depressed-lovatic

[depressed-lovatic]

remember when you used to go over to your friend’s house and you’d go down to the “computer room” to the dad’s old shitty desktop computer and sit on the giant black leather computer chair and your friend would show you charlie the unicorn and epic rap battles of history type of stuff on youtube while their younger siblings bugged you for a turn to use the computer

[depressed-lovatic]

how have you been?

[depressed-lovatic]

A lot of times I get this irresistible urge to end my life. The only thing that stops me is getting it wrong.

— someday that’s not going to be enough

[depressed-lovatic]

I'm tired... I want to fade into nothingness and not have to exist for a little while. I want to die but I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to sleep for a few months.

[depressed-lovatic]

when i was depressed those “reasons not to kill yourself” lists never helped.. maybe they do for some people but for me they actually made me feel worse. it was like….here’s a reminder that there are all these things other people find joy in that you can’t. with a sprinkle of guilt because “your family/friends will miss you.”

what i needed to hear, and so what i’ll tell any of you reading this who are in the same situation, was: a lot of people recover from mental illness and go on to live full lives. it’s quite likely that with treatment, a time will come when you won’t want to die anymore and you’ll find joy in everyday life. yes, you. stay alive for that possibility.

[depressed-lovatic]

I truly hate myself and how I am. I’m useless I ruin everything. I don’t deserve to be happy.

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the lea michele situation is actually a prime example of why we should be wary of performative activism right now. if you are supporting the cause by protesting, donating, posting your support, etc. that’s great! but this problem goes so much deeper than just police brutality.

every single non-black person who has posted #blacklivesmatter this week needs to take a step back and analyze whether or not their actions (not just their words) have shown that they truly believe that statement. it’s a clear and obvious choice to speak out against the brutal murder of an innocent man. however, if you are not making the obvious choice every day to speak up for us when your friends/relatives make racist jokes, if you are not listening to and respecting the black people you know in real life, if you have not sat down to analyze the ways you actively benefit from this system, if you have not worked to start unlearning the biases you were raised with, or if you thought “black lives matter” was a controversial statement until this week, do not pretend to care just because everyone is talking about it right now.

when these protests are over, there will still be many battles to fight. this is not a game, and this is not something you post about just for likes and clicks. if you are resting easy right now thinking that you’re “one of the good ones” for showing public outrage over a situation that should anger any reasonable person, you need to do more. racism is not something you can pick and choose when to be against. we don’t get to pick and choose when we experience racism. so if you’re going to get involved with this situation right here, right now, then you need to be ready to hold yourself and others accountable for anti-blackness in all other areas of your life.

[depressed-lovatic]

parents be like you can’t imagine how hard it is for us to deal with your mental illness

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you deserve someone who is sure about you.

[depressed-lovatic]

Relationships get so bananas when you start deciphering the other person’s love language.

Like I thought I was just acquaintances with this person because they never told me details about themselves and we just talked movies and writing . But then they made time to have coffee with me and they showed up out of breath because they ran. Like. RAN to be on time for coffee with me?

And I was like “i don’t mind waiting” cause I never want to run

But they said they wanted every minute they could get because I’m so busy usually

Which is when it clicked that I didn’t get how much they considered me a friend because I just straight away didn’t see MY signs of affection in them and went “cool! Casual buds it is.” But now that I’m seeing their signs of affection, I feel a little silly for dismissing them like that even though I felt like we could be best bros.

Anyway, some people show affection through time or intensity or commitment and not vocally. I really have to remember that!

[depressed-lovatic]

some of yall really think politics is only about the presidency and it shows when you say shit like “i dont like biden so i wont vote” get a motherfucking vibe check and go vote blue so we dont have a conservative majorty supreme court for the next 30 years holy shit

[depressed-lovatic]

this seems right