darrenscottgibson-blog

[darrenscottgibson-blog]

Time’s Your Time, Auld One

How long had a been comin here now? Two week? Aye it was two week now. Normally ad have just jumped intae the Judges on a Saturday afternoon and stayed there till last bells but two week ago ad thought ad change it up ye know. West end a Glasga man, too many bars, no enough time. Another pint John aye? Aye another Best son cheers. Will that be ma third the night? Naw it’d be ma fourth. Had wan in the Judges then a jumped intae the Strathy tae give ma youngest that two score. Skint so he is, always has been. Startin a new job on Tuesday though so he tells me. There are ye are John. Right son cheers. That’s ma fourth and then ah’ll have another and that’ll be me. Five pints John that’s yer lot. Yer no fourty anymore that’s what a need to keep reminding maself. Turned sixty-three last Monday and a cannae remember a fuckin thing fae that day honestly. We were in the Judges from aboot eleven in the mornin and Jerry behind the bar was handin me all sorts. Cannae remember a thing, absolutely brutal. The next day a told maself a need tae take it easy. Five pints on a Saturday night, that’s yer lot. The problem is the thirst ye get. Wit was that old quote again? First ye take a drink then ye take another then the drink takes you. Aye somethin like that. Here, that guy was right man who ever said that. Ah’ll finish that pint and that’ll be me. Here is that Billy? Naw it’s no Billy it just looks like him. Haha fuck sake man am losin it already, stupid auld cunt sittin here pure desperate for company that a start seein ma pals in strangers faces. Naw am no desperate for company, whit am a talkin aboot? Am an old guy at the end ae the bar havin a quiet pint to maself. Nae bother wae that at all, no in the slightest. Besides, a wisnae alone - a had ma pint and a had that young boy Tam behind the bar, a wisnae alone. Still but, this is a bit of a trendy place if a do say so maself, it wouldnae be hard for me to look outta place here. Students man, they were everywhere nowadays honestly. And no just Scottish either – ahm talkin Inglish, Uhmerican, Khanaedian, Chinkie. Naw man a cannae be sayin that - Chinkie, the worlds moved oan fae aw that. That’s me showin ma age man. Back when a was young ye could say anything ye wanted, honestly, you fuckin name it and it could be said. Now ye’ve got aw yer PC cunts tellin ye what ye can say and whit ye cannae say. Fuck sake, just say whit ye want man. Words! They’re just words! That’s hawf the pint gone awready. Was a gonnae stay for another wan? Naw John enough now mate, if ye have another then yer gonnae be that auld sad cunt at the end of the bar lookin aboot smilin at the weans, creepin them oot. Naw, ye’ll finish that pint and that’ll be you. Off up the road. Ah’ll tell ye whit a will be havin though. A single fish, and by that a don’t mean a supper. Where’s the lavvies? Ye’ve been comin here two week now John ye know where the lavvies uhr - That’s whit Tam would have said to me if a asked him. Aye, a know where they uhr. Aff the stool a go and doon the corridor. Why’s there aw these pictures of old cunts linin the walls? Kelvin, Baird, Doyle, Burns, Bell. Awrite, they’re famous Scots. Fuck sake that reminds me! Wan time wan a they Khanaedian boys was in the Judges. Seemed a nice boy right enough but had wan ae they North Uhmerican attitudes that just wound ye right up man. He was sittin there at a corner table gee’in it the patter to a group a student lassies at the table next to him, they were aw starin at him aw googly eyed and smitten wae his accent, the lassies must have been English man cause nae self-appreciatin Scottish lassie is fallin for any a that shitey Yank patter no way - Now, I know you Scots pretty much invented the world but one thing you didn’t invent - and I hope you don’t know this and it comes as a surprise - is that Canada invented the telephone. Alexander Graham Bell, yep, he was the first. Me and the boy a was drinkin wae Ramsay overheard and just looked it each other like that. A saw Ramsay’s eyes man, he was ragin! He aye wis man and this just sent him aer the edge. He’s oan his feet just geein it tae the boy – Alexander Graham Bell Canadian aye! Fuckin Canadian is he! Listen tae his fuckin name ya icepole basturt! He’s a fuckin Scot awrite! Edinburgh! Born in Edinburgh! Ramsay just laid intae him man, a felt sorry for the boy honestly. He was bein annoyin aye but he didnae deserve that abuse, he was just tryin tae chat up those lassies, boy’s just wantin his hole, nothin wrong wae that at aw, over here from Khanada just wantin his hole, don’t blame him. Eventually Ramsay sits back doon but the damage was done, the boy finished his pint and left, the girls followin shortly after. Am just sittin there with a pure beamer man, collar up eyes straight ahead. That was wan of the reasons a had tae stop drinkin in there, absolute nutters honestly. Aye, this establishment was much better. Full of youth ye know? And am no meanin that in a pervy way or anythin, it’s just nice tae be away from sad old cunts like Davie past their prime and just ragin at everythin. Every time ye have a pint in there ye don’t want tae say anythin wrang just in case ye ended up wae a pint glass aer yer heed. That’d be you man, somebody would have tae put a towel tae the gash and walk ye along tae the Western. Pish done, fly zipped and back along the corridor tae ma stool. Here, it’s no half fillin up in here. Groups a young boys, couples, folk out just tryin to have a good time. And why no? That’s aw ye’ve got man. It’s no a nice world, ye’ve got tae get oot there and enjoy yerself and try no tae think, try no tae think at aw. Haud on. Somebody’s tanned the rest ae ma pint man! Who was it! Fuck sake, ye go for a pish and some cunt comes up to the bar and tans the rest ae yer pint pure jakey basturt style, what chance ye got! Naw, it must have been me. This is a nice wee place, folk wouldnae dae that here. Aye it must have been me. Right, ah’ll stay for wan mare and that’ll be me oot the door. Wan mare Tam son. No bother John, just serving the end of the bar and ah’ll be with you in a second. Aye no bother son. He was a good boy, Tam. Wisnae from Glasgow anyway, certainly not. Has wan a they posh north-east accents ye know, Aberdeen or somewhere. Aye that’ll be it, Aberdeen. His Da’ll be working in the oil and he’ll be down here for the Uni. Studyin the Engineerin or somethin like that. Definitely willnae be wasting his time wae some shite like Philosophy or Art History or some pish like that. Naw he’ll be an engineer within two year, he’s a smart boy. A Best John, there ye are. Cheers Tam. Here, Tam, whit ye studyin? Engineerin is it? No John am just about to finish my fourth year in Journalism at Strathclyde. Journalism is it? Good for you son. Ye look like an honest boy, that profession needs mare honesty that’s whit ave aye said – needs mare honesty. He smiles and fucks off tae serve wan ae his pals at the other end of the bar. Good for him, he’s a good life waitin. Ave no had a good life. Aye a have whit am a talkin aboot! Thirty year as a mechanic before the accident and on tae an early pension. Three weans. Married twice. Wan ae them deed, the other fucked off. Ah’ll be seein ma eldest son next week for the game. That’s right, said he’d be doon for the Killie game. Was aye a good game that, Jags against Killie. Ma eldest daughter where was she noo? No heard fae her in a while, last she said she was in San Francisco. Or was it San Diego? Same fuckin thing anyway! Aye she went aer there for her last year of Uni and never came back. Married a big American boy and that was her. The most American boy you’ll ever see, let me tell ye, big block heed wae wan ae they jaws that could poke yer eye oot and a full heed a jet-black hair. Never made it over for the weddin, Seattle’s too far for me man to sit on a plane. Ahd be climbin the waws honestly, couldnae even have a fag or anythin. Aye it’s San Diego, a remember noo. Could ye imagine me oot there man? Ahd stick oot like a sore thumb. A cannae think of anythin more of a polar opposite – cunts fae San Diego and Glaswegians. Fuck sake! Could ye imagine those big tanned surfer bastards comin over here and Weegies gaun aer there like a swap exchange? We wouldnae have a clue whit tae dae - “Em, excuse me. Could you point me to the nearest beach and tell me if I’ll ever feel direct sunlight ever again?” “Awrite mate, anywhere aboot here a can get a decent pint?” Fuck sake man it would be chaos! This pints gaun tae ma heed. Five pints and that’s me fucked nowadays, what a sordid state of affairs. Honestly but, whits in this pint? It’s no smellin right either, it’s fuckin hummin. Tam, whits in this pint? He cannae hear me. Naw don’t bother the boy John, yer pints fine. Just get it finished and get up the road, yer awrite. That boys greetin at that table aer there. Fuck sake mate are ye awrite? Should a go ask? Naw John don’t make it worse for him just leave it man honestly, ye don’t even know if he’s greetin. Except he is. Fuck sake mate are ye awrite? It’s awrite we aw get that way. A just want tae go over there and tell him that, that it’s awrite and we aw get that way. Yer still young mate, what age uhr ye if ye don’t mind me askin? Thirty-wan? Thirty-two? Fuck sake man yer awrite don’t worry yer still so young, still so young. Yer a good lookin boy as well, ye’ll be awrite. fuck sake Did a say aw that oot loud? Did folk just hear me callin that boy good lookin? Naw they didnae it’s awrite ye just said it tae yerself John don’t worry. Somethins in that pint, fuck sake Tam whit huv ye done tae ma pint? Right get it tanned and get up the road. There we go – glass in hand, get it necked. Right, it’s finished. Up the road. Naw, a need tae pee first. Right ok, toilet then up the road. Fuck sake whits happened a was awrite ten minute ago. Doon the corridor for a pish, here we go. Fuck sake Alexander Graham Bell Khanaedian ma fuckin bahookie. Urinals are full. Right, intae the lavvie then. Door closed behind me, get that locked John fuck sake. Aye that’s gettin locked, ye never know who might want tae watch ye take a piss! There’s some fuckin sick bastards oot there man that love that, would just love tae watch ye take a pish. Fuckin poofs man the lot of them. Right pish done, fly up. Look at the bowl to see if there’s any blood in yer pish though, that’s a sign a trouble for a man your age. Aye, good idea. Jump in mate. Naw man naw, that toilet didnae just start talkin to me did it! It fuckin did! It lifted and closed its seat like a wee flappy mouth and started chattin away! Honestly! Well? Ye jumpin in or no? Naw mate ahm awrite no the night! Fuckin hell man that’s me talkin tae toilets now. Game over John mate, sixty-three year auld and that’s the mind gaun awready! Talkin tae a toilet! Oot the lavvies and back up the corridor. Yer pints finished. Fuck sake has somebody drank ma pint again! Naw they didnae, remember, ye necked hawf ae it before you went for a pish, right before that toilet started talkin tae ye. Oh my god man so a did. That you away John? That’s Tam talkin tae ye John. Answer him. For the love of fuck answer him! Whit are ye daein! Answer the boy ya stupid auld cunt! Answer him, he’s askin if yer awrite! John? You alright? Ye gonnae answer him naw? Fuck sake ah’ll dae it maself then. Aye am awrite! A don’t need you askin if am awrite! Awrite! Sorry John, didnae mean anything by it. You spiked ma drink didn’t ye ya wee poofy basturt! You spiked ma drink cause ye want tae shag me! Ya dirty wee bastard! Wantin tae shag an auld guy like me! That fuckin toilet in there was talkin tae me cause you spiked ma drink! The boy’s just standin there in shock man. Aw naw, whit have ye said to him fuck man whit have ye said tae him. That’s you barred man, barred. Yer fuckin lucky he’s no just turned round and phoned the polis! Callin him a wee poofy bastard! That’s homophobic man, that’s fuckin jail time! He’s still no said anythin. He’s turnin roon, he’s gonnae phone the polis! Right that’s me man, am off, ootae here, sayonara see ye fuckin never ma amigo! That’s you at the door now, ye better turn round and see if ye’ve caused a scene. Naw. Fuck all. Naebody battin an eyelid, carryin on wae their conversations. Well whit were ye expectin? A wee needle scratch to fill the room and for every cunt to be starin at ye pure gawkin aw wide-eyed? Get oot and up the road. Am oot. It’s pishin down man, jump a taxi. Naw a cannae, am skint remember. Oh aye, right leg it up the road then before the rain starts batterin doon. What’s that though? Wan mare just tae take the edge off things? There’s a pub across the road man just jump in there for wan mare just to calm the auld nerves, then up the road. Two bouncers but. Soon as they see an auld cunt like you walkin up they’ll burst oot laughin man! Naw no the night auld yin they’ll be sayin whilst tryin no to burst intae laughter. Aw my god man just get up the road. That’s whit am daein fuck sake! Ye’ll have tae apologise tae Tam in the mornin man, that was bang oot ae order whit ye did man fuck sake, boy didnae deserve it, yer as bad as Davie and that Khanadian boy honestly! Whit did ye no just stay in the Judges for ya auld bastard! Fuck sake, ye cannae be up here tryin to have a drink wae the weans. Shut up fuck sake awrite fuck sake awrite It'll be awrite, just one foot in front ae the other, up the road.