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My hands are cold but damp. I hate how my eyes can form tears so frequently and easily, making me feel vulnerable and weak. Unable to control my emotions. Sometimes I sense myself starting to feel sad. Then I feel bad for feeling sad. I have no reason to feel sad because I am living a supposedly great life. One of my fears is being ungrateful because I do not respect people who forget to appreciate how privileged they are. But I am sometimes one of those people. I hate how I’m so emotional to begin with. I hate how I have already been failing at the goals I’ve set for myself this year. One of them being to stop using the word “hate” because it’s so strong. I don’t like the word “fail” either, but often times I just feel like a failure. I’m scared of disappointing myself and becoming a version that I don’t even like. And if I don’t like myself how do I expect others to accept and tolerate the way I am. I’m scared of not being accepted, of being forgotten, abandoned and so disposable. And I’m so so tired of waking up everyday with the tiniest fear of walking outside and being judged. I project myself as a semi-confident, carefree person but it freakin sucks knowing that that can so easily change as I sit on my bedroom floor now. 

Regrets vulnerability mess emotions disposable ungrateful disrespected unsociable unlikable average untalented forgotten anxious unfair sad mad bad pathetic unmotivated adkfajkslrajsdkf these are the words that are spinning in my head right now and the word that I am most unwilling to say ever is depressed. Which I am not and I will never let myself be. I don’t know what I’m writing and I don’t even remember what I started writing about because this all feels so trivial and fleeting, and I would never want to share these thoughts with my parents or roommates or people in my toxic business fraternity because I can’t. lol here i am being ungrateful again bc i undeniably did gain so much from dsp but sometimes it just sucks thinking about it. the values, people, rush process, asjkdf;. i keep fluctuating between excitement and gratuity and then regret i can’t stop it as much as i want to. UGH. I. WANT. TO. STOP. OVERTHINKING. AND. JUST. BE. HAPPY. I literally was like 24 hours ago and idk what changed maybe i’m tired and sleep deprived or just too sensitive at the small interactions and fucking insecure. i hate myself for being so overly insecure, emotional i hate being s e n s i t i v e 

ok literally what’s wrong with me i just reread this hahahaha i have issues

how can i go from being so pumped and motivated to the worst slum

[dearrachell-blog]

2019 New New

"Resolutions” is a daunting term and I feel like it adds even more unnecessary pressure to “change” and instantly create a better version you. So instead of creating a list of “2019 New Years Resolutions,” I’ll leave the end hanging and open to interpretation. I know it’s hard to remember and keep up with a looong list of items throughout the months, weeks, days even. People suggest keeping this list nice and concise. But my list is tailored for me made by me, and it encompasses a few aspects that I want to work on or simply be more cognizant of throughout the year. (subject to change of course)

Some short-term goals for the remainder of my student-life:

-Finish college off strong with my 3.5 GPA (how unfortunate that one of my goals values this misleading, deceptive number; wanting this to be a better reflection of my work ethic whilst diagnosed with a mad case of senioritis)

-Finish Auditing and Attestation (one part of the four part CPA) during the Spring semester

-Sleep before 1AM on school nights

To mold a more wholesome ME: -preface- setting my expectations low or perhaps more realistic... we shall see the outcomes as these next few busy months consume what’s left of my sanity-

-Gym at least once a week 

-Minimize snacking sporadically on junk throughout the day and lessen the impact my fluctuating emotions have on my diet; consistency is key

-Read a new book every month

-Reduce screen time to two hours a day as opposed to my four hours wasted on pointless social media currently

-Lent this year!!- Give up snapchat and instagram for the allotted time (idk how long this usually lasts call me ignorant in religion see if I give a -care-). More importantly, disconnect from toxic social media more often.

-Censor my language aka less potty-mouth Rach! 

-Practice calligraphy to practice being more in control of my hands to minimize my involuntary shaking

-Reduce speaking with filler words

-Replace “I’m sorry” with “Thank you”. I’m much much too much of a pushover, and most often, my “sorries” aren’t even sincere -emphasis on lower-case “haha”-

-Invest quality time, emotions, and words in my friends

-Be grateful for the impact my friends had in my life and learn to let go. Without each individual, I wouldn’t be exactly who I am today.

-Sit in coffeeshops alone with a book. And sit comfortably.

-Frequently remind my parents that I’m thinking about them

-Reflect with one sentence per day

-Stop being a bum and wake up before 10AM everyday to enjoy and soak in the DAMN sunlight while I can

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Madrid, Spain

01/28-02/01

My stay in Madrid flew by to say the least, and it’s crazy to fathom how quickly I fell in love with the city especially in such short duration. The first night Katie, Val and I arrived several hours earlier than the rest of our group, so we checked into our Airbnb and found a nice, authentic restaurant to eat at. My rice dish tasted so good, I will definitely be missing rice throughout my stay as I don’t have a cooker here in Vienna and Asian white rice can rarely if even be found. At dinner, the employees sang feliz cumpleaños to one of their coworkers, and their loving, family-like interactions made my heart happy. Finished dinner off with complimentary palate-cleansing warm green juice shots that were so yummy! 

The next day was jam packed as our entire group woke up early to make the most of our precious time there. Breakfast at Pum Pum Cafe was so nice- would highly recommend the coffee, avocado toast, benedict, and desserts there! We trekked over 25,000 steps this day just walking through the entire city. A few destinations we stopped by were Plaza Mayor, the Royal Palace, Jardines de Sabatini, Mercado de San Miguel, and the Temple of Debod to watch the beautiful sunset. It was incredible to see these sights before my own eyes as I had only seen them through photos and snapchat videos before. Everything seemed to come to life and I fell silent during some parts of the day just in awe of my surroundings. At nighttime, while the rest of my group went to El Tigre, I decided to meet up with one of my friends from home. It was so nice being able to talk openly with Christine and not feel like I had to invent forced conversation every time I opened my mouth. It’s comforting to acknowledge that we’re in similar situations, social-wise, and I’m gradually accepting the fact that it’s alright if I don’t make lifelong friends while I’m here, granted I’ve only met half of our Vienna program thus far. What’s most important is that I make the most of my experience and accomplish all of the things that I want to do while abroad. I’m going to grow very comfortable spending time by myself this semester, and that is perfect okay. Anyways, together we walked around Centro and indulged in delicious gelato from Mistura and churros from Chocolatería San Gines. Will definitely revisit those places later on.

Our second full day in Madrid was also an adventure as we checked off Puerta Del Sol and row-boating through Buen Retiro Park. Having the liberty to go wherever whenever with no rigid agenda has been refreshing and I’m happy to have shared these moments with my new semi-friends. We’re getting there. One of my favorite activities while visiting a new location is just sight-seeting and walking into random stores and sparking conversations with strangers. There doesn’t have to be an exact activity involved, the exploration is enough. For breakfast we ate at La Libre and for lunch, TAKOS, both of which were well worth the wait! In the evening was our much awaited Tapas Crawl!!! Our tour guide, Raúl, was a blast and we were joined by another couple on their honeymoon. I learned that there are more than 2,000 beer taps just within Madrid, and I also learned how to properly test for good red wine. I looked at our second glass of red wine in front of a white napkin, and smelled the aroma of berries, chocolate, leather, nuts, and “bullshit” according to Val hahaha. After 3.5 hours and 5 stops of engorging in authentic tapas and wine, I felt utterly stuffed. My favorite dish would probably have to be the pork belly from our second stop. Ended the crawl with a nice buzz and full stomach. Following this, I wish we would have gone home to settle down and get ready, but we immediately went straight out to Dubliners, where I met up with Cho and Murph (brothers abroad!!!), and then to StarCoyote. I have to admit I was feeling a bit awkward because I didn’t know as many people as the others did I wasn’t dressed for the occasion. The fact that my roommate was much more drunk than I was and trampling all over me was also highkey annoying. The night ended with me and Madeleine sitting on the sidewalk partially sober waiting for our uber home while the others very drunkenly clambered into the first car. It was a memorable night without a doubt and I did meet a few new friends along the way, but I’m starting to recognize who I want to grow closer with and who I am ambivalent about. 

The next morning was sloooow as my Airbnb mates woke up in random intervals, many of whom were hungover messes. But I spent the morning in getting ready and getting my things together as a few others went out to breakfast. I needed the extra hour to spend organizing myself. Half the group left to fly to Seville and the rest of us grabbed lunch and checked into our hostel for the night. I learned that Menu Del Día is not a restaurant, but actually is a deal that various restaurants offer for 11 euro hahaha the more you know! But regardless, the cheese and paella that we shared for lunch that day was so tasty. I took my first siesta later that day after checking into our hostel. While Katie and Val went out to hang out around Centro, I happily hung out with Christine again!! Grabbed Walk to Wok because we were craving Asian food, tracked down the oldest restaurant in the world founded in 1725, Sobrino de Botín, and went shopping along Gran Vía. It felt so comfortable being around genuine company and I litttterally cannot wait until we travel together in the near future.

Note to self: Go to airports early even though in Europe, the check-in and security process isn’t as long as they are in the US. The morning was semi-stressful because we totally disregarded traffic and thought we were going to miss our flight back home to Vienna. But luckily we made it just in time woohoo. Another observation, 3 of the 4 ubers that we took during our stay were Teslas like what the heck bougie!! Apparently the cars aren’t the owners, but are provided by the company. 

There’s so much about Spain that intrigues me. The lifestyle there seems slower paced and the lifestyle surprisingly reminds me of that in Taipei where the convenience of walking everywhere and accessing little stores is evident. At the same time, there is so much preserved culture to be reminisced and explored. I’m unsure if I’m so excited because this was my first abroad trip to a different country, but I definitely plan on revisiting Madrid to tour its other features, from renowned museums to rooftop bars to other areas of the city. Maybe I should have chosen Madrid as my first rather than second choice of host country. But who knows, SEE YOU AGAIN ESPAÑA.

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01/24- It’s halfway through ski week and I am so satisfied that we didn’t go out to ski later in the afternoon after class registration because my entire body is sore and the cookie-sized bruise on my butt is beginning to turn purple. But anyways, the beer in Austria is bomb (bless the Radler) and I’m tryna leave Europe as a huuuuge beer girl. Prost!

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Augustinerkirche, Vienna, Austria 

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I’m actually studying abroad!

It’s still processing that I’m actually in Austria now. Studying abroad has been one of my dreams since high school and it’s surreal that it’s now coming true. All the hard work put into this process is coming to fruition and I’m beyond excited to see what the future brings.

Although I’m looking forward with an optimistic mindset, I have to admit I was feeling pretty anxious prior to leaving, almost even dreading my departure date and thinking about leaving the comfort of my home that I had gotten used to. I have two friends in my program who I know relatively well along with a few other acquaintances, but the other twenty-five or so students are complete strangers, and that intimidates me. The thought of leaving a good first impression, creating meaningful, lasting relationships, sharing a connection, and finding a travel buddy- all of those thoughts have been floating around in my head and stressing me out. But I know that with friendships comes time and experiences, and I’m sure everything will fall into place within the next weeks. 

Packing for this trip was stressful and arduous, and the two flights to get to Europe took a toll on my body for the first two days, but eeeep I am officially in an entirely different continent! The first two days were rough because of the rainy, gloomy weather. We spent much time running around the city trying to navigate our ways to administrative meetings, airbnbs, and so on while carrying our luggage. But the first night didn’t end up being too bad since my airbnb was surprisingly nice and the pizzeria my friends and I found was cozy and quaint. 

Traveling to the alps for ski week was also pretty tiring because of the multiple train rides, but I’m happy to say that I’m finally feeling a bit more settled and I am meeting more people in my program! I’ve definitely been on the more shy, quiet side, but I can feel myself opening up gradually and I hope that throughout the week, my relationships with the people I’ve met thus far deepens and we click well. Today was the first day of actually getting out onto the slopes, and it was a total bust. With a fierce blizzard, the visibility was terrible and we probably only spent a little over an hour outside. I’m currently in the beginner class, but I’m hoping that as the week progresses, I will work hard enough to get the hang of skiing to be able to ski with more friends who are more advanced than I am (hehe I’ve gone skiing once before and I remember really enjoying it but I totally suck now hehe). The weather tomorrow is supposed to be pretty bad as well as the blizzard persists, and I’m lowkey hoping that we’re not able to ski again so can just chill indoors, but that’s totally not the mentality I should have oh well I am fatigued. 

ANYWAYS, this first post was kind of depressing and makes me seem like I’m not enjoying my stay at all, but I actually am despite it not living up to my expectations just yet. This is just the very very beginning and I have five more months abroad. Things are looking up and I can’t wait for the adventures to come!!! I am incredibly blessed to be here.

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If happiness is only real when shared, then what’s this tease of emotion that I’m feeling now??? 

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Homework: A

Classwork: A

Project: A

Test: F

Final grade: F

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"Fuck school", I say as I do all my homework and aim for A’s

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Soft Spots

Definitely not mentally or emotionally prepared for the rapidly approaching end of the semester. The thought of moving out of my tiny dorm is bittersweet and draining, and the thought of saying goodbye for now to the next graduating class is unbearable. But despite these nagging feelings that are leading up to my implosion, I’m also craving a few pieces of home.

My family’s Christmas tree that’s decorated the same way every year, coming home for dinner to the smell of my mom’s cooking, my upstairs carpet, the rock climbing wall in the park next door, Starbucks and McDonald’s in TC, driving down Gilbert on a calm, quiet night, speeding through Malvern on the way to Troy, the breezeway, the comfort of Menna’s chaotic classroom, Tastea and buttload of fries, sitting on Newport’s pier with green Thai iced tea, Fullerton Road on the way to Vantage Point, Hsi Lai Shi temple during Lunar New Year, 99 Ranch Market, Karen’s backyard pool, Jeremy!!! & Christine’s presence of course, Rach’s comfortable mattress and the nights we used to “sleepover” to drink, watching fireworks at Downtown Disney, exploring DTLA only to always end up at Grand Central, Urthh late at night, crossing the bridge through the Financial District, the parking lot behind Kentros, Kentros pitas, the iHop where Robs and I ended up at one spontaneous night, early morning dog walking and breakfast, grabbing acai bowls at Huntington, heartwarming bonfires, walking around the park at night with my parents, Kenny’s backyard, Irvine Spectrum, the view from the rooftop of Birch.

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I hate that I’m dedicating a full post to recruitment...

but recruiting for internships has consumed most of my semester thus far and I have so many thoughts looking back on the process. The daunting, awful career fair seemed like it was just yesterday and I still vividly remember breaking out in cold-sweats and printing extra copies of my resume ten minutes before it all began. Over three hours spent in the crowded, gloomy gym, I walked out with several meaningful conversations, an awkward encounter with FTI lmao, and vague potential. Who would have thought that after six different interviews this air-headed girl with two thumbs would emerge from the other end headed towards the Big 4… not me!! A special and extra loud shout-out to the haterz that didn’t believe in me.

I am endlessly grateful for the opportunities that I have received after two and a half months of giving a professional front. But the stress and internal conflicts were undeniable, and the countless follow-up emails were draining.

I am grateful to have built genuine relationships with the professionals at Miller Cooper. From my very first exposure through SWB to Core Development Day over the Summer and the insane trek to Deerfield to meeting Todd to meeting Bailey, my experiences were wonderful throughout. If Big 4 doesn’t work out for me, I can definitely see myself working for MC long term, but who am I to predict anything at this point. I’m just glad to have not burned any bridges and to have gotten a better understanding of the meaning of mid-size.

I am grateful to have had the opportunity to struggle between committing to KPMG or PwC. There were a few shed tears, several overly-vivid and unnerving dreams, and much internal conflict, but there also developed fruitful relationships and opened doors. I wish things had gone more smoothly with PwC, but I guess at the end of the day everything happened for a reason. I’m a firm believer in hiring for fit and I’m disappointed that PwC would extend interviews on a rolling basis, to provoke candidates to get their hopes up, then tear them down by filling positions prior to giving all candidates the opportunity to interview final round. For cheeses sakes it’s the final round! I’m upset that I fell victim to that situation and it definitely dented my impression of PwC’s professionalism and focus on interns. However, I am glad that I was referred to the office in LA and was able to interview and visit the office (shout out to a spontaneous free trip back home)!! I need to stop feeling pitied and like an alternate choice, I’m trying to expunge this from my thoughts but the slight insecurity of not being good enough still exists. Was I rejected from PwC Chicago then reconsidered because of a last-minute withdrawal? Will I fit in better in Chicago versus LA? DID I MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION? Nonetheless I must remember that I am GRATEFUL to have connected with some very relatable Californians during my short stay.. maybe on a level that I’ll never achieve with Chicagoans but why must I think these negative thoughts.

I’m looking forward to discovering something new about me and about Chicago, and spending time getting lost and putting new puzzle pieces together. This Summer WILL be one for the books and I must stay confident in the fact that I paint my own future.

Go team KPMG!! #committed 11/14 11:38am 

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Shame on me for not better taking care of this simple, mundane journal of mine. As cliché as it reads on paper, life has been a whirlwind lately and there isn’t enough time to script and untangle my thoughts as they gradually blend together. But!! I’m tired of internalizing my feelings and experiences, and putting up with the feeling of regret as I overlook and ignore some things I would have liked to remember. Determined to binge write and throw the past few weeks and months up before more details in my life go to waste.

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Yo-sem-itty !!

It’s kind of sad to admit that as I grow older, the excitement of family trips has dramatically died down... it’s actually more than just kind of sad. With a family road trip, there is the guarantee of something not going completely as planned no matter how minor the detail and then my dad throwing an immature and tremendous fit. That always serves as the mood-killer, overshadowing the happy, serene moments of the trip, and dampening the impression of the national park, but looking back on those four days, I’m overall glad to have visited Yosemite with my parents for the first time in my life. 

Some highlights include: 

-Hours of dizzying driving through the mountains

-Hike up Vernal Falls, Dog Lake, etc.

-Comfortably eating food from Vons in our hotel room on our last night

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Sometimes I wish I remained on campus as an excuse for my failing friendships, but in reality I’m probably just too boring, air-headed and meaningless to keep in touch with hahahahahaha abandonment issues amiright 

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Summer ‘17 Repeats

The Fighter-- Keith Urban, Carrie Underwood

Nights With You-- MO

Lights Down Low-- MAX, gnash

Can I Be Him-- James Arthur

Anything Billy Currington

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Week 10- The Exit

A few days have gone by since I’ve been home and I’m still struggling to wrap my head around the fact that my first summer internship in Indy has officially come to a close. I’ve definitely gotten to realize how precious time is as the past ten weeks flew by! 

07/31-08/02- These days were filled with angst and excitement as final intern presentations began to occur one by one and mine was quickly approaching. There was still so much unfinished work to get done before my departure and a lot of personal items I wanted to get checked off my to-do list, but I still made time to attend every one of my fellow sophomore finance interns’ presentations! And I’m glad I did because it was so rewarding to be able to see my peers’ work come to fruition and learn about the different projects that they focused throughout the past weeks. They all rocked it! 

08/03- Today was the day of my final presentation, which luckily went by much more gracefully than all my run-throughs! Very grateful for the turnout and to see so many of my supporters present in one room, interns and CFR included, and my mentors and coordinator on the other end of the Skype call. Also very grateful for a select few people who helped me prepare beforehand with specific project details! Without them, I definitely would not have been as composed and knowledgable as I was, and I’m glad to have been able to bond with them a bit more. Following my final presentation (I was bouncing off the walls because I was so psyched to be done) was our last check-in with the sophomore case study, which seemed like wasted time quite frankly, but was still bittersweet. I wish the openness that I felt this last day was apparent from the beginning because I would have loved to bond with my mentors earlier. Later in the afternoon was the final intern celebration at Mr. Tequila’s which was actually a much more fun event than I had anticipated. Bonding with a few more junior interns and enjoying a few appetizers (unfortunately not drinks bc those margaritas looked bomb af), it felt so nice to unwind for the day and for the summer as we realized that we were all basically done with our ten week experience. I didn’t realize it at the moment, but now looking back I feel a bit sad because that event was probably my last time seeing those familiar faces.

08/04- My final day (and the day I took my Econ 302 final and got an A woohoo)!! Part of me definitely wishes that I had another few days to wrap up loose ends and say my final goodbye to people I had met over the summer, but of course I had to squeeze everything into one last day. Most of the day was me finishing up last minute my peer benchmarking project, which I totally should have done earlier on into the summer. For lunch, a few interns and I had our farewell lunch at Reveli, which I’ll miss dearly. And the rest of the day consisted of writing thank you emails to those in my department and to those who have guided me throughout. They definitely took longer than I expected as I was at a loss of words for a few impactful people. Finally right before the 4:00 check-out mark, I handed in my documents, parking pass, official Lilly badge, and work laptop. I made a final round of goodbyes, and was finally “escorted” out by Akane. I remember glancing behind me as I walked through and out of the buildings. Although there were days when I dreaded going into work, I will definitely miss the sight of those familiar halls that became home within ten short weeks.

To conclude my time in Lilly, I got refused at a bar, got drunk at home with those who became close friends, packed, got brunch at Milktooth the next morning, then hopped on the plane for home.

A few days have gone by since I’ve been home and I’m still struggling to wrap my head around the fact that my first summer internship in Indy has officially come to a close. I’ve definitely gotten to realize how precious time is as the past ten weeks flew by. I will treasure the professional and personal relationships that I made within this short time period and the memories that came along with them. The only word that can accurately describe how I feel now is bittersweet. Bittersweet about Lilly, the people, the culture, and ironically Indy, although I know I will not be returning to that state. Despite not falling in love with the city, a part of my heart now belongs to Lilly, and I am endlessly grateful to have received this meaningful opportunity. I’ve gotten a taste of the working life and I look forward to working with a purpose in the future.

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