped making an effort with her, and after a while she told me to fuck off. Truthfully, I didn’t feel a twinge of sadness to lose her, because at that point, I realized that even after knowing her for 10 years, those feelings weren’t as strong as the feelings I had for you, and whatever romantic feelings I still had for her died that day. When I saw how sad you were, all I could think of was how much I wanted to cheer you up and make you happy. I know it was selfish. And it was even more selfish to lie about me and her, to hide all of that from you. The truth is, I knew you couldn’t handle it, and I chose to selfishly try to forget and pretend it never happened. Now, I don’t know, you seem more grounded, I feel like you might understand better now that you’ve experienced similar things. You did leave me for someone else, after all.  But I regret it so much. I regret fucking up so badly, I regret lying about it. But in the end, it ultimately made me a better person. After that, I never flirted with or looked at another girl again for the entire time we were together. I never wanted anyone else. But you did, eventually, and you left. I was devastated and heartbroken. I made that other blog to vent and talk with you back then.  At the same time, a friend of yours came to me and tried to comfort me. She told me all these things about you, like that you had been cheating on me with the guy you left me for and he had been buying you gifts and shit while we were together. Looking back now, I don’t know if that’s what really happened, or if she was just trying to make me hate you for some ulterior motive. You 2 certainly aren’t friends anymore.  She and I got close. She was very pretty and kind, but what I really liked about her, when it all came down to it, was how much she was like you. Maybe too much like you, cause she cheated on her boyfriend with me, then ditched him for me, then ditched me for another guy who she thought would cause “less drama” at the time. Then the ex boyfriend killed himself because of this and she cheated on the new guy with me too. I felt pretty shitty, but I didn’t know what to do. She was there for me when I had no one. I was there for her when she needed a distraction from her grief I guess. But eventually, she felt better and ditched me again, for good, and I was all alone. So I did what I always do when I’m alone; I reached out to shitty people from my past. I did this the first time we split up too, if you recall, with a certain pink haired girl with a drug problem. But this time I reached out to the same psycho bitch who I used to have feelings for. In my desperation to not be alone, I made the mistake of giving that sociopath ammo. So the next day, she had twisted it into some sort of “proof” of my wrongdoings and told you all sorts of lies about me. It troubled me that you would believe her and form this hate alliance thing so easily, especially since I WARNED you about her doing that EXACT thing back when we were together. But I also had to look myself in the mirror and realize that I was just as dumb for reaching out to her and expecting anything else anyway. Plus I had broken your trust, so it was understandable that you wouldn’t believe me. And you were looking for reasons to hate me anyway, so you wouldn’t feel guilty. That was the last time I ever heard from you. You said so many awful things about me. I don’t know if you truly believed what you said about me, or if you just said them because you were mad at the time. But the main thing that hurt me was that you thought all my feelings were fake. That I never really loved you, that I was using you, all this bullshit that I was sure you knew wasn’t true. I couldn’t reply to you back then, because I knew you wouldn’t listen to or believe me. I doubt you will now either. But I need to say them, if not for you, then at least for myself. My life after that was the worst it has ever been. I had multiple mental breakdowns at work and had to be sent home. I started drinking heavily. I attempted suicide for the first time in my life. I missed more work and my grades started slipping. I tried to move on and find someone else. I tried to have what I had with you with lots of other people. But the hole in my heart is shaped like you,and no one else can fill it. I’ve since given up on ever finding someone I can love like I love you. I don’t even try anymore, because all I know how to do is compare other people to you. They all fall short. Eventually, I got kicked out of school because my grades got so shitty. That meant I lost my financial aid, so I couldn’t afford to live there anymore. I lost my home and my job too. My cats ran away a few days before I had to move out, and I couldn’t find them in time, so I lost them as well. I had them for so many years, and in those final months, they’re the only ones who were there for me. I miss them so much.  On the day I packed up to move out, I found your old key to my house in my yard. I don’t know how long it was there, if you left it while I was there or when I was gone at work, I’m not sure. I remember it had some rust on it. I think I overthought it, but I spent a lot of time wondering about it, and wondering about you. I wondered if you ever remembered anything positive about me. I wondered if you had any happy memories of us. I still do. But I try very hard not to think of them, because those happy memories are the most painful now. I moved back in with my family after all that. Had nowhere else to go. I didn’t have a room or even a bed, I slept on a couch that was way too small for me and woke up every day with chronic back pain. For 6 months. I remember thinking back then, that I hated you. I hated you for hurting me so badly, I hated you for breaking me. I blamed you for all my misery and misfortune.But underneath all that, I really just hated myself. I hated myself for fucking up so bad. I hated myself for not being able to give you everything you deserve. I hated that I wasn’t good enough for you. I went a full year without checking on you. I thought maybe that would make me stop thinking of you. But every other night, I’d see you in my dreams. This didn’t start then, it started soon after we stopped talking. And it still continues til this day. Just last night, I dreamed about you, and I knew I’d need to write this shit all out before I could finally sleep again.  I have all sorts of dreams about you. I have dreams where I’ve forgotten that you aren’t in my life anymore, and things are how they used to be. I have other dreams where we reconnect. Where you tell me all the new things happening in your life, and I tell you about mine.  Waking up from those ones hurts worse for some reason. If you remember much about me, you probably remember that I always tried to be a rational person. Someone who didn’t believe in magic or mysticism. But the truth is, I always had superstitions, especially about dreams. I know it’s stupid, but I felt like we had a psychic link or something in our dreams. I sometimes wondered if you were calling for me, but I know that was just wishful thinking.  I know it’s impossible, but I sometimes wonder if we share the same dreams. If the you in my dreams is really you.  These dreams feel so different than normal dreams. They feel real, like another reality. Sometimes they feel more real than my true reality, and I’m not able to tell what’s real and what’s a dream. I wake up from these dreams in a cold sweat and a sinking feeling in my chest. My heart beats so hard I can actually see movement under my ribs. It feels like something is draining the life out of me whenever I wake up from these dreams. I think you probably know what this feeling is now. You feel it too right? I know I’m not the one in your dreams though, and I’m sorry. I wish I was. I know that it would make a big difference for you to hear something like this from them, and I wish I had the power to make you happy like that, but I don’t. My mental health has improved a lot, believe it or not. I’ve been in therapy and I’m on medication. I don’t drink anymore, (though I guess I didn’t when you knew me either) I no longer associate with diet-Nazi douchebags. I’m much more involved politically. I’m not as nihilistic as I was when you knew me, I care about the world and I want to try to help protect it. By all accounts, I should be happier. I’ve improved my life, I’m not lonely. But I still feel empty without you in my life. I was never an angel. I know that. I’m sure I’m still not. I was controlling, I had such a bad temper. I said so many awful things to you in the heat of the moment that I didn’t mean. I have so many regrets and I’d do literally anything to go back and change it all. I know you aren’t an angel either. You are flawed, just as I am. I do not put you on a pedestal. But I do not believe those flaws define you. I love you for all that you are, flaws and all. I spent so long directing my anger at you. I thought I wanted you to hurt, the way I had been hurting. But seeing you now, so sad and broken, feeling so many of the things I felt and still feel, all I wanted was to hug you and tell you everything would be okay. Despite everything, all the ways you hurt me, I love you and I hate seeing you in pain. I would give anything to make it all better, I’m sorry I can’t. I wish I had to power to heal your broken heart. I wish you didn’t hate me so much, because I want to be there for you as a friend. I don’t want you to feel alone or unloved ever. I miss being able to talk to you about your hobbies. I wish we could talk about the new season of My Hero Academia, or Nier Automata, which I was so happy to hear you liked as much as I did. Sometimes I check your blog and I see things you post that make me smile and laugh. It reminds me of how we used to stay up late at night laughing at stock images and inside jokes about bikes, and I miss laughing with you like that so badly. I know you will probably never forgive me. I don’t forgive me for fucking up as bad as I did. But for what it’s worth, I forgive you, for any pain you caused me. I started typing this at 4am because I couldn’t sleep. It is now 4:10pm. I have not slept or eaten in that span of time and my mind is a complete blur. I don’t know if anything I say is making sense, and I’m sorry.  I know I probably spent all this time for nothing and this is all just gonna fall on deaf ears. I know you hate me, I know you don’t trust me. But I need to say this now because I could die any day and I don’t want to die without you knowing how I really felt. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me. I don’t expect or want for you to come crawling back. I don’t expect you to even believe me, as badly as I want you to. I don’t even expect you to read all of this. I bet if I told you all this to you in person, you’d roll your eyes and laugh in my fucking face.  But if you take anything from this at all, let it be this; I meant it every time I told you I loved you. I meant it every time I told you you were the most beautiful girl in the world and the only one I want. And I am so, so sorry for ever hurting you. I really do love you from the very bottom of my heart. I did then, and I still do now. I’m sorry I did such a shitty job of showing it. And I know you don’t love me back anymore, and that you don’t dream of me, or stay awake late at night thinking of me like I do of you. But I will always love you. You were my whole world. I want you to know that. I want you to know it wasn’t a lie or a trick. I want you to know it isn’t me trying to make you feel bad for me. I just want you to know that I meant every word of it. No matter how much happens, and how much time passes, you will always hold the most important place in my heart. I’m so sorry I couldn’t do a better job of showing you how much I loved you back when I had a chance. And I really truly hope that someday, you find someone who treats you as well as you deserve, as well as I wish I treated you. Please know that I will never stop loving you or caring for you. I hope one day, we can meet again. Maybe in the next life. Until then, I’ll just have to wait until I see you again in my next dream.