devourblood

[devourblood]

I assume everyone will get bored of me because I get bored of them -> I keep people around because it services me to I have their attention and loyalty -> I won’t let anyone leave me even while I’m simultaneously mentally and physically leaving them

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Things my cluster b folks understand that others (probably) don’t

Unable to love someone and be mad at them at the same time. Anger automatically equals hate. I’m angry at you, I hate you. I’m not mad anymore, I’m done hating you.

Several months of psychologically damaging social isolation followed by one shallow, purely transactional friendship you’ll purposely torch into flames at the first sign of a reason.

All the hindsight in the world and almost no foresight.

When someone insults you so now your whole identity is ruined and you have to discard that one in favor of building another

Being so irritable for no reason. You just start getting angry at strangers for existing in your vicinity, and your personal space gets multiplied by ♾️ Now everyone feels way too close even when they’re nowhere near you.

Being totally convinced others are using you based solely upon how many things you didn’t want to do but agreed to anyway because you forgot you have feelings and needs

Raise the bar so high that you don’t have friends, get so lonely that you just straight up get rid of the bar and have no standards, get hurt, raise your standards exceptionally high to prevent yourself from letting anyone near you again. But now you’re lonely… so you get rid of the bar-

Moving on from everything really fast. Emotions last seconds, minutes, a couple hours. Even largely complex, traumatic emotions like grief and mortal fear. It’s Tuesday, the end of all that’s alive, and then it’s still Tuesday.

Always craving some specific form of emotional void-fill. You don’t know what you need, but you do know it’s never anything you obtain. “I’m so goddamn thirsty, but all this water I’m surrounded by has no effect no matter how much I drink.”

Every want and need has to be a dilemma for some reason. Because being on the same page with yourself is just illegal for us. Love me, hate me, want me, and leave me alone. Yes, all at once. You physically can’t? Well, shit. Screw everything, then.

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if tomorrow (well, today since it's 5 in the morning) doesn't go well i actually think it's over for me like i'm not doing this shit anymore sorry. i can't be around people all i do is make myself worse because of my fucking victim complex and i just wasn't built for a happy life i think lol

it's not even about being beyond help. at this point i think i don't even want to get better so what is the point of help? if i'm going to be this stubborn then just keep being so fucking miserable that you spiral yourself into dying. but do it fucking right this time you absolute moron

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cute bpd things!!

paranoia

*small inconvenience* BREAK UP BREAK UP BREAK UP BREAK UP

yeah im fine lol look at this meme :D

paranoia

mood depending on them

every text hurts or feels way too good

intrusive thought yeouch okay ouch thats another one yeOOUCH

the 50000+ articles on how youre abusive

paranoia

fp is bad for me but its ok i love them<3

"if i hurt someone its gonna be myself"

becoming completely obsessed with someone the moment they give you the slightest attention

never being able to cut anyone off ever. immediately go running back

cry because theyre talking to someone that IS NOT ME

oh my fp isnt here. okay. oh im dissociating okay i dont have any purpose to continue living without them okay my life literally revolves around them i want to die where are they are they safe i dont know what to do with myself

"just leave. everyone does anyways"

5 minutes later theyre the worst person ever

*looking for an identity* hmmm, where could it be?

dependent on fp like theyre a parental figure you never had

paranoia

#lol. literally

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trying so hard to not smoke or drink or eat to fill the void but what else can i fucking do

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[devourblood]

bpd culture is feeling so loved and appreciated and cherished in a moment, and then the moment ends, and you're convinced nobody has any love or care for you in their hearts, and that you're just a fleeting thought.

.

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posting this here cuz it's the realest thing I've ever seen. shitty quality makes it funnier 🫶

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My favourite hobby is dropping extremely vague hints that I'm doing worse, or saying nothing at all and then acting like my friends don't care about me when they don't check in on me. Not to mention I'd probably say I'm fine if they asked.

#glad i'm not alone in this lol

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people don't like talking about self harm (very understandably!!) but i just wish sometimes that people Got it. like instead of rationalising it to one Answer as to why someone might hurt themselves they consider that it's different for different people i wish people understood that

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one of the most challenging skills i've had to learn as an adult is the art of figuring out whether i'm proportionally annoyed with someone or just tired and overstimulated and looking for reasons to be pissed off

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i want to be adored i want to be loved i want to be treated like nothing i want to be treated like everything

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Altschmerz n. weariness with the same old issues that you’ve always had—the same boring flaws and anxieties you’ve been gnawing on for years, which leaves them soggy and tasteless and inert, with nothing interesting left to think about, nothing left to do but spit them out and wander off to the backyard, ready to dig up some fresher pain you might have buried long ago.

why am i not better - ethan jewell // numb little bug - em beihold // untitled (v) - tang sumi // a pearl - mitski // can’t help myself - sun yuan & peng yu // divine loser - clem turner // thursday girl - mitski // the dictionary of obscure sorrows

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[transcript: 1. “you’ve got front row seats to the penitence ball, when i grow up i want to be nothing at all.”

2. “It became a possibility like maybe when i grow up, i will be dead.” /end transcript.]

my chemical romance— the end./maggie stiefvater— forever

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