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cosmicjourney9 · 5 years

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What I learned from displaying my art for the first time

1. I failed myself. My expectations were too high. I didn't have the right idea of what kind of show I was participating in. The truth was that I was a novelty feature at a student show because I am a primarily self-taught artist. I could only ever handle school part time, at least at this point in my life. The show was mostly for small profits and for family and friends. I had hoped to make money and I didn't. This was unrealistic of me to assume with the level of work that I'm currently making.

- I know very little. I am in the student portion of my time as an artist. I am lucky and grateful to have discovered my vocation which is the first step towards mastery, but I have much to learn-- more than I currently know how to learn. I am happy to be sad about the extent of my talents because if it were not for my insecurity, I would not be learning. The fact that I failed myself today is a good thing: now, I am humbled and more grounded in reality instead of as wrapped up in my own delusions.

- I have a grandiose complex, meaning that I think I need to be famous in order to be happy. I wonder if this has always been part of my neurosis because of my unique name, that because I have this special name, I need to prove myself worthy of being special and thusly, have fame. Not only is this fallacious, but I doubt fame should be any goal because it brings danger with its publicity. Besides, I am unsure that fame is the right thing for me as an individual; I am realizing the superficial nature of wanting fame and am starting to instead crave independent control over establishing the world around me. To be liked surely would mean to make more sales, but to be myself would be to discard concern for being liked because my goal should be to be as consciously one with direct experience, to be as cognizant as possible at any given moment. To worry of other's opinions should only matter as it entails to my survival. Fame would not come with wanting fame, anyway. Fame would come if I was to master my mild natural talents.

- There are no shortcuts. I can spend all of my time copying reference photos and trying to use reference in unique ways, but that will only go so far as the refined skills I have developed. I realize life is very short and I may only achieve few truly unique and masterful projects. I will only be able to achieve those projects if I first go through mastering the fundamentals. I need to get back to the basics. I do think school is a massively helpful way to do this, but I realize this isn't necessary if I decide outright to work harder than a full-time student would. This doesn't defeat my need for a mentor, but I know I can use old masters as mentors as long as I am constantly breaking myself down back to open mindedness and not thinking I've learned enough to necessarily be professional yet.

- It will take me ten years to accomplish mastery and that is with continuing to work as hard as I am possibly able to do. Continuing to work as hard as I am does not necessarily mean I will make money from my work and I need to start making money in other ways to fund my efforts. I cannot assume that people will buy my designs soley because I work hard on my art. Also, while I enjoy my "day job" and hope to be secure there for a few years, I do not make enough money and don't want to constantly have to make money for the time I work-- I want passive income and I need to learn how to make it as much as I need to keep making art. Again, I know nothing but some theory, I have not yet made passive income and I crave it, but the desperation makes me stupid, impatient, and lazily negligent. I've instead focused on trying to exploit my art, but it's not good enough yet. I have made few sales. I have not made any money. It's discouraging. More on this later.

- Ironically, while I am constantly trying to ignore distractions, I am reminded by the show how important support is for artist. No, I do not need fame, but I need people to support me while I struggle to find passive income, or income not indicative of my level of formal education. The people in my life are the most important thing about me. I want most to support my family and to make them proud of me, and to continue my family's strong support system through another generation. I want to be a masterful artist like my mothers and a tradesman like my brother. I want to be a social butterfly like my ancestor. I want to be a traveler, a mother, a cousin, a daughter--I am a servant and I am an artist and I do what I do out of love for my family. I want to grow my family. I want a partner. I must leave the fling I've been over-extending out of insecurity and leave behind my need to seek out a partner. The truth is, I have my eye on someone else, someone who is currently in a long-term serious relationship. All I can do is look. It's not a situation that is safe, either, but it is a situation that would be worth the risk. More on this later.

2. I am very neurotic and I need to overcome this.

- My mother has too much power over me. I need to hiatus from her and from my city after my grandmother dies. This will be a very hard moment in my life and I am anxiously anticipating it. It will be in less than ten years, maybe less than five. My grandma is 90. I do not anticipate me taking her death well. I think I need to prepare now for my own future breaking and then the rebuilding I will have to do after I recover enough.

- I don't need to tell everyone everything about me and I need to learn how to shut up. I think I feel insecure so I think I need to make myself sound cool or deep, but really, it just comes across as nervous, selfish, and pushy. I am not so full of myself that I don't realize this, but I am insecure enough that I ignore it. I am inherently very sad, and always have been. I doubt I will outgrow my nature and it means it is unavoidable. I should seek therapy; the issue is that I am not realizing my blindsides fast enough before I run into something troublesome.

- I should not drink. I should not do drugs besides weed. This is something I make many constant excuses for and I associate with people who make that easy to do. I have to be bigger than my own excuses. I did drink tonight when I said I wouldn't. It was the first night drinking in two weeks. The fact that this is good, is bad, and indicative of my struggle with sober living. Again, I have to force myself to climb back on the wagon and pray I stay on longer this time around.

3. I am growing.

- I recognized a moment when my art philosophy became reality: I have been studying extensively and realized that the most important thing about being an artist, is living an artistically philosophical strategy towards work. This philosophy is a deeply ingrained belief, like following a religion, and I can't briefly explain its depth, but its goal is to work smarter and closer to the source. But here is an instance in which my personal growth was shown: I felt envy towards a student artist because she looked like me and her work was large and mostly autobiographical. We talked some through polite tension. I realized flaw in her work and surely she mine. Her edges were not finished. Her work was rushed and not refined. My work is not large nor particularly original, although the pop art quality of my work suggests it's marketable. My work is extremely refined yet not masterful, and it gets mixed response in view of wow factor and sometimes I like ideas that are mildly disturbing, and I thrive in irony, which decreases the marketability. She said to me, "I couldn't brand myself with my work like you have. I would look silly." I didn't have much of a comeback for this. I retorted, "Hmm, well, I do not brand myself. I am the brand." This conversation did poke my ego, because I am the brand, the brand is me, and I will not separate myself from my work as it must be a brand. I am an autobiographical artist without painting pictures of myself. I paint philosophy, and I want the philosophy to sell. This is a mindset I am cultivating, and I am confident in it--perhaps too much at this point in my career, but that is not bad.

- On a less serious note, I have grown in a social way: when I heard someone standing nearby say something negative about my work to someone else, it was not the fact that it was negative that upset me. It did not upset me because the comment was silly. He said, "I don't like her work. There's too much going on." I thought him very stupid and blatantly neurotic and insecure. I could have ignored this. I could have been passive-aggressive. Instead, I took it upon myself to approach him later and said, "Hey, just some advice, if you're going to talk shit, maybe talk shit where someone can't hear you." He responded, "What? Who did I talk shit about?" I smiled and replied, "It doesn't really matter," and walked away. I defended my sense of awareness without being an asshole and prompted a lesson, although it probably won't be recognized. My work does have a lot going on, and I like it that way. If you don't like it, maybe it's not your style, sure, but maybe you don't understand it. Don't be a dumbass.

In summary, I am made more aware of my own neurosis and egotistical shortcomings. I am humbled, and will keep working, and will look up at the stars, and keep my mouth shut.

I think it best to turn away from social media for a while. I feel consumed by the expectation to be marketable and I am overwhelmed. I need to meditate and contemplate on my work more before acting. I need rest and solitude. In this time, I need to become more financially realistic and pay off my debts and take care of not only my bills, but my body's need for care. I need to go to the dentist, the doctor, a dermatologist... I am spending my money on stuff that doesn't matter and ignoring the important stuff.

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