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Introduction
I’m writing this because I recognize my need for an outlet to assemble my thoughts...even if they are in the form of an incoherent ramble. Maybe with a place to see them I can better address them.
I go on and off facebook, occasionally making vows to stop using the service entirely. I leave because it is a place where the dead go to die. I return for much the same reason. It is part of the numb pattern of life, and I am child of entropy more often than I’d like to be, feeding the pattern so I can press my ear to the stomach of non-existence and hear the digestion static, the neutral tone of oblivion. The alternative are sounds of the increasingly dark voices in my head.
I am not well. I go between miserable and numb, with brief pauses for joy. I am not getting better. Not on my own. I’ve been going to therapy for a few months now, but I’m not yet certain if it is helping. I don’t know if I’m in a place to allow it to help. It is good to hear a different perspective, have a neutral NPC offer ideas. But it is up to me to act on these ideas, and most of the time I just don’t have it in me.
Most days I want nothing more than to be alone, anxious or bothered by the very concept of contact. I don’t want to reach out. I don’t want others to reach out to me. Even those within the inner circle of my life are not immune to this. I worry that my very presence in the life of others has become cursed. That my attempts to do the best, will, via a chain of events that I have unwittingly set in motion, lead to their ruin. It has happened too many times in the past few years for me to ignore. None of that is true. All of that is true. The very thought has sapped my will to interact.
I invite a talented friend to be part of a team for an exciting project, they have a breakdown and suffer flashbacks as a result.
I ask a friend to step in for me when I need a break, as a result they entertain thoughts of suicide.
I do something as simple as get a bartender to give an overlooked friend a drink and they end up getting deliriously sick.
And because I can be sane and objective, I can recognize that none of that is my fault...but that doesn’t stop me from believing that it is all my fault, believing myself to be the lever that set things in motion. I honestly don’t know if I’m the one setting up the dominoes of cause and effect, or the just the idiot who starts a chain reaction that was inevitable from the start.
So I numb myself and return to the pattern. Cycling through the same websites. Playing the same mindless games. Watching different iterations of the same videos. Drinking too much, too often.
And...and...and...
I’m starting this blog. I need a place where I can say things I can’t express elsewhere on the internet. A place to assemble my thoughts, in hopes that by solidifying the events of the last few years I can maybe come to terms with my life going forward.
Take care out there.
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