ddontyyoukknow

[ddontyyoukknow]

Everything has lead to this moment i am more poised for live and happiness then i ever have been. Everything i am drawn to i will have in die time and everything i want excites me as a beautiful thing i will have in the future. The goal is to find, even if u have to dig like its a treasure hunt, what you find pleasurable in this moment. In all moments. What do you find pleasurable and satisfying? Is what my secret sauce is. Being in awe and in gratitude. Holding awe gratitude pleasure and satisfaction as pillars to ground me as i go about my creation journey. And i create freely for myself and no-one else. And start creating a groove in my brain to be able to see the fine and sensitive little details of satisfaction sticking out from the fabric of my everyday. Slowing down and taling all the little love in until my life is exactly what i want it to be and until i am fully fulfilled and in awe excatly where i am so that when i do manifest the big stuff, the high if having it lasts that much longer and i feel in a state of flow woth my life.

[ddontyyoukknow]

Bro I dont know what it is but im just gonna call it this prerfrontal cortex growth is realll. I feel so clear and happy and satisfied rn. its so great. I am realizing so may things 2016 is the yeear of just realizing stuff. I feel more and more the ability to make peace with where I am. that ability. and i feel like im able to move more efficiently. its like im shifting and distilling the things i do and my goals to only the stuff I myself care about ad am more and more removing the need to make mty decisions ad base my life on the feeling and opinions on others with really string opiions. namley my dad! I am paarting ways in a sweet way and being pure and true to myself and getting to know myself adn who i am and what i like and i just feel so full of interesting things to do and enjoy! <3

[ddontyyoukknow]

I need that sweet blue screen on my face and in my cornias its an addiction and i need to shut off my brain. i cant think. did you see there are starting to be buds on the trees? I have a magic magic 8 ball, i cat find my other slipper and i'm waiting for my airpods to charge enough to listen to a video in the background while i clean, i dont feel like i can otherwise due to the ambient sadness and fear that covers me. i just watched uncut gems and the end was awesome although the whole middle was team too much

[ddontyyoukknow]

soo because of my capricorn moon, i am affected by the start of aries season plus eclipse season plus mercury retrograde, which means i will be powerful and i will work on stuff i have i the past put off, but i will also be very volitile and emotional. there u go. i shall eat then speak on my plan to become a slay queen

[ddontyyoukknow]

a wave

I hadn't realized just how many self improvement challenges i embark myself on until now! I was reading over a letter i was writing to my 30 year old self that is comprise of 3 entrees and in all of them i am doing a challenge and in the first two i didn't actually finish them like i actually gave up of them but i feel like during every attempt at a challenge that i do, rather than getting my entire life together i learn one thing at a time and piece it together little by little and thats whats gotten me to the point where i am rn. i must not fret if i am not completing the challenges as a whole, and i must take it for what its worth, adjust and continue. I am at a point of acceptance and gratitude and appreciation. I am fixated on going on lavish vacations and having a fabulous life. i want to go to japan and hawaii and france and i want to have a walt disney world vacation and i want to live in nyc and i want all my money ( a-lot of it) to come from my art. is that too much to ask. I think i am morphing into that person slowly and i think in this transformation the journey matters more than a transformation bc it will be me doing so many 180's. I have already changed so much in the past couple of months. I have garnered more and more maturity and so much patience and love for myself that my broken relationship with hard work and cleaning has started to heal in big ways- something like this is not accounted for in past challenges ive done and is very telling of why it didn't work out- I am still riding the high of cleaning up and flossing and showering and doing my chemical peel and shaving the other night! god did that feel good. I was feeling so horrible and i still got stuff done. thats something i havent expressed in these terms before but i sometimes feel so bad in my body when my mind is ok and wants to get up to do things and the number one thing i feel it could be rn is the whole way that my brain is structured into victim mode and how it expects everything to go awry. literally everything. i have felt this so deeply that i use to live in constant panic and learning about how untrue it is has been magical. little by little i come into power of myself and i learn that things are not scary or impossible. more and more i step forward to do things i once found scary and more and more i learn that there is nothings i cant do. which then brings me back to the mindset of wanting to start a challenge. its definitely a way for my brain to feel like its taking control of my life and its outcomes by telling it this is exactly what the next 3 months will look like when i know at this point that my spirit will take me on a joyride and will show me and give me wonderful things that i didnt even know i wanted. but yet the challenge will give me some structure to base my days on and at least for the first couple of days while its still fresh it should offer some excitement. i will say as well before talking about this challenge that i have a therapist/ doctor/gym/dentist/lawyer for the first time now! i got a teeth cleaning, a checkup, bloodwork, help with nutrition and i go to therapy every week. just having someone to listen to me has been so healing and nice. another highlight of my life right now has bee finding a community art studio where cool artist hang out to create, they meet every Wednesday. there is also aztec dance class every thursday i really want to go to, and i just went to the art institute with teddy it was so inspirational, i 2 weeks ago got to see the strokes!! and in about a month im going to see ESTERHICKS! when i found out she would be in town i almost had an existential crisis at work. teddys bday is in a couple weeks and idk what he wants to do. there must be something in the star rn. apparently for those of us that pluto in capricorn affected, the waves are leaving us and the astrological new year has happened and everything that we want and everything that we have worked hard for will start to come to us and our lives will 180 this year. its just in the stars. let me see...

[ddontyyoukknow]

That sounds a little dramatic, i guess i want to put my best foot forward now to try and continue a really good relationship with my daddy :) ♥️

[ddontyyoukknow]

Im in Savannah btw! Talk w dad went pretty well :) he said i really hurt him with my messages and i apologized and he said its ok :) i am ok accepting that he is a man with quirks and who am i to try and meld him into something digestible for me just because he tried to do that to me? I ultimately just want to focus on the happy times because i think ive missed out on that for a while. Ester hicks says that trying to get other people to truly "understand" you isnt really possible. So i cant continue to try and hold him responsible for how i felt, regardless of the fact that he caused it. He tried his best! He wasnt necessarily delt the best hand and he tried his best with what he had. Anyway, i said what i said and i feel like im able to move forward because i got it all out and now i am ready to see what a friendship with my dad looks like :) post text war :0

[ddontyyoukknow]

Life gave me so much grief in the relationship department and so much self conciousness and so little confidence in myself butbit made up for it by making my perfect love so sweet. Ny love is so perfect he would peel and orange for me. He would house me and feed with no sign of me actually being able to make the money back or being able to make the money back. Right now i am on a train with like puke on the ground everywhere but it doesnt smell. I wouldnt risk trying to get on another train, once you get a train that doesnt smell thats a jackpot right there! Might there be puke on the bottom of my suitcase? Sure. I followed a couple onto the train and they had immediately flinched at the sight of the traincar we were originally getting on and quickly switched to another car. I followed. They got off at the next stop into the unknown of the next traincar. My baby could be operating this train for all i know! Jk i know hes worling on yhe pink like today.

[ddontyyoukknow]

I have such a desparate hurt feeling in my heart that I just cant pin point what it is or how I can get it out. It makes me tired. And it aches. I know being hungry isnt helping but its there. it makes my brain foggy and my mind slow. it makes my soul ache and it makes me feel like I can burst into tears at any moment. I dont know what it is I dont know where it is coming i just am waiting for it to be over and I dont know what will help facilitate that and ignoring it has ot helped i feel like i wat to let it all flow out of me and be clean. I am so sad I'm truly melencholy. I'm just fucking sad I'm sad I've been negative for so long I' so sad about how distant I've been from so much I love I'm just so so sad. I feel like being dead would hurt less. I have this crazy amount of things I want to get done and maybe that amount of pressure is crushing me. I also did have beef with my dad but i squashed that as best I could I said all I needed to and I still feel like this. I dont know what to do. I need to shed it all I know it Im jumping the gun, I need to start clean. I need to get rid of all unnessicary apps i need to turn off my phone I need to meditate more ad I eed to focus on me. I need to love me.

[ddontyyoukknow]

hi dad, apparently i hurt you when i told you about everythig that you did to hurt me ad its not my intention to keep the cycle going. my intention is to help d it, my intentio is to end it for me. i am looking to be myslef ot be the full emodyment of myself. I am not looking to be mean. I want to find understanding before i find friendship. I dont think that i need to force myself to accept everythig i thik alot is goigo ad i thik that i eed to release control i dont know what will happen or how things will get fixed all i know is that I find peace in myself and through me alone. I am the one who decides what i let into my life and energy. and it is my intention right now to soothe myself and feel better about it and raise my vibration deliberately which means that my vibration will attract accordingly. my point of attraction is my grid. and i have decided right now that my energy is mine ad yours is yours and i will take responsibility for mine. i am so happy ad excited for the future. i am happy. I love my life and I love myself. I think you will be okay adn i am excited to keep my high point of attractio ad to randevoux with you whenever it is the best for both of us adn it is fun and happy and in that place there is an abundance of understanding. I love you i love myself i love the world and i am grateful

[ddontyyoukknow]

$20,000 on his music streams and shows he has been playing. and from my shows and music ive made about another $7k this couples weeks. We have been asked to also play a couple songs at one of the events were attending. one that teddys mom and dad are going to. we are excited to have breakfast with them tomorrow morning. december is the best time to visit miami. i recall the misty humid air gracing my ostrils back at the restaurant and i feel so grateful and so lucky.

[ddontyyoukknow]

111 portal/ Cap new moon manifestation

There are several diffferent glimpses of desires and that i have in my life. some bucketlist goalas for the next 1-5 years

eat a papaya at a farmers market in hawaii

have flower delivery for my birthday

have more than one cake on my birthday week

move to new york city

be represented by top gallery

be featured in art basel

travel to japan

visit mexico

get permanent residency

do vouge beauty vid

have capsule worderobe

have 100k personal ig

have 30k zine ig

have a disney vacation

I see myself waking up in my 3 bedroom nyc apartment that is all tidy and has quirky cute interior design, I wake up ad go to my big kitchen and look out at my home art studio that is a a conservetroy and my home is filled with plants. today is the day i leave for art basel to do attend a couple sponsored events and do a panel and attend my art basel work opening. I drink my water and make my mushroom tea and while the water heats up i go into my bathroom and do my eeth hair skinacre and change. I put my clothes in the hamper and make drik my protein smotthie as well and brig my tea over to the table and start reading my book. I then grab my stuff and head to my workout class. I see my packed suitcase on the way out. I call my mom on my 15 min communte to the gym, we talk all about my recently sold paintings and my features in a couple of art and fashion magazines, I tell her my plans for the travel day ad how im excited that teddy is joining me and how im also excited for my diner resevatio later than evening. I do my workout and grab a post workout smoothie and a breakfast smoothie for teddy on my way back. i get back home I do a hair scalp oil and a heavenly hair mask and I wash my face and do an expensive facemask and Teddy and i sit down to eat together and talk about the logisitics of travel for the day. I then go take a shower with a high quality lucious smelling shampoo ad coditioiner i shave and do a body scrub, and then i wash my body out of the shower i put on a luxurious body oil and I put on my travel attire then i do my hair routine and I just love how bouncy and wild my curls are <3 i then think about how excited i am to be flying first class and how nice it is that a brand im sponsored by is paying. I do a little bit of makeup and I put on my jewlary. I then go into my office and respond to dome emails and get a bit of work done for the day, advancing for the next week. then i lose myself in art for a couple of hours. the its time to head to the airport. I grab my packed snack box my luggage ad i pack my purse and shoulder bag. we give coffee and lemon a last treat adn cuddle and were off for a week. teddy brings his laptop to work on some music hes producing. teddy has been playing some shows arounf town and has 20k listeners a month on spotify. we take an uber to jfk and wait in the delta lounge for 1.5 hours while our flight starts boarding. i catch up on some readig and have my lunch as well as drik some water. before boarding i go to the restroom then we board oneto out first class seats. we are given warm balnkets and large seats. I put on my eyemask and i do an hour long yoga nidra with some overear headphones. when we land i put on my red pael glasses and we take an uber to out hotel. they go us a huge suite with a tub and a king size bed. when we arrive the brand has laid out flowers a welcome/ congradulations card/ some goodies including some products to use and a set of pj's for teddy and i. we unpack and change into a tshirt and climb into bed, have a snack and watch a little tv with teddy and i take a small nap. then and i change into a sexy shimmery maxi cocktail dress for dinner and i keep my hair wild and i touch up my makeup with a bold lip. Teddy takes some pics of me for my ig and we take some ouples ones too and we walk over to out restaurant which is close. we are so excited because were so hungry. we have the most delicious meal in the most elegant restaurant. we head back to the hotel and go straught into the hot tub for a little since we had out suits under our clothes we head back up and shower off the day and head to sleep. i do a quick meditation before bed. I check my bank account and $40,000 were just depoisited from my art sales from last month. We are expecting huge sales tomorrow at art basel as i am a greatly anticipated artist, I scroll my statement and am amazed at how well things lines up this month and how these past 2 weeks i had also gotten paid $15,000 for a sponosrship as well as $10,000 for ig viewership and $20,000 from zine and merch. teddy has also made about

[ddontyyoukknow]

hey hey hey its been a long time since i came around my n key is kind of broken so keep that in mind while reading. there are two things as of late I have started doig that has hugely imporved my wellbeing overall ad weather those things happened because i turned 25 and my prefronal cortex finished developing idk but i started actually meditating and have drasticlaly reduced my screentime by utilizing my light phone, and cleaning my house and going to the gym and i have the intention to start a well relationship with my art. I started a huge overhaul where i first literally cleaned every corner of my apartment it took me an entire week and a very runny nose but we made it out! then when i reduced my screentime i would get home and turn off my iphone and for like 3 days while i was home i tride to do my tasks with more intention and without any music or anything in the backgound. i believe that gave me the strength and desire to start meditating consistantly today is day 7 of meditating everydayi believe. at some point i decided that all these random goals I gave myself where i would try to control my whole life in a single moment where ot worth it anytmore and i finally gave it up - as much as i could its still a prtactc- but i now listen and i try to tune in adn honor what i want to do without judgemnt. at first i just played videogames for days at a time but it was an activitiy with intentionrather than dumb unconcious impluse that socil edia is. now im moving towards being creative, not quite working on stuff and being "prodictive" or making money but i must be patienct and know that it is all in perfect timing. and eventually ill unlearn the fake importence of productivity adn making money. it all started when i wanted to do the tht girl challenege meaning i wanted an overhaul of my life i wanted a clean slate i wanted to start clean in order to create the ife i have always wanted! and i am well on my way now. i am so excited and its been fun learning about the wonders aligning hard work with a good goal with inspiration could do for you. hard work (when done properly) really is the zest of life. i cant wait to check in in 2 months and talk about when i have accomplished. right now its dec 14 7:06 pm today is day one off out of three <333 today i woke up at 10 and got ready cleaned up BECAUSE I CLEAN NOW and i went to target with teddys money to pick up some xmas goodies and gifts! i wanna finish writing a letter to my 30 year old self, i made some clay gifts for my friends to give ot them at my CHRISTMAS PARTY ON THE 22, IM SO EXCITED Im learing about the power of doing what i like ad am good at beaise that is what truly bigns happiness and after trying to deprive myself rom it i relaized how much of a gift hosting is. i think ill need to find a balance beasue i still want to pay off my debt and have a savings and invest and be able to retire, but its a balance i am excited to figure out. i wanna move to nyc soon and make alot of money woth art and be represented by a gallery soooyeah <3 ill keep ya posted

[ddontyyoukknow]

its me its me its me its me tis me tis me itsme tis me itsm emtis me tie ms its me tism eits eitsm eitsm e itsm e its me its me its me its me its me its me tis me tisme tis met stierj

[ddontyyoukknow]

Slowly coming into this reality i want to be in

[ddontyyoukknow]

i dont know what to do anymore. i am jsut a shell of a person. i am born to b confused born to be denyed in every way possible inclusing iwth reality itslef. for the rest of my life i havebeen taken awayt he privelige to experience life as a whole ecperience adn instead it feel like a dream as in it feels half baked in my brain like i am living in my head nanotnot in this real world. i will never be able to sleep again i will never be understood. anything good that happens to me will be fluke and i can start forgetting ym dreams. i can start letting go of them. i am no longer the dream keeper. i am no longer the celebrator. i was not protected my community didnt do its job my inner child moght be dying and i am to be left an empty shell with no more dreams and only death and discomfort. the most cruel of deaths for the person whos season is over for the person who has no care from noone from the person who is forever to be neglected. i belong in the streets where the people who believe that noone cares live. that is where my beliefs are slowly to take me. to the place where noone can care. where i can fully aling myself with my beiefs. this must be where everyone wants me. where illl take up the least space. if you cant have all of me take none of me. iam not rhg tfor you find some one else. i am done with everything. i give up. i am done. i no longer want anything its too hard to wish and keep it alive. you all have failed me and i have faile dmyself. 

[ddontyyoukknow]

i am more confused baffled and abgry than i am sad rn. i am upset thati cant type.i am hungry an why am i hungry in the middle of the night, how can i have a nice house one day. how cani have a rich mom.how can i go to africa. how cani have a mom who is not a shell of her true self. am i doomed to mourn for her inlife. am i just doomes to mourn as the only eson who sees things as they can be. am i doomed to hate. it feel lieki am doomed to hate everytign an everyone. the fact i am not typig perfectly is angerin gme. the fact i havet been to disney?? why why i fi love oto so muh how come i havent had the chancw to go how come i have been rejected the chanve to see my ittl sister the one person who cares for me. how come? how come i havelost all my good momentum how m=come i must always allow myself to be so lost why cant i be found. its not fair. if i done deserve to be found i am the most deservin gperson to be found. i am the mst deserving person to be found if i am not found then noones else should be it jist doesnt make any sense.