deprivedofmysanity

[deprivedofmysanity]

Straight up just don’t wanna live anymore. It’s sad but true.

[deprivedofmysanity]

Sanity

Not long until school’s over.

Well, mandatory education, because the relentless soul-sucking institution that plagues most of the country’s young accolades will infinitely continue until the eventual end of humankind. But for now, I just have a shit ton of work to do.

Goodnight.

[deprivedofmysanity]

Faith

I’m one of the friends everyone talks to for advice; I always talk to them about their shit and their problems and stuff, and help them. Usually quite a simple ‘you do you booboo’ kinda thing and that’s it.

I genuinely like making people feel happy and asking if they’re okay.

But no one ever asks me if I’m okay. Like properly anyway, like they really care, not some ‘Hey!! You okay??’ bs.

Worthlessness is probably the most optimum word to describe my predicament.

No one rates me... l i t e r a l l y no one that I want to anyway.

Of course my family is there to back me with my academics at my balls boarding school, and my best friend and other compatriotas make me smile and forget about everything and have fun once in awhile...

...but everything else is not so schmuck.

Have you ever been cheated on?

Have you ever been made worthless?

Have you ever wanted to die?

I’m alright for now, but there are times where I just wanna disappear or kill myself.

But I have to keep living.

Not because I want to, but because I don’t want to carry MY pain onto my best friends and my family because it’s not fair for them to carry MY burden of life.

One of these days, preferably soon, when most of my family die off or if we just lose connection altogether, I’ll kill myself. But until then, I’ll keep living for them.

Goodbye for now :)

[deprivedofmysanity]

Until the Rain Falls

17.2.19 at like 4 in the morning.

I wanna die. Not commit suicide because that would piss off my parents more so than they already are, being already livid at me due to my incapability to get what they think is a decent grade at my new school, but disappear. I don’t hate my life, actually quite the opposite it’s been what I could only describe as decent: I have a handpicked, adequate set of friends, a girlfriend (yeah I know, shocker) and, much to my parent’s dismay, I’m doing decent at school. However - not to be melodramatic - I feel like life has hit that ‘boring faze’ where everything’s just really shit and I have no choice but to go along for the ride, not to mention all the obnoxious troubles being a teenager has on you (whether due to your age or not). And I know everyone has problems and that they can be overcomed (because everyone has done it). I’m not looking for pity or wisdomous advice that will miraculously make me believe in God and that I have a purpose and I wasn’t an accident. But it’s gotten to the point where I’m just asking myself ‘what the fuck is even happening?’ And again I don’t want to kill myself, but I just want to find a solution (to this obsession of mine) on how to disappear from this world. No one missing me. No one mourning me. No one even remembering me. I genuinely, really want to leave this Earth. I am not a miracle and I do not have a purpose. I was just the mistake of my two loving parents getting frisky one night. Currently I seem to be living a repetitive, disfunctional life; bloody waking up at 7:00 in the morning to head to school only to be taught shit that either I don’t care for or don’t care to enough to learn (although my Film Studies is quite interesting). This amazing 5-hour amalgamation of stress and depression is topped off by a quick hour chill sesh, and then back into the fray with the hundreds of prep (aka homework) I am assigned to do every single day. Again this boarding school curriculum is quite an obnoxious one as it downgrades every single day of your supposedly miraculous life to just boredom. Straight up boredom. As well as academia being horrendous, the people here are complete aliens. The teachers (mostly Oxbridge taught) are complete bellends in the fact that they ignore the students that are struggling - to which I am one of them - to go on and complete the course, aiding the students that are completely on the ball and Einstein levels of genius (that honestly have a better shot at getting into a Russell Group university). Deadass, there are some smart fuckers in this school. Although the teachers seem like a pisstake, the students are even more alien than them. Being from a totally different area of the city, I am seen as an outsider to them. The school is filled with rich kids, but not stuck-up ones: 80% of the school are white, privileged children (to which their parents are either politicians or bureaucrats), 10% are rich Chinese kids, that I assume are coming to the city for the better education their parents want for them and the final 10% regarded as other: boarding students that aren’t from China, exchange students, visiting pupils that are only there due to their parents having a business trip to the city, as well as new boys (which includes myself). Oh right, did I mention I go to a boy’s school? Tragic.

[deprivedofmysanity]

day 37

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day 36 with my lil tinkerbells

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day 35

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day 33 in regents street

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day 32 as an aesthetic mf

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day 31 - daily thoughts

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day 30 at Oxfordshire

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damn chica.

[deprivedofmysanity]

then there comes a time you choose to not be so oblivious. so naïve. so, foolish. you learn that nothing lasts forever. not even you.

[deprivedofmysanity]

26 - take me to neverland.

[deprivedofmysanity]

okay.

[deprivedofmysanity]

25 - fuckmyliffffe

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'seeyonara'