coolb944

[coolb944]

The Balance Between Selfishness and Selflessness

I'm not going to lie... This balance is a hard one for me to walk sometimes. Ok... Maybe a little more than sometimes. I grew up an only child with no brothers or sisters I had to share with, loved greatly by my parents and extended family. My parents were poor when I was born, but managed to attain upper middle class comfort by the time I went to college, which I did not pay for - they did. I certainly never would have known we were poor growing up, as nothing at the time made me feel that way. Looking back now I can see the signs... "Do you take American Express" became my pre-qualifying mantra anytime I went out to eat with my parents and my grandma, as that's the credit card my grandma had, and she took us to eat often. No American Express, we didn't eat there. At the time, however, the reason we were using my grandmother's credit card so much to eat never entered my mind. I went to private school from 3rd-12th grade. I got exactly what I wanted for Christmas almost always, as well as my birthday, and when I got my first car, my parents paid for it - a Guards Red with linen leather interior 1986 Porsche 944 automatic that was a salvage title, which I argued and pushed for on the basis of gas mileage, value because of the salvage title, relative slowness, and great safety Porsche engineered into the car (it did in fact prove its safety at one point down the road). They paid for the next several cars I had too.

So, as you can see, in so many ways, life was not bad; my childhood into adulthood was rather great by most standards. It also made the bad aspects stand out hard. I was bullied and teased a lot as a kid, by my cousins and the kids at school. My father had deep anger management issues, making him very intimidating and causing me to never feel very close to him. My mother was over protective, which ended up isolating me from many things that may have otherwise given me more courage and self-esteem, as well as a greater apprehension in the way I approached certain aspects of life. I knew I was gay by the time I hit middle school, even if I didn't know the term for it. My parents, heaping their hopes and dreams on me for me (and for themselves in ways - my mother so loves children and dreamed of holding newborn grandchildren), and being very strict about how I should present myself to the world, down to what I wore, how I talked, how I walked, pushing me to try sports, while in certain ways children need, it all placed great expectation I never felt I would ever meet. The criticism, the opinions, the comments, they were constant. When they found out I was gay, I was sent to a Catholic therapist whose goal, at base, was to convert me to being straight, or as close he could get me. I ended up living a lie for a while after that, taking on a girlfriend whose heart I broke once I moved for college. I broke up with her, knowing I would cheat if I didn't.

The bad is what ended up diminishing my self-esteem and causing intense self-doubt, and which led me to be afraid of pursuing my life the way I wanted to. This all brought depression, which was, coupled with sudden, unexpected deaths around me, especially that of my dad when I was 18, magnified for me and made me see nothing in the future but sadness, loneliness, emptiness - True Hell. I allowed the depression and all it brought to win, and it has wrought havoc in my life that I'm just starting to pick the pieces up from. Alcohol and drug abuse; incredibly risky, bountiful sex; wrecked credit and over-spending. Repeatedly. Bad. Decision. Making!

Now, in my sobriety, having broken from the behavior cycle the alcohol and drugs, especially meth, had me trapped in (daily they still sing their siren song from deep and long in my memory), I've gained enough reprieve and time to reflect on my behavior to learn how to cope with the selfish tendencies my upbringing and my life experience can often cause me to lean toward.

Yesterday, for example, my mother stayed home from work sick, and not having a car, relies on me to help her when need be with what she needs from outside the house. Mind you, after destroying what independence I'd built for myself, I'm extremely grateful she and my aunt have allowed me to come live with them. But despite this incredibly gracious act, the little things of daily life can still creep up on me.

I'd had a plan for my day, which was entirely smashed by my mom needing more assistance than usual because of her being ill. I helped her with all she requested, but I had a very difficult time shaking the feeling of losing the day and being upset about it, which came out very pointedly in my interactions with her. The feeling of loss of control of my time was made even more stinging by the fact that when I finally was able to work, I worked Uber all the way up from the South Bay to Santa Monica and back, and didn't get a single ride the entire time.

I concluded the day chalking it all up to the fact that some days are not ours, and they weren't ever going to be. That is the realization that has continued to resonate with me today. I've apologized to my mom, and I'm realizing, once again, that each day is a crap shoot, and that I need to remember to handle it all with grace and serenity. I also need to accept that if the signs are saying it isn't my day, accept that it isn't, and celebrate the positives of what has made it not my day. In that way, I make it my day again.

The fact that I have the means to be selfless, to help, to be the kind of guy people can rely on, is something to celebrate. I wasn't always that guy, and I often didn't have the means to be. Because Uber was dead, I went home and watched a funny movie and had a night off. It's really the laugh and kind of night I needed and didn't even know it. Mind you, I'm a touch panicked today because of expenses versus money I need to make, but provided I do what I need to with my time, it will all work out.

One day at a time, working consistently towards my goals, keeping my attitude where it needs to be, in the middle, balancing it all. And that's really where true happiness lies, balancing selfish and selfless. Fact is, they both will add up to happiness if one balances the two. Lean too hard to either side, and unhappiness wreaks havoc. Don't let unhappiness win... Ever!

[coolb944]

So why me? And why now?

First off, if you are reading this... Thank you!!! I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read anything I've written. Being able to speak to and touch others in some way with my words hasn't always been top of mind though, despite getting a BA in Journalism with a minor in Communications Studies. Weird, right?

I really looked at writing and journalism as tools to get me to what I really wanted to do with my life - drive cars of all types and look at them critically for what they succeed at and where they could use some improvement, because, well, I LOVE cars. Interestingly enough, I chose writing as the tool to reach my goal because I excelled in my English classes from 4th grade on up, eventually making my way into Honors in high school and passing two English AP tests; however, this wasn't always so. I needed Hooked On Phonics as a kid because I just wasn't grasping English in all its complexity. Who could blame me though... English has so many exceptions to so many rules! I'm so glad that my dad took the time to help me get through it though, as Hooked On Phonics ended up leading me to what would ultimately become my greatest form of expression.

I've been complimented on my writing abilities over the years by many people and through scholastic success and commensurate acknowledgement, but I've had a deep insecurity of self that has kept me from sharing it in any great, highly visible capacity. However, if there's anything the past two years of my life has taught me - and really, every day up until the present - it's that if there's something you're good at, don't be afraid to share it with the world. Don't let insecurity win. DON'T!!! Fight it every way you can. Otherwise, you will cheat the world out of seeing you for who you are, and you will cheat yourself out of the opportunity to shine. You also never know what someone may see in you that you never noticed before, or who may be touched by something you share of yourself, and what difference it makes to them and how they see you and/or the world.

That right there, what I just wrote above, is exactly WHY NOW, and WHY ME. After speaking with people about what I had previously written publicly on my old Facebook, bolstered by the courage, emotion, and conviction that meth gave me, as well as in a previous Tumblr blog I started earlier in my recovery, and what I've been through since, I received several comments of "Damn Brad, you can WRITE!", as well as encouragement to share my story, because, to be honest, it has been... interesting... and to see where I am from where I have been is really pretty incredible. To think that just four and half months ago I was still deep in a meth-induced psychosis, penniless, homeless, and locked in a mental hospital for threatening the cops because I thought I was God, Lucifer, the Christ, and the Antichrist, and now... Well, now I'm peacefully writing this blog post with all the honesty and eloquent simplicity I can bring to it, which encapsulates just how far I've come, mentally especially!

I've realized that writing is in and of itself something I love to do, and after many years of writing only because I had to, and because I am skilled at it, not seeing what I could express with it until I became an addict, I do this now because I want to, and because I recognize now that I have something to say that people can take a lot of value from. I truly look forward to sharing of myself with you all through my writing here, and definitely want to hear from you if something I write touches you, positively or negatively. Connecting is really what this is all about anyway. So sit back, relax, dive-in with each post, and I do hope you enjoy this window into who I am ✌🏼❤️😁☀️