dearhummingbird

[dearhummingbird]

RENWAL: 1961 THE VISIBLE DOG Assembly Kit

[dearhummingbird]

Textile artist Anna Fiedler’s home in Fitzroy North, Melbourne, Australia

[dearhummingbird]

had another dream about my TEETH. again! this time it was because “you have low blood pressure”???

[dearhummingbird]

saw Parul Sehgal and Wesley Morris on my first trip to NYC.. i was STRUCK seeing them

[dearhummingbird]

what podcasts have you guys been listening to? 💕💕💕💕

[dearhummingbird]

i can’t help this crushing feeling of not being important anywhere to anyone at any given point of time

[dearhummingbird]

what fantasy books should i be reading? would wolf hall be too much if i’m trying to read something escapist?

[dearhummingbird]

i just feel like you have to be self-effacing to truly be intimate with people.. if not i am constantly wondering why i am not specific or irreplaceable or outstanding to someone and that comes out it some awful ways

[dearhummingbird]

ive always had this deep rooted understanding that if you are unhappy you could destroy everything good in your life.. that’s what happened to my mom (though it didnt happen to my dad)..

[dearhummingbird]

sometimes it feels like every second i have with someone is overwhelmed by this feeling that anything i do could make me replaceable. like every interaction is a test to evaluate whether i am worthy of being in someones life or not.. which yes i guess sometimes it is but most of the time it’s not that dire, though if feels like it.

[dearhummingbird]

Advent, Heather Christle

#poetry

[dearhummingbird]

all the books i’ve picked up this year but never went past 20-50 pages:

jack by marilynne robinson

cold blood by truman capote

the hatred of poetry by ben lerner

appropriation by paisley rekdal

fire sermon by jamie quatro

runaway by alice munro

im sure there is more but can someone just tell me why i cant finish a whole book and how do i move on with this

[dearhummingbird]

watched He’s Just Not That Into You and The Fault in Our Stars yesterday.. vv good

[dearhummingbird]

maybe i just want to go home and find a home and hope you see that i want a home in you. i want a home in anyone

[dearhummingbird]

i miss J

[dearhummingbird]

today was full of thought. i thought on the bus ride to the station, on the train to work, on the walks i took to the toilet, on the train home, at home, i dont even remember coming home. everything is strange. i want to try to describe the strangeness the best way i can; sometimes i realise that my mind is hooked onto a particular thing and i forget what it is so i have to backtrack my thoughts till i can hold that bait in my hand, or i can point at it and say, A ha! once i find it i feel the distance between myself and the problem close. i feel oh, there it is, this is the problem. the problem with all of this, this narration, this text, this post, is that i will never disclose the actual problem, not even to my future self. she may remember it but she may not, and if she does not then it evaporates, and all is well until the next thing comes along. i think alot about that quote in Lucy where she says something like people make big life changing decisions with the person their with after something horrible happens between them all the time.. im sure someone who is smarter than me can explain why. i also think alot about The Moons of Jupiter by Alice Munro where she says she never thought she would see her daughter give that look, that apologetic look you give your boyfriend when he is around certain people. that line makes me think of my mom, and every one i know whos ever had a boyfriend, including myself. because the line was said by the narrator about her daughter i cant help but think of how generational it is to have that look.

[dearhummingbird]

i’m genuinely unsure if this is normal or not but whenever i think about how when i really look at other people and think that they have the capacity to think and feel as much as i do i am completely bewildered at how we enter relationships with one another. every moment between two people could hold wildly different feelings and thoughts for them and it’s almost a miracle to know that relationships can happen.