coconutsnatch

[coconutsnatch]

08.10.17 I want you to hold on to things that you said

Ok so the aubergine wasn’t exactly top quality but the ratatouille was still pretty damn good. I dunno what’s wrong with me though, it’s so hard to orgasm these days. Like even by myself, with porn! Maybe it’s something to do with meth because now that I think about it, it was never that easy before I was on meth and then the whole time while I was on meth it was SUPER EASY. I do miss the sex on meth. That was quite something. Anyway, I like the viking a lot and it was fab fucking him and sleeping in his arms, but I dunno... I guess I just need some time to figure out who I am right now and come out of my little shell before I can really be emotionally available. I won’t even pretend I’m over DVF or that I don’t count the days until he’s released. I wonder what he’ll say to me when he gets out. I think about him every day and ponder about what I’ll say to him. Oh, and also, unlike the chemist, the viking did not: a) Look between my legs and ask: “What is that?” b) Complain about my snoring or coughing. c) Move away from me after kissing me goodnight because he’s not a “cuddly sleeper” d) Ask me if I have aids/herpes He did, however: a) Hold me all night b) Give me a wicked massage c)Let me smoke to my heart’s content at his place d) Say I look like a young goddess e) Promise to sort me out an electric guitar f) Walk me to the tram stop again Boyfriend material or not, the viking is a keeper. Another thing that was interesting was that at some point, he was like: “Come on now, there’s got to be a downside to you! What’s the catch?” I was like: “Ummm, I dunno, I’m sure I have downsides... it depends what you consider a problem... “ “Well, you do smoke a lot but I don’t care, I think it’s sexy.” That was fucking cute. Oh and he also made a point of taking a minute just to appreciate my tits in detail. He was like: “Wow, you have amazing tits. They’re big but they don’t hang or sag at all, they’re all bouncy and perky and those nipples...!” Maybe I should’ve put on some false modesty at this point, but I was like: “Yeah thank you, I also think they’re pretty great to be honest, I love em.” He also praised my blowjob skills in detail, saying that I look amazing while sucking dick and that it’s the best head he ever got. Well, good! Because the other day I actually practiced. Yep. First I googled: “How to look good while giving a blowjob” but all the results I got were just standard blowjob tips and I didn’t need those. So then I changed the search to: “How to make your face look good while sucking dick” but I still didn’t find any worthy advice. I thought, fuck the internet, and decided to take things into my own hands, went and bought a bunch of bananas and deepthroated one in front of the mirror. Even the chemist actually made a point of telling me I suck a mean dick, hell, even Mr Pretty 25-year-old sort of said something like that, but of course being the insecure dickweevil that he is, he just said something like: “Wow... that was... wow...” Man, I’ve sucked a lot of dicks this past month. You go girl. I like sucking dick, OBVIOUSLY. And I gotta say, as much as I enjoyed riding DVF’s dick, it is a pleasant change not to look up into the eyes of a cold-blooded reptile while giving head. Man, that’s harsh. I don’t really think that’s what he is. Not deep down inside, at least. There’s just a middle layer that’s pretty dead and cold. He’s like a scotch egg with liquid mercury between the egg and sausage, or an eclair filled with shrapnel.

[coconutsnatch]

07.10.17 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly...

So Mr Prettyboy can go suck a fuck. Met up with him last night and he’s a total player. I should’ve known from how sweet and lovely and innocent he seemed over chat. If a guy seems like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth, it’s probably because he’s a coldhearted assclown. Nah, he was alright, just too young, too arrogant. He asked me to suck his dick, and while I usually don’t take requests, I did kind of like the audacity of him asking that and I’d never sucked dick by the riverside in the moonlight. It was a full moon. He made me gag once and he came quite fast. I was happy with what I’d done, even though he clearly wasn’t boyfriend material. Then he asked me to do it again! At this point I was like “I dunno… “ and he assured me that he wouldn’t take very long. Ok, so I did it. It’s not that I didn’t want to, I just didn’t really want to, if you get me. And that’s a major red flag, if you find yourself doing shit you only sort of want to, per request. It means someone is perfectly fine with abusing your good nature, or like, exploiting it. The thing is, I wouldn’t have felt any better about it if I had refused, it was just wack of him to ask in the first place, but hey, you teach people how to treat you, and if he asked once and I did it, I can’t really blame him for asking again. But I also don’t blame myself for doing it because it was fun, and I think I’ll even fuck him one time because the way he was playing with my pussy seemed promising. I reckon he’d be a pretty good fuck, better than the chemist, and remember what I said about young vs old dick? This guy is 25 and his dick is comparatively hard. Anyway, the viking is currently topping my charts right now even though I never expected him to. I reckon there’s a valuable lesson to be learned about people in real life vs. their online personas. I thought the viking had issues because he deleted Tinder as soon as we started talking and I was like: oh boy, don’t be idealizing this and getting your hopes up. What do you wanna do? Do you intend to tie me down and own me forever? But it turns out I was just trippin. He just isn’t about all that Tinder dating crap. That’s why he deleted it. He just wants a nice girl to go out with and and hang out with and that’s all he needs for now, and I think that attitude is great. Fuck the game, fuck the players. Also, the viking is the only one of my men who hasn’t said or done anything on any of our dates that made me feel uncomfortable. I felt super comfortable every minute I was with him, no matter where we were. And also, while the chemist and Mr pretty dick boy both didn’t walk me to the tram stop/train station, the viking did, even though it was pouring rain and the stop is across the street from his place. Last night I had to walk like a mile down the river in the pitch darkness all alone just because Prettydick wanted to take the bus and had to go in the opposite direction and it was slightly inconvenient for him to walk with me and then take the tram because he’d have to transfer ONCE. Dickweevil. Meanwhile, the chemist didn’t walk me to the train station even though I had never been to his city before. I made my way alone because he was too lazy because it’s FAR, like two miles at least, and he couldn’t be bothered. Little things like that MATTER. The viking could teach those other two a lesson in that regard. In fact, now that I think about it, the viking has been nothing but exemplary in his gentlemanliness. Taking me out to the cinema and then a bar on our second date, not pushing me at all to stay when I came to his for a spliff afterwards, always walking me to the tram and waiting with me. His flat was IMMACULATE when I came over. He’s a real man, he’s a real gentleman and a fierce warrior (remember, he’s a viking). He’s big and strong and used to be an MMA trainer, but he says that armwrestling me was surprisingly challenging and he likes that. Jeez, I reckon he’s good for me. I’m seeing him later. Third date. We’ll have to check the hardness of the aubergine to see if we can continue this ratatouille.

[coconutsnatch]

MANY MEN MANY MEN MANY MEN MEN MEN

Oh and I never listed all the guys I want in my menagerie.

1. Chubby & self-conscious

2. Smart & dreamy/handsome & charming

3. Dumb but has lots of money

4. Buff and sexy - actually scratch that, had one, he bored the shit outta me.

5. Masculine, brooding and moody.

6. Skinny and nerdy.

7. Extroverted & dramatic.

8. Fierce, strong and tough.

[coconutsnatch]

MY CURRENT TINDER MENAGERIE

1. THE CHEMIST, no HEISENBERG (or Mr White?) - Doctor of chemistry but unfortunately not the love doctor (with the magic stick) 2. THE VIKING - viking-looking confident dude who almost definitely has underlying emotional issues. 3. SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE - Syrian refugee businessman 4. KALEN 2+ (ohhhh shit) - Stukkateur, well-travelled, hippie-looking dude who kind of reminds me of Kalen and has a wicked sense of humor. 5. HIP HOP - From Bochum, studies philosophy, says he IS hip hop. 6. PRETTYFACE - Super good-looking, could fill the position for brooding and masculine dude but he’s sweet & lovely & polite. Meeting him soon! Now I’m wondering whether I’m not damning my future relationships by giving all the guys I’m dating nicknames and collecting em like my little ponies. Meh, It’ll work out if they’re worth it and this can all become a scandal later once they find my diary. If they read it - which they shouldn’t, but I always somehow hope they do. Maybe that has something to do with my inability to ask for what I want, or maybe my lack of self-acceptance. I’d like to think a mature adult shouldn’t have all these scandalous, dramatic secrets. Well, I may have a ways to go, but I’m working on it, really! PS: Is it bad that I wanna fuck refugees especially?

[coconutsnatch]

04.10.17 I guess all drifters end up here...

It’s the end of week 3 and I have learned many lessons.

1. You really don’t get anything unless you ask for it explicitly. I don’t know if it’s growing up or what it is, but I just feel like in the past stuff always just sort of happened and I didn’t have to ask for it really. *Something* always happened. Oh I know! It must be the difference between knowing what you want and not knowing what you want. Ok so I know what I want. Now I just have to work on getting it, and that means asking for it or making it happen. Asking for what you want is really hard. It’s good to watch what men do, because they’re often better at it than women, but then again, they mostly don’t know what they want or are wrong about it. Nobody knows what they want all the time. That’s the beauty of life and experiencing things, I think. When you’re young you don’t know what you want because you haven’t experienced enough things yet, as you get older you get an idea. I take back what I said - I don’t know what I want and I don’t think I need to. But I know now what I don’t want and maybe that’s what’s important. 2. Guys’ dicks just aren’t as hard as they used to be. Again, I don’t know if this is aging or what, but I’ve noticed this. Maybe they’re all addicted to internet porn (like I was for YEARS). I guess I’m not as wet as I used to be, BUT I blame that on the soft dicks. You gotta give it to him, DVF has *that good dick*. Too bad it’s attached to such a disappointing person. He hasn’t replied to my letter of course, but anyway, back to the point... 3. This isn’t as much a lesson/observation as it is a minor freak out. So when I fucked the chemist, he actually looked between my legs and asked me: “What is that?” Omg, years ago I would’ve been mortified but these days I value honesty and directness, and especially curiosity. So I told him it’s a hymenal remnant and that was all fine, until he asked me: “Are you sure it’s not herpes?” HERPES?! ARE YOU SURE YOU’VE SEEN A VAGINA BEFORE? Jeez, I know why I wasn’t very wet. But yeah, I wanna get that thing removed now. I don’t give a fuck but it’s getting in the way of sexytime. The hymen - a literal cock block, LMAO the irony. I had always hoped it would rip off in some kind of a second losing of my virginity, and then whoever did it could feel like a big man, but nah, it’s probably safer just to have it dealt with. But I’ll certainly tell that story to any lovers I have in the meantime. I’m still young enough to do the whole “Innocent schoolgirl groped on train” thing, as I call it. You know, appealing to your supposed youth and innocence in a coy, slutty kinda way, even though you ain’t foolin nobody. 4. Speaking of which, how much of a trip is it to nearly be 30?! I feel like if I wanna have babies I need to find a baby daddy or husband or something but I feel like that attitude attracts the wrong sort of men (and clearly I’m only after “the aubergine” as I like to call it) Damn, what if I never have babies? That would suck gigantic donkey balls, I’d be the best mama ever, EVER! Kids love me, I love kids. I have to have em. Preferably before I’m 30 but that ain’t never gonna happen. Oh well, I’m making a fuss about nothing, my mom had me at 31. I mean shit, I feel like I still got my whole life to live, but then again, I also feel like kids could be included in that. I’m done with drugs and... well, I’m not done with sex OR rock n roll so...

[coconutsnatch]

21.09.17 I’M TALKING DIRTY!

No, I don’t think you understand, I never liked that and I was never able to do it, I just couldn’t, I wasn’t confident enough when I was younger, and then when I was finally able to do it a TINY LITTLE BIT in my early 20′s, that didn’t last once I started my whole shit with DVF of course. My confidence went way back down again. Man, I just can’t believe how fast this is all happening. Thank God I’m as impulsive as I am... it seems like a catastrophic trait to have, but it turns out that in some ways it’s really good to be so fucking fast to do everything! I guess it must mean you also bounce back at the speed of light.

[coconutsnatch]

20.09.17 Got me spread like a buffet, bon appetit baybay

Dude, a Katy Perry headline? Yeah I know, it’s fucking crazy but I’ve come to like her. DON’T ASK. Just don’t ask dude. I. AM. SO. FUCKING. HAPPY. So I’ve been back home for exactly 10 days and my whole outlook on life has already turned around. I’ve been off meth this entire time and it’s GREAT! 2 days ago I finally really got my energy back and let me tell you, it is BACK! Last night I was so excited I hardly slept because: 1. I’ve been talking to this guy on WhatsApp, I mean, I met him on Tinder but OMG, I have such hardcore butterflies for this dude. He’s a metalhead and super, super smart, like DVF, but he’s not like him at all. He’s never done hard drugs before and seems quite innocent, he’s just a total nerd. Got his doctorate in chemistry and he’s just awesome. I love his direct way of speaking and his confidence yet lack of arrogance. Agh, I’m just kind of crushing hard on this dude. I’m meeting him Sunday night for drinks and OMG, I’m so EXCITED! Like, if we don’t get along or something that’s ok, I won’t be heartbroken or anything, but idk, I have a really good feeling about this. I even fantasized about fucking him last night aaaaahhhh I’m so excited! I know I’m crazy and always taking everything way too fast but whatever! I’m happy! 2. I can’t believe how fast this has happened but I pretty much have all my confidence back! It’s so crazy to think that for the past years I was incapable of anything but the most basic tasks. Anything MILDLY challenging I was scared of, and by that I mean shit like socializing, making phone calls, going to the fucking post office or whatever, it all scared me! But I’m so much better now and I can tell because I’m like totally happy to speak German even though I’m out of practice and always trying to remember the right words and stuff. I went to the town hall yesterday to get a new ID card - a task that would’ve seemed insurmountable to me 2 weeks ago (I know it sounds silly, but even admitting to this gives me a feeling of confidence) I wrote a long letter to DVF and sent it to him, I made phone calls and dealt with all sorts of shit and sorted all sorts of shit out, like booking viewings for flats here. And what I’m most proud of is this: For the past few years I was pretty much terrified of sending audio messages on WhatsApp. I know it sounds crazy and totally banal, but it really gave me serious nerves, I could never have sent one to a guy I like, especially not in GERMAN, telling him I need a doctor of chemistry in my life! OMG! But guess what, last night I did just that! I’m quite proud of myself, not gonna lie. I’ve come a long way from the wreck I was only a few weeks ago. I mean, the first entry in this diary, how hopeless was I?! My, how things have changed! 3. I think I’ve found my DREAM apartment, it’s right on Rudolfplatz, which was always my favorite Platz in Cologne for SOME MYSTERIOUS REASON! (Blatantly serendipity... kismet... fate... IT WAS WRITTEN in the book of life!) And it’s just perfect; the perfect price, the perfect size and style. It’s got super high ceilings, a glass door and like this cubby hole right underneath the ceiling for storage and chessboard tiles in the bathroom. I’m in love. My mom thinks it’s too good to be true and probably a scam but I don’t think so and even if it is, at least it’s got me even more excited about finding my own apartment here. SQUEEEEEEE!!! 4. I’m chatting to a whole bunch of guys on Tinder and I LOVE IT! Man, I was so disheartened about meeting new dudes, I really thought I’d never feel like I felt about DVF about anyone else but NO, I feel BETTER! I’m not being crazy this time, not judging books by their covers or falling in love with strangers on the basis of their pics and a few sentences in their profile, I’m not getting ahead of myself and idealizing them as if they were Gods among men, no, I’m checking out my options and focusing on the quality of conversation, not getting swept away by charm and superficial appeal and dreaming up all this bullshit like omg, we’re meant for each other because he said so and he’s a bad boy with a checkered past and all that BS. No, I’m focusing on how they treat me, how down to earth and sensible and mature they are, FOR ONCE! I think when I met DVF I was telling myself I was doing the right thing in going after him because he seemed so perfect, so out of my league, when I had always gone for “easy prey” in the past, but I think that in reality I was STILL trying to make things easy for myself because when he told me he was addicted to crystal meth and had been in prison for 5 years, I was OVERJOYED. I was like, SCORE! Isn’t that the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard? How blatantly is that a sign of my incredibly low self-esteem?! That was the bed I made, the shitty, insecure, anxious and abusive bed I laid in for three years. No thanks! I’m so done with that life! Now I want a nice guy, a nice apartment. to make good money, work hard etc. (I even feel like working these days, can you believe it?!) I think that meeting and being involved with DVF was actually sort of good for me, he was like my ghost of Christmas future and showed me what a miserable, pathetic life you end up with if you have all this hubris, like his fear of mediocrity, which I used to have too - wanting everything to be a big, passionate adventure and thinking you’re too special or something to live an average life. I recently had an epiphany that in order to achieve real greatness you need to EMBRACE your own mediocrity! Hows that for maturity?! Hahaha I’m so crazy and happy and excited. Life is good again!

[coconutsnatch]

07.09.17 In my dreams I’m dying all the time

I did it again. I fucked up again. This is the third flight home I’ve missed, and this time I really didn’t want to. I want to go home so bad, everything here is absolutely terrible. The building is crawling with fleas, I’m constantly picking them off myself, 5-6 on my feet/ankles at any given moment. It’s totally out of control. I have nothing - no money, no phone, no internet access and worst of all, no friends. I’m so fucking alone. I’ve been completely alone the entire three weeks that DVF has been in jail. That’s the real killer, nevermind the poverty & squalor, life is impossible when you have no-one. And now I’ve fucked things up with my family. Really, really bad. When I missed the last flight they already said they were basically giving up on me. My family is all I have at this point, without their help I’d literally be dying in the gutter. I’m so scared they’ll give up on me for good now. I’m so scared that this was the last straw. I’m going to beg my mother to book me another flight. One last chance. I need to get out of here, it’s literally killing me. The last two flights I missed because of apathy, anxiety, failure to act, inability to function, but this last one, the third flight I missed, this was different. I really, really tried my hardest. I’m also noticing, or rather, realizing, the extremely sinister nature of my addiction. I feel I am dependent on the shit to be able to function at all, but when I do it, I can’t function... I don’t function. I try and try but I just get more and more anxious, losing myself and weeks upon weeks of my life to obsessive compulsive actions. Sometimes I feel like I’m beyond help, beyond hope. Does anyone really snap back from this sort of state? From being addicted to meth and losing everything to an abusive relationship and drugs over the course of three years? It’s more than three years, if I’m honest. My whole life I’ve been like this. I’ve actually never been ok, have never been doing well, only it’s never reached this unfathomable level of disaster before. I don’t think there’s anyone who’s ever thrown away as much potential and missed as many opportunities as I have. It’s absurd. Why should anyone even give me another chance? Then again, I know that hating myself is not the answer. That’s what got me here to begin with. Low self-worth, low self-esteem. Shame. No self-acceptance. I failed to grow up. It’s not that I wasn’t raised, that doesn’t matter anyway. The fact of the matter is, I’m 27 and I have completely failed at growing up. Growing up means going from self-absorbed to self-aware, self-conscious to self-confident, self-satisfaction becomes self-esteem, self-righteousness becomes self-respect. I haven’t figured all that out yet. It’s not that I’m totally useless and unpleasant and unbearable - just a waste of space. No, it’s worse, because I really should be ok, I should be able to grow, but I haven’t figured out yet what really MATTERS in life, I’m just a sick baby crying for love and attention but I’m too scared to accept it.