cottonymushroom

[cottonymushroom]

also. pray today. thats your one task for today. pray.

see if u can do an actual prayer, not just talking to god. u dont need to shower, youre fairly clean. just do wudu and pray. (its ko if u dont, as long as you pray in some way)

[cottonymushroom]

these changes have been so frightening but i have to remember that the reason this year has been so good is because of me. largely, because of me. yes the people helped, the environment helped but the major thread tying it all together was me. i am in control of my life and i have, over and over again, made decisions based on what i want and what i think is best so. things were as good as they were this year because i worked hard for that. i chose the things that made it good. i surrounded myself with good people, i took myself out of bad environments and situations, i dealt with conflict and issues in a way that felt good and right. so no. i am not going to somehow lose all of the good stuff because a lot of change is occurring. i am the common thread. this was my first year fully independent and i will have many more. and i will learn and get better and grow every time and i will continue to make good decisions for myself. 

things may be different but they will still be good. i promise. 

[cottonymushroom]

you are doing it all on your own terms. i know you feel lonely sometimes but please, you are not alone. you never have to be alone. and never forget the joy of being able to do everything on your own terms, to be able to make your own decisions. that is why you chose this. 

you. are. doing. so. good. i am so proud of you. i am so proud of you. i am so proud of you.

[cottonymushroom]

life is still going to be good. i promise. youre doing so good. i love u. i will keep loving you. i can struggle to find that love sometimes but the love is always there. i have gone so long without loving you. you deserve to be loved by yourself. and i do. i love you. i care about you. your life is worth living. i promise. look, the clouds are clearing. look how well youre taking care of yourself. look at that, thats amazing! look how good you do when you care about yourself, when you make decisions for yourself. you aredoing so so so good. you are so capable. you are amazing. you are not useless, you are not incapable of taking care of yourself like you believed, like they made you believe. you are worthy of care and love and loyalty and happiness. 

life is still good. it will continue to be good. i promise i promise i promise

[cottonymushroom]

ok. things haev been really difficult lately because i couldnt be excited for the future. all the changes seemed scary and bad but now i can finally see the good in the changes that are occurring and. i am actually excited for them! it makes it much easier to cope with the difficult stuff

[cottonymushroom]

i got the two jobs i was waiting on!!! and a tailor’s job that i thought was gone bc of lockdown!!!!!

i legit have. three jobs lined up!! omg

[cottonymushroom]

god verbally talking it out is so much more helpful than writing it out. so: truly, honestly, i think the answer is: i dont want to be with you. sure. he loves and wants me when it comes to his actual wants and needs in life, he does not want to be with me. and i need him to acknowledge it and say it to me clearly. because even though he really doesnt want to, he tried not to, he is stringing me along and that is not fair on me. 

i wont be able to trust him. i cant be in a relationship with him, not anytime soon. i cant trust his committment, his desires. hes not the one for me. so i dont know what will happen if he says he does want to be with me. i guess ill decide then but. i know for sure that i need to have this conversation with him.

i did everything right. i hate it here

[cottonymushroom]

ok. i thought i needed him to tell me whether we have a chance or not, or whether he wants to be with me or not. but. i dont even know if i even want to be with him. i dont know i dont know i dont know. i do, of course i do, but im no longer sure about him. not like i was.

so actually. i dont need to know whether he wants to be with me or not. i think i need him to tell me that he doesnt. and that brings a whole other host of issues. bc that means i need to actually move on and i wont be able to do that if we continue as we are.

i dont know. i dont want to shut the door on it completely. but i also dont want whatever this is. i need him to. what do i need from him. what do i need to be sure about? i need to be sure that this is what he needs and/or wants. i need to. i need him to be making a decision here. because right now. its all fucking me. its all me. i said he needs to be single, i said he needs to fix the way he handles things in life, i keep readnig into the things he tells me and extrapolating his emotions from there. 

what do i want? what do i need? bc i cant get back with him. not now. i am so unsure about us, i cant trust him anytime soon. so i think whats bothering me is that he might still view it as a possibility so of course that appeals to some part of me but the rational part knows knows that we cant be together, not anytime soon but i cant actually move bc a) hes still there and b) i dont know if he still wants it or not

im afraid that we cant be close anymore. that im gonna have to tell him he needs to figure himself out bc i cant do this. i cant bestuck in this limbo of wanting and hoping that he becomes the one for me and not even knowing if thats what hes working towards.

[cottonymushroom]

grrr i need something to happen. i feel. stagnant and useless. im waiting for the emails about whether i got the jobs or not. 

ok. i need to occupy myself, i cant just sit here wallowing, it wotn make anything better. make noodles, maybe change into other clothes bc its too warm in here, or open the door a crack. ill be alright

checklist: slept well, havent drank water, havent been outside today, havent eaten, havent been able to talk to anyone

yeah ok no wonder im a little out of sorts. plan: water and food

[cottonymushroom]

i have a feeling that im overly romanticising everything. that im forgetting that i felt the same during that time as i do now. sure it was a little easier, a little better, but i dont think it was that huge. i would still have bad days and bad moments. nothing will be fixed just by being with someone. maybe i should try reduce how much i focus on how much better everything was because i dont think my memory is accurate

[cottonymushroom]

im missing something fundamental and i dont know what to do

[cottonymushroom]

help me

[cottonymushroom]

please im sorry thank you i love you forgive me i didnt mean to i want it please ill beg im sorry

[cottonymushroom]

i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you

please tell me you love me too

[cottonymushroom]

i dont know how to get rid of the thought that ive lost something that was really really good for me. like. i understand that i was never going to have it past those few months, i understand that there was no way i was going to be able to keep it but i just keep feeling like im lettnig something good slip away. something that will make life a million times better

im afraid of holding on to something that never had a chance but im afraid of giving up on something that could become beautiful again

[cottonymushroom]

nothing is ever perfect. u just have to decide whether the good parts are worth the difficult ones. and you are so so so worth the occasional distress. youre my best friend. thank you.

[cottonymushroom]

awful things have happened to me. its been years but they still keep cropping up and affecting me in new ways. i know im being irrational, i know im overreacting to this situation but im not here. im back in one of the hardest things ive ever had to live through and this feels a little too close to that and my body is desperate for it to never happen again. it was. devastating. i am not overreacting. i am living through it again