devoid-of-colorr

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FUCK.

#ihatemyself #literallytheworst

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This is some bullshiiiiiiiiiiiiit

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Repeat after me

A guy doesn’t determine your self worth.

A guy doesn’t determine your self worth.

A guy doesn’t determine your self worth.

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Apparently I mean nothing to you if I’m so easily ignored.

Are you even hurting at all? Or are you just finally glad to be rid of me?

It hurts so much seeing that, in the grand scheme of things, you don’t care.

This isn’t just loneliness because I crave you, not just any person. Do you crave me too?

What is there to figure out, anyway? If you truly loved me, you would work with me and fight tooth&nail to make it work. Instead, you’re giving up and leaving me to pick up the pieces. Alone.

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Maybe you didn’t love me as much as I thought you did; if I’m so easily cast aside.

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you deserve to never have to guess how much you mean to somebody.

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i am terrified by how quickly people change their minds. it fucking terrifies me to think about letting someone in and trusting them and then them just changing their mind about me. and it terrifies me because it’s happened too many times

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Did i ever really mean anything to you? Was I just something to occupy your time with when it was convenient for you? Was I just for sex? Did you really love me or was that something you said because that’s what you thought I wanted to hear? Did I mean that little to you?

I thought this was only going to last a week but it’s been about 5 weeks and I can’t understand why you haven’t reached out. Was it really that easy to cut me out? Are you feeling as broken as I am? Everyday I think of things I want to tell you or things that remind me of you and sometimes it takes me a few seconds to realize I don’t have you anymore. Then reality hits and I’m devastated all over again.

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I don’t know why I thought I would hear from you after you went to New Orleans. I didn’t even realize I was hoping until after. Now all I’m left with are questions and loneliness and sadness.

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There are so many things I want to tell you: Part 2

- I’m doing my first assessment session tomorrow with a real client and I’m super nervous

- I was in the library today on the 2nd floor and my computer case fell to the first floor without me realizing it until 2 hours later and I had to go to the desk to get it

- I actually went out this weekend for a cohort thing and drank but also missed you

- Charlie is so good and cute

- I made this really yummy apple bread

- my dissertation draft was the best start of “any second year ever” according to my advisor

- the clinic I’m doing my research at hasn’t emailed me back and I’m frustrated

- I’ve been able to play the remastered crash bandicoot game

- we hung out with J’s friends and it was a good but also weird time with weird maybe flirting and a lot of “taint swamps”

- I actually have been participating and talking in some of my classes

- I’ve started coloring and it’s been really relaxing

- I want to a makers market and got a candle called fancy shampoo and a shirt with nipples on it

- i tried some coffee today and it wasn’t awful/unbearable

- Jenns instagram got hacked by a Russian pornstar and she can’t get it back

- I’ve been trying to dress cute lately and I’ve been trying out new makeup things

- I got a cute shirt with cats on it and some shark socks

- I miss you

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a fools guide to not wanting to die anymore

by me, a fool who doesnt wanna die anymore 

never make a suicide joke again. yes this includes “i wanna die” as a figure of speech. swear off of it. actually make an effort to change how you think about things.

find something to compliment someone for at least 4 times a day. notice the little things about the world that make you happy, and use that to make other people happy.

talk to people. initiate conversation as often as you possibly can. keep your mind busy and you wont have to worry anymore

picture the bad intrusive thoughts in youe head as an edgy 13 year old and tell them to go be emo somewhere else

if someone makes you feel bad most of the time, stop talking to them. making yourself hang out with people who drain you is self harm. stop it.

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Wait for the person who wants to FaceTime you every night because they can’t sleep without you. Wait for the person who always asks how your day was and cares about the details. Wait for the person who knows your coffee order by heart. Wait for the person who knows how to love you when you are sad and can make you laugh when you’re angry. Wait for the person who is willing to go for a drive with you at three am. Wait for the person who gets along with your family and asks how your parents are doing. Wait for the person who energizes you, motivates you, goes on adventures with you, and supports you no matter what. Stop chasing people who can’t be bothered to match your effort.

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hard pill to swallow: there are some things that are not meant for you. you will meet people that are not willing to stay. there will be times that you will fail. but don’t be discouraged because alongside, you are meant to be something, you will meet people that will stay, and most importantly, you will get better.

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There are so many things I want to tell you.

Not important things; just things from my day that I would normally tell you about.

Like the fact that my dad knows someone named Clayton Dayton and Peter Petes.

Or that I started and finished 2 books today (well...graphic novels but shush)

Or how everything tastes like mashed potatoes.

Or how I’ve been letting Charlie roam at night but he’s a bed hog and likes to eat my hair.

Or how I’m worried about cooper because he’s seemed off lately.

Or to invite you to a comedy club thing.

Or how I was waiting for will to be done in the bathroom so I could get ready to bed only to realize he wasn’t in the bathroom. He had just left the light on and closed the door when he left.

Or just how much I miss you.

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Falling back into a destructive mindset after being okay for a while is exhausting and upsetting.

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I miss you.