crackedramblings

[crackedramblings]

Dream from 3.5.24

I remember a couple of scenes. First, Mom was driving me somewhere. Home, presumably. And yet it wasn't mom, it was her clone. She had cloned herself and trusted the clone to drive her around (Mom is not supposed to drive IRL due to a variety of medical reasons). So I'm sitting in the backseat and listening to her explain why she got this clone. I'm bemused but not altogether stunned. It was just a feeling of "Huh, that's interesting."

The next part I remember very clearly. We're at our destination. I'm singing loudly, really belting it. The song goes like this:

Why do the birds go on singing? Why do the stars glow above? Don't they know it's the end of the world? It ended when I lost your love

I remember I kept joyously singing "it's the end of the world" in my dreams. Like I was a pro singer or something. No restraint.

[crackedramblings]

I never knew in my entire life that there were giant troll statues in this world but I’ve seen/heard three separate references to them in the past two days. What’s all this about, HS? One of your cryptic signs? Have you been trolling me?

[crackedramblings]

Notes from 2.5.24

I had dreams but I don't remember them at the moment.

My brother will be in town and wants to get together tomorrow. It's whatever.

I'm still planning to go see mom on Mother's Day. It's also whatever.

I watch for signs but all I see is ridiculous headlines in the news.

I've circled back around to the missing princess conspiracy.

Mort is being annoying again but I can't even muster the energy to be annoyed.

I'm just retreading old ground.

I've done what I came here to do.

There's no more 'progress' to be made here. Just circling. Progress is a western civilization thing anyway. I guess I will from now on just sit and chill. Which is basically what I've been doing. Either I leave here or I don't. That's all that everything boils down to. Either I'm here or I'm not. I'm not even depressed about it. It's all up to me. And I figured out some time ago that all my ideas about what 'could be' are pointless. Facta non verba. Deeds, not words. And so I sit here. Silent witness to the end of this game. Let it play out.

[crackedramblings]

Soul Writing 1.5.24

What was the hookup dream about?

3D again.

Okay. Explain?

You're not enjoying it as much as you think you should.

Yeah, well, that's a given. I mean the food and drink can be fun.

Indeed.

But really how much of that can I do anymore? The sensation of eating has lost some of its pizazz.

Precisely.

This interaction of molecules is interesting. The way they interchange and go from being to being. But ultimately I think I have got the gist of it.

Which was represented in the sexual encounter. It was pleasant, but not enough to really send you out of this world.

What's with all the interruptions?

Again, it's a busy time here.

I had a dream awhile back where I kept getting interrupted, didn't I? I can't remember what that dream was.

You can go back and reread it. It's the same principle. You're trying to squeeze the last drops of enjoyment out of 3D while you're here, which is what we told you to do, after all. And you have done so. It's just that there's so many distractions, and so much going on, that it's a very mild pleasure and sometimes more of an annoyance.

Yeah. So I felt myself jump awake last night, what was that?

Traveling. We just did that to remind you. It hadn't happened in awhile.

So I'm still traveling at night?

Of course.

Anywhere fun?

Your ship.

Okay. Anything else to tell me today?

Watch.

Watch for what?

Signs.

So cryptic. Okay, whatever, I'll watch for signs. Sigh.

Bye.

Later.

[crackedramblings]

Dream from 1.5.24

[TMI - Sex]

I was with a guy, and we were hanging out with a group of friends. It wasn't a guy I knew from IRL, and the friends did not represent anyone IRL. The group was kind of hanging out in the kitchen, or in another area of some random house, while the guy and I were in the living room. We were getting close and it seemed pretty clear we were both interested in taking this to a sexual place. So we started to initiate the process of taking off all our clothes, getting a condom ready, etc. Then while we were halfway undressed all our friends came into the room and settled in for a good long convo. We decided to try to find a more private area, and covered ourselves with some blanket from the couch or something as we awkwardly shuffled out of the room.

We passed my mom on the way to find a bedroom (my actual mom IRL). She noticed we were interested in getting in on and she was hesitant to let me. She implied that the friends had been taking some sort of substance and that my judgment might be compromised. I told her I hadn't taken any mind-altering substances, only drank a soda. She still wasn't convinced, so she said "I'll just sit here outside the door of the room in case you need me." I guess in case the guy got pushy, or something, and in case I yelled for help. I sort of shrugged it off. It wasn't ideal, but we wanted to do this.

So we went into this random bedroom and got on the bed. I was noticing things like the size of his penis and making sure he put a condom on properly. Then as he got down to business mom said something like "Oh, that's [random name]'s bedroom, he's probably in there." So yeah, while we were getting busy, some random kid showed up out of nowhere. Just a younger kid, who wasn't really shocked or anything, mostly giggly about it. The kid went to some other part of the room; I guess to give us as much privacy as possible in the situation. We continued on with our sexual encounter. Everything this guy was doing was 'right'; he was respectful, trying to make sure I was comfortable, and was careful about safety. But I just wasn't really enjoying it. It was pleasant enough, despite all the interference, but it wasn't what I felt like a truly good sexual encounter should be.

I felt sort of unsure about whether or not I should be putting on a bigger show. He was trying, shouldn't I pretend to be at least moderately more into this? But really I was just kind of laying there. He kept trying different things, and although it wasn't bad, it just wasn't exceptional. The last thing I remember was him trying some sort of foot pressure point technique, and he was gently pulsating his thumb against some part of my foot. I thought it felt good, but then I wondered if it was some sort of fetish on his part which detracted from my enjoyment. Then I woke up.

[crackedramblings]

Notes from 30.4.24

We went to try a new restaurant for lunch yesterday, and I thought it was rather ridiculously priced for a bowl of what amounted to rice and protein. So I went for the cheapest option and no soda or sides. I couldn't finish the bowl so I took it home and ate the rest of it for dinner. Are my hedonistic food ways over? IDK. Maybe I was just going with the flow.

We also went to a particular grocery store that we visit every few months. It's got a lot of (supposedly) healthy food at an inflated price. Again, I was not feeling like I needed to overindulge, which I normally do when we go here. So I just bought our faves and didn't load up the cart as I normally would.

What do these things tell me? At least yesterday, I was not really in 3D (unless you count being annoyed at high prices as 3D). Maybe these past few weeks were my last hurrah. Maybe it's time to let it go.

Am I reading too much into it? Am I being too human trying to find meaning in every single thing? Does it matter? I have literally nothing else to do. I am drawn to reading about conspiracies and collapse. I watch videos about the birth rates plummeting. And although it gives me a certain grim satisfaction, it's just wasting time. We are so thoroughly done here. I don't know why we stay. But at least I've stopped being so angsty about it.

I don't think I have gotten a single iota of anything from CA's videos. They are sort of like this blog. Served its purpose, still something to do.

[crackedramblings]

Soul Writing 29.4.24

What was the dream about?

Planting seeds. You are doing this now.

Okay. For earth?

For NE.

Okay. How? Why? Explain?

You are testing out certain experiences here. To see if they are something you would like to pursue on NE.

And the lady helping me?

Somebody who's already there [this didn't make sense to me but I'm rolling with it].

So what, she just came down for a chat?

She came down to lend a helping hand.

Uh huh. I thought we were all going to NE at the same time.

Don't worry about it.

Okay. Anything else to share?

Birds are singing.

Yes they are. Going to be a nice day.

The weather warm enough for you?

It is, thanks.

Good. Enjoy it.

I will.

Bye.

[I think it's possible the lady was a version of my HS, or 'future' self. IDK I probably should just not worry about it. Haha.]

[crackedramblings]

Dream from 29.4.24

This is just a snippet really, I barely remember it.

I had been just living my life in a random house. At some point I looked out the window and saw some people, then stepped outside to get a better view. There were some women across a street. I didn't know them, but I 'recognized' that one of them was going to the same place as me. In the dream it was as if I knew she was also going to NE. I waved at her and she waved back, we were so excited to see each other 'in the wild.' For some reason we didn't or couldn't cross the street to talk to each other. But she told me to hold on, and gave something to her friend, who was able to run across the street and hand it to me. It was some sort of tool used for planting seeds. I didn't even think this was a weird gift, I just thanked her and waved bye. Then I brought the tool back inside and went in search of the bathroom [in my dream] at which point I woke up and had to go to the toilet IRL.

[crackedramblings]

Soul Writing 27.4.24

What was the Taylor Swift dream about?

3D. She's someone you've been aware of and talking about lately that's very clearly a representation of 3D to you.

Okay. And 3D wants me back?

3D wants to seduce you.

Uh huh. And in the dream, it seemed like I was falling down on the side of agreeing to be seduced. Is it this way IRL?

Could be. There are complications with your body and we would have to do some things.

Okay. I mean, I'm not in great shape and now I'm even fatter which is probably pushing me into diabetes tbh. Was me giving in to all the food and stuff the 3D aspect seducing me?

Basically.

And you said to go ahead and let it happen.

Of course. It was fun.

I mean I don't really care if this body is done and we move on.

We know. It's just that you really enjoy some 3D things.

Yeah. What's wrong with that?

Not a thing.

So the dream wasn't really about me being seduced into a relationship and going back into 3D as much as it was a reflection of what's actually been happening in my life?

More or less.

Expand?

You want to stand in both worlds. You like to keep one foot in, and one foot out, and then complain about it. But you like it.

Best of both worlds.

Indeed.

But my body is not really going to allow me to continue to stand in both worlds for very much longer, is it?

Not if we don't intervene.

Well you're the one letting all these health problems fester. You could stop them.

We don't think you like it well enough here for all that. The health issues give you good acceptable excuses to avoid people and places.

Okay. That's legit. So, what's the takeaway here?

No takeaway, really. The dream was just a way to bring you into more conscious awareness of what is happening right now and to inform your future behavior/decisions.

I see. Anything else?

That's it. [Smiles]

Thanks.

No problem.

[crackedramblings]

Dream from 27.4.24

I dreamed that Taylor Swift was looking at a property near me to purchase. It was an odd building, it was used by a church and wasn't really fit for living in, although one could make do I suppose. It was something like a kitchen/bathroom downstairs, and an empty room upstairs. Perhaps used for church meetings or whatnot. Anyway, she was looking at the place and I could tell, watching her from a distance, that she was very enthusiastic about it. I finally decided she must want it for some sort of private recording studio. Our town is big enough to have an international airport but small enough that she could feel hidden away. It made sense to me in the dream.

Then, somehow, she was with me. Like hanging out with me. It seems she was interested in me, romantically. She kept moving closer to me, showing interest, until she was standing in front of me. She kept hinting that she wanted more, she wanted us to have a relationship. She was kissing me, it felt nice. It seems that we knew each other; she had lived in an apartment near me years ago and we'd been friends. Now she was back and was going to be moving in just a minute or two away -- the building from the first part of the dream -- and wanted us to have a more serious connection. I kept trying to tell her that I hadn't really had any relationships with women, and that I wasn't sure about this, but she was quite insistent that we were Meant To Be and I felt like I was being successfully seduced.

[I should mention that aside from liking some of her songs, I've never had a drop of romantic feeling for Taylor Swift in my life. XD]

[crackedramblings]

Notes from 26.4.24

Something has shifted. Haven't really even felt the need to say anything on here because it feels so obvious.

There's a physical purge happening with me, which happens a lot when I'm trying to release a big thing. It's fine though. It's my body's way of dealing with things.

It's like...I'm trying to find words for what this is like. But I don't know what those words are. Lightness? Detachment? These words aren't really right and they aren't really wrong either.

Are we done here? I don't even know if I mean this, but I almost feel like this blog has served its purpose for me. Not that I'll quit reading and writing, most likely, but it's like we've passed some sort of ... something.

Something is definitely different.

[crackedramblings]

Notes from 24.4.24

CA's third video was actually suggested to me in my YT algo. I watched it and was able to focus on it. Not sure how much of it I integrated but it seemed more in line with my vibe lately than the others.

Yesterday I was just bopping along like there was nothing in the world that I cared about. I went to get fast food (probably why my body hurts this morning) and I didn't even care about any of the reasons why I shouldn't. I just did it.

I was light and airy all day, and last night a mild euphoria hit me. Plus I saw out of the corner of my eye a light being (I assume) that felt like it was working on me. Felt waves of tingles on my skin.

Don't really feel that euphoria so much this morning but I still feel above average, at least in mood. Not sure if something shifted permanently or this is just me finally settling into my flow.

[crackedramblings]

Soul Writing 24.4.24

What changed yesterday?

Lighter.

Is this permanent?

[Ambivalent]

My body hurts but I feel good.

Yes. We noticed.

Did I have visitors last night?

Yes, of course.

I thought it was all me?

It's always all you. But a separate version of you.

Was it someone from the ship?

Indeed it was.

Was it my other incarnation?

A friend.

A friend of my other incarnation?

Yes.

What were they doing to me?

Helping. Spreading some lightness.

Is there anything else going on that I can/should know about?

Dancing.

Alright. Who's dancing.

Others, us, many.

Cool. Why?

Happy.

Alright. Any particular reason?

[Shrug]

Okay. Anything else to share today?

We're happy.

I can tell. That's nice, for a change, right?

Indeed. Yes.

Can we keep it this way for awhile?

Trying.

Alright. I guess that's enough for now.

[Nods]

[crackedramblings]

Notes from 23.4.24

CA's second video--it just doesn't vibe with me. It's whatever. It doesn't even matter what the reason is. My vibe is elsewhere.

Went out to dinner yesterday. Got a big burger. Asked for a gluten free bun, but due to a variety of factors didn't get one. I ate the bottom half of the regular bun and left the top. Maybe I'll have an allergic reaction, maybe I won't. The waitress brought two big glasses of strawberry lemonade and an extra order of fries for each of us. We didn't really even ask for that but we got it. I just shrugged and ate it all. I guess HS wants me even fatter. Roly poly me. Just bouncing through 3D land.

I was crying yesterday while thinking about a past life that may or may not be all in my imagination. WTF.

I woke up in the middle of the night a few times and was getting some downloads. I can't even tell you what they were right now, but they were helping me map out some of the insanity on this planet (look at me being judgy) and make sense out of why we were doing all this.

I'm getting pretty close to total go with the flow mode, I think. I'm not even dreading the trip to go see mom for mother's day. Is this progress?

[crackedramblings]

Confirmation of the breakup dreams. I got this ad for an astrology app while I was playing candy crush. Never saw it before.

[crackedramblings]

Soul Writing 22.4.24

What's with the divorce dream?

A representation of how you feel about this life. That you deserve more.

Does it mean an actual separation will occur?

Up to you.

Alright. What was the dream near the water about?

Just showing that a lot of humans move by instinct. You were comparing them to groups of other animals, which is very much correct. Don't judge them harshly for this, is the gist of the dream.

Okay. What's with all the judginess lately? From me and from others?

Just a phase to pass through. Some will like it and stay there. Others won't.

Which way am I gonna come down on?

Who's to say?

Well, you are. Aren't you?

I think you know.

Do I?

It's a process. Movement isn't instantaneous in this game.

But it could be, if you wanted it to be.

We like this better.

Sure. Sure. I watched CA's vid but forgot it already. What's that about?

Unnecessary for you.

I see. But I still see Naya's vids suggested to me, and never CA's. Why?

A difference of vibration. That is all.

Alright. I noticed (hard not to) that I've gained a good amount of weight.

Yes.

Well, I suppose that will happen when one's HS tells one to eat whatever she likes.

The body does what it does. Don't worry about it.

Am I meant to be pulling back from the food?

Again, it's a process. Different for everyone.

I'm slow.

Mm. Like a turtle. It's fine.

A turtle.

Mm. We like turtles.

Dude, okay. I think that's enough for one day. Unless you had something else?

It can wait.

Alright. Bye.

[Nods]

[crackedramblings]

Dreams from 22.4.24

Dream 1: It finally happened; my husband did something to warrant a divorce. I was relieved that it had finally happened, as I had been waiting for it. I was trying to maintain an emotion of righteousness in that I deserved better. I made a big show of declaring that I was going to divorce him. I started immediately gathering my things. There was so much to do, so much work to get my belongings packed; to get paperwork changed; to prepare for the separation. I was motivated by the knowledge that I didn't deserve to stay in this relationship, but my energy was flagging. My husband just seemed to smirk at this, as if he knew that all my actions would come to nothing.

Dream 2: I was in New York, I think? It's a bit hazy, but I was staying with a woman who had a house right on the water. You could look out and see the waterline very clearly. It felt like a Bed & Breakfast type situation, in that I was chatting with her about her life and things. She wasn't an established friend. At one point I went out to sunbathe; I stayed half in, half out of the sun. There were loads of people out enjoying the sun, although it was cold so most were wrapped up in sweaters and long sleeves. In my dream I was comparing us to a group of animals; seals, or turtles, or something. I was chuckling to myself about how closely our behavior mimicked animal behavior. I had this vision of all of us sliding into the water, or scrambling to get to safety, if something were to startle us. In the dream I turned to chat to my sister in law, who had appeared beside me. I don't remember what we chatted about. There were people around us doing things, but we were just resting there. (I can't remember my sister in law showing up in my dreams before.)