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Robert Lax, Red Blue, Drawings and design by Emil Antonucci, Journeyman Press, New York, NY, 1976 [International Collection of Concrete and Visual Poetry, Granary Books, New York, NY]

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A) I need a job in London that can sustain me

B) I need to be stronger on my mental health battle

C) I should cling closer to God and his word

D) I need a break from relationship drama

E) I need to stop lying to myself. I cannot keep convincing myself that I am in love, or this is the love I deserve.

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emma leger

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23 days before leaving to London. 

So many things to do, so little time. So little bandwidth.

I wish I could help more with mama and gong gong. But it is so difficult to manage unreasonable adults, especially when it’s your own grandparents. It is the perpetuation of unhealthy immature behaviours that have led to this really terrible situation. How people plan to live out the last few years of their life... Are you really loving them by allowing them to be? Or loving them wrong if you are over-controlling to the point of dictatorship? What scary scenarios can pan out.

Today I have been thinking about how there is a lot more I need to learn and grow in life. Why am I so terrified of applying for jobs and growing up? I do know that I will enjoy working...so why is it so tough to make the first step? Does everyone struggle with the validation of being good enough and capable enough for the job?

Failure.. is such a tough topic to speak about. Money too.

I wonder when I would feel secure enough to speak openly about these things. To invite my friends over to my house, to not be ashamed of my address and how much I don’t have.

Social economic status is less obvious when viewing the way you dress and the food you eat. But it can be seen in your expenses, having a car.. the type of car you have.. how often you shop branded goods. Your travel destinations.. and how frequent you travel.. Your postal code and investments. Things that I am taught to not care about. But it does matter to a certain extent, and I hope that I won’t be so insecure about what I do not have. Because the pursuit of these superficial things will only bring temporary happiness and probably end in misery or dissatisfaction. 

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Am I being overdramatic? 

Is it possible to be friends? How easy it is for you to decide to stop feeling entirely. I don’t know what to expect anymore. Sometimes time isn’t enough, time rides over and just eases the emotions. But growing requires strength to accept and change old habits and choices. 

I am excited to return to London. To visit Kenneth and to make new friends and welcome in new opportunities and ... challenges! I want to be challenged and I want to grow. God please guide me. 

x

Rebekah

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What a crazy situation I have just gone through this week. I should not have ignored all the red flags... and stayed away from this monster.

I think Aer is right, I am attracted to toxic situations. Toxic people. Why? I think it is because I see so much of myself in them, the ability to be so sinful and so lost despite trying to be good. In this fallen world, we are all struggling, but I seem to keep going off-course because I search for the wrong things. I choose to see the best/ or even get duped into the  false ‘impression’ that people put up. Wow, the moment he made fun of the antichrist, I should have just straight up left. Or the 2 days when he didn’t text back, I should have just LEFT. Because it was the 2 days he was with his girlfriend. I feel like such a fool. And for him to say- you shouldn’t feel stupid. THE HELL?! I don’t actually want to dedicate a post to this person, because it’s so appalling and traumatising that I just want to move on from it for now. I have already spoken about it multiple times over the past few days... even to Mehan?! So I should just focus on myself now. 

How and where do I even start?

Steps that I need to adhere to -

Stop checking up on him on social media

Stop messaging him

Stop replying

Delete old conversations

Delete his contact ( I think I am not ready for it right now, but I will be in a few days)

I need to surround myself with happy and productive thoughts and activities. My back is acting up again, I shall take my vitamins and exercise tomorrow. 

I will speak to David, get that extension and power through with my work.

- Finish up trouser by attaching the lining (Mon)

- Cut jacket pieces (Mon)

- Reaccess sketchbook pages -- do in another room (Mon)

- Drape weave and design another top (Tues)

But honestly, what a shame. I think I went into this with the best intentions to make genuine connections, and just unfortunately met with the biggest asshole- narcissist and pathological liar. I do not think anything was real. Even if there were moments where we had a real connection, everything is immediately irrelevant because of the circumstances we were having those conversations, and the intentions behind those conversations... He was just lonely, seeking out attention from anyone. And that person happened to be me. Well, like I said multiple times, even to him- you messed with the wrong girl. 

But yeah. The sweetest revenge is to be happy by myself. I just hope I stick to it, because I know it is true. I need my head and my heart to match up. 

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By Harley Weir

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I want to do up my fyp portfolio pages as a journalistic type format. With modern christian symbols. To showcase my story without focusing on myself.

Just spitting out ideas today that I thought about on the train. David said to include a signature throughout the pages... he suggested the painted swirls. Hmmm not exactly my initial plan, but I guess due to the time crunch if I don’t think of anything else, THAT might be it. 

Image inspo- purple cake, products with hand /palm symbols, sleek hair dos... 

Think of how to create Artsthread video - shoot with leon? Someone else? How can I gain more exposure for the collection. 

I’m going all over the place. The past few days I finally opened my planner and started jotting down appointments and deadlines again. This avoidance depressive moods I’ve been in are so destructive. I am so far behind, and its as if I have not actually put in even 20 % effort into designing this collection. So close to wanting a redo. I’m not ready to graduate. Who is going to hire me. :(

God please have mercy and bless me with the strength to finish this, and to wake up.

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How am I feeling?

I have not been journalling which has been problematic. My thoughts filtered/unfiltered are not being rationalised. I foresee some emotional breakdown in the near future if I do not try to sort them out soon.

I think I can categorise how I have been according to two state of minds- 

Anxious and Avoidant

I am anxious about my uni work, external competitions and creating work opportunities for myself.

I am anxious about growing up and being independent, and making something of myself in this world. 

I am anxious because I am not ‘happy’, not contented with where I am right now in this stage of my life. I want to be more beautiful, more sure of myself, more intelligent and more energetic. This in itself is problematic, because I cannot change certain things about myself, and the other aspects that I should be bettering, are neglected due to ignorance/laziness/my own sin?

Louise says I should be less harsh on myself, to accept my failures and weaknesses and shortcomings. But to accept them does not mean to accept defeat and give up on bettering myself. I think there has always been an external push required for me to shoot for the stars and get actionable. I refuse to view covid as a reason for my slowing down, my mental health etc. I have been so privilege in Singapore and in my position in life ( family and opportunities) to not have to suffer and go hungry or worry about my safety. To then use covid as an excuse for not handing in my work on time or lack of quality of work is just insanity. As weird as it sounds, I do need to be harder on myself, I need to start hitting my deadlines, I need to not turn away opportunities to grow and learn. I want to be better, and simply wanting to be better is not enough. 

Constantly feeling fatigue could be a symptom of my avoidant behaviour. This sickening feeling that I love sleeping and love the silence rest gives me, is just horrible. Yes rest is important, and I should enjoy my downtime and letting my body recover. But what am I avoiding? Failure, success, joy, confrontation...anger? I worry about worrying.. I lose myself in thoughts that will never be realised due to my own incompetence. Incompetent- one of my least favourite words. But how have I proved myself? How far has her business grown and her personal life flourished ( on the surface) compared to me? The past few years of my life has been an odd blur. I am not sure if this is due to the adjustment of singleness. and largely associating memories and experiences with my relationships???  What about myself, my own thoughts, my own hopes and experiences as an individual? Why does it seem like I have not learnt anything or been through anything worth looking back in joy? It is as if I am just going through the motions of life...waiting for something or someone to pick me up and give me this happiness that I so long for. 

I have loved. I have been infatuated. I have been lonely. Given a choice, I don’t think I would have changed anything. But now I am aware that lots of my words, actions and behaviour in my romantic relationships have been very toxic. I am emotionally abusive, physically abusive to my partner during fights, because I cannot contain my feelings. I want things to go my way, I want to be the centre of the other person’s world just like they are mine. How awful it is, to feel unlovable, to be the one in the wrong. 

So many issues. So little time to fix them.

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Memories and thoughts age, just as people do. But certain thoughts can never age, and certain memories can never fade.

— Haruki Murakami

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Today was the first session with louise that I feel she’s actually trying to help me by unpacking my past and experiences. Wonder how this will all pan out long term. I need to write down my long term and short term goals... again

I wonder if I’ll ever not feel alone

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My mind is so exhausted. So weak