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Expectations

Expectations are something we hardly ever call by their name still they not only exist but they controll our life immensely. We, common folks have no idea about that, I think. We don’t really understand why we are upset, pissed off or stressed out. We blame the circumstances and others but in fact, these inner states are the works of expectations.

Expectations have many disguises. Requirements set by other people are maybe easier to be recognised. But don’t be fooled. Let’s see an example. I have been feeling rather stressed out for the last two weeks. I finish an assignment in a hurry and start to work on another. I can’t really feel satisfaction with the work done because there’s no time to joy over a successful piece of writing or there’s no reason for rejoicing as I’m not happy with the end result. I am overwhelmed by the feeling of being incapable of performing well, being a mess and total failure. So I was wondering if it is really my teachers’ opinion and the marks that I care about. Then I realised that on a deeper level I want to meet my parents’ expectations. I want to earn their love and acknowledgement by showing them I was worth it. And even deeper down I don’t want to fail myself. It’s not that I’m so interested in teaching now but I made a decision. Probably I won’t be a musician so learning to be an English and History teacher is the best option now. I expect myself to succeed and that’s the burden which makes things worse.

Buddhists say that the ultimate state of happiness is reached by giving up expectations. Easier said than done, though. But I believe the first step is recognising the expectations underlying our emotions, mood and deeds.

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Treasures island

Once upon a time, the exciting story of mine begins with that I finally got to meet up with my old high school friends in the fall break. Although, two weeks earlier there was a class reunion and a ball for our entertainment too, but we could all agree with that it was not really our way of having fun. So we decided to be “kids” again and do that we used to do, let’s have a barbecue!

First things first, we had to be prepared for lightning the fire so we could cook. We went to the best and only location: the bank of the river Dráva. When we arrived at the place, my friend Sára set to work on the fire, meanwhile I was standing there and started to doubt that this is going to work. It was the lamest fire attempt the world has ever seen. We were trying harder and harder to start a fire, but it wouldn’t burn as we wanted to.  Later on, the rest of the crew has arrived and of course, they were laughing at us.  Then they were helping as well, and at one point after series of failures someone came up with the idea that we should use the ‘graceful candles’ given by my mom. Interestingly, I don’t think that anyone has ever used candles to light the fire, but I can tell you now that it was a great success. After all the ‘catastrophic’ events, our fire’s flames were magnificent, moreover the bacon and onion were as delicious as always.

As this party went down slowly, everyone took off to their business and only the strong remained, Sára and I. So, to take advantage of our vehicle we went driving and singing, which is the best activity of all time. While we were going around, Sára mentioned that she is part of an event called ‘Geocaching’ that hides boxes all over the country. In addition to this, we drove into the forest at 23:00 to find our treasure. There was darkness all over, a strange car parked where we were looking for the box… so it was quite dangerous and terrifying. Afterwards, the police appeared too, but nothing happened really.

To sum up, the important thing was not the box’s content. The whole day was a gift for me, a great experience, and also a friendship that I value even more after I’m here in Pécs again. I’m happy for that we could make this happen, and also for the unexpected journey.

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Muted

This “Summer of 69’” I finally had the opportunity to reveal myself with my music. I had never sung in front of other people before in my life, then when I could, I did it without my voice.

For a start, I’d like to share some background information to make you understand how this event of mine went down, and the bumpy road to it. I've been playing almost all musical instruments since forever, and I was told by many people that I have talent etc. Singing just appeared in my life 2 or 3 years ago, and I’ve always wanted to play with other people. Unfortunately, in a small town like where I live, it’s really hard to find fellow-musicians. On top of that, I was really…shy. I still am. I’ve never been fond of the reflector light, however, I’ve changed a lot and I try to open up more and more. Well, at the beginning of June I received a concert proposal as my brother’s friend finally noticed me from the shadows. Then, as the rehearsals started, I caught a cold… I was coughing, and my singing voice started to fade away. Still, we practised as much as we could, although as you could guess, I was not happy about my performance.  Well, at the end of August, the date of our show was coming closer and I wasn’t feeling any better, rather worse.

 This was my very first show with a “real” band. Despite losing my voice, some miracle had happened since I sounded quite good. It wasn’t 100% perfect, but the feedbacks from the audience were great. Actually, most of “my fans” said that I, the guest member was better than the actual formation of the band. The funny thing was after this really qualitative concert which is rare in our town, that I wasn’t invited to further concerts by them. The singer later on gave the following explanation: “Usually a band consists of only 4 people, what was I thinking that it could be 5 or more?” Hearing this, all I could do is to laugh. The moral of this story to me is that I shouldn’t humble myself to these kinds of people, but there are benefits too. It gave me a chance to take a huge step in music and self-development, also it helps me to push myself forward and keep playing. (With normal people). The moral to you, dear reader is that you shouldn’t try to join a band with 4 members. (Because it’s against the rules).

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Catching the fox's tail

There is no week without any animal story in my pocket to share.  This blog entry is going to be similar to  my previous one, it just happened last weekend, and I thought I have to share this one with you as well.

We were preparing for a party with my friends, we were at a place not far from our town, (actually, a school’s property), anyway, people live there too. So this territory is called Rigóc with fences and everything. It was broad daylight in the afternoon, and a fox wandered around. All the cats noticed him when he arrived (uninvited), giving us a signal that something is wrong. I got a stick in my hand and tried to chase him away by shouting and screaming, making such a big noise. But he wouldn’t care. I felt like I’m racing like those runners called „Rókaűzők” or when people try to catch the fox’s tail not in foot, but bicycle. I thought I was doing some progress, but the foxy would stop at every 5 meter and get a bite from grapes, apple, and who knows what. My friend had a thought that he would be scared away when he hears loud music from the car. Shortly after, the whole forest listened to Macklemore’s greatest hit, but this creature was just looking at me as I was stupid. Then he was full I think, got bored, and took off. He came back several times afterwards, but he was just hungry and totally harmless. He was just our plus one guest in the party.

(It all had been documented by my assistant because I wanted to be an Instagram star, but I’m to shy to post anything on social media.)

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My doggies’ eating habits

My labradors are big, considering their gender, as they are „lady-dogs”. That’s what people coming to our house say. My mom’s reply is: „No, they are not fat, don’t hurt my dogs”. But no one can ignore the fact that they just always want to eat.

These two are seeking for the chance of getting food, all the time. They work like the A-Team, the teamleader is Doris, and her assisant is Dönci. When my father is not at home, and my mother is „in charge” (who is way too lenient with them), their weekly routine is, getting into the house and steal some potato, bread, a whole plate of pankcakes, anything they can find in the pantry and the kitchen. Anyway, it’s the end of the summer, and the gardens are also full of yummy for their little tummy.  It’s time to harvest!

The snug is we are not much of a gardener type of family, but our neighbour is. A wire fence separates her garden and our yard. You wouldn’t think that a dog can unlace the wire fence… but Doris can. She makes a hole, a door in the fence, and they both crawl over to Paradise. As they are finished with the feast, they come back and pretend as nothing happened.  What’s more, it’s not only hard to notice that there is a gap in the fence, but it’s also hard to fix it. My father and I suffer a lot while repairing it, but my mom is so proud of her bright, crafty, naughty angels.