dew-journal

[dew-journal]

Another obsession. Do I just keep collecting these powerful crushes, never to see any to fruition or ruin? All of my hopes of connecting to people that I desire have been crumbling. Not due to lack of pursuit it seems, but of the randomness of coincidence. And yet ever onward to new crushes. Although I have to admit the newest one is possibly the most consuming I have had (at least for sometime). She seems ethereal, both in beauty and demeanor. While we have hardly interacted in any meaningful way I have become utterly smitten. She is a person who I assumed would only ever be a passing presence, someone I would see from afar at the markets and make any excuse to visit their table; or someone who I’d admire through their online activity. Someone who’d never know my name, and maybe not even my face. She would forget I exist once I left her sight, just another person in an overcrowded sea of the same. Yet by some measure of luck and goodwill I was at the same table, eating a meal with her and others who in any other circumstance I would pine to be even in the same music venue as. None of that means anything at all, but she might now remember my face, she might remember my name. And goddamn catching a glimpse of a rare smile on her lips melted my heart (even though it was not because of me). Of course one meal, one night, means nothing. Maybe I will still only have passing glances and missed opportunities. I do have one thing that may prove to be a powerful tool for the next time we chance to cross paths. The introduction. Officially we have been introduced to each other so the highest hurdle has already been met. All I have to do is the next time I see her is walk up to her table or where she is and say “It’s Olivia right? I don’t know if you remember me, but we were introduced after the BM Market in April. Just wanted to say hi, and that your look is just killer.” Or some variation, and definitely should remember to reintroduce myself too though. The problem though is I still have to overcome my nerves and present myself in a way that I actually want to be. I still feel that my biggest obstacle is I am still in a bit of a crisis of self doubt. I know the person I want to be, but it’s as if I don’t know how to get there. The true issue is that what is getting in my way isn’t something physical preventing me from moving, it is a psychological and/or monetary barrier. And the other issue is there is a first psychological barrier in front of the second which is the one stopping my true progress.

All of this doesn’t even touch on the gamble that comes into play when facing these emotions. It isn’t up to me, I have zero actual control over how she would perceive me. How any of my crushes will perceive me. I can do everything “right” and still just be not a fit. Which just sucks. That’s life, the highs and lows. I have just been feeling a lot more lows than highs and it’s soul crushing. My relationships all fall apart, a lot of the time due to me (at least partially) admittedly. But I can’t help but have a nagging thought in my head that rears every time this topic comes up. Every single one of my attempts at relationships since Ari, have been started because “they answered”. Not one has truly been with someone I felt passionate about. They were what I felt was as good as I could do as I was lonely or they were present. It’s been so hard for me trying to find someone that I get on blinders and just accept people who show interest. I just want one person who I crush on to even give me a chance, but I suppose that still puts the ball in my court.

[dew-journal]

I am having a hard time with not having any sexual partners. In all of this I have just felt so down bad for any sexual intimacy with another person. I probably did fuck up at least one chance to be with Jennifer, but I don’t know if that was going anywhere. Interactions felt forced and I have such an intense averse reaction to that. I’m not even sure she was going to be receptive to anything though (I do want to at least try and apologize, maybe I could get another chance but I doubt it). I still have my past experiences in my head and I just have no idea how to approach a long term intimate relationship when it seems like my sexual interest has a half life. Perhaps it is related to my kinks not being met though. Feabie was my first real foray into attempting to step into a kink community, and that so far has been a massive failure. And while I’m not giving up yet, I don’t know how much more I can take there. My main issue though is I have no idea how to approach finding folks who share some of my kinks. For example, (in)cest. DDlg has some of that aspect, but I don’t really vibe with that most of the time. Feedism again is kind of outside the norm although not on the same level, Bimboification is another that I feel is a little hard to bring up. And then there is my increasing desire to suck off a hot trans woman, which I would think would be easier to find a person into that alas. Again where do I look to find that? My NSFW twitter is full of it, although that could be confirmation bias. None of this even touches the possibility that I could be approaching the whole situation from the wrong angle. I might want to see if the role of a sub is more of a fit for myself as I have noticed that I tend to fall towards that in my behavior. But again this all leads towards me using more sites that I honestly have little patience for more and more as I put effort into them only to have nothing come of it. Maybe once I actually get everything settled at either home or work I’ll try to sit down and set up my fetlife fully, even though I kind of dread it. Or maybe by then I’ll have actually met one of the people I’m talking to and at least some of my problems will bear down on me less. Or maybe it’ll just be more of the same. Regardless, how hard is it to find some girldick to suck and get fucked by seriously.

[dew-journal]

Everything is closing in and it feels like nothing is ready. I barely have a working kitchen and not even the cooks to staff it. I have barely had anytime to develop recipes and not to mention training anyone. And we are expected to open in a week and a half now? We’ll be lucky if we open before September. I won’t even be able to focus on anything for basically 3 days because I have to move house, but I’m still going to need to put an order in for the day I fucking move in to a new apartment. All I can hope is that I can move things into the apartment on the 31st to make things at least a little easier. And I just keep forgetting to make calls I need to make, but our timelines are all messed up so who even knows. I just want to start doing my actual job and not worry about all these things I can’t even control. All I need is a damn break (or a fucking miracle). The quicker we can just get rubber to the road to say the better I’ll feel as if I can make a menu I’m confident with hopefully the rest will fall in to place, but I can’t emphasize enough how nervous I am about all that. Please just let it work out and have people like it, my biggest fear is that all this work will end up going to waste and the whole thing just burns to the ground. So much is riding on me and if I fail here I let so many people down, so much of the success of the restaurant is riding on my ability to deliver consistently good food and not make people sick. How the hell did I end up here as the most senior cook at a Boardgame cafe, to building a damn menu for a full restaurant I am batting way above my league. Just let this go well, all of this. Don’t let my life be consumed by a thankless position that leaves me dead to the world.

[dew-journal]

Why does this always happen. They wanted to talk, it was them who suggested more. But now they both just drop off and stop responding. We have hardly even talked at this point when it has been a few weeks. At this point I’m just not going to try anymore and leave it up to them and if they want anything to happen. And to top it off seeing apparently every match I have made on bumble be gone just hurts even though I wasn’t actively conversing with any of them at this point. I’m at the point of just deleting all these apps (probably for a while at least). It just seems dumb to put this effort in and get nothing out of it at this point. Wether it’s not knowing what to say to start conversations, or matches that go nowhere, or the bullshit of hardly any femme folks messaging first, or people who act interested and then dropping off. Not to mention how it makes me feel bad and constantly pressured to the point where I do similar things. Online dating increasingly futile and I’d either be stuck lying about being ENM or stuck in a void of half the people writing me off for that and the others not having the follow through to meet. This isn’t counting all the people I have ruined things with such as Jennifer, Amber, Ames, Natalie (even though she was just a fuck probably), and others. And the people I haven’t even talked to before ruining any chance I had. I wish I was able to keep up hope that things will work out and my life will improve but I’m not sure.

[dew-journal]

12/29/22

As 2023 approaches my “holiday season” mood is getting more volatile. This always seems to happen as the year goes on my dread, depression and anxiety hit a high right as the new year comes around. It is soul sucking starting every year off with all these negative emotions. And for the most part it really has not a whole lot of relation to the anything more than the dread of time passing. Holidays aren’t bad, I don’t hate my family and I am always grateful for any gifts that I get. I just feel lonely still, I know I have friends, I know there are people who like me and enjoy my company. But there is all the stress around gifting things, and the lurking memories of how things use to be so much more joyous, I got more than practical gifts and money. There were toys, videogames, things that made me excited more than what I can use money for; what I would give to just receive a full box of any MTG set or some Lego these days. So much of the year builds up to December and Christmas and there is immense pressure to be able to enjoy your self, movies glamorize it and even the saddest ones seem to end happily. I just wish some of the magic and spirit that seems to consume people in our fantasies around the holidays could find it’s way into me. Even if there could be just one party or some sort of non-Christmas celebration. At least there is the NYE party this weekend, which is a start and it feels good to be invited. I can’t imagine my desire around the whole kiss part will be fulfilled  for a number of reasons, but there is at least some hope now. At the least I imagine it will be a bit of fun. But there will always be the underlying hope that a hot, entrancing femme person will catch my eye and we would share a moment of passion and maybe more. That has a bunch of baggage along with it though, I have so few actual prospects and even the people who are interested in me don’t feel like they put in effort. Some of that is probably due to me being hot/cold, which is not what I want to be, but if they really wanted to work it out and get something going they could at least try a little more. Now it seems like all the people who match with are just out to get people on to their premium sites, and even they apparently don’t want to interact with me. It’s hard to stay positive when people are unresponsive or uninterested seemingly. I just want at least one person who is into me and puts in effort so I have more to respond to and stay engaged. I just want something to give me hope and to live for I guess. Yet I don’t want to put that on someone else either, I need to be happy and excited for myself first. It would be nice to fuck a bit on the way there though. 

[dew-journal]

Holidays have little meaning to someone who never gets to enjoy them. Halloween, Christmas, Fourth, Easter and even minor days used to be exciting. Yet now everything is reliant on what I do for these days. And with few exceptions what I do is work. It feels like I will have to be the one to make it worthwhile again, but it feels so daunting and hopeless. Not to mention who would I even invite, who would come, would it be worth it if the people I want to come the most are unable. I wish it wasn’t up to me..

[dew-journal]

I feel super foolish, I am jealous of a guy who I don’t even know because he seems to be dating a girl I have a crush on. For background, Ellen came in to The Castle today with a guy. I have no idea what their connection is, but they held hands while at the table. That doesn’t mean anything really, but it can also mean a lot. I still can’t get over the fact that I always seem to get these feeling towards people who have been out of reach. In this situation I’m pretty much positive Ellen isn’t open to a PolyAm/ENM thing and so even if everything lined up it.she wouldn’t be an option. I hardly know this girl, but I have idealized her and I only see the things I want in a relationship which isn’t right and isn’t healthy especially now. But it fits the pattern I have. Lose passion/interest in my current partner and see greener grass with anyone one I find appealing. I am not sure why this happens and I really don’t know when it started. The only thing I can imagine is how Ari and I ended and how much I felt for her and now not knowing if I scared her away or if she was as genuine as I thought. Like I can’t imagine she didn’t at least feel strongly to a point as she still wanted to see me after things ended. And despite the fact that we agreed that separation was better than long distance, I wasn’t ready and it still crushed me when she moved on so quickly. Maybe the experience left me subconsciously nervous about how much people actually like me and lead me to distance myself from people who care about me. That would explain part of this, but not this part with Ellen, or Katelyn or Becca or Astin. At the very least, he tipped pretty well . My god I just fucking realized it’s like Shake and Deepti where everything was great and then they met. I create an image of what I want and then when people don’t live up to it I find some one else to project onto perpetually chasing the feelings I had. Shit.

[dew-journal]

I should be sleeping, but instead I have decided to dwell on the past. I don’t know how looking at my twitter followers devolved to remembering my old crush on Carolyn. And then to how I feel I ruined my life by failing out of college and making rifts between myself and people I called/considered friends. And now just knowing Carolyn blocked me on twitter, when I didn’t even use it at the time, just makes me feel bad. I made mistakes, silly foolish mistakes. But I never expected someone I thought I could trust with sensitive info would just go out of their way to just out of the blue start talking to a stranger about said sensitive info. Life is hard and I always seem to end up in these situations where I am isolated from people I care about and want to call friends. But then it’s as if we never really knew each other and I am always the third thought.