dearhassy

[dearhassy]

27/4/24

Dear Hassy,

When I’ve been talking to God recently, I’ve been begging him that one day when I have a son you’ll come back as him. Maybe it sounds weird but that way I could love you unconditionally and take care of you until I die. Mainly so I could take care of you and make sure you’re happy and healthy like I wish I did a better job at in this lifetime. We always used to talk about moving away together and how I’d make our meals and we’d love our kids together, and I can’t imagine feeling like I want that with another person for a really long time.

Sometimes when I’m driving I talk to you, as if you can hear me… where are you?? I really wish I knew.

[dearhassy]

27/4/24

Dear Hassy,

I’ve been doing much better this past 3 or so weeks. It’s weird, finally feeling like I’m actually okay, when I genuinely believed I could never go back to normal. But I am going back to normal, and sometimes I’m feeling happy and sometimes even close to content. I still feel like I don’t really know who I am though, but I’m working on it. Going into town doesn’t seem as terrifying anymore, and some days I’m able to have fun and enjoy myself even. I’ve been spending heaps of time with Georgia, doing things you’d probably disapprove of- I’m sorry! And even seeing pattrixe and Nicole maybe once a week. I might not have many friends, but I feel like these three are good friends and I feel comfortable with them. It’s really so weird how the memories begin to fade; November memories slowly become less confronting and scary and now it feels like so long ago that we were in love with each other and talking every day. I still do really miss you, and not a day has passed that I haven’t thought about you. I really wish I believed that you were somewhere else now and I even went to church with the hopes I could convince myself that you’re somewhere waiting for me- but the truth is i just can’t get myself to believe it :/ I think that maybe I’ll meet you in someone else, and I’ll recognise you but you won’t remember me…

Anyway, I love you so so much.

[dearhassy]

4/4/2024

Dear Hassy,

Today Kuma died. Helen and my dad took her to the vet because she was acting sick and all of a sudden her heart stopped and they were giving her CPR. Much like people did to you, too. I feel really confused about her dying. Sad, of course, but mainly it just makes me think life is such a weird thing. When I think of her being gone though, it brings my mind back to you. Because its another change that's happened since you left, and I don't like that. All my family is really sad about it. I'm going to really miss her too, but a big part of me wishes I would feel more sad about it, just so for once in so long I could finally be sad about something other than you. But compared to the pain I've experienced the past 4 months in all honesty... this just doesn't scratch the surface. Maybe that's why I just feel a bit disconnected from it. I hope Helen will be okay, I know she's really upset but I'll do my best to be there for her, like she was for me. In the past we had a few ups and downs but at the end of the day I'm lucky to have a good sister like her and I really want her to be happy. This will be a big blow to her happiness, but I hope it won't last too long.

Well, I might not be able to love Kuma here, but I wonder if you met with her today, probably you were surprised but I feel happy if you got to see her and have some company. Please don't forget about me, Hass.

[dearhassy]

3/4/2024

Dear Hassy,

This weekend I went camping for the Easter weekend. I thought about you a lot. I thought about how we always talked about going camping together someday, and I thought about my life a lot. Now that I don't talk with you, my life is so quiet, and sometimes I think of it as so boring. Anyway, I've been telling myself that for this year, being bored is okay, its good to be peaceful and have no drama. I'll work hard this year so that when I move away it will be easy and all the fun I'll have will make up for the struggle of this year. I think I dream about you just about every night, and I wish I knew I was dreaming though so I could pour my heart out to you and you could respond back to me. I really wonder where you are and all the time I pray that one day I can see you again because I miss you so, so much.

[dearhassy]

3/4/2024

Dear Hassy,

I've been really busy at work the past few days, but I've been thinking about what you would always say to me. You'd always say to me something along the lines of 'I'm just at work to make my money, not to have fun', and when I'd complain to you at not wanting to go to work you would say to me, 'well when I'm at work at least I'm doing something good for me, what else would I be doing?', and this has been motivating me, you were right. I really miss you. It's been four months since I last talked to you, and these days I'm so afraid of forgetting things about you or changing in a way that you wouldn't be able to recognise me anymore. I'm working hard, saving my money and being by myself, I hope in a way that you would be proud of.

[dearhassy]

27/3/2024

Dear Hassy,

Since arriving back to Australia I've gotten back into my routine. I got a job at a pharmacy different to before (although I'm finding it pretty boring...), and I usually work four days a week. I had never gone into this pharmacy before working here, but I think you had once, one time when I waited in the car for you. My first week at work was really tough, honestly I would cry on the way thinking about you, and again on my drive back home thinking about you again. Since being back I go running a lot, and I spend time with Helen and Agri. Sophie moved out, and I moved into her room. I'm sure you'd know I don't mind not having Sophie at home... anyway its nice and private upstairs which I enjoy.

[dearhassy]

27/3/2024

Dear Hassy,

It has been almost a month since returning from Japan. After you left, my parents put me right on a flight straight away and I didn't talk to anyone for ages. I wasn't coping well with everything happening, but being in Japan was the best thing I could have done. I spent lots of time praying, and lots of time talking to you. Some days I went to a Japanese lesson and other days I went shopping with my mum, some days I spent the entire time in bed.