cryptidcalling

[cryptidcalling]

Having more thoughts about Vesper and being a brat, don’t mind me. (Not explicit, just talking about emotions and not suggestive stuff. CW domestic discipline in a fully consenting BDSM relationship).

I think it can be easy to misunderstand the point of being a brat. Pepole often assume that brats act like that to try and get their way or as an excuse to be mean because "it's what a brat does." But really the main point of being a brat is to get punished.

It's different for everybody, but for Vesper it has a lot of purposes. One is that it helps him deal with guilt and anxiety. He has a hard time coping with those feelings on his own, especially when he struggles to identify where they're even coming from. So these feelings make him act crabby and rude, and normally it'll build little by little until he's disciplined. Some feelings need bigger punishments than others, but hitting that peak helps him settle. He knows that logically speaking he's being punished for his behavior. But it also helps to quell the guilt and anxiety. Even when he doesn't really know where it came from getting disciplined feels like it's dealing with that thing too. It's a kind of emotional outlet.

Another thing is that it establishes and maintains rules and expectations. A really common cause for Vesper acting bratty is that he's gone too long without having the rules re-affirmed. Maybe he's been off planet for a while or busy training people or something like that. Whatever it is, it has created a stretch of time where the rules haven't been actively tested and re-established. Even when he knows that there's no reason for the rules to have changed, he gets anxious about what the expectations are and if they're all the same. Sometimes he gets too wrapped up in his own ego and thinks he doesn't really need to respect some of the rules anymore (this is part of the game, if Vesper genuinely thought a rule was unreasonable they'd discuss it). Testing the boundaries and receiving discipline makes Vesper feel safer and more secure because he knows exactly what is expected of him.

Thirdly, it's about knowing that Pansa is actually paying attention. This circles back to what I said at the beginning. If what he wants is attention, then wouldn't he be happy being pampered and spoiled even for being a brat? Wouldn't he want a relationship where he can ask for anything at any time and get it no questions asked? Wouldn't letting him get away with everything prove that Pansa's love is unconditional better than disciplining him? Put shortly: no. Put longly: If Pansa let Vesper disrespect the rules with no consequences, then what it would actually prove is that Pansa's not paying real attention to him, and that he doesn't care about how he acts. It's a dismissal, like if a parent responded to their kid acting out for attention by buying them a new toy, or when someone responds to something you say in a way that proves they were only half listening.

Fourth, it reassures Vesper that he'll be loved and wanted even when he's not useful and well-behaved all of the time. Having a bad attitude or making a mistake isn't going to make Pansa stop loving him. Getting that discipline proves on an extra level how much Pansa wants him, because he's willing to put in the effort to take care of him and correct his behavior when he needs it.

Lastly, it's just an easier way for Vesper to relax and submit when he's not feeling ready to do it on his own. He likes doing it, submission allows him to really let go of all his responsibilities and fully trust in someone else to know what's best. But when you have to be responsible for so many things all the time, and when you have a reputation for being very cold and serious, it can be really hard to let go of control and of ego. Being a brat allows him to get to that submissive hedspace and finally relax without needing to ask for help or admit how he's feeling.

#Vesper tag #Gonna repost this to the NSFW sideblog too but I wouldn't really consider this a NSFW post #Pansa tag #Also I know some ppl don't like domestic discipline stuff so if its not for u don't read it

[cryptidcalling]

Teeny follow-up to my last Vesper Post in the tags, gonna discuss the BDSM side of stuff bc it’s kinda become an inseparable part of Vesper and Pansa’s dynamic. Nothing explicit!

#My last post is LONG so tiny summary: Vesper’s shitty childhood gave him severe abandonment issues #as well as an inescapable anxiety every time he’s in an emotional situation he can’t control #And it left him with this mindset that if he stops being valuable he’ll also stop being loved and Pansa (and everyone else) will abandon him #Summary done #It definitely plays into why he likes Master/Servant and punishment so much in BDSM #As well as being a brat #A lot of the M/S stuff is just him getting rewarded for his efforts which makes him feel safe #He likes all the rules and strict discipline because it removes uncertainty abt what’s expected of him #and also it proves that Pansa pays attention to him even when he ‘misbehaves’ and gets punished #being able to misbehave or fuck up and get punished and have everything be forgiven #helps reassure Vesper that he’ll be loved and not abandoned even when he’s not perfect and useful #He likes belonging to someone because it means that Pansa gets to decide whether he’s worth keeping and not Vesper #I know that sounds counterproductive but listen #It works because Pansa will ALWAYS affirm that he’s worth keeping. Every single time. Whereas Vesper seeing his own worth as variable. #Plus it forces Vesper to view himself through the lense of someone else’s desire. #He may not think he had ought to take breaks. But Pansa does and Pansa decides what happens to HIS General. So Vesper takes a break. #I dunno if I’m making sense but trust me it works #Vesper tag #Pansa tag #not proofread bc I’m on mobile so I can’t edit these #OH also submitting requires him to relinquish control despite the anxiety that gives him #so he’s put into a lot of situations where he’s not in control but then everything turns out OK #Obv hes also just. INTO these things. But this post isn’t about the arousal part so much as it is the emotions part.

[cryptidcalling]

i make a lot of posts to the tune of "you're allowed to be horny btw" because it's becoming increasingly clear that adults being sexual in (clearly marked and blockable!) spaces is being stamped out and made out to be evil both legislatively and in the moral zeitgeist, especially among younger folks. not even in the "wait to be a horny adult online when you're An Adult" way, just an ingrained puritanical outrage response to *anything* that isn't chaste wholesome perfect all-ages allowed. it's unnerving and scary.

[cryptidcalling]

Making another post about Vesper's awful childhood. Is anyone surprised?

This one's mostly about how his experiences as a child impacted his emotional state as an adult. CW for child abuse, physical and emotional neglect, and intentional self-injury.

I'm going to try and summarize the backstory bits as much as I can, but Vesper (as we all know) did not grow up in a loving environment. He has Venus for a good chunk of his childhood, but she could only do so much before she was taken away from him. With Venus gone, Vesper started seeking that familial love and care from the researchers.

When he was younger they gave him a lot of attention. It wasn't loving attention of course, it was them swarming around him doing tests and medical trials and taking his blood, but with Vesper feeling as lonely as he did he didn't really remember how unpleasant their attention was. He just needed anything. But as Vesper got older, the Stardust-derivative chemical content of his blood lowered and lowered. By around age 12 or 13 it hit a low plateau where it still sits now. As his usefulness dwindled, the researchers turned their attention towards new projects, essentially abandoning him besides providing the essentials to keep him alive.

Vesper tried everything to get their attention. First he begged and pleaded and promised to be good, then he threw tantrums and screamed and broke things, and then he had the idea to try and injure himself. Particularly, he knew he needed to draw blood. When he was young, any tiny cut would cause researchers to flock to him in order to collect what he lost and stop the bleeding. He didn't want to get hurt, and he knew the attention would be fleeting, but it was the only idea he had left. It took some effort, they didn't exactly leave him with access to sharp objects, but eventually he was able to make a pretty big cut right on his cheek (somewhere prominent, impossible not to see). It hurt, and he cried, but internally he was hopeful.

Nobody came. He tried for hours, first calling out that he was hurt and needed help, then that he sure was losing lots of blood, then kicked the door and screamed about how much he hated everyone and everything and he'd just bleed and bleed until he died then, and for a long time he just sat on the floor and cried. He cried and cried until everything just went numb. Like he'd cried out everything he'd ever felt and now there wasn't anything left.

~ Vesper still remembers doing that, vaguely. He remembers it as an embarrassing childhood tantrum. Really, he was way too old at that point to pitch such a massive fit. 12 years old is too old to be crafting petty schemes for parental attention. If people ask him now how he got that scar he tells them he "got it on the job," because he finds the true story too shameful to recount. He remembers it as a day where he was taught a valuable lesson about dealing with his own problems.

Vesper prides himself on being difficult to get a rise out of. He's cold, he's serious, he's logical, all very valuable things for a General to be. When people insult him he gives them no reaction, and in the face of fear and danger he presses forward with an unshakeable bravery. As long as he can phsycally deal with his problem, whether that be through fighting or working or simply walking away, he can handle it no matter how many strong emotions are twisting around in his gut and chewing at his insides. But that changes when he's presented with a problem he has no way to fix. When he's stuck in a conversation he doesn't know how to navigate, or when he's worrying about how others feel about him, everything just keeps twisting and chewing into an inescapable anxiety. How that anxiety manifests can change depending on what's causing it, but either way it can cause some rather childish reactions. Sometimes he'll just hide away from everyone, refusing to talk or let them help him until the anxiety calms down or he finds something to occupy himself with. Other times it manifests as irritation and crabbiness, causing him to snap at people and have a very short temper. He feels guilty about that, but he can barely ever bring himself to apologize.

Vesper hides and downplays his injuries and illnesses. Partially because even the risk of getting medical treatment makes his blood run cold, and partially because he just can't see them as anyone's problem but his own. It's a frequent argument between him and Pansa, and he just doesn't get it. Why does Pansa think he can't take care of his own problems? Why is he so level-headed about everything else, but starts making mountains from molehills when he gets hurt? It's his job to get hurt. Why won't Pansa just let him do what he needs to do? The same tends to go for his hunger or tiredness. They're his own problems, and as much as he enjoys Pansa's attention and pampering, he can't help but feel a little ashamed when Pansa scolds him for not eating or sleeping properly. Those are his problems, ones Pansa shouldn't have to be worrying about, and yet time and time again Pansa ends up remotely clocking him out and putting in an order with the kitchens to make him dinner. So much of what Vesper does is driven by an unconscious need to be valuable, because he's convinced having value is the only way people will still care for him.

#My poor boy has issues <3 Particularly abandonment issues </3</3 #Vesper's 'people need to be valuable' thing does apply to everyone else as well. He just allows them to be valuable differently. #He has no respect for someone who he perceives as lazy #But he does respect that being valuable comes in many different forms. All that matters is you provide something to others. #Simply making others happy is enough for other people to be valuable in his eyes. Because clearly if they're making people happy #then they're valuable in some way he just can't see. #It's smth Pansa's working on. Trying to prove to Vesper that his love doesn't go away when Vesper's not being useful. #Vesper has a hard time with it though. #Vesper tag

[cryptidcalling]

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[cryptidcalling]

Cosmo bodyyy

(Base by PjBottoms on DA)

#Cosmo tag #I didn’t add the mushrooms or anything bc. Nightmare #There’s a reason I never draw Cosmo myself lol #Technically his legs are more bendy/goatlike in his ref but tbh I prefer the plantigrade look like this #With the permanent tippy toes

[cryptidcalling]

ill spend my twenties investigating the healing properties of salt i dont know about you guys

[cryptidcalling]

Shout out to all the Black ppl that can no longer participate directly in the fandom they love because of the stresses of racism 👍🏾 you contain multitudes of value and I'm sorry that the color of your skin and the power of your voice makes people not want to acknowledge that.

[cryptidcalling]

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[cryptidcalling]

Doing some OC comparisons bc it’s what I do:

Fen needs to be wanted, and he won’t settle for less. He knows the value of his companionship, and understands what healthy love looks like. He doesn’t get angry or blame people if they’re not committed to him that way, he just knows how to not commit back.

Vesper needs to be needed. It matters a lot to him that he is objectively not replaceable, and that his value come from his actions and abilities. He doesn’t really understand the difference between needing someone and wanting them, he assumes you must want people you need and vice versa.

Cosmo wants to be wanted. He’ll settle for being needed, if that’s what keeps him in the group, and he tries very hard to be helpful because his value has historically come from how useful he is. But what he really desires is to know that he’s being kept around because people want him, not because they need him for something.

#fen tag #vesper tag #Cosmo tag

[cryptidcalling]

Dude I don't know ANYTHING about Bg3 but like. Just aesthetically? Emotionally? I think Cosmo and Shadowheart should be some sort of pair. Best friends, lovers, odd co-dependent queerplatonic partners, I dunno. They've both recently managed to free themselves from literal actual cults, like nature, and prefer peaceful solutions. I think they'd develop some kind of extremely dependent bond bc they've both lost their entire sense of purpose and have found one (1) other person who like... Gets It. Two very sad amnesiacs who I think deserve to be happy together.

#Truly all I know about BG3 is from absorbing info from other people #But aesthetically I feel like if you put them together they look like a set #cosmo tag

[cryptidcalling]

This sudden and unexplainable urge I keep getting to turn my masculine OCs feminine

#Vesper's a perfect little laydee now and I love her for that #And Cosmo's already nonbinary (He/they/it) #It would be so simple... so easy... (He/she/they/it)

[cryptidcalling]

[cryptidcalling]

Hmm, thinking about Pansa and Vesper <3

I mostly talk about fluffy domestic stuff or Vesper's personality and motivations. Hence, the action tends to kinda fall to the wayside. Still, Vesper's often away from the Citadel (oftentimes he's off planet entirely) handling field missions which can get really dangerous and physically demanding. Thankfully he's got plenty of tech and rations so he doesn't really have to use survivalist skills like hunting or making shelter from scratch, but military field work is still military field work at the end of the day.

That being established, back to fluffy domestic stuff lol: Vesper doing a lot of that real-life (dangerous) hard work is part of why Pansa likes him. Pansa adores spoiling his partners. If that's all he wanted, then he could find thousands of other partners easier to spoil. He and his mother have been presented with an uncountable number of letters and propositions for him to marry dukes, duchesses, princes and princesses, nobility and royalty of all varieties. All beautiful, all who would love being treated to the vast wealth of the Emperor of the ESR. Vesper's not exactly easy to lavish. He gets caught up in roles and ranking. Being the general is considered nobility in the ESR, but Vesper still perceives his role as that of a soldier rather than a bureaucrat. Someone with a lot of important responsibilities, but who will never really be worthy of luxury the way someone born into nobility is. He's a soldier, comes from nothing, one who gets his hands dirty and so would taint any pristine luxury not meant for him. So, he often resists. Insist that he's fine, and that he really doesn't need that much. He rarely asks for things that aren't essential. Hell, even Vesper's more comfortable clothes and pajamas are gifts from Pansa, because before he'd just wear the standard-issue military garments he's always worn. When he does get gifts he reacts reservedly and humbly, not showing off or calling attention to it.

And Pansa likes that about her. A noble partner would be easier to spoil, would show more outward delight at the gifts, but they'd rarely appreciate the value. At least in Pansa's opinion, it's just something they'd expect. He doesn't doubt that they'd appreciate it of course, but his gifts wouldn't be anything very impressive. For other silver-spooners, they'd be par for the course. Vesper is different.

Pansa likes that spoiling Vesper really means something to her. She knows the precious value of his gifts because she knows a life without wealth. He likes knowing that the grime on Vesper's skin is being washed away by expensive soaps, and that those creams and body butters Pansa insists he use are actually doing something for his rough and scarred skin. He likes presenting Vesper with a huge expensive meal after he returns home knowing that it's the first proper meal he's had in weeks. Likes knowing that when Vesper goes to sleep that night it'll be in a huge, plush, comfortable bed that's much larger than he needs, curled up like a little stray kitten that Pansa's brought in from the cold.

Her going out regularly on field missions does worry Pansa. He cares about her safety and will always be nervous about her getting hurt. But he also likes knowing that she's not going to get too used to constant wealth. Even when she could be handed everything on a shining golden platter, she's still determined to keep getting her hands dirty.

#Hhhhyeah this ones self indulgent sorry #Sometimes I joke that Vesper brings Pansa places bc she knows he'll buy her stuff #And that's true once they've been actually dating for a while!!! #But 99% of the time it's Pansa bringing Vesper to places that has stuff she wants so he has excuses to buy her things she won't ask for #vesper tag

[cryptidcalling]

I kinda thought I was over being embarrassed of my own OC posting given all of the insane shit I've put on the internet, but something about writing about Pansa and Vesper's dynamic really digs into my psyche until it hits the part of my brain that's a 14-year-old puritan.

#I'm referring to myself as a 14 yr old btw #I dunno I think that it's natural for kids to go a little over the top with their moral policing for a while #Bc they're kinda just learning about morality and activism in a more complex setting and also the internet is wild #But 20 year old me does not agree with her lol #Anyways I'm gonna post the thing bc I can do what I want lol #Oh the reason Vesper and Pansa do this to me is bc their relationship is (on paper) not super healthy #Just given how much power Pansa haves over Vesper and how much he likes that #But 1: vesper likes it too and 2: they are Not Real and I control how happy they both are lol

[cryptidcalling]

*turns a perfect 180 degrees so that my cutting board-flat ass is facing you* *i walk away with feminine swagger but masculine contempt*

[cryptidcalling]

QUINTON.

QUINTON.

#quinton reviews #QUINTON. Q U I N T O N.